What if? The Purgatory of Lily
Chapter 10
Our Hearts' Paradise
My heaven is complete...
Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor do I own the Harry Potter Series.
As Severus' life faded away, not even Potter's almond-shaped emerald green eyes staying with him to light the journey into death, he had wondered vaguely what was beyond it. It wasn't something that he had ever thought about very much, although when he had he had always pictured nothing, or more specifically annihilation. That was what he had hoped for, as anything else would almost certainly result in a great deal of suffering on his part...
A facsimile of King's Cross hadn't been what he was expecting, staffed and crowded with what looked like a thousand copies of himself that had been slightly altered from the original, like the differences he would expect between the potions from his students at the N.E.W.T. level. It was likely a good thing that he no longer possessed a wand, as otherwise there would have been a lot fewer Severus Snapes running around,, as he was far too...as his former students would say, 'creeped out'.
It was disconcerting to have to look at so many instances of himself, especially in the white-ish robes that a fair percentage of them seemed to be wearing. He had always worn black since he had been able to afford clothes for himself, at first because he liked the fact that it made him look forbidding and mysterious, then later on because he had secretly been in mourning. He had then looked down, only to find that he himself was wearing white robes bearing a golden seventy.
Unsure of what else to do, Severus had pretended to be just another one of the copies of himself, allowing himself to be herded into a train. In this train, there had been four copies of himself, and each had a different golden number on their chests, a one, a twenty, a seventy-five and a ninety-eight. For whatever reasons, each had apparently had a story to tell of their lives. There had seemed to be some form of truth-spell on the train-car, as he had tried to lie when he was asked about his past, only to find himself saying the truth.
Although he had been forced to discuss his past with his...alternates, Severus honestly hadn't paid much attention to what he was saying once he realized that he was forced to tell the truth, being far more interested in the histories of his counterparts.
The version of himself with a one had been smiling, affable, even funny; his story had been something that made Severus and the rest of his counterparts want to reach across the train-car and strangle him. His story had been much like Severus' own story until he met Lily, where this version of himself had been captivated by the redhead...
Flashback:
"I know exactly what you mean...Seventy, she was like a light shining upon my forsaken world, but I didn't make your mistake. I made sure that she could never leave me..." The man said with a contented smile alighting his lips. "...It took a long time, years in fact, but I got rid of all of her friends who might steal her light from me. Even a broken shard of the girl she was, she still shone brilliantly to me; I truly loved her, although I had to punish her when she was...naughty... She was so willful at first, and it took so long to break her of her bad habits that I almost lost hope, but I fixed her..."
No-one spoke, Severus was too horror-struck at what this twisted reflection of himself was implying. He had heard enough stories, seen enough instances, lived through them even; he knew what this monster was implying, and shuddered as he pictured his always-beautiful flower painted painted black and blue, green eyes empty of all light.
Growling, he hissed out at his counterpart, "How dare you? What I spent a lifetime wishing for... You treated her as if she were trash!"
Chuckling, his counterpart said with amusement and mirth dancing in his eyes, "Not often, and only when she had displeased me; after a while, she learned how best to please me, and it was unnecessary to punish her..."
"You SICK son of-" Severus leapt toward his counterpart, roaring in rage, but was interrupted mid-shout by what seemed to be an invisible wall. Seeing nothing but red blood and bruised flowers, he tried to claw his way through the invisible barrier, shouting curses and hexes all the while.
Meanwhile, the man continued mildly, the other variants of Severus Snape looking at the situation with murderously cold, calculating eyes. It was clear that Severus had only been the first one of them to attempt bodily harm upon this monster, and the others would have done the exact same thing if given the slightest chance...
Unable to listen as the man gleefully described how he had carefully broken Lily Evans until she felt that she didn't deserve anything but the brutalities heaped upon her, Severus spent the rest of the story in a state of sheer rage, searching desperately for something with which he could shatter the skull of that man with the laughing eyes...
End Flashback:
Unfortunately, for whatever reason, Severus had been unable to get within two feet of the smiling monster, making it impossible to fulfill his new purpose of of killing him. As such, he had pretended not to be paying attention to him, at least until he got an opportunity...
Nothing else to do, he then stalked back to his seat and listened to the tale of the one with the Twenty, a version of himself who acted much the same but with a certain coldness to his demeanor that even Severus could tell was a little off. It was like this variant didn't see people so much as he did possible allies and threats...
Flashback:
One's tale finished, Twenty then spoke in a tone that made a glacier look nice and toasty, "Well, now that the madman is finished-"
"I resent-"
Glaring coldly at him, Severus then spoke in a tone of such hatred and malice that the other copies of himself looked at him as if he were a bomb about to go off,"You do realize that the rest of us intend to break your pasty neck as soon as we get the chance, correct? Please, do continue to annoy me, as I have more than enough ways to make you suffer once I get my wand back...suffering of such agonizing pain that it would make a 'Cruciatus' look like a day at the bloody BEACH!"
"..."
"Very well, as I was saying," Twenty continued as One fell silent, "in my time-line things were very different; while I encountered Ms. Evans at the same time the rest of you did, my mother took me and fled my abusive father, returning to my Grandparents."
Seventy-five, after glaring at One with the same raw fury that Severus felt, asked the speaker curiously, "Were the two of you still friends afterward?"
