The Go Within

Chapter 10 – Reminiscing


.:go-go-go:.

Carefully lifting the thick object, Hikaru laid the book on his lap running his fingertips over aged paper cover. 'Brother?' he thought as he read the cover. 'This means… this was made by Sai's older sister Megumi?'

He quickly opened the first page and saw a written dedication.

My sweet little Sai-chan!

Congratulations on winning your first title! I still can't believe that my little bro is now a go title holder. You finally reached your dream – to be a step closer to your idol Shusaku Honinbo and to reach the hand of god (whatever that means… haha). Anyway, you're Honinbo now and you're still eighteen! Even if I know nothing about go, I know that you'll eventually succeed. I've never seen anyone as go obsessed as you and I know it's what you do best. Know that grandpa and I are always here for you.

Your beautiful sister,

Megumi

Hikaru couldn't help but smile as he read Megumi's message. It was obvious that they were close to each other. Too bad she died at childbirth. Sai would often tell him stories about his grandfather, his sister Megumi, and his niece whom he had adopted as his daughter. Although he really couldn't get the whole story as to how his daughter Kaoru-chan died. It was a taboo topic and he knew that it was what had brought him into depression and loneliness. Aside from family matters, he also knew about Sai's obsession with go, he even knew that he had entered some tournaments. But he only assumed them to be amateur ones, he had never considered the possibility that he was a pro.

The photos inside were much older than the ones he had seen in the boxes. One of the photos showed Sai as a very young boy, about the age of 3 grinning widely in front of the camera clutching a foldable go board on his chest. This was all grandpa's fault, the note read. Hikaru slowly turned the pages one after another, the pictures flashed over Sai's early life.

.:go-go-go:.

The sun was setting and the room was already beginning to loom with darkness when the door opened slowly, the lights flicked a moment before it finally filled the room with brightness. Soft footsteps were heard walking towards the sleeping boy and the man then kneeled on one knee and raised his wrinkled hand to the boy's shoulder.

"Shindo-kun…"

The boy groaned in response. "Just five more minutes, Sai…" he mumbled from his awkward position.

The man let out a soft chuckle as he let the boy rest. He stood up and let his gaze roam around the room, towards the opened boxes and the scattered things on the floor. He let out a sad sigh as his gaze fell towards the sleeping boy, then he walked towards the boxes.

It was a few moments later when consciousness dawned back on Hikaru. He had a feeling that someone else was in the room that his eyes snapped open. 'Sai…!' He quickly stood up, his eyes fell on the back of a familiar person standing beside one of the boxes, looking at a picture frame in his hand.

His shoulders fell as he realized that he was not the one he was looking for. He was not Sai. Sai was already dead and nothing could make him come back again.

"Ishida-san…"

The man turned his attention to him, a concerned smile on his face. "You finally woke up, Shindo-kun."

"What are you doing here?" Hikaru couldn't help but ask.

Ishida bent to return the frame into the box. "Actually, I think I'm the one who should ask what you are doing here. The last time we talked, I thought you said you're no longer interested with the rest of Fujiwara-san's belongings."

"Something happened," Hikaru muttered back in response. "I just felt the need to find out about something. But why are you here?" His voice then quivered a little when he realized something. "H-has the n-new owner already been decided?"

An understanding look crossed Ishida's face as he stared at the depressed expression on the boy's face. "The auction will be in a week. A lot of things happened and ever since the news leaked out about Fujiwara-san being a famous go player, there were a number of people, mostly go enthusiasts who had expressed interest over Fujiwara-san's remaining properties," he explained. "But being the one person closest to him, I thought you'd be more interested with his personal belongings. Even if some don't have any value, there are people who are interested to have them." He looked at the number of trophies and plaques at the floor. "The Go Institute had already expressed interest on all go-related awards that will be found in this house."

Hikaru turned his head away, his fist clenched. They only learn to appreciate a person when he's already dead.

Ishida walked towards him and placed his hand over the boy's shoulder. "Your father called. Your parents are in a panic right now looking for you."

"I told Sasuke that I'll be gone for a few days," Hikaru said, deliberately using his brother's real name this time. He didn't know why, but using the special nickname for his brother didn't sound right at the moment. His thoughts returned to his parents. "Besides, what do they care?"

A sigh escaped Ishida's lips. "Your parents care for you."

Anger exploded from Hikaru. "They weren't there for me! They left me! They only took me back because I had no one else to turn to!" Deep inside, he knew he had forgiven his parents. But his mind was currently on shambles and he just needed an outlet of his anger and frustration. He needed something or someone to put the blame on. He couldn't be angry at Sai. He was dead. Gone. And he had the good reason to be angry at his parents. And more at those who had slandered Sai's name. At the go professionals. At the go world.

