Chapter 10:Abstract objectives
Any copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.
Guess what? I've started playing some of my old PS2 games without using a codebreaker. In case you don't know, a codebreaker is a cheat code device that gives you shit like invincibility and unlimited ammo. Recently, I've gotten through Red Faction 2, The suffering, and Freedom Fighters, a game I refused to play until I got the cheat codes to work. I easily got through these games because I was already familiar with the controls when I played them with cheat codes. You know something? The codebreaker is kinda like a diaper. You wear it for awhile to get used to things, then ditch it when you don't need it anymore. Unless your like me and like to draw pictures of diapered Digimon. Whoa, I hope no one burns me for that. Oh well, on to the story!
The Rapture Metro Bathysphere rose into the dock of Fort Frolic. The hatch on it opened, revealing the guys, dancing. Jack was playing "Awake and Alive" by Skillet on his radio. Roach had a black eye and a bruised face.
"Boyo, Boyo, BOYO!" Atlas yelled over the radio.
"WHAT?" Jack yelled back.
"Will you turn that damn music off?" Atlas asked.
"What?" Jack asked.
"I said, will you turn the damn music-" Atlas started.
"What?" Jack asked.
"TURN THE FUCKING MUSIC OFF!" Atlas yelled.
Jack switched off his music.
"What's your deal?" Jack asked.
"I just wanted to warn you to watch out for some psycho named Sander Cohen. The other splicers look like clowns compared to him boyo." Atlas said.
"Are you kidding? Clowns are way worse than psychos! Have you ever seen The Brave little toaster?" Jack asked.
"Aggghhhh! Don't even go there boyo! I still have nightmares about that thing!" Atlas said.
"When the hell did you see it?" Jack asked.
"The batteries for my TV's remote died right as I stopped on it on the Disney channel. But that's besides the point. Cohen's a real sick fucktard. Avoid him if you can." Atlas said.
"I can't make that promise." Jack said in a low voice.
"Whatever, boyo. Just get to the rapture metro." Atlas said.
"But we are at the Rapture Metro." Jack said.
"Yes, but theres another one just ahead of you that will take you to Hephaestus, boyo." Atlas said.
"Why can't this one take us to Hephaestus?" Jack asked.
"Again with the bloody questions!" Atlas whined.
"But if I don't ask questions, I won't learn anything." Jack said.
"What do you think this is? Summoner? This ain't no fucking RPG! Now get to the metro!" Atlas yelled.
"Okay, Okay. No need to go on a drunken rampage." Jack said.
"And stop it with the Irish stereotypes!" Atlas said.
"That is something I cannot do." Jack said.
Jack and his boys left the metro chamber. The entered a room with a checkered floor, a fortune teller machine on the right, several slot machines on the left, 2 alcoves further up that held a gene bank, U-invent, and health station, and a bulkhead directly across from them.
"Slot machines! I love these things!" Roach said.
Roach went up to one and reached in his pockets.
"You guys have a dime?" He asked.
"Sorry, I have better things to do with my money." Jack said.
"Does E99 tech count?" Renko asked.
"Worth a shot." Roach said.
Renko handed Roach a tiny silver disk with an orange light in the middle. Roach tried to fit it into the coin slot on the machine.
"Stupid machine. Why can't it accept foreign currency?" Roach complained.
"Here, let me try and flatten it." Renko said.
Renko took the disk back and dropped it on the floor. He stomped hard on it and rubbed it along the floor. He picked it up and handed it to Roach again. It still wouldn't fit. Jack lit a cigarette while leaning on the wall.
"I know! I'll reshape it into the right size!" Roach said.
Roach set the disk on the ground and used Jack's incinerate plasmid to heat it up. The he used the grip of his pistol to bang on it until it became flat. Knowing it was finished, he tried to pick it up, only burning his hand. Renko used his TMD to speed up the cooling process so Roach could pick it up. Roach was then able to insert it into the slot.
"Like your gonna win anything." Jack said.
Roach pulled the handle on the machine and it got triple 7s. Jack's jaw almost dropped. Roach held up the 100 dollar bills he got.
"I'm rich! I'm rich!" Roach said.
"Say, you mind if I have some of that?" Jack asked.
"Ohhh no! Your not getting any of my dough!" Roach said.
Roach turned around, which was the perfect opportunity for Jack to whack him over the head with his wrench and take the money, which is exactly what he did. After doing so, Roach got up off the floor.
"Hey? Wheres my money?" Roach asked.
"What money?" Jack asked.
"Damn! It was just a dream!" Roach cursed.
Jack went up to the fortune teller machine, which had a swami in it.
"This better not be a rip off." He said.
Jack put a dollar in the slot.
"Thou who helps thou is not who thou thinks." It said.
"What the fuck does that mean?" Jack cursed.
"Don't listen to him Boyo! He's lying!" Atlas said.
"I don't even understand it!" Jack said.
"Ohhh...Sorry, boyo. Just didn't want ya to get the wrong idea." Atlas said.
"Of what?" Jack asked.
"(crinkle) Your breaking up boyo! (crinkle) I'll call you later." Atlas said.
"The reception in this city is worse than T-mobile." Jack said.
Jack put another dollar into the machine.
"Thou shalt see both outcomes in extras section." The machine said.
"Alright, I've had it!" Jack yelled.
Jack bashed the swami on the head with his wrench. It's eye popped out. He bashed it again and crushed it's head. Bashing it over and over again, the swami was completely unrecognizable. Jack shoved the machine over, where all it's parts spilled out on the floor.
"If this were Metal Arms, that would be a gory scene." Renko said.
Meanwhile, in Poseidon plaza...
A vita chamber in the corner of the plaza lit up. 3 figures appeared inside, jammed ridiculously close together. The Chamber's doors opened, and the figures spilled out onto the floor like a dead body falling out of a locker. They were none other than the 3 splicers, Blotch, Floogal, and Pickle.
"Ohhh, my head hurts..." Floogal said.
"What just happened?" Pickle asked.
"I can't remember. All I know is we were trying to get some guns." Blotch said.
"It don't look like we're in Kansas no more." Pickle said.
"But we never were in Kansas." Floogal said.
Blotch slapped Floogal across the face.
"That was a figure of speech, numbskull! He means we're not in Arcadia anymore!" Blotch yelled.
"I recognize this place. I came here for me Christmas holiday. It's Fort Frolic." Pickle said.
"OH NO!" Floogal squealed.
"What are you squealing like a piggy for?" Pickle asked.
"This is where we got killed by that new big daddy!" Floogal said.
"A new big daddy? I thought they wouldn't make any of those until Bioshock 2." Pickle said.