Frowning, Twenty thought for a moment, then shrugged before saying, "I'm afraid not, not in any way that remotely resembled your Seventy's friendship with her. We exchanged letters, but that was only once a month or so. Besides," He then smiled in a slightly dreamy sort of way, "I then met my beautiful fel angel...Margaret MacDonald. I fell in love with her in a matter of months, although it was years before I told her or vice-versa..."
Ninety-eight then wondered aloud, a thoughtful frown on his face, "What else changed? I mean, what changed as a whole because it was Mary instead of Lily you fell for?"
Twenty shrugged, putting a finger to his lips in thought, "Well, the rivalry was with Sirius rather than James, who was still besotted with Lily. Luckily for me, Mary had a mean streak that made this rivalry far more enjoyable, as she had no qualms with joining in on the fighting rather than trying to maintain the peace like Lily would always try to do." He then smirked. "Besides, it didn't last much past fifth year, as that was when Mary and I started using the Marauders as testing dummies for our more...destructive spells. 'Convoco Pesadilla' certainly brought an end to those battles..."
Severus frowned; he didn't know Spanish, so he couldn't translate the exact meaning, but 'Convoco' sounded like something involving summoning.
Meanwhile, Twenty continued calmly, "Both Mary and I joined the Death Eaters, not realizing what we were getting into at first, but happy to be fighting the same people who had mocked us both for being 'Evil Slytherins'. We racked up quite a body count from those foolish Order members, but we soon realized that our leader was a complete madman, and would lead us all to our deaths one day... However, we weren't Slytherins for nothing, and we took over his 'organization' from within... Eventually, we staged a coup; even the Dark Lord can be defeated when his wand is conveniently absent... Unfortunately, I died in the process, thanks to a Killing curse from Bellatrix..."
Seventy-five looked over at him, eyes evaluating the proud man, who had a calm, regal air to him even as he sat in the cheap-looking train-car. Finally, Seventy-five sighed and said, "Well, at least you did the right thing, even if it wasn't for the right reasons..."
Unruffled by Seventy-five's words, Twenty said with a light chuckle, "Perhaps you are right, but I've never been bothered much by other people's 'right and wrong'. There are things far more important than meaningless prefixes like those trite, meaningless words, like the safety of my family, the love of my wife, and my own happiness... Besides, if I had joined the Order, then I would never have had the chance to rip Lupin in half with my 'Sectumsempra'..."
Everyone except for One looked at him with a mix of dislike and, in one case, hatred...
End Flashback:
Severus had wondered at the time what the man had seen in Mary, who had always seemed to hold herself aloof from him when he had been forced to converse with her. 'I suppose she was attractive...well until she died of course, and she was quite intelligent, but what else did she have to offer?'
He tried to picture the woman, but he couldn't, not after all of this time. When he tried, all he could see was that irksome chit Hermione Granger, as they really had looked a lot alike...to the level that Severus had gotten a sense of deja vu when he had seen the girl for the first time, although ice-queen Mary had had a sense of cool apathy that he had never seen in that bleeding-heart Hermione.
The next version of himself to speak gave him a bit of a chill, just from his appearance, as it was too strange to see a grin on a face that was all but identical to his own... Ninety-eight seemed to project an aura of peace, confidence, even understanding, things which Severus had never had the pleasure of knowing in his life...
Flashback:
Ninety-eight looked at Twenty with a touch of pity, but merely said with a smirk, "That was...OK, I suppose, but I must say that I disagree with your decisions greatly. Regardless, my story was very much different from your story, although it was probably most similar in some ways... We chose not to move so far away when my mother left Mr. Snape, in fact living in the same neighborhood as Lily. Although my mother realized her mistake with Tobias Snape, that didn't mean she wanted to go back to our grandparents."
Severus nodded, understanding perfectly; he had gotten the chance to meet his grandparents once, and he hadn't cared for them much. Although they were nice, they were raving blood-purists, although they had never joined Voldemort. It had been before the end of his and Lily's friendship, so when they had insulted her heritage... Well, he had actually just gone off and sulked, rather than doing anything about it. 'Of course, it's not like there was much I could do, but perhaps if she had known that I didn't think of her like that...'
Shaking his head to clear it of the 'what ifs' once more, Severus returned his attention to Ninety-eight's story. The man was speaking with a smirk planted firmly on his face as he told his tale, "...Well, after Petunia realized that she could make use of some magical items even without having any magical ability whatsoever, she did a rather quick turnaround on her dislike. After all, with the stuff me and my mum made for her, she now had something she could show off with to the other kids..."
"It's nice to see that she was a hypocrite as well as jealous." Twenty said, roaring with amused laughter. "Still, it probably helped you with Lily a bunch, eh? Even if she was a little bint it surely helped you score points."
Ninety-eight gave him a cold look, then said coolly, "Petunia Pettigrew ended up becoming one of my best friends. Do not insult her for being an immature child when she was ten. Besides," His voice turned speculative. "I think that her anger and jealousy towards me at the time was probably mostly because she was afraid of 'losing' her sister to me. After all, she couldn't do magic and I could..."
Severus felt a slight twinge of guilt at this, as while he hadn't tried to destroy the two sisters' relationship, he certainly didn't mind it when it happened. He also felt a sense of...sympathy for the blond-haired Muggle, as he knew exactly what it was like to fear losing someone you cared about to a boy who could do things he couldn't... Just like her, he had given into his jealousy, never telling Lily how scared he was of losing her and why.