"I think you have forgotten that it was you who chose to remain with your grandfather. It was you who chose to remain with Fujiwara-san," Ishida pointed out calmly. "Your parents tried to persuade you over the years, but you were the stubborn one. You had closed your door to them, convincing yourself that only your grandfather and Fujiwara-san cares for you." He saw the boy clenched his teeth and knew that in some way that Hikaru was realizing that fact as well. "Your father had the feeling you might be here so he called me," he continued.

"You didn't have to come all the way here," Hikaru muttered looking away, as he settled back and sat on the floor with his knees up, leaning against the bed.

"I was just a few towns away so I decided to check if you were here. Besides, there are some papers I need to process for the auction," he replied.

Silence ensued. Ishida lowered to his knees to gather the scattered items on the floor.

"You know what, I'm glad Fujiwara-san managed to spend his remaining life with you," Ishida whispered. "Thank you."

Hikaru kept silent for a moment. Then he turned his head to the old man, something bothering his mind. "Ishida-san… d-did you know? D-did you know that Sai was a professional go player?"

His response was short and simple.

"Yes."

"R-really…?" Hikaru kept his head down, his bangs covering the sullen expression on his face. "H-how about grandpa?"

"He knew. Right after he heard Fujiwara-san's full name."

Hikaru bit his lip as he pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms over them. "So I was the only one who didn't know anything…"

Silence followed after that comment.

"Would you have continued playing with him if you knew?" He finally broke the silence.

Hikaru hesitated at that. "I… I don't know," he replied honestly, closing his eyes.

Ishida continued his task of gathering the scattered items on the floor, his back to the young boy.

"It was more than 30 years ago…"

That caught Hikaru's attention as he turned his head towards the old man, but could only see his back.

"I was an insei back then…"

"An insei?" Hikaru asked, not familiar with the term.

"A student of go," Ishida explained. "The system hasn't really changed since then."

Taking a deep breath, he continued his story. "It took me three years before I could finally reach the first class. It was a good year for me and I finally reached the 16th rank in the first class. That meant that I could be part of the Young Lions Tournament," he smiled as he reminisced on those times. "In that tournament, it was the first time I've met Fujiwara-sensei."

"Sai?" Hikaru's eyes were wide.

Ishida nodded and smiled. "I used to call him sensei even if he was only four years older than me." He looked away again. "At seventeen, Fujiwara-sensei was already very famous that time, already a 7-dan. He passed the pro exams at twelve and he was rapidly going up the ranks. He had already won the Young Lions Tournament twice and was expected to win it also that year. My fellow inseis were dead scared of his reputation. If even high ranked pro players have difficulty winning against him, how much more us? I remembered all of them were praying that they wouldn't be paired with him on the first round."

He chuckled as he faced Hikaru. "Guess what? I was his first round opponent."

"You lost, didn't you?" Hikaru couldn't help but smile at that. Now that he knew the truth about Sai, he could give a more accurate assessment of his strength.

"It was expected." Ishida shrugged. "But before the game, I was so nervous, my mind was completely blank. Fujiwara-sensei must have sensed it."

He clenched his fists on his lap, staring blankly at the lines of the board. This was it. It was his first time to reach the Young Lions Tournament but fate really hated him, matching him up against the previous year's champion. He could no longer prove to everyone that it was more than just luck that made him reach the 16th rank this year. Of all people, why did he have to end up playing with the genius Fujiwara Sai?

"Hey…"

He looked up and met the bright lavender orbs of his opponent.

"Are you nervous?"

He nodded his head stiffly.

"You really don't have to," Fujiwara Sai smiled at him gently. He raised his hand and gestured towards the board. "This is a game and it's meant to be fun."

"But you're still going to crush me," the words were out before he could stop his mouth.

"Maybe. But then maybe not," Fujiwara smiled knowingly. "The outcome of the game can only be determined at the end, not at the beginning. The game is full of twists and turns, and anything can happen. So, why don't you make it fun for both of us?"

"I still got trashed," Ishida laughed. "But I think that was one of the best games I've ever played. Fujiwara-sensei was right, playing go itself was fun. Even though it was a tournament, we both played just for the sake of playing go, trying to outwit one another, trying to think past what the other was thinking. Of course, I was at a great disadvantage considering who my opponent was. But it was a memorable event for me, and at that instant, I became one of his avid supporters."

