TWISTED

Chapter 10

"YOOO! Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader is On Demand!" Jocelyn yelled, rapidly sitting up on the couch and jabbing the remote towards the TV.

Hazelle sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. Of course Jocelyn and her Mount Everest-sized ego would cut her off twice in less than five minutes, completely ignoring the fact that Hazelle had even been speaking.

Her mood lifted slightly when she heard the unmistakable sound of Ford's boots clomping up the basement stairs. Finally, Hazelle thought. Some semblance of sanity in this house.

"What's all the ruckus about up here?" Ford asked, crossing his arms.

"Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader is On Demand," Mabel replied, leaning forward to steal a chip from Stan, who gave her a halfhearted scowl.

"What's this fifth grade game?" Ford asked curiously. He leaned against the door jam, less on edge now that the threat had been neutralized, and tucked his ballpoint pen behind one ear.

"Oh, don't get him started," Stan complained, sitting in the armchair. "He's a dork for all that trivia stuff."

"Really?" Hazelle asked excitedly. "You like game shows?"

Ford shrugged, shoving a journal into his coat. "Televised trivia games are a little beyond my current comprehension...but I do love games. How do you play this one?"

Jocelyn cranked the volume as Hazelle explained the game to Ford.

"So why aren't you a bundle of smiles for this?" Stan asked Hazelle. "Aren't you the one with Margaret or whatever?"

Hazelle grinned. "This is true, Margaret is my inner old lady game show lover...but this one was never my forte. I'm a Deal or No Deal, pressing your luck and weighing odds kind of girl. This is all school-stuff—an aesthetic Jocelyn is a huge fan of. Plus, I'm not that competitive."

She shot Jocelyn a sidelong glance. Competitive didn't even begin to describe Jocelyn. She was bouncing up and down, impatiently urging on the host to start the questions. "Screw the jokes, let's get this show on the road, Jeff!" she yelled.

The game began, the contestant starting off with First Grade Grammar. "'Jeff jumped joyously' is an example of what? A. Palindrome, B. Alliteration, or C. Simile?"

"Alliteration!" Jocelyn yelled before the host could even finish the question.

Out of the corner of her eye, Hazelle noticed Ford nod in approval, arms folded behind his back. She wondered what he was thinking and was tempted to ask, but she was cut off by Jeff asking the next question.

"First Grade Animal Science," Jeff said. "True or false: snakes smell with their tongue."

"True!" Jocelyn shouted.

But at the same time, Ford said calmly, "True."

There was a moment of silence as everyone realized what had happened. Slowly, Jocelyn turned her head to face Ford, passive.

"The answer is...true!" Jeff said, the audience clapping.

Ford nodded and smiled slightly to himself before noticing Jocelyn. "Um...what are you looking at?" he asked, uncomfortable.

"Nothing much," Jocelyn replied in a dangerously soft voice.

Hazelle immediately felt as if the temperature in the room had dropped ten degrees and frantically shook her head at Ford from her seat. Hazelle knew that Jocelyn was extremely competitive, and very territorial when it came to her favorite game show. This was Jocelyn acknowledging that Ford was competition. Things were about to get brutal.

After a short commercial break that FOX wouldn't let Jocelyn fast-forward through, the show returned, with the contestant choosing Second Grade Mathematics.

"Angela brings three dozen donuts to school. If Reagan, Mason, and Lauren each have three, how many donuts does Angela have left?"

"Let's see…" Jocelyn began, thinking out loud. "Three dozen is thirty-six, minus nine—"

Ford quickly cut Jocelyn off with an abrupt, "Twenty-seven."

Jocelyn froze, her hand still in the air, writing out the equation.

"You are correct!" came the host's peppy voice. "Angela would, in fact, have twenty-seven donuts left over."

The room was deadly silent as Jocelyn lowered her hand. Across the room, Ford moved to the empty spot on the couch next to Hazelle.

"I like this game," Ford commented, pleased. "I guess I am smarter than a fifth grader!"

"We'll see," Jocelyn murmured, eyes on the screen.

Hazelle knew that Jocelyn was a little ticked off by Ford answering the question before her. Jocelyn wasn't exactly a math person, and Ford's quicker answer was rubbing salt into the wound.

"Next question!" Jeff exclaimed.