"He's right. There was this strange new Big daddy. Skinniest one we've ever seen. We couldn't put a dent in him with our weapons. And hes quicker than light." Blotch said.
"Ha! No abomination can withstand my magic!" Pickle bragged.
"Lets hope he ain't magic-proof. First, we still got to get some weapons." Blotch said.
"Hey! Lookee here!" Floogal said.
The other two looked at where Floogal was pointing at and saw a sign.
"Pharaoh's fortune? There ain't no Mummies around here." Pickle said.
"It's just a name! And Fortune happens to mean money!" Blotch said.
The boys walked inside the front door. There were at least 12 slot machines on the first floor alone. To the right was the counter and a register.
"Crikey! We can win some more money with these contraptions!" Floogal said.
"But we ain't got any money to bet." Pickle said.
"Oh yes we do." Blotch said.
Blotch leaped over to the other side of the counter and searched the register. He found some money in it.
"15 dollars. Thats 5 each. Both of you, get on those machines and start gambling. If ye hit a Jackpot, share 50 bucks with us." Blotch said, handing them money.
Back in the entrance...
Jack used some leftover Enzyme samples to make and equip the Bloodlust tonic at the nearby U-invent.
"I need to test this out." He said.
"But we don't have any mice." Roach said.
Jack swatted Roach in the face with his wrench and was satisfied to see that his health regenerated a little.
"I don't know how they do it, but It's cool." Jack said.
"I can't believe the exit's right there. This is the shortest level in the game." Renko said.
"I doubt it will be as easy as that. It's DOQ." Jack said.
"Whats that stand for?" Roach asked.
"Drawn out Quests. They use it all the time to prolong the game and milk as much fun as possible. Trust me, that door ain't budging." Jack said.
Renko leaned on the door and fell into the metro as it opened.
"Hey look! The doors unlocked!" Roach said.
"I still think it's a fraud. The sphere might require maintenance or the power is out." Jack said.
"Woo Hoo! Lets ride the underwater elevator out of here!" Renko said happily.
Renko sprinted towards the Bathysphere and leaped to it, and slammed right into it's glass door right after it closed. He fell back on the floor as Jack and Roach watched the Sphere submerge without them.
"SEE! I told you!" Jack hissed.
"Well. Look at the little moths that flew into my bug lantern." Some weird gay guy said over the radio.
"Egghhh. Who the hell is that?" Roach asked.
"That must be Cohen boyo. Watch yourself." Atlas said.
Seeing that there was nothing else to do in the metro (Besides drowning themselves in the pit), the team went back into the lobby. First off, the whole place was dark, second, there were at least 15 trip wires in front of them and to their left.
"This is a pickle." Roach said.
"Not really." Renko said.
Renko fired an Orange shockwave out from his TMD, which blew the tripwires off their anchors. Then the boys heard some bizarre giggling.
"AAAHHH! It's a Jockey!" Roach squealed.
Jack's eye spotted movement on the ceiling. Using his electro bolt, he zapped the area where it was present. A spider splicer fell to the ground having seizures. Jack walked over to it and bashed the shit out of it with his wrench until it was a mushy mess. A scythe flew out of the darkness and wedged itself into Roach's arm. He groaned like a whiny little bitch.
Another spider splicer dropped down from the ceiling. Renko tried to shoot it with his Centurion, but the splicer did a bunch of flips and other acrobatic shit until he was out of ammo. Then it jumped at Jack, with one of it's scythes raised. Fortunately, Jack equipped his Winter blast plasmid at the gene bank and shot some Icicles at it. It froze in mid air and shattered upon hitting the floor.
Yet another spider splicer jumped down from the ceiling. It swung it's scythe overhead at Jack, who blocked it with his Wrench. Jack grabbed it between the legs and by the neck and lifted it above his head. He threw it at one of the slot machines, which fell right onto it's head after hitting the floor, smashing it. It made a ringing sound and money poured out of it.
"How rude of me to leave you in the cold. Please, come in." Cohen said.
"I'm afraid you'll have to play his little game Boyo. He's the only one who can bring back the bathysphere." Atlas said.
"Yippee." Jack said Sarcastically.
The shutter doors to the left of the Bathysphere station opened. Roach hid behind Jack, grasping his shoulders like that annoying blonde chick from Resident Evil 4. The guys cautiously walked up the steps in front of them and entered a small area that had some more closed shutter doors in front of them. The doors they just walked through slammed shut behind them. As they turned around to see, the doors in front of them opened. They strolled out through them.
The guys found themselves in a massive Atrium. A massive staircase lead to the upper floor, and several doorways awaited on the floor they were on. What was really weird was the massive stage that held 4 stone figures in strange positions holding empty frames.
"To help you enjoy your stay, I've blocked the frequencies of that rude Atlas and Andrew Ryan, so you can focus all your attention on my works!" Cohen said.
"Thank god, I thought I'd never be rid of him." Jack muttered.
"Come to the fleet hall theater when you are ready to see my latest performance." Cohen continued.
Before they did, however, they looked around the first floor first. To the right of the staircase was 2 glass cases with locks on them. One held a statue of a lady with a blue tonic while the other held another lady.
"Who needs a corpse when you could make out with one of these statues? If only we could get them open." Roach said.
"No sweat." Jack said.
Jack whacked one of the glass cases with his wrench several times, only scratching the surface.
"What the hell?" Jack said.
Jack pulled out his Machine gun and emptied 20 rounds into the case, which also only scratched it.
"Hmph, it's bullet proof." He said.
Renko pointed his TMD at the case and held that position for an hour.
"Well?" Jack asked.
"Sorry, it must be Time proof too." Renko said.
"Oh well. Maybe we'll find some other way to open them." Jack said.
They went behind the staircase and found a Circus of Values Machine that was under a Security camera. Jack took a couple research photos and maxed out his research category. Then he climbed on top of the machine and hacked it. He climbed down and hacked the machine next. He bought some machine gun rounds and a grenade. He also bought some pep bars due to request by Roach.
After exploring the lower floor, the boys went up the massive staircase (Roach sang that stupid Wiggles song while doing so, Jack shoved him down once). Jack noticed something on the other side of the floor. He looped around and found a Gatherer's Garden with a Circus of Values and El ammo bandito. He purchased an additional Plasmid slot and bought Cyclone trap. There was also an Audio diary on the bandito.
"The nerve of some people! I was stood up again by Andrew Ryan! He dipped his Cigarette in my drink and splashed it all over my 20 dollar dress! That filthy pig! I'm going to break into his office and spray paint "Asshole" on his Wall! Hmph!" It said.