He picked up one of the plaques, a soft smile on his face. "The next year, he won the Honinbo title. As for me, after failing the pro exams twice, I decided to quit the inseis and proceed to focus on my studies. I decided to follow my father's footsteps – to become a lawyer. But I never really stopped playing go, I continued to play it occasionally. I still kept in touch with Fujiwara-san and he would play shidougo with me if he had time." A sad look suddenly crossed Ishida's face as he continued. "But tragedies struck the Fujiwara family one after another. Megumi-chan was left by her lover leaving her pregnant, causing Fujiwara-san's grandfather grief which led to an attack. Depressed, Megumi-chan blamed herself for their grandfather's death. She was emotionally and physically weak when she gave birth which caused her death. Fujiwara-san was left all alone with his baby niece. He struggled as he took care of the baby as well as continue to play his matches. He almost lost his title that time."

He turned to face Hikaru who was immersed into his story. "I couldn't help but be amused whenever I hear people wondering why Fujiwara-san only held to his Honinbo title during his early years, and always failed to win the other titles. The truth was that he knew he wouldn't be able to cope if he tried to go after the other titles. Fujiwara-san was only able to focus on his games after Kaoru was three years old. Takamura's challenge had nothing to do with it." He gave a snort at that. "It just so happened that Takamura held most of the titles at that time so he was the easier target."

Hikaru narrowed his eyes as he heard the familiar name. "Takamura… who is he to Sai?" he asked.

Ishida was quite surprised to hear the boy's biting tone. "Takamura Ryuuji. He was the holder of the Kisei title for eight years before Fujiwara-san won it over him, quite a sore loser, that guy. He had a grudge towards Fujiwara-san since he got humiliated during their shodan game." He waved off his hand to change the topic. He had never really liked Takamura-Kisei since he was a loyal fan of Fujiwara Honinbo.

"Many people admired Fujiwara-san back then, but when he started winning more and more titles, other pros began to feel threatened. Fujiwara-san was after the hand of God even when he was still a young kid, and that was his goal in life. After he was held back for some years while taking care of his niece, I think he went all out. He snatched go titles one after another and tried to held on to them." Ishida shook his head as he tried to recall Sai's amazing performance as a pro. "He was unbelievable. A true genius. It's like he's absorbing his opponents' strength and made it into his own. He just grew stronger and stronger in every game."

Ishida had stopped gathering the scattered items and was seated across from Hikaru, immersed in his recollections. "Before he reached thirty, almost all the older pros hated him, save for some younger ones who were still aiming to reach where he was. When that incident happened, many were shocked. And when he announced his retirement, many pros were relieved, their goal of gaining a title returning. The institute made some futile attempts to stop him, but Fujiwara-san knew that they were half-hearted attempts anyway. Though some may be concerned about his well-being, he knew they didn't want him back in the pro world."

He then paused and sighed. "He was so depressed that he didn't go out of his house for a month, his nurses changed almost every two days after they got tired of his tantrums. When I visited him, he looked pale and seemed to have aged several years. I suggested him to move on, look for a peaceful place where he could forget everything. He was rich after years of winning titles, so there was no problem buying this house as well as other things. I took care of finding a housekeeper for him, as well as a nurse to take care of his health. But he would end up firing them in a few days. He tried to forget about go, packed up all his stuff related to go and had them stocked inside the storeroom. But a month after, he gave up the idea and had his goban brought back from the storeroom, though he must have left everything else back in storage. For years, that go board kept him company, though his health began to deteriorate. That was when he asked me to make his last will, that everything he owned will be given to charity."

He turned a serious yet grateful look at the young boy. "He never thought he would meet you, that you would give him another chance to live and be happy."

Hikaru shook his head, his voice trembled a bit with emotion. "If what you told me is true, then you were closer to him than I ever was. You were there for him."

Ishida shook his head in response. "Didn't you notice that never once had I called him by his name? That was because I couldn't get past Fujiwara Sai, the genius go player, my idol. I looked up too much to him, so that I never really got the chance to be close to him personally. Unlike you…"

"Me?" Hikaru gave him a bewildered look.

Ishida smiled as he remembered the first time he met the young boy.

It had been almost a year since he last visited him and he was worried. Before, Fujiwara-san would write to him regarding some of his complaints about his nurse or his helper, but that hadn't happen for months now. He knew he was okay because they just talked on the phone a month ago and Fujiwara-san kept telling him that he was okay. Reaching for the doorbell, he pressed the button, waiting for the housekeeper or the nurse to open the gate. When the gate opened, he blinked as he found himself facing an unfamiliar older man.

