Wayne't That Just the Way Love Goes

By

James Doyle

One rainy Boston morning, Wayne Wormser arrived promptly at his long-time place of business, the Paul Revere Mini-Mart. After performing the usual administrative tasks, the pudgy, awkward young man locked the doors, reversed the sign to "Open," and took his station at the register. A few minutes later, an attractive dark-haired woman in her late twenties, clad in a purple business skirt-suit, approached the register.

"Can I help you, ma'am?" offered Wayne.

"Yes," said the woman. "I'd like to purchase two lottery tickets please."

"Certainly," said Wayne as he worked the lottery machine. "Say, would you like to meet for lunch?"

"I really don't think that's appropriate," admonished the woman.

"Ah, come on," prodded Wayne as he handed the lady her tickets. "You've gotta play if you wanna Wayne!"

"How dare you!" protested the lady as she snatched her lottery tickets from Wayne, slammed her money down on the conveyor belt, and stomped out of the store.

'Real smooth, Wayne!' he scolded himself.

As full of himself as he seemed to the outside observer, Wayne knew that he'd never been much good with women. He'd also never been good in school, and indeed had failed to gain acceptance to any post-secondary institution. In fact, he'd only ever been good at one thing, and that was managing the Paul Revere Mini-Mart. Even though Wayne ran the store in every meaningful sense, he still held the title of Assistant Manager. The title of Manager belonged to the owner's son, a shiftless drunk who rarely could be bothered to show up for work.

As well as Wayne did his job, however, he could hardly staff the store by himself. He'd had a number of baggers come and go over the years, but he would always have fond memories of the Martin twins. Though they'd gotten off to a rocky start, the twins proved themselves to be the most capable and hard-working employees he'd ever had the privilege of supervising.

Once they'd left for sea school, however, Wayne had once again to contend with the long string of junkies, ex-cons, immigrants who spoke little (if any) English, and dumb kids who'd never done a hard day's work in their life that made him so reluctant to put the "Help Wanted" sign in the window yet again. Little did Wayne realize, all of that was about to change.

Around one in the afternoon, a young woman entered the store. She stood about five-foot-four, with a slim build, long dark brown hair, prominent cheekbones; brown eyes shaped like those of a cat, and wore a skirt that displayed her long legs. Near as Wayne could tell, she appeared to be in her late teens or early twenties. Normally, Wayne would be drooling all over the floor at the sight of such a woman. However, the blow to his ego he'd received that morning left him less than enthusiastic.

"How can I help you?" asked Wayne, sitting on his stool behind the register, not looking up from his newspaper.

"I saw your 'Help Wanted' sign," said the young lady in a high-pitched, somewhat nasal (but not annoyingly so) voice. "Has the position been filled?"

"No, ma'am," said Wayne.

"I'd like to fill out an application please," requested the young lady.

"Of course," said Wayne as he headed back into the office to retrieve an application for her. "I'll just be a minute."

For some reason, the young lady looked familiar to Wayne. Suddenly, it dawned on him.

"Hey, I know who you are!" exclaimed Wayne as he came running out of the office. "You're that girl who got into a cat-fight with London Tipton over her lifeguard boyfriend."

"I don't know what you're talking about," denied the young woman.

Wayne placed his London Tipton scrapbook on the counter and opened it to a clipped from the Global Enquirer, which clearly displayed London and the young woman who now stood before him ripping each other's hair out on one of the lobby couches.

"That's definitely you," noted Wayne.

The young woman sighed. "Fine, I admit it! And it was the biggest mistake of my life. They fired me down at the Halibut Hangout when they saw my picture in the tabloids. I was working my way through school with that job. I've been living with my aunt who's threatening to throw me out if I don't start contributing to the rent. So I came here."

The young woman began to cry.

"Whoa, whoa, don't do that!" consoled Wayne.

"Why shouldn't I?" asked the young woman. "No one's ever going to give me a job with these pictures out there!"

Wayne definitely sympathized, and had always had a weak-spot for women who blubbered in front of him.

"Consider the job yours," offered Wayne.

"You're hiring me because you feel sorry for me," accused the young woman.

"Maybe," conceded Wayne. "But I know what it's like not to have a lot of options. Do you want the job or not?"

"Yes," sniffled the young woman.

"Good," said Wayne. "I just need you to fill out this application as a formality. You can start today if you want."

"Thank you, sir," said the young woman.