Seeing that they couldn't do anything funny on the second floor, they went to the Fleet Hall theater. The walls and floors were lined with Red carpeting. Around the corner looked like a battlezone. There were destroyed security bots all over the place, littering the snack bar and bullet shells lined the floor. All the display cases were smashed and their contents gone. Jack grabbed the cash register and looked in it.
"Damn! Someone got here before us." He said.
Renko picked up one of the bullet shells and stared hard at it. He moved his tongue across it's surface and slipped it inside of it.
"This wasn't shot by any trick or treater." He said.
"Splicers." Jack corrected.
"Whatever. This bullet is far too modern to be used in any of their guns." Renko said.
"Who cares? It's just a bullet." Jack said.
"Just a bullet! It isn't just a bullet! It's a piece of cylindrical metal!" Renko said.
"Whatever, lets blow." Jack said.
In front of the snack bar was a glass door. To the left was an Elevator and to the right was a staircase. Jack walked up to the glass door and put his hand on it.
"This thing ain't budging." Jack said.
"I'll break it down!" Roach said.
"That ain't going to work." Jack said.
But it was too late, Roach already ran towards the door and slammed his shoulder into it and fell back on the floor from the impact.
"Looks like we're taking the elevator." Renko said.
"Not so fast, I think we should check the stairs first." Jack said.
"Why?" Renko asked.
"Because there might be some items that we'll miss if we take the elevator first. Haven't you played Ratchet and Clank?" Jack asked.
"Oh...Right." Renko said.
The boys went into the staircase's room and found a gene bank on the wall. Roach procured a crowbar from out of nowhere and jammed it into the gene bank's slot.
"Let me guess. Your trying to rob the gene bank." Jack guessed.
"Yeah, I'm sure we're not the only ones who use them." Roach said.
"I've never seen anyone else use them." Jack said.
"Then why are they all over the place? It can't just be for us!" Roach questioned.
"Just some more video game logic that doesn't make sense." Jack said.
Roach broke his crowbar trying to open the gene bank. He tossed the other half away and followed the others upstairs (and, you guessed it, sang the stairs song). Upstairs, they found some kind of storage room. It contained a couple of shelves and a U-invent. To the right was a small room that over looked the theater. It had a gate in front of it. Jack grabbed it and tried to move it out of the way.
"Can an Artist not prepare before unveiling his latest creation? Rubbish!" A voice said from inside the room.
"Cohen? That you?" Jack asked.
"Yes, the one and only Sander Fucking Cohen!" Cohen shouted.
"Why'd you call us here?" Jack asked, sticking his head through the bars.
"I want you to go into the theater to witness something remarkable." Cohen said.
"The doors locked." Jack said.
"The elevator! Take the fucking elevator!" Cohen said.
"Oh, okay." Jack said.
Jack pulled his head out of the bars. He turned around and found an Audio diary on the shelf.
"The parasite. He dares insult my music! All he knows about music is how to sell it! Does he not know that music must be polished like a gun? Created like a story? Diapered like a baby? And enforced like a riot squad? NO! He is a mere rat, living in the castle dungeon, chewing through ropes and kidnapping princesses. I am like the brave little mouse whom fights him with a simple needle like a sword. And do not even think of the movie they made for it, it was a monstrosity!" It said.
"You didn't touch my diary, did you?" Cohen asked.
"No." Jack lied.
"Good, a man's secrets are like his Prescription drugs. They are only for himself." Cohen said.
Jack turned around and saw Roach playing the guitar that was laying on the floor.
"Hey there shaky shaky. Shaking is fun to do. Hey there shaky shaky. I want to shake with you." Roach sang (Which was another retarded song from The Wiggles).
Jack grabbed Roach's guitar and smashed it over his head. They went back downstairs and came in front of the elevator.
"That is one tiny elevator. That midget Machinist guy from Timesplitters 2 wouldn't even fit in that." Renko pointed out.
"The logical thing to do is to send one team mate in at a time. If the elevator holds out at least." Roach suggested.
"I have a better idea, it'll net us more laughs." Jack said.
Jack grabbed Renko and Roach by their collars and shoved them into the elevator. Then, he forced himself inside of it, squishing them all together. (Not literally you fucktard). The door to the elevator closed.
"Someone press the button." Jack said.
"I'm not on the same side as the button." Renko said.
"Roach, are you?" Jack asked.
"I think I can reach it from here." Roach said.
Roach moved his hand and reached for what he thought was the button. In reality, it was Jack's face. He stuck his index finger in Jack's ear and pressed on it like it was a button. Then he pressed it up Jack's nose. Then he pressed on Jack's eye.
"It's not working! It must be out of order." Roach said.
Jack bit Roach's index finger, whom screamed and pulled it back. Jack grabbed Roach's head and moved it out of the way. He saw the button behind it. He reached for it, but his arm was too small. Then he equipped his wrench and stuck it at the button, pressing it. The elevator ascended and stopped a second later. The door opened and the guys fell out. They were now in some kind of hallway. Piano music could be heard from behind the far wall.
"This can't be the employee's hall, it's too fancy." Renko said.
"This must be where they keep the popcorn!" Roach squealed happily.
Roach ran though a nearby door and almost fell over the railing of a balcony.
"Balcony? I thought this theater was too bankrupt to afford balconies, with all the fancy carpeting and all." Roach said.
Jack and Renko came out on the balcony as well. There was a man on stage, playing a piano that was strapped with 6 pounds of dynamite!
"Hey, lets make fun of him like on the Smoking gun." Jack suggested.
"That was horrible kyle! Do it again!" Cohen said from his booth.
"You'd be laughed off the stage by Bugs Bunny!" Renko taunted.
"Whenever you play that thing, a composer dies!" Roach taunted.
"DaDaDa Da Da DaDaDa Da Da, No! Wrong!" Cohen said.
"You play like a drug addict on a guitar!" Jack taunted.
"Will you assholes shut the hell up!" Kyle demanded.
Suddenly, a rocket flew out of nowhere and hit the piano. It made a huge explosion and hurled Kyle's corpse right into the balcony the guys were sitting in. A man in a silver suit with black coils and red visor jumped on stage with a Rocket launcher.
"Now thats what I call entertainment!" He yelled.
"Who the hell is that?" Roach asked.
Without warning, the guy in the suit appeared right behind Roach.
"The name's Alcatraz, U.S Marines." He said.
Roach shrieked and jumped into Jack's arms, who then dropped him.
"U.S? Alright! I not the only one left after all!" Renko said.
"Sweet! Another American to kill stuff with! What about you turkeys? You U.S?" Alcatraz asked.
"Yep." Jack said.
"Hell no! I'm British." Roach said.
"Pfffftttt. What unit you part of? Task Force 141?" Alcatraz taunted.
