Chapter 9:

"I think this is the first time she's ever been late." Kono's voice trailed off, as I neared the doorway.

I could hear small muffles of agreement and some grunts coming from them. They were most likely circled around the little kitchenette, each holding their own cup of coffee. Their faces would hold that contented, pleased look as they looked around at each other, because they were with family and they could feel relaxed around family; and as a small chuckle leaked through the doorway, I know that Danny had done something fun.

"She's been kind of off… or is that just me?" Danny finally asked, probably receiving many small glances and then hard stares at the floor.

Chin was quick to follow, "she's skittish, but that's always been her personality. I don't think she really knows how to take a break that girl; she's always doing something."

"I don't know what she could be doing though! It's not like she does much around here." Kono finally re-established herself into the conversation. "Steve?"

The commander had probably gotten up, going towards the sink to place his empty cup there; his back was probably tense, and his strides were probably long because Kono's voice had a note of panic in it. The commander probably wasn't very happy with the way the conversation was going.

I could clearly hear his throat being cleared, his reassertion that he was in fact taking over the conversation, and he was probably squarely facing all of them, his hands firmly placed on his hips. "Whatever going on with her is not for us to be concerned about; she'll come to us when she needs it."

"You're only saying that because she's military, Steve. What if she really is a bad person? What then?" Chin cut in as, I could hear the faint twinge of anxiety leaking through, "What if she's bringing something bad along with her? Five-O can't take many more big hits!"

"She's not." The commander loftily replied, overriding Chin's weakening voice. "Look I'm not just saying this because she was military and I was military – I know when someone's bringing trouble and when they're not… and military doesn't like endangering innocent people. She's clean. "

Danny finally made himself heard, "Steve… seriously, I like her and all but – you know, she makes everything kind of awkward. It's hard to want to laugh around here anymore… She's…"

"Yeah, you weren't like that when you came back to Hawaii."

"I can't compare my life to hers in anyway, but some people have harder times adjusting back to civilian life. Each soldier is different." The commander retorted back, quick to come to my aid. I shifted in my spot outside the doorway as I heard the slight break in his voice. I thought that he would continue but it seemed like Kono had different plans.

"I agree with Danny, she's likable but she is a complete wreck – if I'm to be straight up – what she needs is a good dosage of therapy."

I quickly shifted from behind the door, and walked into the room, effectively cutting their conversation. I focused my gaze on the ground, like I would usually do, and turned over towards my desk; a new folder had been stacked up on top, but everything else was exactly as I had put it. I set my bag down by the side of the desk and quickly sat down, pulling my chair in towards the desk. As if not noticing their stares, I opened the folder and read through the information cataloged inside it.

I tried to be surprised as I turned to find their gazes still trained on me, and then furrowed my brows pretending to look confused.

"Yes?"

Muttering incoherencies the group split apart and landed at their appropriate desks. All except for the commander, who walked over towards me and made himself comfortable, by leaning against my desk. Nervously, I found my eyes directed to the area in which he was touching my desk, and the stacks of pens that had been pushed askew by the force.

"Why were you late?"

"Overslept, sir." I pulled out, looking for an excuse that would seem more 'normal.' I could the hear the group as they tried to make their footfall lighter so that they could still hear what we were talking about, but not make it to obvious.

The commander smirked as he looked down at me, "Really?"

"Yes, sir."

"Don't lie to me, soldier." Slipped out and immediately he realized his mistake. I could feel my body react as I pulled myself rigidly against the chair, trying to sit as tall as possible without leaving the chair, and my eyes pulled themselves away from the mess on my desk, to stare straight ahead.

"I don't lie, sir."

Trying to correct his mistake, the commander settled for saying "at ease", bringing me down from my tense state, but still not far enough. Quietly I could hear him sigh, and before I knew it, the commander had grabbed up my arm and was tugging me outside of the office; my chair flew backwards as I was pulled after him, and my feet stumbled as I tried to catch up with his pace. As the scenery began to change so that the ocean became more and more visible, I was beginning to tense.

"Take of your shoes and get in the water." The commander ordered as he dropped my arm. The tension radiated off of my body, as I felt my shoulder blades begin to rub against one another. Looking over at him confused he repeated, "Shoes off. Get in the water."

"Why, sir."

"That's an order, soldier." He snapped, jolting my body awake so that it would follow through. Shakily I began to walk in towards the water, my shoes lying by the commander's feet; as I noticed the waves coming up I stopped. "Keep moving." He barked.

"S.."

"Are you not following a command, soldier?" He questioned, and I could feel the terseness in his voice, and could just imagine the way his eyebrow would shot up in a faux surprised way. Quietly whispering no to myself, I continued forward and jolted as I noticed the water beginning to surround my feet. About to continue further, I heard his voice calling it off.

"Get back here." He called, and I was quick to respond as I jogged back to where he was. As my feet landed in position, I was confronted with his questions.

"Did you want to go in the water, Reer? – Tell me the honest truth."

"N-no, sir."

"Then why did you do it?"

My eyes flickered over to his in confusion, before I realized what I was doing and I tore them away. For the brief moment that they were connected, though, I could have sworn there had been a flash of warmth deep within those coffee eyes.

"Because you ordered it sir."

He sighed and again I looked up only to find his tired eyes looking back at me. The commander looked down at me with a sweeping gentleness, that I could almost feel brushing against my skin; and as my eyes flickered between the two of his, and the ground just behind his right shoulder, the skin on my arms began to prickle, and a sudden rush of warmth traveled through me. I took a breath, hoping to bring the odd sensation to a close, but as I notice him shaking his head, my eyes followed the way his hair moved, and another rush waved through me.

"I'm not your attending officer, Reer. I'm not your higher up. – I'm a friend, a colleague. Someone who looks out for you… just like the army code, but we're all on the same playing field." The commander pressed as he reconnected his eyes with mine, but I was quick to burn mine into the area right above his shoulder. "I don't know what happened, but I'm hoping that we can make some sort of agreement. – It's making the other guys uncomfortable, so I need this resolved…"

As his voice trailed off, the gears in my head began to spin off in widely different directions. One part of me hoped that he would dump me on my ass and leave me alone. Another part of me, would hope that he sticks through, and that he would promise me companionship; because I knew, somewhere deep down that I couldn't do this alone any longer; somewhere within me, I knew, that my nightmares had gone far enough, and somehow I wanted to fix them. I wasn't ready to confront them either; my ambivalent state of mind, was slowly causing my own downfall.

But what if I fixed those nightmares – what would happen to Chris, and Lily, and Aaron, and Major Roberts. My family; if I forgot about them who would remember them. I was the only one who knew what had happened to them. I was the only one that was continually haunted by the morphed images and cracked frames, but also their happy memories. If I forgot – who would be there to remember them?

"Tell me something, Reer. One word at least." The commander finally broke, pulling me from my thoughts; the commander's face reminded me on the shrink that I had seen – that hopelessly faithful and almost winsome look on her face; hoping that maybe I would finally tell her something.

I continued to fill the silence that surrounded us, trying to pull together something that would appease the man in front of me. I didn't know why I wanted to do that, but I knew that I wanted to; and seeing him with that sort of look on his face, the most emotion I had ever seen, was something that I wanted to get rid of as quickly as possible. Having him look at me, trying to read me, made me uncomfortable merely because it set something aflame within; it made my insides burn.

"Guilt." I finally muttered. The words hung between the two of us, and reconnecting our eyes I knew that the secret would be carried to the grave; and the weight on my shoulder didn't feel nearly as heavy.