Wayne smiled. "Don't call me 'sir': I work for a living," said Wayne, extending his hand. "I'm Wayne."

"Wanda," she replied, shaking his hand.

"Pleased to meet you, Wanda," said Wayne. "Welcome to the Paul Revere family."

Throughout the rest of the day, Wayne took the time between customers to familiarize his new employee with the fundamentals of bagging, stock-rotation, and general cleaning. Over the next several weeks, Wanda proved herself to be a model employee: Fast, punctual, competent, and always cordial and helpful to the customers. In fact, Wayne noticed a considerable increase in repeat business since Wanda had started. Furthermore, she seemed not only willing, but also eager to work the extra hours Wayne needed to keep the business afloat in those tough economic times.

"Wayne," called Wanda as she finished restocking the cat food.

"What's up, Wanda?" asked Wayne.

"I couldn't help but notice that the 'Help Wanted' sign was back in the window," observed Wanda. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Oh no, not at all!" assured Wayne. "Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. Assuming I can hire the right people, I'm gonna need you to train a couple of new baggers so I can promote you to cashier."

"Are you serious?" asked Wanda.

"As a heart attack," replied Wayne. "Which is what I'm gonna have if I don't get some help at the register. We've never done this good."

"I'm so glad I found this job," gushed Wanda. "I can't imagine what I'd have done if you hadn't hired me."

"Hey, you got the job, and I'm getting all this new business," said Wayne. "Sounds like a Wayne-Wayne situation to me."

Wanda laughed.

"What's so funny?" asked Wayne, unaccustomed to anyone actually laughing at his jokes.

"You are," replied Wanda. "Your jokes, I mean."

"Thanks for clarifying that," said Wayne.

"Not a problem," said Wanda. "You're the best boss I've ever had. I really don't want to screw this up."

Wayne hired two boys named Jim and Rashon as baggers. Over the next several weeks, business picked up so much that he had to hire an additional bagger and promote both Wanda and Rashon to cashier.

One day, during a lull in the action, Wayne stopped for the first time in over two months to take a long look at Wanda. Even with her hair pinned up and wearing an apron, he couldn't deny how beautiful she was. Not only that, but he treasured those little moments between customers more than anything else in his life. It was then he realized that he felt something for her. Something entirely different from his stalker-crush on London Tipton, and from the lust he felt for the customers to which he made inappropriate advances.

Wayne realized that he was falling in love with Wanda. It made his heart sink, for he couldn't imagine a woman as incredible as her ever falling for a guy like him. Still, he had to try. And he wasn't thinking of one of his cheesy pickup lines. No, he had to make a chivalrous and sincere effort at letting Wanda know how he felt.

"Wanda," said Wayne one evening as they were closing up. "Listen, I know I gave you tomorrow night off..."

"Wayne," interrupted Wanda. "If you need me to work, just say so. I really don't mind."

"No, no," continued Wayne. "I want you to enjoy your night off. In fact, I'm taking the night off, too. I have a couple of tickets to an oldies dance, and I'm not sure how appropriate this is, being your boss, but I was wondering if you'd like to go with me."

Wanda frowned. "That dance is at the Tipton, Wayne. I'm not allowed in there anymore."

"Oh, don't worry about that," assured Wayne. "Esteban, the new manager, is very understanding. I already asked him about it."

"Well, in that case," said Wanda, stopping to think about it. "Sure, why not?"

Wayne didn't know where Wanda lived, and didn't feel ready to ask for that information just yet.

"So I'll meet you there, about seven?"

"Sounds good," confirmed Wanda as she left. "Good night, Wayne."

"Good night, Wanda."

As soon as Wanda left, Wayne jumped about three feet off the floor.

"Yes!" he exclaimed before doing his "Wayne Train" dance. "Chug-a chug-a chug-a chug-a choo choo choo..."

The following evening, Wanda arrived in the Tipton lobby, clad in a kitten skirt and matching top, where Wayne awaited her, clad in his usual jacket and tie.

"Wow!" marveled Wayne. "You look amazing!"

"Thanks," accepted Wanda. "It belonged to my grandmother. You look nice, too."

"You don't have to say that," dismissed Wayne. "It's the only jacket I own."

"You got dressed up," encouraged Wanda. "That's what counts."

Wayne smiled as he offered his date an arm. "Shall we?"