"Hmm…" the contestant considered his remaining options. "Let's go with… Fourth Grade Geography!"

"Okay," Jeff began. Jocelyn leaned forward, shooting a quick glance at Ford before focusing her attention back on the screen.

"Madrid is the capital of what count—"

"SPAIN!" Jocelyn yelled, cutting off the host.

Hazelle held her ears momentarily. Jocelyn could get a bit loud when asserting her dominance.

Ford, on Hazelle's other side, leaned back in his seat, smiling slightly. He was obviously amused by Jocelyn's efforts.

On screen, the contestant was in a bit of a jam. "You know, Jeff, I'm not really sure on this one. I don't want to risk it, so I think I'm going to use my peek." The contestant locked in his cheat, thereby giving him the opportunity to look at one of his "classmates'" answers.

"Are you serious?" Jocelyn asked, incredulous. "This is so easy!"

While the contestant took a look at his classmate's answer, Jocelyn turned to give Ford an intimidating stare, no doubt hoping to put him off his game. Hazelle was glad that it wasn't pointed at her. Jocelyn was downright scary when mad.

Sure enough, Ford quickly became visibly uncomfortable, and eventually met Jocelyn's gaze head-on.

Stan's attention went from the TV to the drama happening right in front of him, sensing the drama.

"Can I help you?" Ford asked, crossing his arms.

Jocelyn narrowed her eyes, stare icy. Wordlessly, she turned her attention back to the TV as the contestant was helped along to the next question by his classmate.

Hazelle put her face in her hands. This was about to get ugly.

The contestant skipped around in the way he picked his categories, which irritated the OCD part of Hazelle, but she was more worried about the war being waged from opposite sides of her couch.

Jocelyn and Ford were neck and neck through third grade spelling, fifth grade United States history, and fourth grade science. Finally, the contestant came to the last category, third grade music.

On screen, the host read the question aloud. "A note that has a value of four quarter note beats is a…?"

Ford opened his mouth to answer when Jocelyn leapt up from her seat, aggressively pointing her finger at him.

"Let me have this," she growled through clenched teeth, "or I will fuck you like a pig, I swear to God."

Hazelle saw real fear in Ford's eyes.

Seeing that her message had met its mark, Jocelyn neatly sat down. "A whole note," she said calmly.

On the screen, the contestant was exuberant. "I know this one, Jeff!" he said excitedly. "My daughter plays the violin! It's a whole note!"

Jocelyn smiled, momentarily complacent.

The show took a short break, and then came back for the million-dollar question.

The hair on Hazelle's arms was standing on end, and there was a cold feeling pooling in the pit of her stomach. Ford and Jocelyn were way too competitive, and someone was going to leave this room angry.

The tension in the room was palpable as the million-dollar question was revealed.

"What space shuttle exploded on January 28th, 1986, and killed all seven astronauts inside, including the first teacher to go into space?"

A large grin broke out on Jocelyn's face at the same time that Ford's face fell. Hazelle's heart sank.

It was over. The space shuttle exploded in 1986. Ford was lost to the portal in 1982. There was no way he could know the answer to a question like this, and Jocelyn knew it.

"Challenger," Jocelyn said smugly, folding her hands neatly in her lap.

"Well, Jeff," the contestant was saying, "I remember when that happened, even though I was only ten. That was the space shuttle Challenger."

"You... are correct!" the host exclaimed. "You've just won a million dollars!"

Jocelyn smiled at Ford, and exited to the On Demand menu.

"Game, set, match," she declared, a smirk taking over her face.

"Jocelyn," Ford began, "that last question really wasn't fair. How could I know that? I wasn't here to experience it!"

Jocelyn crossed her arms. "But shouldn't a genius such as yourself already know things like that?" she asked sweetly.

Ford glowered at Jocelyn. Hazelle had to admit, Jocelyn's comments were a little insensitive. The topic of Ford's disappearance was a touchy one.

"I don't have time for this. I have work to do." And with that, Ford swiftly got up, and headed back downstairs to his new lair, with Dipper not far behind him.

Hazelle sighed, and opened up her mouth to say something to Jocelyn when Stan offered Jocelyn a huge high-five.

"That was awesome, kid!" Stan exclaimed. "I haven't seen my brother bested like that since… well, never!"

Jocelyn smiled, pleased with herself, and reached for the remote.

"How about another episode?"