"Why does everyone pick on the Task force?" Roach asked.
"Because they're a bunch of pussies." Alcatraz said.
"Are not!" Roach said.
"AAHH! A mouse!" Alcatraz yelled.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHERE!" Roach squealed.
"HA Ha Ah Ha! I told you!" Alcatraz said.
"Would you please take a picture of that vermin's corpse?" Cohen asked.
"Oh, sure, I guess." Jack said.
Jack snapped a photo of the dead guy who was laying on the railing.
"Now place it on my wonderful masterpiece!" Cohen said.
Before Jack and the guys left, Jack spotted a tonic sitting on the railing of a far balcony. He went back in the hallway and found the door leading to that balcony blocked by a gate. He stuck his hand through it, trying to press the button to open it, but he couldn't.
"I guess I'll have to jump over there." He said.
"Jumping is my specialty." Alcatraz said.
Alcatraz bent his legs and propelled himself upwards at high speed, right into the ceiling in the hallway.
"You don't need super jumps to leap 5 inch gaps." Jack said.
Jack went back out to the balcony and simply stepped over to the next balcony. The he stepped to the next and next and next until he reached the tonic. It was Alarm expert. A spotlight shone on Jack and confetti fell from the ceiling.
"What an excellent display of athleticism." Cohen said.
"Athlete what?" Jack asked.
A houdini splice appeared on the balcony across from the one Jack was one. It threw a fireball at Jack, whom easily caught it with Telekinesis. He hurled it back at it, and it vanished before it hit. The splicer reappeared on the catwalk above the theater. Roach and Renko rushed out to the balcony and opened fire with their pistols. The splicer threw a fire ball at them, but Renko reflected it with his TMD's shockwave.
Before the splicer vanished, Jack saw the rail where the wires that held the catwalk up were. He shot some pistol bullets at them and the left side of the catwalk fell limp and the splicer slid off. He fell to the stage, seemingly unharmed. But then Jack shot the other rail and the splicer looked up just in time to see the catwalk smash him through the floor.
"My stage! My beautiful stage!" Cohen cried.
"Oh relax, this place was probably condemned anyway." Jack said.
Jack reentered the hallway through the balcony he was in. He opened the gate and rejoined his mates.
"What does your masterpiece look like?" Jack asked.
"It is in the atrium, several clay figures holding frames." Cohen said.
"You mean that awful retarded -" Roach started before Jack clamped his hand over his mouth.
"Stuff it, Army boy. He's our only ticket out of here." Jack said.
Jack and his brothers started heading back to the atrium. Alcatraz finally pushed his head free from the ceiling.
"Hey wait up!" He yelled at the guys.
The boys had already gotten on the elevator and descended. Alcatraz ran out on to one of the balconies and jumped down to the first floor. He turned around and ran up to the glass door. He grabbed the bottom of it and lifted it open. He entered the snack bar, meeting up with the guys. They all went back to the Atrium, where Jack taped the photo of Kyle to one of the Frames on Cohen's masterpiece.
"Well done! Only 3 more pieces of art remain! If you succeed I will grant you access to the steed who will take you to you destination. Take this to help you." Cohen said.
A panel on the floor by the masterpiece opened up. A small pedestal rose out of it, holding a crossbow made out of common materials.
"Sweet. I've always wanted a crossbow!" Roach said, reaching for it.
"It ain't for you, fucktard." Jack said, shoving him out of the way.
Jack seized the crossbow. The pedestal retracted back into the floor.
"Cool. I can really cause pain with this badass." He said.
Jack accidentally pulled the trigger and shot a bolt that hit a Russian soldier from Call of Duty Black ops in the neck and fell over the second floor's railing and hit the ground hard.
"Whoops." Jack said.
"Next, I need you to find Martin Finnegan. He urinated on my script for a remake of Call of Cthulhu. That fool! He can be found in the frozen tunnel." Cohen said.
"Thanks, that would be real helpful, if we knew were there was a frozen tunnel!" Renko said.
"Chillax man. We have the magic arrow at the top of the screen." Jack said, pointing to the waypoint indicator.
The boys went back upstairs and went north. They saw a bulkhead leading to a different area. But before going through it, they decided to check out Cohen's collection. Inside, all the walls and floors were covered by ash or some other gray crap. Up some stairs, there were 3 vaults lined up along the wall.
"My god, a volcano must have went off in here!" Roach said.
"This ain't ash, it's dust." Renko said, smudging it on his fingers.
"Why the hell would there be so much dust in here?" Roach asked.
"Be careful, if we move around too much, we might-" Renko started.
"Ground pound!" Alcatraz yelled.
"Wait!" Renko yelled.
Alcatraz jumped up and slammed his fists down on the floor. The dust flew up off the floor and swirled around like a violent wind storm. Coughing and sneezing could be heard for the next 5 minutes. When the dust finally settled, all the guys were covered with gray powder and were wheezing heavily.
"Damn it! I told you (Cough)!" Renko said.
"I haven't seen something like this since I was in Antarctica. I was surrounded by Eskimos armed only with a Tomahawk. The snow was so heavy, igloos flew overhead. Damn, I killed nearly 15 Eskimos before my Extraction chopper arrived." Roach recalled.
"I thought Eskimos lived in the Arctic." Alcatraz asked.
"Did I say Eskimos? I meant Emperor Penguins." Roach said.
Jack used Auto Hack tools on all the safes since he didn't feel like hacking manually. After claiming the booty, a Houdini splicer appeared on the second floor with him. Wanting to try out his new weapon, Jack fired a bolt at the splicer, which hit him right in the groin. Being the most painful thing on earth, the splicer fell to the ground.
"What the hell? Why did you have to shoot me there!" The splicer groaned.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Here, I'll make it less painful." Jack said.
Jack cocked his Crossbow and shot another bolt into the splicer's ass. He screamed in pain.
"There, now it's not as painful in your groin." He said.
"It still hurts you ass!" The splicer groaned.
"Lets hope this won't hurt." Jack said.
Jack shot one last bolt into the splicer's head, killing him.
"You probably just made that up." Alcatraz said.
"Oh yeah? Then how do you explain these!" Roach asked, pulling out a string that had 17 penguin beaks on it.
"Alright lards, It's Time to split!" Jack said.
The dudes left the art gallery and returned to the Bulkhead. As they approached it, it opened, revealing that the entire glass tube was covered in ice.
"Damn, it looks like That Ice dragon from legend of spyro threw up all over the place." Jack said.
"Not to worry! I'll use my Rod of the seasons to melt the ice!" Roach said, pulling out a rod with an orb on the end.
Roach swung it forward and held it there, expecting something to happen, which did not happen. Jack snatched it from Roach.