"Yes?"

He looked back at the gate number to confirm if he was at the right house before turning his attention back to the person who opened the gate.

"Uhm… this is Fujiwara-san's residence, right?" he asked hesitantly.

"Ah yes," the man replied. "He's inside with my grandson."

"Your grandson?"

"He's teaching him go," the man said proudly. "By the way, my name is Shindo Heihachi, from next door."

"Ishida Kawai, Fujiwara-san's…" friend, he wanted to add. "…lawyer," he introduced instead. He wondered why Fujiwara-san was teaching this man's grandson.

They neared the terrace where a boy of about six years of age was sprawled on the floor, lying on his stomach, his face perched on up on both hands, his feet moving up and down while he listened to Fujiwara-san who was seated across him on the other side of the board.

"I already know that," the boy pouted. "Explain to me the other one, the more difficult one."

Fujiwara-san chuckled. "Don't be impatient Hikaru. You have to learn the basics first. We should start with the less difficult tsumegos."

"Hikaru!" Heihachi rushed towards the boy. "What are you doing? Sit properly while Fujiwara-sensei is teaching you."

The boy stuck out his tongue. "Sai said it's okay. Right, Sai?"

'How rude,' he couldn't help but think. First the boy doesn't sit properly and now he doesn't use a respectful title for addressing Fujiwara-san.

"It's okay Shindo-san," Fujiwara chuckled. "Just let him do as he wished." The boy had a smug look on his face as they continued to play.

The next time he saw Shindo Hikaru was more than a year later. The previous times he visited, the boy was at school. But he was all Fujiwara talked about. So he thought that maybe the boy had matured a bit.

He was shocked when he saw the boy almost flipped the board, scattering the go stones everywhere.

"Sai, you baka!" the boy yelled. "You're not going easy on me, are you?!"

Fujiwara-san had a guilty look on him, while trying to hide a grin. "I just got excited a bit because Hikaru is always at school playing soccer."

"I've had enough!" the boy shouted, pulling his own hair in irritation, then pointed his finger at his opponent. "You said you'll play shidougo, you old geezer!"

"Hikaruuu… come on. Another game pleaseeee," Fujiwara unbelievingly began to whine. "I promise it will be shidougo this time."

Then he turned his back on him and crossed his arms over his chest. "You pick up the stones and we'll play," the boy snapped back.

"Eh? Eh?" Fujiwara-san head turned left and right looking helplessly at some of the stones that were beyond his reach.

'That boy!' he couldn't help but grit his teeth. He couldn't believe that that boy would treat the famous go master just like that.

He marched towards the terrace when he felt a hand clamped on his shoulder.

"Let them be."

He turned his head. "Shindo-san." But he couldn't fully contain his anger at what he had witnessed. "If you're trying to cover for him since he's your grandson, don't expect the same from me. Does that boy know who he is dealing with?!" he gritted back.

Heihachi sighed. "Do you know how many times I've already scolded Hikaru regarding the way he treats Fujiwara-sensei?" he asked. Heihachi just shook his head in answer to his own question. "But it seems that the relationship between those two is just like that. Fujiwara-sensei adores Hikaru and so does Hikaru back to him. Weird as it may be, they truly understand each other." Heihachi as he turned his head, letting him follow his gaze. "Look, they're back to normal again."

He glanced back towards the terrace and saw Fujiwara-san and the boy back in front of the goban. The smiles were back on their faces as Fujiwara-san was pointing to something on the board, explaining something. Hikaru grinned as he placed a stone on the board while Fujiwara-san paused as if to contemplate on it.

Heihachi tugged his arm to walk closer to the pair, and while nearing them, he could hear their conversation…

"Sai, do you think someday I can beat you?"

Fujiwara-san looked up and smiled brightly at him. "I believe you will."

"Yosh, then get ready Sai! That someday will be sooner than you think!"

.:go-go-go:.


"Hikaru is getting stronger and stronger."

His eyes snapped towards the man whom he had admired for so many year, the man whom he hadn't beaten in a single game ever. The true genius of go.

"Considering that he has been playing with you all these years, I guess he has no choice but to improve," he responded wryly.

Fujiwara chuckled. "Maybe. But I think I'm still strong enough to judge someone's capability." His expression suddenly saddened. "Though I think he would be stronger if he played with other people."

Curious, he asked. "How strong do you think he is now?"

"Strong enough to be a pro."

He almost choked at that announcement. "What?!"

"Honestly, I think he could already match a mid dan pro, maybe give trouble to a higher dan pro. He could easily defeat you already, Ishida-kun."