Wayne and Wanda had the time of their lives as they danced the night away to classics by greats such as Chuck Berry, Elvis Presley, Chubby Checker, and Johnny Cash. Finally, a slow song came on, and Wayne hesitated to put his arms around Wanda before she decided to draw him in herself.

"I'm having a really good time," said Wanda.

"I'm glad," said Wayne.

"Probably the best time I've had since I broke up with Lance," added Wanda.

"Fish-boy?" reacted Wayne, obviously uncomfortable hearing about his date's ex-boyfriend.

Wanda sighed. "Yeah. I thought he and I had something. Then I saw the way he looked at London, and I just didn't think I could ever trust him again."

"And what about me?" asked Wayne.

"You're just the opposite," answered Wanda. "To be honest, I'd heard all kinds of stories about you, and I was really desperate when I applied for the job."

Wayne snorted. "My reputation precedes me."

"But they were all wrong," continued Wanda. "Wayne, you're a wonderful guy, and I'm glad I stuck around to find that out."

Wayne smiled. "Wonderful enough to let me kiss you?"

Wayne didn't wait for an answer, but plunged forward and pressed his lips to hers. After the initial shock, Wanda began to kiss him back. Both felt the overwhelming urge to deepen the kiss, but were painfully aware of the number of people watching them.

"I think I should take you home," suggested Wayne.

"That's a good idea," agreed Wanda.

The two of them took several minutes to get up the steps to Wanda's apartment, stopping at random intervals to attack each other's lips.

"This is my place," announced Wanda as Wayne pushed her up against the door.

Wayne stopped for a moment. "Then I guess it's time to say goodnight."

Wanda grinned devilishly. "Not while my aunt's out of town visiting my grandma, it isn't."

After that night, Wayne and Wanda continued to see each other whenever they had time. At work, they kept things as professional as possible, but everyone could tell from the way they looked at each other that something was going on between them.

"What are you doing here with me?" asked Wayne one day as he and Wanda went for lunch at a deli around the corner.

"You asked me to lunch, silly," giggled Wanda.

"No, I mean, why are you still at Paul Revere," clarified Wayne. "I mean, I'm probably going to be in the grocery business for the rest of my life. And I'm okay with that. But you? You were meant for so much more."

"Did you ever stop to think maybe I like it here?" Wanda asked rhetorically.

"Really?" responded Wayne.

"Yes," answered Wanda. "I had no idea what I wanted to do when I was going to college. But since I've started working at Paul Revere, I've realized that doing a hard day's work and helping customers makes me feel good about myself."

"I'm glad," said Wayne. "I'd hate to think you were staying just because of me."

Wanda placed her hand on his face. "Even if that were true, is that really such a bad reason to stay?"

When they returned from lunch, Wayne found an e-mail awaiting him.

"Wanda, you've gotta come see this!" called Wayne after reading the message.

"What is it?" asked Wanda as she came running in.

"The owner wants to expand the business," announced Wayne. "He wants to move the store into a larger property. He's going to fire his son and oversee the project personally. He says he's going to need two assistant managers."

"Does that mean..." began Wanda.

"Yep," confirmed Wayne. "You're getting a promotion, and we're both getting a raise."

"Oh Wayne, that is so awesome," cried Wanda as she threw her arms around Wayne and kissed him.

"Whoa, babe!" cautioned Wayne. "Not at work."

"Right, sorry," apologized Wanda, wiping her hands on her pants as she brought them back to her sides.

Wayne never found out if that lottery ticket he'd sold that woman the day he'd met Wanda had paid off. He assumed not. It didn't matter anyway, because Wayne knew he was the real winner. Having spent most of his life covering his insecurities with false pride, he now felt a genuine sense of accomplishment, and had a successful career ahead of him, and a bright future with the woman of his dreams.

What precisely the future held for them is another story. Suffice to say, the Wayne Train was tracking at full speed.

The End


My assigned pairing was Wayne and Wanda.

Wayne appeared in two episodes as the assistant manager of the Paul Revere mini-mart, and Cody (and later Zack's) boss. He had an extremely creepy crush on London Tipton that Cody attempted to exploit to get a job at Paul Revere.

Wanda was a hostess at the Halibut Hangout (presumably a restaurant), who dressed as a mermaid, for whom Lance (the lifeguard) dumped London. She and London slugged it out (so to speak) when London tried one of her ill-conceived schemes to win Lance back.

Thanks for reading!