TonDC - How long must this continue…
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The room froze. It wasn't the type of freezing when something horrible happens or something terrifying. It was the type of frozen that takes place when everyone holds their breath, waiting for someone to utter the first sound. The type of frozen where you strained your ears waiting for the sound yet not wanting it to come from your own mouth.
Octavia was the first to move, just barely. A slight tilt of her head and her eyes darted to and locked on her heda. Lexa's entire body was a statue. She couldn't even make out the rise and fall of her chest from her breaths. If not for the water she could make out in the steely green eyes and the fact that the commander was standing upright, Octavia would have been convinced she was unconscious.
She dared a glance back to Clarke, happy to see the blonde was quiet, aside from a little quicker than normal breathing, but her body was relaxed now. She looked up to meet Lincoln's eyes, begging for him to break the silence they found themselves trapped in. At any other time she would have laughed at his widened eyes and quick shake of his head, but now wasn't the time for laughter and all she could do was wait.
Echo had taken in the scene in silence like the rest, but wasn't content to let it continue. She turned slowly towards her heda and knew she had to do something and only prayed the woman wouldn't punish her for it. Without further hesitation, she slowly approached the still frozen leader and gently grabbed her forearm. Lexa's gaze didn't leave Clarke, but she did take a small shuddering breath. That was all Echo needed before she tightened her grip and pulled, dragging Lexa with her to the corner of the room quickly.
Snapping out of her shocked state, Lexa looked to the blonde quickly and then back at Echo, but rather than the glare she was expecting, Echo was shocked to see an emotion she had never really seen on her strong leader's face: fear. Lexa opened her mouth, but no sound came out and she swallowed hard, her frame now visibly shaking.
Echo stepped closer to her, still holding onto her commander's forearm, just below her elbow. "Leksa," she started slowly, hesitantly, afraid of using her heda's name, even considering the circumstances.
Lexa met her eyes, not upset, but instead looking rather relieved. She nodded once, "Leksa is fine for now. I'm afraid your heda" she bit out the word, "isn't prepared to deal with this."
"She is, but Leksa needs to first." Echo replied softly, squeezing her arm and letting go. She nodded behind her, to the small table and chairs where they could sit. Once seated, Echo retrieved some water and sat it down in front of her leader. Even though Lexa was a war hardened leader, smart, fiercely determined and strong, she had never looked younger and more unprepared to Echo. "Do you return her feelings?" She had to ask, even though she knew the answer but she wanted to hear her say it out loud.
Lexa's eyes never left the hazel in front of her as she nodded, then looking back across the room. Her panicked eyes softened as she took in the blonde's features in the warm glow of the candlelight. "I've loved her from the first moment I saw her." She grit her jaw and looked away, focusing hard on the table in front of her.
Echo tilted her head slightly, studying the words and emotions that were trying to escape and being forced to recede in front of her eyes. "Then why do you fight this? It is destined."
Lexa pinned her with her eyes, "Even if that were true, I-" she stopped, lowering her gaze. "I don't deserve someone like her. Not after what I've done."
"What you've done? What is it that makes you feel you are undeserving of her love? Of happiness?" Echo leaned forward, resting her arms on the table in front of her.
"I betrayed her alliance. I left her people on that mountain to die." She hung her head, feeling shame, something she didn't feel often. "I made a deal with the enemy."
"You saved our people, Leksa. You kept your word, your duty, to all of us." She scooted her chair over so that she was sitting next to the brunette.
"I hurt her!" She bit out lowly, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall. "You didn't see her eyes when I left…she was broken."
Echo reached forward, clasping her hand over one of Lexa's, smiling when she wasn't met with any resistance. "So were you," she whispered, squeezing softly, "You both are and now is your chance for healing. Together."
Lexa pulled her hand away then, ever stubborn as she put her elbows on the table and rested her head in her hands. "She can't possibly still want anything to do with me…and even if she did, she is of the Skaikru and -"
"Shof op, Leksa. Hod op." Shut up, Leksa. Stop. Echo stated firmly, drawing pale green eyes to meet her determined look. She was going to talk sense into this woman if it killed her. And Lexa might. "You're making excuses out of fear." She held up her hand when Lexa went to speak, "Beja" Please.
Lexa nodded, gritting her teeth and allowing her to continue. Her glare was fierce however, not appreciating being told to shut up by one of her warriors, but let it go.