"Where the hell did you get this?" He asked.
"I looted it off that little leprechaun guy." Roach said.
"Ewww, it probably has semen all over it." Jack said.
Jack smashed it over Roach's head. Alcatraz laughed uncontrollably. Jack saw what he could barely make out as an Audio diary on the wall, which was also cover in ice. He used his Chemical Thrower to melt it off and picked it up.
"Every thing must get cold, very very cold. I've grown very accustomed to it after I pissed on that gay guy's script. I suddenly found myself attracted to The Snow Queen. Yeah, I'd tear that shit up... I turned down the thermostat all the way and removed the knob so no one else can adjust it. The only downside is that I can't watch TV anymore, too much Ice in front of it. I froze all these people who wandered in here and placed them in various poses. Whenever I get really bored, I make out with them. My junk tends to get stuck to the ice though, I had to chisel it off. So thats who I am baby, the Iceman. No, not the gay one from the X-men, the real Iceman." It said.
"God damn, it's freezing in here! How the hell can he do this without a permit?" Renko asked.
"This tunnel reminds me of one of those ice slides you see in all sorts of Video games." Alcatraz said.
Everyone was knocked down by Roach, who was using the floor as a slide and everyone else slid into the next room with him.
"That was fun! Let's do it again!" He squealed.
Jack picked up a nearby chair and smashed it over Roach's head.
"Stuff it Pingu. Let's kill this fucker and get out of here. My balls retracted." Jack said.
Jack looked around, there were several frozen splicers. The room looked like some kind of lobby. There was a health station on the far wall.
"Alright, where is this turkey?" Jack asked himself.
Jack turned around and shrieked when he saw Renko, who was now frozen in a shell of ice. He turned to the right and Shrieked again when he saw Alcatraz, who was also frozen. He turned to the left and did not shriek when he saw Roach, who was also frozen and had his finger up his nose. Jack looked at his hands and saw icicles growing on them. He screamed, which was soon muffled by the shell of ice that grew around him. A splicer in a bird mask suddenly appeared out of a puff of mist in front of Jack.
"A newcomer eh? You look different from all the others. I wish the snow queen would come in here some time, I'd love to rape that hot ass. Oh well, I made out with the sculpture I made of her a dozen times. I gotta special pose all picked out for you." He said in a low, raspy voice.
He disappeared in another puff of mist. Jack managed to break free of the ice shell. He was pissed at the weird fagg. He pulled out his wrench and whacked at Roach's ice shell until it shattered. He did the same thing with Renko and Alcatraz. Roach quickly pulled his finger out of his nose.
"That weird Martin guy is hiding somewhere." Jack said.
"No Sweat. My Nano vision will find him." Alcatraz said.
Alcatraz activated his Nano Vision, which made all living matter glow infrared.
"Hmmmm, all them frozen mask freaks are alive." He said.
"That sneaky bastard must be pretending to be one of them." Jack said.
"Sometimes, I pretend to be a foot stool." Roach said stupidly.
"Just for that, your the one whos gonna choose which one of these things we thaw first." Jack said.
"Alright. I choose, that one!" Roach said as he shot at a frozen splicer with a bunny mask.
The splicer broke free and tackled Roach to the ground. Roach's gun slid away from him. The splicer strangled Roach with both hands. His face turned purple. Roach spotted a Fireplace poker laying on the floor. Why that was there was anyone's guess, but Roach reached for it with his left arm. He grabbed it's handle and began savagely poking the Splicer's sides with it. The others just stood and watched Roach wrestle with the splicer.
After seeing how worthless the poker was, Roach threw it away (hitting Renko in the face) and grabbed the splicer's mask. He pulled it off, revealing the splicer's hideously deformed face and shoved it into the splicer's mouth. The splicer finally released Roach's neck and tried to get the mask out, which was choking him. Roach threw the splicer off him and sat on top of him, strangling him. The mask was forced down into the splicer's throat, leaving a huge bulge in it. The splicer gagged repeatedly, and his head was being shook around violently as Roach crushed his throat. Soon it died, bringing this 2 paragraph battle to an end.
"There, hes dead." Roach said.
"That's not him, he wears a bird mask." Jack said.
"I wish you told me that before I made my choice." Roach groaned.
Jack took aim at one of the figures with his Chemical Thrower. He shot a short stream of fire at the one wearing a bird mask. It shattered it's ice shell and burst into flames, flailing it's arms like Godzilla. It threw a couple Ice shards at Jack, who dodged to the side and let them hit and Freeze Roach instead. Terrified, it tried to run away, but Alcatraz sped up to him and punched him into the wall. As Martin fell to the floor, the others ganged up on him and stomped him violently to death, spraying blood on the other ice figures. Jack snapped a photograph to signify his victory. He also looted his corpse for a Frozen field tonic.
"Excellent! Place the picture on my beautiful masterpiece!" Cohen said over the radio.
Jack shattered Roach's ice shell again with his wrench. Before they could leave however...
"My ongue is uck!" Roach muttered.
Jack turned around to see Roach, with his tongue stuck to some frozen blood on the wall. Jack went over to Roach and blew his tongue off with his pistol. Seconds later, a new one grew in it's place.
"What the fuck were you thinking?" Jack asked.
"I saw some cherry syrup on the wall, so I decided to lick it off." Roach said.
"That is blood." Jack said.
"Hmmmm. Yes it is." Roach said.
Jack groaned and dragged Roach back to the Atrium. He placed the photo of dead Martin on one of the frames.
"Splendid! It looks more beautiful as it becomes more complete! Take this as a token of my graditude!" Cohen said.
A gift wrap box rose out of the floor. Jack ripped it open and found some Anti personnel rounds, some med kits, and some money inside.
"Next, you must find Silas Cobb. He humiliated me in front of my fellow art students by washing off my face paint." Cohen said.
Suddenly, Jack heard a familiar loud stomping noise. He looked to the upper floor and saw a Bouncer with a little sister.
"That guy looks familiar..." Alcatraz said.
"Who cares? We have to kill him!" Jack said.
Jack took some research photos of it, getting a damage increase and wrench Jockey 2.
"Why not persuade him to join us in our noble-" Roach started.
It was too late, Jack launched an RPG round at the Bouncer, exploding upon impact. It's yellow lights turned red and charged down the big stairs. It smashed through the guys like a bowling ball through pins, throwing them all over the place. Jack patched up his wounds with a med kit and shot another RPG round at the bouncer. The bouncer thrust it's drill at Jack, who was holding it back with his hands.
Renko rushed up to the big daddy and pointing his TMD at it. While he tried to unleash a shockwave at it, all it did was click.
"Damn, needs new batteries." He said.