Meanwhile, Ninety-eight's story had moved on, and he was gesturing animately as he told his tale, "Much like in Seventy's time-line, I became romantic rivals with James Potter, although he didn't really fight me much at all. Perhaps it was because I was a Hufflepuff instead of a Slytherin. Nonetheless, things started getting pretty hairy towards fifth year, as everyone could tell that Lily was interested in both James and myself in the romantic sense." Sighing, the man continued with a smirk, "Well, I was pretty sure that I would win out in the end, assuming that Lily had to make a choice. After all, I had been her best friend for years, and I didn't have my head stuck up my bum... Still, it wasn't a chance I was willing to take, so guess what I did?"
Seventy-five asked curiously, giving the Hufflepuffian version of himself the cue he had clearly been seeking, "Err, you humiliated him or something along those lines?"
"Nope, I made an agreement with James to tag-team her!" Said Ninety-eight jubiliantly.
Severus felt his jaw drop as he heard the man speaking about that so casually. The very idea of doing anything even remotely sexual with James joining in...even if it wasn't 'man-to-man', it was enough to make Severus want to rinse his mouth out with Basilisk venom. 'I certainly HOPE that it wasn't like that... I would never live it down, even if it was just my counterpart...'
"It wasn't like we were mortal enemies or anything, and James was never in much of a mood to follow the rules of society, so it wasn't impossible or anything. Lily wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of being shared, but in her words, 'It sure as hell beats watching the two of you acting like bloody Neanderthals'! Mind you, it took a LOT more work than that, but we made it work; James married her in name, being the one with the more important family and whatnot, but the three of us were a family in fact..."
As the other Severus' looked at one another, trying to figure out what kind of demented madman had infested their look-alike's body; with the exception of Twenty, the rest of them would clearly rather get bitten by an over-large snake... 'Still, if it got me the chance to spend a life with Lily...maybe it would have been worth it.
Meanwhile, Ninety-eight continued with a grin, clearly enjoying the perplexed visages of his counterparts in a way that no Slytherin would,"In any case, Voldemort started swinging his big wand around, trying to take over the wizarding world. Luckily, thanks to James' prestige and my negotiating skills, we managed to forge a coalition that was so large that even the Death Eaters couldn't take it on." He then frowned slightly. "Of course, James was the one who got all the glory in public... Still, I had never been much for all the glory, and it made James positively thrilled to get elected to the position of Minister of Magic...until he realized all of the work involved."
"And how did you die?" Asked One with a touch of mild interest.
"Eh, not really sure; I just remember falling asleep one night after I turned one-fifty, then not waking up. Still, it wasn't all that bad; I'd been waiting nearly twenty years to see Lily and James again..."
To this, Severus merely shook his head, trying to get out of his head the picture of him and Potter 'tag-teaming' Lily. He may have gotten a ninety-eight, but the man was clearly a nutcase...although he seemed to be very happy.
Obviously, Severus hated him.
End Flashback
In hindsight, Severus thought that he understood Ninety-eight a bit better; without having to deal with his father, or his worry that Petunia would 'steal' Lily, he hadn't had the same urge to make something of himself. Instead, he had been perfectly content as he was, just like one of those sodding, bleeding-heart Hufflepuffs. 'Still, I would have had to be positively DESPERATE to share Lily with someone like Potter! He was completely, barking mad! Of course, given how much some of my counterparts changed...it's probably best that I don't compare myself to them...'
Shrugging, Severus' thoughts then turned to the tale of Seventy-five, who he both envied and felt some measure of disgust towards... Perhaps it was because their time-lines had been identical but with Lily and her husband surviving, thanks to choosing Sirius Black as their Secret-Keeper and not changing it...
Flashback:
Seventy-five then spoke, "Well, that was an...interesting time-line. Mine was quite similar to Seventy's, however Lily and her family survived, as Peter Pettigrew didn't become their Secret-Keeper... He still betrayed them though, kidnapping the young Harry and trying to bring him to Voldemort, but I managed to catch him and kill him...
He frowned at Severus, who felt a sudden surge of anger. Although the man didn't deserve it, he felt a great deal of dislike and envy toward him, as he had gotten what Severus would have done anything for out of mere chance... Finally, the man said simply, still frowning sadly at him, "Unfortunately, while I regained my friendship with Lily, I eventually realized that I had little choice but to move on. I had missed my chance due to my foolishness, and there was no second chances in the 'game of love'. Still, I always loved her, and I think that she grew to think of me in the same way..."
Seventy-five paused for a moment, shaking his head in mild regret, then continued, "After a while, I got back onto the 'dating scene', although I can't say that I was too impressed with the 'women' who were there. They...they reminded me of scum like Petter Pettigrew, most of them, only interested in me because I was famous for what I had done... Still, although I never really got close to any of them, they sure made good shags some of the time..."
"And you took advantage of them like that? Just for their bodies? That's awful!" Severus rolled his eyes as Ninety-eight glared at Seventy-five, clearly quite the goody-goody when he wasn't completely shocked, like he had been during One's tale. The man's eyes blazed with righteous fury, and Severus began to see why he was able to get along with James Potter... Like him, he was clearly a complete moron...