"She is here." Echo started, "You made choices you had to make, as did she. But she is here Leksa, she is with us." She turned her head, smiling softly at the blonde who was mostly calm, but muttering softly. "She sought us out, willingly asking to take the trials for herself. To make herself whole once again. And she will be stronger for it."
"I know this, Echo. But that doesn't change the facts of what has happened. Our people will never accept someone that killed hundreds of our warriors; someone from the sky…with me." She spoke softly, admitting her fear.
Echo leaned back, a smug smile on her face. "That is your worry?" She asked, almost ready to role her eyes. Love really does make us crazy. She thought to herself.
"Chich op," Speak Lexa bit out, not appreciating the self satisfied look on Echo's face.
Echo shook her head, smile never leaving her face. "You were here, from the beginning of the trials, were you not?" Seeing Lexa quirk her eyebrow she continued, "Should Clarke come through the trials, what was her request?"
Lexa stiffened, realizing what she was referring to. "She asked to become Trikru," she whispered, more to herself. "To be one of us."
Echo's smile brightened, "She asked to become one of us, and only to be liaison to the Skaikru. To be with you, Leksa." Her smile lowered as her face became serious, "She did what she had to do, in war, to protect her people. Just as we did. Our people will understand that. And as one of us, they will have no reason not to accept her as your life partner."
The wheels in Lexa's mind were turning, but she still couldn't let it be that easy. It couldn't be. "You move ahead to quickly, how she feels could change once this is all over. It may have already."
Echo shook her head, exasperated. "You feel you don't deserve her forgiveness but you fail to see that you have always had it. You'll believe it coming from her." She glanced back, hearing a whimper come from her sister. "Hopefully that time will come sooner rather than later." Turning back to her commander, she stood. "Think about what I've said, Heda."
She smiled softly and made her way back to the blonde, taking up her spot at her side, taking her hand that was now tensed into a fist. "Come back to us, Klark."
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The sound was piercing, as was the heat from the blast. She felt herself and her mother being thrown to the ground as her ears began to ring. "Mom" she called out, looking over towards her, "Mom, are you okay?" Seeing her mother rise she breathed out in relief, "Thank god, come on, we can't be here. We, we have to go."
She watched as her mother's confusion cleared. "You knew. You knew and you let this happen?" It was a question yet sounded more like a statement to her ears.
Clarke shook her head slightly, "We had no choice." She started as her mom turned towards the village.
"So many people…her people."
"We had to protect Bellamy. Without -"
"No, no stop it! I don't want to hear it." Abby stood up, backing away a step. "Tell me this was Lexa. Please Clarke. Please tell me this wasn't you."
"I wish I could." She stepped towards her mother seriously, "You can't tell anyone about this. If anyone finds out we knew, the alliance of the 12 clans will break. We'll lose the war."
"You crossed a line, their blood is on your hands. And even if we win, I'm afraid you won't be able to wash it off this time. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me." Abby turned and walked back towards the now burning village.
"Mom. Mom, wait!" Clarke cried out, tears beginning to stream down her face as her mom walked away.
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"See." Lexa pointed to Clarke, but kept her eyes focused on Echo. "She suffers because of a choice I made, even before the one on the mountain."
"I didn't agree with what happened," Octavia stood up, facing the other two women, "I hated Clarke for a while for that, but believe me when I say, she doesn't let anyone force her hand. She makes her own decisions, so don't give yourself that much power over her." She paused, feeling only slightly bad for her comment and nodded her head slightly in respect. "Heda."
"This is my fault." They turned, hearing Clarke speak again. "I convinced Lexa that Bellamy was our best shot." Her voice cracked as tears poured over her cheeks, "She sacrificed her people in the village to give him a chance because of me." Choked sobs wracked her body, causing her to lean forward, grabbing at her stomach.
"She doesn't suffer because of you for this, Heda." Lincoln advises her. "She suffers because she feels she forced your hand."
Lexa sighed out, raising her eyes to the ceiling, willing her tears to dry. "Come sit beside her." She hears, turning to face Octavia as she stands, backing away from her spot beside Clarke. "I think she'll find some comfort in your presence."
Lexa hesitated briefly, before stepping past Echo and lowering herself to sit cross legged beside the blonde. "And maybe you'll find some comfort in hers." Echo whispered in her ear softly before too standing and giving her heda as much privacy as she could.