"Hurry!" Jack said desperately.
Renko pulled an old battery out of his TMD and reached into his pocket. He pulled out another battery and dropped it on the floor. He bent over and picked it back up, taking his time.
"Hurry you fucktard!" Jack yelled.
Renko put the battery in his TMD and launched a shockwave at the bouncer, throwing it off Jack. As it got up, Roach approached it.
"I'm sorry for my friend's violent behavior. Would you like to become friends?" He asked, holding it some flowers.
The bouncer swatted the flowers away and stabbed Roach with it's drill. Alcatraz jumped on the back of the bouncer and covered it's visor with his hands. It let Roach fall to the ground and flailed it's arms crazily. Alcatraz jumped off it and grabbed it's drill arm. Using his suit's super strength, he ripped it off. He stuck his own left arm inside it and drilled the Bouncer right into the helmet. He pulled the drill out, covered in blood and discarded it.
Jack bandaged Roach up and grabbed the little sister. He rescued her and she ran off to the nearest vent.
"The sisters want to thank you. Look for their gift at the nearest Gatherer's garden." Tenenbaum said over the radio.
"Sweet! New shit to inject into my arm!" Jack said excited.
Jack ran up the big stair's and into the small room with the Gatherer's Garden. He swatted the little sister out of the way and tore open his present. It had 200 ADAM, some RPG rounds, and The Hypnotize big daddy 2 plasmid.
"What the fuck? This thing again? It better work this time!" Jack said, equipping it.
Jack saw that Incinerate 2 was available for purchase at The Gatherer's garden. But he needed Incinerate 1 to buy it.
"Roach, give me back my Incinerate Plasmid." Jack asked Roach impatiently.
"But I thought you said-" Roach started.
"I'm taking that back, you've barely used it." Jack said.
Roach threw a fireball at a nearby potted plant.
"There, now can I keep it?" He asked.
"No." Jack said impatiently.
Roach pouted as he extracted the plasmid out of his bloodstream with a hypo and gave it back to Jack. Jack injected it in place of his hypnotize big daddy plasmid. Then he purchased the upgrade.
"Why waste money on them machines when you can get it for free?" Alcatraz asked.
Alcatraz grabbed the Gatherer's garden machine and tried to tear it's front cover off. He grunted as he pulled back on it hard. After nearly an hour, he gave up and noticed a label on the side.
"Fireproof, Bulletproof, tool proof, and Nano proof." He read, surprised. "Aww screw this, I'm heading to the bar."
"Theres a Bar!" Roach, Jack, and Renko asked simultaneously.
"Yeah, the cocktail lounge or something." Alcatraz said.
"Lead us to it!" Jack demanded.
"Stop little moths! You still have to kill Cobb!" Cohen said.
"Cobb ain't going nowhere, lets get drunk." Jack said.
Alcatraz lead the gang underneath the stair case and to where Jack hacked the circus of values machine earlier. The bar was part of a small shopping mall, along with a salon, and Tobacco shop. Jack was thrilled there was a Tobacco shop too and Roach was excited that there was a Salon, which everyone else was bewildered by. Anyway, Jack and the gang downed a couple beers, and Jack did his usual raiding of the cash register (He had over 7000 dollars by now). He also found a safe under the counter, which he hacked.
"I'm the greatest frigging spec op the U.S has." Renko said, drunk.
"I got more straight d's than you can imagine." Alcatraz said, also drunk. (He had to take off his helmet, showing that he is white with shaved brown hair).
"But I like pulling on it mom." Roach said, also drunk.
Jack located an Audio diary on one of the tables.
"The bats in Fort Frolic are all google heads! They've constantly been killing each other just because they don't like each other's art. The only time I did that is because Jimmy Nickles called my finger painting of George Washington a blob in kindergarten. I choked him to death with the same finger paint I used to paint it. Anyway, this one murderer killed this guy by stabbing him with a feather pen and used his blood to write a symphony. Boy, even the pipe organ from that one Beauty and the Beast spin off wasn't as creative as that!" It said.
"Hey guys, this big fat guy murdered someone in Kindergarten!" Jack said to the other's, drunk.
After nearly 5 hours, the guys ran out of booze. Since there was nothing else to do there, they left to investigate the other shops, groaning.
"My head hurts." Roach whined.
"All our heads hurt. Now shut up!" Jack hissed.
Jack lead them to the Tobacco shop, hoping some cigarettes would cheer him up. Inside and around the corner, Jack's eyes lit up when he saw another power to the people machine. He decided to choose the grenade Launcher damage immunity upgrade. Renko, Roach and Alcatraz stumbled around the corner just in time to see Jack shoot a grenade at his feet and exploded, leaving him unscathed.
"Yeah! Fuck Yeah!" He yelled.
"Could you keep it down? My ears are ringing." Renko said.
Jack kicked Renko in the groin and almost slipped on another Audio diary on the floor.
"Come to the record shop in Poseidon Plaza! We got all sorts of crappy 40s songs to listen to! We have Jazz! Orchestra! Rock! And Blues! Each record only costs about 50 dollars so come on down and grab some! I'm Silas Cobb and I am desperately in need of money! So will you please just haul your cheap ass down here and buy something already! My rent is 2 years past due!" It said.
"Hmmm, thats probably where the fag is hiding. Oh well, now on to the cigarettes!" Jack said.
Jack went down a set of stairs and almost died when he turned on the lights.
"GUYS! GET DOWN HERE!" He yelled.
The others rushed down the steps to see what the yelling was about and saw that all the shelves were filled with Smuggled Cuban cigars.
"Snatch and grab boys!" Jack yelled.
The guys grabbed boxes of Cigars and stuffed them into their pockets and bags. Alcatraz shoved them down his suit. Jack stuck several Cigars in his mouth and lit them with Incinerate. As he began smoking them, he saw another Audio diary on the floor.
"What the hell is this man? Those smugglers said they were gonna give me some good cigars. Instead, they give me a bunch of shit from Cuba. I mean seriously, those fuckers are communists! I ain't putting my lips on Anything communist! Then again, I did just once. They don't even taste good. They remind me of my mother's breast milk. She drank a lot when I was a brat. The milk tasted horrible. Damn, Thats why I took up smoking in the first place. To forget that damn taste. God, I shrivel up whenever I think about it." It said.
The others stuck several cigars in their mouths too. They all had Jack light them with Incinerate. The shelves were picked clean. As the boys started to leave, Roach wanted to stop by the salon.
"Why the fuck do you want to go to the salon!" Jack demanded.
"I want to make my Hair shiny." Roach said.
"Shiny? What are you? A Glo friend?" Jack taunted.