Meanwhile, Seventy-five responded coolly, "They wanted the fame that came from sleeping with a famous guy, I wanted shagging; it worked out just fine... Besides, I think that I had this slight hope that Lily would become raving jealous or something. I dunno... That phase didn't last for more than a few years before I started dating in the hopes of finding someone I could actually like...which unfortunately didn't happen for a good fifteen years..."
Ninety-eight seemed mollified, but he still had a frown on his lips as he watched Seventy-five tell his tale...
Trailing off for a moment, he then shrugged. "In any case, I spent my years travelling between Hogwarts and the Potter home; apparently, my saving his son's life was enough for James to decide to let bygones be bygones, as long as I didn't try anything with his wife...or at least not anything that he noticed... It didn't matter much, as I eventually realized that the only way of getting Lily back would be to get James to cheat on her or trick her somehow...and I had never wanted to win that way." Severus nodded at this; he had always taken pride in his sense of honor, even when he was a Death Eater. Winning Lily back like that...just wasn't him, although he would certainly have been tempted.
Unfortunately, One butted in, saying with a smirk, "That was pretty stupid of you; if you wanted her, then why give up before there's nothing left that you can do? If it were me, I would have just used Amortentia, then let it taper off."
Twenty replied for Seventy-five, saying coldly, "There is a difference between what someone can do, and what they should do, worm. I may not be one to talk, but I would never have done anything like what you would pull..."
Ignoring them both, Seventy-five continued with a smirk, "Well, Harry came to school, quickly making a bunch of friends. The first ones were good ones...the later ones not so much; still, I will always thank my lucky stars for the day he made friends with a certain Miss Hermione Granger... The two of us became good friends, staying as such even when Harry got caught up with Ron Weasley's little pigheaded group of Slytherin-hating Quidditch players. She actually started to come to me as if I were her mentor, something which flattered me greatly. I had never been someone who people really wanted to talk to or learn from..."
Smiling as he looked down slightly, fingering a golden band with a single emerald on his finger, the man's eyes seemed alight with merriment for a moment. "I taught her just about everything I knew, taking her from a brilliant student to a brilliant Potions Mistress. As I'm sure Seventy noticed in his time-line, she didn't have much of a flair for the topic, but she created her own genius in the end. Hermione ended up memorizing just about everything that could affect a potion and in what way, by the time I was through with her. This allowed her to become truly brilliant at modifying potions for easier usage... Lily adored her, and was thrilled for the help, as was I..."
His voice turned wistful, then he smirked as he said,"I didn't realize it at the time, but I was falling for her, and she was doing the same. Of course, nothing happened while she was a student... Dumbledore would have been furious with me if I had; he was already angered about how I had given up my usefulness as a spy for Harry's sake after all..."
Severus had to smirk at that; after being jerked around like a puppet for half of his life by Dumbledore, he couldn't say he minded the thought of him getting a little peeved. It would have almost been worth dating the bushy-haired chit to see Dumbledore tearing out his beard like he surely would have... 'That would teach him to have me spend my entire bloody life guarding a boy he just planned to feed to an Avada Kedavra! He can do his own dirty work next time, instead of making me the scapegoat for his sordid schemes!'
Meanwhile, Seventy-five said slowly, "However...Hermione started making her moves long before I decided to pursue her, although I didn't realize it at the time. It wasn't until the Fall after her seventh year that I realized that she would always wait to tell me her most clever ideas in our little Potions sessions until right before I was about to go out on a date...and then I would be so caught up on talking to her that I would almost have to be dragged out the door! Really, it was quite masterful..."
Although most of his counterparts seemed not to care much about the romance between Seventy-five and the girl, Severus frowned darkly, hating the very idea of being attracted to Granger; the little chit pushed all of his buttons, infuriating him constantly. If it weren't for her, he was sure that he would have gotten the chance to expel Potter years ago...well, if Dumbledore had the slightest bit of fairness when it involved the boy that is. She might have been reasonably clever and quick-witted, but there was no way that there could have been anything between them, that he was certain!
'Still...perhaps my counterpart did have a point... No, best not to think about it; besides, he seems like a very different man. It's unlikely that even Granger would have fallen for a wreck of a man like me...' Mused Severus.
Returning his attention to the story, he quickly realized that Seventy-five must have moved on with his story, as it sounded as if he were near the end of it. "...Unfortunately, a few years after Hermione had our first and only child, who she named Keila for whatever reason, she passed away. Of course, just like Seventy, I didn't follow her into the void; I had a daughter to take care of, and friends who needed me...even if I still am not quite sure how Potter and I grew to consider ourselves friends... Perhaps acquaintances would have been a better term..."
Frowning for a moment, Seventy-five then said simply, "Well, the rest of my life wasn't all that interesting; I taught, I raised my daughter and I spent time with my friends. I think I had a pretty good life, but I can't deny that I've been looking forward to seeing Hermione again for a very long time... I love Lily, but I've promised myself to Hermione, now and forever...
End Flashback:
He still wasn't quite sure what to say about that time-line, although that might have been because he had gotten the chance to punch that blasted One in his hooked beak of a nose. A wanker like him deserved every bit of hell that this strange afterlife had cooked up for him... Besides, it helped him avoid thoughts about how his life hadn't amounted to all that much, even if he had been a hero...