"Impossible…" he whispered. "It has only been…" But considering that Shindo Hikaru had been taught by Fujiwara Sai all these years, it's possible. But to receive such praise from the legendary Fujiwara Honinbo, is the boy that talented?

Fujiwara gave a sheepish chuckle. "Actually, I think he could have already passed the pro exams two years ago." His expression suddenly saddened, oblivious to the shocked expression of his companion. "Although his inexperience with other people's games could put him at a disadvantage."

He gave him a confused look. "Why won't you tell him the truth? Maybe the knowledge that you're a former pro would encourage him to enter the world of pros."

"No." Fujiwara's voice was soft but firm.

"Why?" he couldn't help but ask.

Fujiwara turned away, a faraway look on his face. "I don't want to force him to do anything. The choice is entirely his. If he wants soccer or go, it will truly depend on him. I'm already happy that he gave me a part of his time, for me to be able to play such wonderful games again."

Hearing that seemed ridiculous on his own point of you. "Is he really enough for you? To play, I mean? You could play with much more challenging opponents if you wanted to. You're still famous in the pro world. You're a legend."

Fujiwara shook his head. "I think teaching Hikaru is more fulfilling for me than all of my games combined. He gave me light and he made my existence worthwhile."

"Fujiwara-san…" He didn't know the proper response to that. True, the go world had been harsh but comparing a mere child against all those incredible games he had during his pro days was absurd.

"I don't know if I can still reach the hand of God. I don't know if it really exists. But all I know, I want my best game to be with Hikaru. And someday, I know we will play that game…"

"Ishida-san! Ishida-san!"

"Huh?" He blinked as he focused his view on the scowling boy in front of him, shaking his shoulders.

"Geez! Don't scare me like that," Hikaru grumbled as he stood up. "I thought you had an attack or something when you suddenly gone silent and had this blank look on your face."

Ishida chuckled. "Sorry about that. I just got caught remembering some things." He also stood up and scanned his gaze over the room. "You can still take some of Fujiwara's things with you, you know."

The disdainful look returned to Hikaru's face as he followed Ishida's gaze. "I'll take the scrap book and Sai's picture frames. If I have my way, I won't hand anything to the Go Institute or to the other pros," he said coldly, then sighed in resignation. "But Sai deserves the recognition, and I think it would be best to hand his trophies and plaques over to the institute. If it's a way to put back Sai into his rightful place, then I really can't go against it. I want Sai to be remembered not only by the past go players, but by the future."

Ishida smiled and walked towards the boy. Though the boy was already as tall as him, he couldn't help but reach for his head and ruffle his hair.

"What the-! Ishida-san!" Hikaru cried as he pulled back from his reach.

"I was hoping for that answer boy," he chuckled. "You finally matured over the years I've known you. And you can call me Kawai."

"Kawai? No wonder I've never heard Sai referred you by your name. It sounds stupid," Hikaru snorted.

A tick formed on Ishida Kawai's forehead at the boy's response. 'He's still a brat!' But he'll let it go this time. The kid needed his help and it was not like he was new to his attitude. "By the way, want to go to Hiroshima with me?" he offered.

"Hiroshima?"

"To visit Honinbo Shusaku's shrine," Kawai replied. "Fujiwara-san used to visit that place whenever he gets depressed. He seemed to have stopped going there since he met you."

'Shusaku huh?' Hikaru thought. A smile formed on his lips. After everything, he felt like he finally understood the real Sai.

He turned to Kawai.

"Okay, I'll come with you."

.:to be continued:.

Chapter 10 up! I'm really sorry for this very late update. It's just that I've been so busy the past month and work is really eating most of my time.

There's not much fun or action in this chapter… but I hope it's still satisfactory. Honestly, I can't imagine Kawai as a lawyer. Hahaha. In my original draft, I used a different name. It's just that when I was so close to the end of this chapter, his role became close to Kawai's that I decided to use him instead. I already mentioned the name Ishida in the previous chapter so it's too late to change that. Anyway, hope it's still okay.

Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing! And special thanks also to my beta Israfel for helping me out on this despite his busy schedule.

R: I can recommend some good Hikago stuffs but if you're looking for romantic ones… err… I don't read much romance themed Hikago fics… hehe… I think there are a few hikaru/akari fics but a lot of hikaru/akira ones… haha…

…: At least you got the part about Sai having a sister correct. Haha. I was actually surprised that many mentioned about a brother. I think it's already mentioned in one of the earlier chapters that he had a sister.

Anyway, thanks again! Ja!