"There might be something for you in there." Roach said.
"Like what?" Jack asked.
"Magazines, money, Audio diaries, Hair coloring, scissors." Roach said.
"Alright, fine! We'll go to the fucking salon!" Jack said.
The guys went into Sophia's Salon, which was empty. Jack looted the cash register and looked around. Roach sat down at one of the styling desks and looked at all the hair products. Renko took a look at some of them too. Alcatraz grabbed a waxer and started shining his armor. Jack saw a door on a corner, so he went in and nearly screamed when he saw a frozen figure sitting at a desk. The whole room was covered in ice. The was an Audio diary on the frozen desk.
"I am a wild bunny, you can tell by my ears. If I were to take off my ears, I would no longer be a wild bunny. The one who made me wear these ears is a coyote because he wears dead brown fur. If he were to take off that brown fur, he would no longer be a coyote. Yet, should I take off my ears? For if I did, I would no longer be a wild bunny. And If I do, I can be something far more powerful. A human. Bunnies eat grass and reproduce rapidly. Humans eat bunnies and create art. Paintings, movies, video games, and namely poems, such as this one you've just heard. My ears are covered in blood. Whose blood is it? It's the critic of this poem, thats who." It said.
Jack threw the Audio diary to the ground and shot it several times with his pistol.
"That was the worst thing I've ever heard." He said.
He went back into the salon and was startled by Roach's blonde hair and Renko's mohawk.
"What the hell?" Jack asked.
"We got kinda carried away." Renko said.
"Hell yeah! Blonde's have more fun!" Roach said.
"I'm shinier than the Jetix logo." Alcatraz said.
"Okay...I'm gonna barf in this back room, then we're leaving." Jack said.
After getting some of the hundreds of Pep bars he consumed out of his system, Jack and the others left the southern mall and returned to the frozen area.
"Why the hell did we come back here? This cold air is bad for my new dew." Renko asked.
"The magic arrow thing was pointing this way. Oh, and heres the bulkhead it was pointing to." Jack said.
The guys went through the bulkhead door and found themselves in what looked like a massive mall. Closed down shops lined the walls. There were some items in one of the windows.
"Sweet! Who says crime doesn't pay?" Jack asked.
Jack broke the window with his elbow. In addition to getting shards of glass stuck in it, he also set off an alarm.
"Rapture reminds you that crime does not pay. Please wait where you are while we send a friendly security force to your position." The loudspeaker said.
"Awww shit. I should have saw that coming." Jack said.
"Don't worry, the security force should be very friendly." Roach said before several bullets flew into his bandaged chest.
Several security bots flew in and shot at the guys. Renko pulled out his Trusty AR9 Valkyrie Assault Rifle. He blasted one of the bots out of the air and it crashed into Roach, who tried to get up off the floor. Alcatraz activated his cloak and equipped his Feline bullpup assault rifle. When one of the bots looked away from him, he de-cloaked and blasted it out of the air, where it also crashed into Roach.
Since Jack didn't want to miss out on all the fun, he pulled out his Grenade Launcher and ran up close to the last security bot. He pressed the barrel against it and fired the grenade, where the bot disappeared in a large circular explosion, with Jack completely unharmed. Jack saw Roach laying unconscious on the floor and he ran over to him. He smacked his face a couple of times.
"Hey? Cock Roach, wake up." Jack said.
"Your guts are gonna look great on my wall." A voice said.
Jack turned around and saw a Spider splicer standing behind him. 2 more splicers with Pistols spun out from behind him. As Jack pondered what the fuck they were doing, the doors to the closed shop broke open, and some strange people walked out. They had blue pants and bloodstained white shirts. They also had long sharp claws and had these weird little flesh pillows with legs on their heads.
Before Jack could ask what the hell was happening, 2 large spikes shot through the ceiling and embedded themselves into the floor. Little hatches on them opened and more of the little flesh pillow things crawled out. For those of you who don't understand my reference jokes, these are head crabs from Half Life. When they latch onto someone's head, they turn into zombie knock offs.
"I hired these little freaks from another game to add some spice to the story! Get em boys!" The spider splicer said.
The zombies and head crabs just stood there for a moment. Then, all of the sudden, they attacked the ones who hired them, the splicers. The splicer on the left never saw them coming. A head crab attached itself to his head and he fell back screaming. The other 2 tried to fend off the zombies with their weapons, but they disappeared under a large pile of them.
"This sure is adding some spice to the story." Renko said.
"Let's hope the reader thinks so." Alcatraz said.
"At least this will be a nice change of pace." Jack said, cocking his shotgun.
Meanwhile, in another dimension...
"Roach! Roach! Wake up!" A voice yelled.
Roach opened his eyes and saw a U.S soldier in a desert uniform standing in front of him. They were both in a cheap cruddy apartment room. The walls were smeared with dirt and the floor was littered with beer cans. In the background, 3 other figures were sitting on a crappy couch watching TV. One of them was black with a green command vest and camo pants, another had the same wardrobe but also wore a baseball cap, and the last was another U.S soldier.
"Where the hell am I? Have I been kidnapped by Niko from GTA4?" Roach asked.
"Your in the land of dead Call of Duty soldiers." The soldier in front of him said.
"I'm in hell?" Roach asked.
"No, not permanently. I'm Sgt Paul Jackson. That's Ssgt. Griggs, Gaz, and Lt. Vasquez." Jackson said, pointing to the dudes on the couch.
"My captain said he used to work with a guy in a baseball cap." Roach pointed out.
"Yeah? Well your captains gonna join us on the next installment." Jackson said.
"Mactavish! What about Ghost?" Roach asked, scared.
"Him too." Jackson said.
"And Nikolai?" Roach asked again.
"Not him, at least not yet." Jackson said.
"And Neptune?" Roach asked.
"Who? Oh, you must mean one of those countless 'extra' characters. We have a hotel full of them." Jackson said.
"So if I'm not dead, why the hell am I here?" Roach asked.
"Our temp accidentally added you to his list." Jackson said.
"Sorry, I was drunk." A man at a typewriter wearing a blue shirt with a command vest and jeans said.
"Royce!" Roach gasped.
"Anyway, you've got to go back to where ever you've been." Jackson said.
"I can't. I'm no help to my friends. They have all sorts of cool tech and all I have is a pistol." Roach said.
"Did you try checking your back sling?" Jackson asked.
"What?" Roach asked.
It was too late. Jackson shoved Roach into the apartment's garbage chute. Roach suddenly came to. He sat up and saw his buddies fighting weird zombies with pillows on their heads. Roach thought about what he was told.
"If you pull on your thing, your gonna go blind!" said...AAARRRRGGGHHHH, not that memory!