Shrugging, Severus did his best to blend in as he was guided into a small, roundish room, with a red stone in the center. The stone then started to speak, "Processing...Severus 18275048, finished in the Seventieth Percentile. Individual results: pain to others: 6, pain to self: 10, pleasure to others: 4, pleasure to self: 1. Overall Result: 2.5... A positive balance means that you can avoid purgatory completel-"
Suddenly, it stopped speaking, interrupted by a voice that Severus hadn't heard in more than twenty years, save for in a pensieve or his mind. Turning in shock, Severus saw Lily Evans leaning against the greyish stone wall behind him, a sad smile on her face. Her voice was quiet, but with a maturity that Severus couldn't remember it having, "So...you're here too now, Severus. It...it's been a while."
Severus swallowed, opened his mouth to speak, then closed it without saying anything. He had spent so long wondering what he would say to her if he got the chance to speak to her again...yet he didn't know what to say, now that he had received the opportunity. Instead, he merely drank in her eyes, the last thing that he remembered from his life. They still shone with kindness and peace, but now they possessed a hard-earned understanding and maturity that he couldn't remember seeing on them in life... He also noticed that she bore a set of greyish-white robes, similar to his own but somewhat darker, bearing a golden 'forty-four' emblazoned on the front.
Swallowing one last time, Severus croaked out hoarsely, "It...it has been a while, Lily..." He couldn't stop himself from caressing her name reverently when he spoke it, savoring how he had finally gotten the chance to say it while speaking to her... "I've...missed you very much..."
"I've missed you too, S-Severus..." Her voice was muffled slightly, and Severus could see that her eyes were wet as she gazed at him searchingly. Choking up slightly, he opened his mouth once more, then closed it soundlessly. A silence descended upon the former best friends as they each looked at one another sadly, Severus knowing what he should say, but unable to say it with how uncomfortable he was. It was a feeling that was far too familiar to him...far too painful...
Mustering his courage, Severus then spoke, forcing out the words from his mouth much like he had done in the past...although he hoped for a better outcome this time, "Lily, I'm really sor-"
However, Lily cut him off, saying quickly, "No, Severus, please let me apologize first this time." She took a deep breath, causing her chest to inflate slightly, then seemed to be suddenly paralyzed as he looked into her eyes. Her face took on a slightly reddish hue as she tried again, finally saying, "I...I never meant for things to get so out of hand towards the end of our friendship, especially after Sirius tried to kill you, and I'm very sorry about that. I mean, I knew that things were going badly, but I just...didn't want to confront them. I was scared and worried, and I-I'm sorry that I didn't believe in you the way I should have... You weren't half as bad as I made it sound when you spent that night by the portrait hole, but things were so complicated..."
She halted herself suddenly, then shook her head, then continued with a muttered "Come on Lily, you've spent years thinking this over...".
"Actually, no it wasn't complicated; it was me being stupid and pigheaded and listening to other people who were equally stupid and pigheaded. When I should have been thinking about you, and at least considered how humiliated you had been and how desperate for friends you were, I was thinking all about myself and how hurt 'I' was and how 'I' had been betrayed after years of standing up for you. You were...you were horrified by what you had done, and clearly regretted it completely... Had I realized this...then it wouldn't have been too late, not really... I-I had already decided that you were guilty, and didn't even give you a fair chance...and for that, I'm more sorry than you can possibly imagine..."
Lily then paused, before giggling slightly, much to Severus' confusion. "Actually, you are probably the only one who COULD imagine how sorry I was." Sobering quickly, the red-headed woman then continued, bowing her head so that Severus could no longer see her eyes, "I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you, and I'm sorry I didn't give you the chance that you deserved. You deserved better than you got from everyone, and I'm no exception..."
She then lifted her head slightly, to the point where Severus could just barely see her face, cloaked in the shadows as it was. Lily then asked quietly, worry creeping into her tone, "Will you forgive me, Severus?"
Severus could only stare at her dumbly; he had spent years mourning the end of their friendship, wondering how he might have done something different to change how it would have gone. He had never really focused on what Lily had or had not done, as it wasn't her fault that he hadn't been worthy of for-
Cutting that thought off before it could begin once again, Severus nodded and said hoarsely, "Yes...I'll forgive you, Lily..." As she beamed at him though, clearly about to speak, Severus then held up his hand. Speaking slowly, he then continued, "...but only if you promise to listen to my apology for what I've done... I've done things that are worse than you can possibly imagi-"
"You're wrong." Lily interrupted, eyes flashing with...something, something Severus couldn't identify as she shook her head furiously. "I've been watching over you, you and Harry, for years. I've seen you at your worst, when you were bullying my son mercilessly out of a hatred for a man long-dead, but I've also seen you at your best: charging into the Shrieking Shack to protect Harry and capture the man you thought was his killer, knowing that you were outnumbered and facing the same werewolf which nearly killed you once before...but you did it anyway, and no-one even thought to thank you for that..."
As Severus remembered the incident, although without the silly heroics that Lily seemed determined to inject into it, she continued forcefully, "Severus, I've had years to get to understand my husband, and he is a very good man. He risked his life for the entire wizarding world, and for the sake of those he loved... However...however, you risked your life for those who hated you, sacrificing everything for the sake of a boy who you thought was nothing more than a copy of his hated father and a reminder of your mistakes besides..." Lily's tone then changed to a quiet, admiring one, "Severus, I'll forgive you of the mistakes you have made, but you'll have to admit that there was far more to your life than those..."