Lexa sat close enough to feel the blonde's warmth and to smell the unique scent that was Clarke, but not close enough to touch her arm and hurt her. She looked at the tensed fist next to her leg and slowly took it in her own, wrapping both hands around Clarke's right. Her breath hitched in surprise when within seconds, the blonde's fist slowly released and Lexa found the fingers of her left hand threaded between Clarke's.
"Lexa." Clarke whimpered out and all she could do was take in a shaky breath and lower her head to her hands, still holding the blonde's, hoping for her to come back to her soon.
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The roar of the warriors was all around her, ready to invade the mountain, to get their vengeance, their justice and bring their people home. The doors were opening and the roaring intensified. Clarke turned back to them shouting "Attack!" but was caught off guard as another voice called out "Chil daun!" Stand down. The noise quieted some as the attention was diverted to a group of soldiers, with Lexa in the lead coming down the path towards them.
Clarke stepped forward as Lexa stopped just in front of her, eyes guarded and blood covering her face. That's when she noticed one of the mountain soldiers next to the commander. Emerson, she recalled. His hands were tied. She glanced back to the door, seeing the frail and weakened hostages of the Trikru slowly making their way out.
She turned back to Lexa, "They're surrendering?" She asked, not quite believing it, but hopeful all the same that this was now over.
"Not quite." Came the reply, but not from Lexa. From Emerson, who just looked towards Lexa and Clarke couldn't stop herself from following his movement back to the woman in front of her.
"Oh Lexa, no, please don't let this be happening." She thought to herself, seeing the woman she loved try to mask her emotions, but it was useless. It was useless in the set of her jaw, it was useless in the bobbing of her throat as she nervously swallowed and it was useless to hide what Clarke could so clearly see as devastation in her eyes.
She knew. She knew in that moment what had happened, but she heard herself asking anyway. "What did you do?"
"What you would have done." Came the reply. "Save my people." The shakiness to her voice was subtle, but it was there. But Clarke couldn't allow herself to focus on that. Not when her mind was spinning out of control but she had to keep herself standing. Had to keep herself as focused as she could, even as she felt every single fibre of her being screaming at her as the intense pain of longing and sorrow enveloped her in a hold that was crushing.
She couldn't acknowledge the small sharp intake of breath that Lexa took, nor the clenching of her jaw. "Where are my people?" She asked slowly, gritting it out between her teeth, taking in as little air as she could in fear of it leaving her completely and finding herself not only gutted, but robbed of air too.
"I'm sorry Clarke. They weren't part of the deal." Her voice was level, so completely turned off from any emotion that anyone could see or hear from the outside. But not from Clarke. She could see it, hear it and feel it. But she held it back.
She watched as Lexa swallowed again and turned towards the smug bastard and cut the bindings around his wrists. "You made the right choice Commander."
He turned, making his way back inside as Clarke focused her gaze on Lexa once more. Her eyes were wet, she could feel it, but she could feel the hollow pain in her stomach more. It felt like drowning, like all the air was sucked out of her in that moment. Her heart was pounding, threatening to rip out of her chest and leave nothing but a bloody hole behind. She wanted to reach up, to touch her chest to see if it was still there but she was frozen. Frozen in her torment, as hot flames licked at her skin. As ice invaded her chest and took hold.
She felt Lincoln approach, heard him speak, she even responded to him but the only words she could hear over the sound of her own blood rushing through her ears was Lexa's. "I do care, Clarke." She heard. "But I made this choice with my head and not my heart. The duty to protect my people comes first."
"My head and not my heart," she heard echo through her mind. Trying to give the words meaning, purpose, but she was falling over a precipice, with nothing but a shattered soul waiting for her on the rocks down below.
"Please don't do this." She heard herself beg, knowing it was useless, but needing to say the words regardless.
"I'm sorry Clarke."
The words sounded sincere, but broken. She was broken. She was losing everything and couldn't stop what was happening around her. The warriors were retreating, she could hear it. Lincoln was being taken, and Lexa was looking at her with that look that screamed for her to understand.
"May we meet again." Was the last thing she said, before the facade nearly broke and she watched as Lexa turned and walked away with her people.
"May we meet again." She wanted to say back, amongst other things. But instead she said nothing. She stood there helplessly as she felt more alone that she ever had in her life.
She had only felt this level of loneliness on the Ark the night she had the dream and woke up alone.
Only this time, she truly felt like she was dying inside.
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