"Check your back sling..." Jackson's voice echoed in Roach's mind.
Roach perked up and reached behind his back. He felt something and grabbed it. His eyes lit up when he saw it was his UMP45. He jumped to his feet and opened fire on the zombies. He burst some of the pillow things on the heads of the zombies.
Jack also burst one of his own with his wrench. Renko blasted some away with his Volk S4 shotgun. Alcatraz also blew some into bloody chunks with his Jackal shotgun. When ended, all the guys regrouped.
"I don't believe it! I still had my gun!" Roach said.
"I tried to tell you when we first met, but I lost interest." Jack said.
"Now when one of those bitches tries to attack me, Blam!" Roach said as he shot out another store window and triggered an alarm.
"You numb brain!" Jack said before hitting Roach on the head with his wrench.
Instead of security bots, something else showed up. They were little gray spheres with small white shell pieces, little orange lights, and a machine gun on it. These were Scanners from Half life 2.
"Damn, the guys from Rapture must love that game." Jack said.
These wimpy things were much weaker than the regular security bots, so the guys didn't have as much trouble as usual. After their pieces littered the floor, the guys went back to chatting.
"And I saw one of my old teammates Royce..." Roach continued.
"Enough! I can't stand listening to your retarded war hero stories!" Jack yelled. "We might as well search this place. That Cobb guy ain't going anywhere."
The others agreed and the team entered the nearest building. It was called, Sir-Prize, which was a casino with slot machines everywhere.
"Oh goody! Can someone spare a dime?" Roach asked.
"Fuck off." Jack said.
Jack jumped behind the counter, looted the cash register, and located a safe underneath it. He opened it and found some explosive buck and trap bolts.
"Trap bolts? I wonder what these do?" He thought.
He shot a bolt at the wall and that bolt shot a wire to the opposite wall. Roach walked right into it and got zapped when he was trying to use a slot machine. Jack chuckled. As Roach got up, a security camera spotted him, and triggered another boring alarm. While the others easily held off the helpless security bots, Jack found an Audio diary in a nearby crate.
"Woo boy. Fontaine's got a shitload of boys big enough to be an army. He's tired of Ryan dominating the plasmid market. From the way I see it, he just hates Ryan because of that retarded mustache. Hell, I do. Oh well, don't make much difference, whoever wins. The streets are still gonna be full of freaks and the vending machines will still carry things like ammo instead of sodas. God, I'm so glad I moved here. It's way more exciting than New Jersey. I don't have to look at Snooki's ugly hair every time I go to the beach." It said.
Jack looked towards the stairs and saw that the area was littered with destroyed Security bots. Roach violently shook a slot machine that he lost to while Renko smoked a cigar. Alcatraz hit a cue ball at a pool table. Jack lead the guys upstairs (Except Roach, who was still clinging to the slot machine) and saw that the second floor looked just like the first one.
"Okay, I'm bored. Lets go kill that fuck." Jack said.
Alcatraz grabbed Roach by his foot and dragged him up the stairs along with the slot machine. The guys exited through the door on the second floor and reentered the plaza. Directly across from them was the entrance to Rapture records.
"The puss must be hiding there. He said so in his diary." Jack said.
"You read other people's diaries? Thats not nice." Roach said, clinging to the slot machine.
The guys entered the record store. It was dark and gloomy. Jack didn't find any money in the cash register, but he did find an audio diary.
"I don't like that Cohen guy. He is like Ryan's shoe shiner. He does whatever Ryan tells him and obeys it like a dog. What's the word I'm looking for? Stableboy! That's it, stable boy! And, well...thats all I have to say. This might be the shortest Audio diary in the game." It said.
Near the back of the room was a broken railing overlooking the lower floor. The staircase to the right of it was broken as well. On the lower floor, there was a figure sitting on the couch looking at the fire place. Jack calmly pulled out his shotgun and jumped down. The others followed.
They quietly tiptoed towards the figure. Except Roach who sneezed loudly and got hit on the head by Jack's wrench. Alcatraz turned on his nano vision and didn't see a heat signature around the figure. Before he could inform the others, they jumped over the couch and shoved their weapons into the chest of a dummy with a bomb in it's chest. They all panic'd.
"Fuck." Jack said before the bomb went off and threw him into the wall.
"AhAhahahahahahahahahahaha! I can't believe you actually fell for that!" Cobb shouted from up on the second floor.
"You forgot that we could just take...the stairs..." Roach realized.
"I don't need no fucking stairs!" Alcatraz said.
Alcatraz launched himself on the second floor. Cobb threw a grenade at him, which Al swatted away and landed downstairs, where it exploded near the others. Cobb took of running out the door and Alcatraz was in hot pursuit. Meanwhile, 3 spider splicers crawled in from a nearby air vent. The guys slaughtered them with their guns and tried to figure out a way to get back up to the second floor.
"Maybe we could make a human ladder!" Roach suggested.
"Too Gay." Jack said.
"Maybe I can bring back the staircase with my TMD." Renko said.
"Too boring." Jack said.
Jack suddenly spotted the vent the splicers came through. He crouched down and took a look inside.
"I think we can get out this way." He said.
"Do we have to? My hair will be ruined." Renko said.
Jack grabbed Renko by the neck and tossed him into the vent. He did the same with Roach before he crawled in himself.
"Ouch, I think I crawled on a nail." Renko said.
"What are you complaining about? I nearly burnt my hair coloring off because of that damn fire!" Roach said.
"Hey! I found a ladder!" Renko said.
"Who the hell puts a ladder in a vent?" Jack asked.
Ignoring the lack of logic, the guys climbed up the misplaced ladder. Renko blew out an exit with his shockwave and the guys left the record shop. As they walked out the door, Cobb's corpse landed in front of them and Roach jumped into Jack's arms, who dropped him. Alcatraz walked out from behind the corner.
"This retard tried to use this thing with a first aid cross on it. I slammed his head into it a couple of times and then threw him over the railing. A hard landing from the second floor finished him off." He said.
"Good, now we don't have to waste another paragraph talking about how we killed him." Jack said, taking a picture.
"Does this mean we put it back on that hideous thing now?" Renko asked.
"Can we stop at the casino first?" Roach asked.
"No, haul ass." Jack said, grabbing Roach by the collar.
To be continued...
The entire fort frolic level was supposed to be one chapter, but this is just becoming way too long. The next chapter will wrap it up and won't be as long, hopefully. By the way, anyone know where I can find a site that host free voice acting online without giving out personal information? I can't start animating until I get some voice acting done first. Voice 123 seemed good, but it required my phone number and real name. Like that would happen. I think I'm just gonna have to find some other way. Because I'm not a SLACKER!