Not sure if he could do what she was asking, Severus still nodded nonetheless, as it behooved him to accept her terms in return for what was really quite minor indeed. Lily then lifted her head, and Severus caught his breath, seeing her watery smile.
Stiff as a board, he watched helplessly as she walked over to him, then wrapped her arms around him in a hug. Her voice muffled by his white robes as she buried her face in his chest, he heard her say, "Thank you, Severus, thank you so very much..."
"Um...thank you?" Severus asked hesitantly, mind racing as he was unsure how to deal with this... Although he wasn't afraid anymore of her knowing how he felt about her, especially since she just told him that she had been peeping on him for more than a decade and probably knew already, that didn't mean that he knew how to deal with a hug... "Err, could you let me go?"
In response to his uncomfortable inquiry, Lily merely let out a laugh, which tickled his chest as she stubbornly said, "No."
Forced to submit to her embrace, Severus allowed himself to grow mildly comfortable, although he was starting to wonder just when something would occur to make things go all pear-shaped. Finally, he heard Lily clear her throat; looking down, he noticed that she had backed up slightly, although she was still hugging him. She had a disappointed look on her face, and Severus felt a stabbing sensation pass through him once again, knowing that he had messed things up again...
"Severus...I wish that you hadn't died like that...hours before you would have gotten the chance to show the world what a hero you were...perhaps finding someone...someone else that you loved." And that was it, verbal confirmation that Lily knew how he had felt about her, and that she didn't feel the same way... Surprisingly, he felt better knowing for sure, as if a giant weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. However, his thoughts were short-circuited by her continuing,
"Early on, I'll admit that I was flattered by how you sacrificed everything for my sake...but I didn't want you to spend the rest of your life miserable, not for the sake of a woman long-dead... Dumbledore was wrong when he claimed that I would have wanted you to spend your life keeping my son sake; mind you, I wanted Harry safe very much, but not at the cost of watching you living your life like a rat in a cage... I wanted you to be happy, not miserable..."
Severus swallowed at this, then looked away, before saying hoarsely, "I...I would never have forgiven myself, had I not done everything I could to atone for what went wrong. Besides, I needed to remember you to keep me sane, to keep me from taking the easy route out... I came so close several times to joining them for real; they were the only ones who cared about me, especially Lucius, Draco and Narcissa."
He swallowed, hardly able to look down at those saddness-filled green eyes. "It was incredibly tempting to just...stop pretending that I was a Death Eater and actually do it for real, especially after Dumbledore's death... I could have fallen so easily... Maybe if I had survived, then perhaps I would have moved on, but I needed to remember you... I needed to keep my torch for you burning or I would have had nothing to protect me from the darkness again... "
"I still wish that you had had the chance, Severus. I'll say it once, and I'll say it again: You deserved far more than what you got out of your life..." Lily said fervently, before lapsing into silence, making Severus want to smile once more; even if she didn't love him in the way he wanted...he would be more than fine enough with her friendship... After so long and with so little, it would be worth its weight in gold to him...
Lily then backed away, letting go of Severus , making him feel rather...cold. She then said awkwardly, fidgetting slightly as she spoke, "Well, anyway, I've come here to help you decide what you want to do with your afterlife."
She coughed, then spoke in a more formal tone, "Ahem, in any case, you have four options thanks to your high percentile. You can move on, bringing along anyone who you want to bring and who wants to come with you. you can be reincarnated alone, forgetting just about everything, but receiving a very good life thanks to your high percentile, or you can move on to a 'perfect world'..." She paused for a moment, then continued, "Well, not a completely perfect world, but one which is ideally suited for you... I'm still not quite sure what that means... Stupid subtle distinctions..."
Severus had to chuckle, amused at how Lily found difficulty with 'subtlety' even after so long...much like her son did...an odd thought.
"In any case, Severus, there is a fourth option for you. You can do what...a friend of mine called a 'linked reincarnation'. You, me and anyone that either of us want to who is willing to come along can choose to be reincarnated together. We wouldn't remember anything, but..." Lily trailed off, then said quietly, but in such a way that Severus knew that she had changed the subject, "Things wouldn't happen in the same way, although we would certainly meet again, even if we didn't recognize each other as the same person..."
Cutting herself off, Lily then shrugged slightly, before placing her hands on his and grasping them lightly. "It's all up to you; whichever choice you prefer, it's all fine with me... Bear in mind, I asked James if he wanted to come along, but still...I don't think he will; he keeps saying that he wouldn't abandon the rest of his Marauders... Besides, twenty years including the afterlife is a lot of time, you know?"
Severus thought it over, but he knew from the beginning which one he would choose. A perfect world sounded nice, but...he didn't think that it would be worth it without the one he loved... "I choose the fourth option..."
Lily smiled, eyes alight with joy...
Epilogue:
Severus scowled as he stomped through the Hogwarts train, having had to suffer the antics of his...over-affectionate mother; although nice in private, it was incredibly embarrassing in public. She had even kissed him on the cheek as he prepared to leave for Hogwarts for his second year, KISSED him! How on earth would he survive the jeers of his housemates after that!?
As if that weren't bad enough, he had been so late in getting on the train that it was unlikely that he could have a compartment to himself, family name or no. So far the first six compartments had been filled to the brim already, with Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs no less. 'A particularly loathesome combination; either they're arrogant fools or bleeding-heart idiots! At least the Ravenclaws have brains to go with their bluster!' He knew from his father that Gryffindor sometimes got some intelligent students, albeit a rare thing, but he had seen no evidence of that in the entire past YEAR.
Spying an empty compartment, he rushed inside and closed the door behind him, before groaning as he tried to lift his luggage and place it in the overhead compartments. Although he had persuaded his mother that he did NOT need ten pairs of shoes, and his father had placed a multitude of lightening and shrinking charms upon the bags, it was still heavy to lift his personal laboratory. Still, after a few minutes of struggling, he managed to place it in the compartment without trouble.
Smirking, he turned around, only to see a girl sitting across from him, staring at him with a rather pink face. She was rather...pretty, short, but with long red hair and bright brown eyes. However, what was far more impressive was how the had slipped in without him noticing...he could have sworn that he had locked the door behind him...
Suddenly, she smiled and let out a giggle, causing Severus to realize that he had been caught staring...and at a girl, no less! His face heating up, he then hissed out, "What the hell are you doing here, you nosy little chit! This is my compartment, not yours!"
No longer laughing, the girl gave him a dark look, one which caused Severus to unintentionally gulp in fear... She then got up, placing her hands on her hips, before saying peevishly, "In case you didn't notice, I was the one who was here first, you moronic knucklehead! I was sitting right here, by the window, when you barged right in! If you want to leave, then go ahead! I'm staying right here!"
Realizing that he must have missed her thanks to how short she was, Severus quickly changed the subject, saying coolly, "Well, just make sure that you keep it down then. I'm trying to study!" He saw her roll her eyes in annoyance, but was quickly distracted by his book, on advanced animal transfigurations; there was so much he didn't know, in spite of what lessons Grandpa Lucius would give him when they came over to his house.
However, he was suddenly interrupted by the silly girl's crouching by him and looking over his shoulder and asking curiously, "What are you studying? I don't recall any mention of spells like that in our curriculum..."
Although his first instinct was to be annoyed, Severus had to admit that the girl was far more intelligent than she had seemed at first glance, if she had actually taken the time to look up the entire first-year's curriculum. As such, he nodded and said in a more genial tone of voice, "Well, this sort of stuff is the basis of Animagus training, the very basics. What with my name and all, I've got quite a bit to live up to. Becoming an Animagus is something that is really cool-sounding, don't you think?"
The girl frowned, then pointed out, "Err, I don't think that you told me your name."
His face heating up once more as he realized that the girl was right again, Severus nonetheless drew himself up and said proudly, "My name's Severus, Severus Lucius Malfoy. My dad named me after his godfather, THE Severus Tobias Snape! Dad said that it had to be an omen when I was born, as he had been thinking about how to honor the man, and out I popped with a shock of dark hair just like him!"
The girl certainly seemed impressed, as her mouth gaped open in an 'o', eyes flashing with interest. "Wow, that's really cool! I mean, Severus Snape was a genius, or so my dad told me." She then offered Severus her hand, saying with a grin, "I'm Lily, Lily Potter. It's really nice to meet you."
Accepting her hand, Severus kissed it lightly, chuckling as he saw the girl blush. She was certainly interesting, Miss Lily Potter... The red-head seemed rather smart, and it was fun to talk with her, even if she was a girl... He hoped that she would be in Slytherin too...
His musings were interrupted when Lily asked curiously, "Wouldn't it be hard, trying to become an animagus? I mean, I know that my dad tried and failed, and he's supposed to be a really powerful wizard; everyone says so..."
Severus smirked, before continuing the conversation. This girl was smart, funny and seemed nice without being stupid; it was a shame that she was a Potter...but he couldn't wait until he could introduce it to his dad. Draco Malfoy would have a thestral at the thought of his son being friends with a Potter!
'Stupid brothers!' Lily growled mentally, incensed at how both of her brothers had chosen to abandon her as soon as they had gotten on the train, meeting with their friends. 'They promise to keep an eye on me, and they forget about it before they even choose a compartment! I mean, I didn't really want to spend all my time with their dirty, Quidditch-loving friends, but still!'
Regardless, this left Lily all alone, as everyone seemed to pass by her compartment. It wasn't surprising really, as she had always been rather quiet, not having many friends other than her family. Still, she still remembered her father's tales of meeting Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione on his first trip to Hogwarts, and had privately hoped for such a meeting in HER first train ride...
As if to answer her thoughts, a boy suddenly barged into the room, slamming the door behind him. He had long, dark hair, which stretched nearly to the top of his shoulders and pale skin. He was clearly a pureblood wizard, as Lily doubted that anyone of another blood status would be wearing a pink blouse with dark brown trousers. Grunting heavily, he groaned as he lifted a couple of bags up to the overhead compartments, acting as if he were lifting a good few stones with each one.
Smirking proudly, the boy then turned around and looked right at her, causing Lily to blush as she realized that she had been caught staring. He didn't seem to mind though, appearing more confused than anything else. Nearly a minute passed with the two looking at each other in silence, her being primarily interested in his rather warm grey eyes. Lily wondering what was bothering him so much...
Suddenly, Lily giggled as she realized why he was looking so confused: he must not have noticed that she was in the compartment with how short she was. The boy seemed to take offence though, clenching his hands into fists at his sides as he hissed out, flushing slightly,"What the hell are you doing here, you nosy little chit! This is my compartment, not yours!"
Hurt at the boys rudeness, Lily glared at him. If he didn't want to share a compartment with her, just like everybody else, then that was fine by her! She then got up, placing her hands on her hips, before saying peevishly, "In case you didn't notice, I was the one who was here first, you moronic knucklehead! I was sitting right here, by the window, when you barged right in! If you want to leave, then go ahead! I'm staying right here!"
However, instead of leaving like her brothers would have when she was in a temper, the boy merely frowned slightly at her. He then said "Well, just make sure that you keep it down then. I'm trying to study!" in a cool voice, causing her to roll her eyes in annoyance as he turned his face toward the suddenly-opened book. Still, it could have gone worse, she supposed.
A bit of time passed, during which Lily quickly grew restless; she had been a little foolish now that she thought about it, packing all of her books into her trunk. Now what was she supposed to do? She had nothing to read, and this boy didn't seem to be interested in doing anything other than reading HIS book.
Sighing, she turned to look at the boy, as there was nothing else to do really. She wondered what house he was in, or if he was a first-year like her. He lacked a tie, but that didn't mean much as they had yet to change into their robes, although maybe the book would give a clue. Taking a good look at him, Lily noticed that he seemed very well organized and not horribly groomed, unlike most of the boys she knew. Albus had once been a clean boy, but then James and Hugo had gotten him into Quidditch, and he had never looked back...
Noticing the title to his book after she walked over to him to get a better look: Animal Transfiguration for The Teenage Witch or Wizard, Lily felt compelled to ask, "What are you studying? I don't recall any mention of spells like that in our curriculum..." She felt a sudden surge of sadness at the thought they wouldn't be in the same grade-level, although she wasn't sure why.
The boy frowned again, but didn't seem to be bothered much, instead just watching her curiously. Lily felt as if he were giving her a test of some sort, and gazed back unflinchingly, determined to pass whatever test it was. Finally, he nodded and said in a rather nice-sounding voice, "Well, this sort of stuff is the basis of Animagus training, the very basics. What with my name and all, I've got quite a bit to live up to. Becoming an Animagus is something that is really cool-sounding, don't you think?"
Lily frowned, trying to recall if the boy had said anything, only to come up with a blank. "Err, I don't think that you told me your name."
The boy blushed slightly, then drew up, pointing to himself with a smirk as he said grandly, "My name's Severus, Severus Lucius Malfoy. My dad named me after his godfather, THE Severus Tobias Snape! Dad said that it had to be an omen when I was born, as he had been thinking about how to honor the man, and out I popped with a shock of dark hair just like him!"
That was certainly impressive, Lily had to admit, although she doubted that anyone other than her family or the Malfoys would have thought that a good referrence. Still, Severus Snape was somewhat of a family hero for the Potters, what with how he had saved both Mum and Dad in the years before he died. "Wow, that's really cool! I mean, Severus Snape was a genius, or so my dad told me." She then offered the boy her hand as Mum had advised that she do when making friends. Grinning, she then said, "I'm Lily, Lily Potter. It's really nice to meet you."
Instead of simply shaking her hand, Severus pulled it up and pressed his lips to it lightly, causing her to blush. Although it was on the hand, this was the first time that she had had any boy's lips on her, apart from her family of course. She felt incredibly embarrassed as her mind whirred frantically, her thoughts firing all over the place; what if he wanted to ask her out on a date or something? That's what James did whenever he kissed a girl! She wasn't ready for dating, and boys were icky...although this one seemed fine... Glancing at him, Lily realized that he was lost in thought; apparently she didn't have to worry about anymore kisses or dating for now, which was a very good thing, especially because he was a Malfoy!
Suddenly remembering what he had been saying, Lily asked aloud before she could stop herself, "Wouldn't it be hard, trying to become an animagus? I mean, I know that my dad tried and failed, and he's supposed to be a really powerful wizard; everyone says so..."
Severus smirked lightly at her, before explaining just how long the process was; apparently it took most wizards YEARS to become an Animagus. Even if one was very skilled, it wasn't something that one could do in just a few weeks or anything. He had barely even started learning how, after all.
'Well, for a Malfoy, he doesn't seem so bad. Besides, anyone named after Severus Snape can't be ALL bad! I mean, look at Albus! Besides, this boy seems to be SOO much smarter than the rest of the boys I know, so maybe it will be fun to be friends with him. I hope that we're in the same houses! It seems like I've known him forever...'
Grinning, Lily continued the conversation with Severus Malfoy...
Author's Note: Well, it's been a long, hard road, but we've finally made it to the end of the tale...at least, this part of it. I've decided to keep it open-ended for now, and I hope that I did a good job with the reincarnated duo; Severus is still clearly a bit of a geek, but this time he has a loving family, and no bullies to speak of.
I'm sure that some of you might be curious what happened between last chapter and this one, but that is a secret for now (I might include those scenes in What if? Missing Moments though!).
Although this is marked as complete, I plan on having one more chapter, acting as sort of a preview for upcoming fics... Let's just say that Lily isn't the only one to get an interesting Purgatory=)...
Until next time!
Escoger