Going home didn't mean that it was all done with. Even though Spencer and Remy were cleared to go back to Spencer's apartment, there was still so much that had to be done. Statements that had to be made, questions that were asked. The rest of the day was spent with answering police questions, giving their statements, answering the questions that his team needed. By the time evening rolled around, Remy was annoyed enough with them all that he finally demanded that Derek clear the apartment for them before he did it himself. The glowing snap to his devil eyes was more than enough to convince a few people to get the hell out. The only thing that had kept Remy from exploding already was the man curled up against his side, half asleep.
The two had curled up on the couch together while they answered questions. It let Remy have his leg propped up on a pillow and the coffee table, per Spencer's orders, and it also had allowed Spencer to tuck himself in against Remy's side. It hadn't escaped anyone's notice that Remy had tucked Spencer into the corner of the couch and then put himself between Spencer and the rest of them. It was his very un-subtle way of protecting his partner. Spencer hadn't protested, either. He'd just sort of curled in against Remy like a child. His legs were overtop Remy's thigh—his good leg was towards Spencer—dangling down between Remy's knees, and one arm was squished between him and the couch, while the other was draped over Remy's stomach.
No one had really bothered to ask Spencer much. He didn't volunteer much either. He kept his face buried against Remy's shoulder and neck and for the most part ignored anyone who came near them. Once he spoke up when he felt Remy wince. Even then, it was only to chide him for moving too much and to make sure he was okay. It earned him a gentle smile and a kiss to the forehead. "Hush, cher. Remy's fine."
The second time he spoke up was when someone tried to tell him to go lay down for a while and relax. His eyes were sharp suddenly and they slashed across them all in surprising anger. "Last I checked I wasn't the one that was hurt today." He reminded them all in a low, slightly raspy voice. "I'll stay by him till he's ready for bed."
No one else knew how big a deal it was for Spencer to have that sign of temper. The others looked uncomfortable by it—Remy practically glowed. It was a positive sign in his eyes. Spencer hadn't displayed much temper at all in such a long time. To see it come out there, against three other males, even if one of those males was a friend….that, well, it was fantastic.
But finally Remy had enough. He was tired of answering questions. Tired of analyzing every movement of the entire day. He was just tired, period, and his stitches were throbbing. The lidocaine they'd put on it was wearing off.
When the door shut behind the last person, Remy sagged into the cushions slightly. "Merci Dieu." He mumbled.
"Amen to that." Spencer echoed, surprising Remy.
Smiling, Remy looked down, catching Spencer's gaze. There was still some pain in those chocolate eyes, but it was mostly overshadowed by love.
Yet again Spencer surprised him when he tipped his head up, kissing Remy so very lightly. When he pulled back, both of them were smiling. "Let's go lie down." Spencer suggested softly. The idea sounded like a good one, so Remy rose with him and they moved back to the bedroom. After making a stop to do the evening essentials of teeth brushing and using the facilities, the two men shut off all lights but the bedside lamp and climbed in to bed.
As was the norm Spencer curled against Remy. Tonight, though, he propped his head up on his hand, his elbow braced on the bed. There was something in his eyes that had Remy lying perfectly still. What it was, he couldn't have said, but it demanded his full attention.
Spencer's free hand came up, the knuckles of it running over Remy's cheek. Remy didn't know what to do or what to say. This was more like the old Spencer, the one who wasn't afraid of touching with him. With others, yes, but not with him. The light in Spencer's eyes and the gentle touch of Spencer's hand had Remy's heart swelling with so much love, he knew it would be leaking from him, little tendrils of charm threatening to slip into the room. Spencer had to have felt it, but he just smile.
Something inside of Spencer felt alive in a way that he hadn't in so long. He almost hadn't recognized the feeling, as it had been so long. But he stared down into Remy's eyes, stroking his knuckles across that beautiful face, and it flared to life in him. Not the all-consuming blaze that it had been, once upon a time. But a nice low warmth wrapped in love and tenderness. Desire.
He didn't speak for fear of ruining the moment. This was too new, too important. He had never thought he'd feel anything like this again and was terrified that the wrong thing would make it go away. So he stared at Remy and let the feeling build. He moved his eyes over the bare skin of Remy's neck, his chest, down to one of the smaller cuts the glass had created on his arm.
Spencer moved his hand to one of those cuts, not touching it really, but touching the skin softly below it. Without intending to, he spoke his thoughts aloud. "You almost got shot because of me. You saved me." He whispered. Remy didn't respond; there was nothing that he could say. He just continued to watch Spencer with those glowing eyes so full of patience and love. He didn't try to take control of the situation. Instead he allowed Spencer the freedom to explore this feeling again, and to be in control. Bending down, Spencer laid a gentle kiss overtop the little cut. Then on the skin above it. Soft as air, he made a trail of kisses along Remy's skin. Over his shoulder and up the side of his neck. Everywhere his lips touched, chills ran over Remy's skin. When he finally reached the warmth of Remy's mouth, the man kissed him back just as tenderly as Spencer had been kissing his skin.
The warmth in Spencer's stomach spread, filling him. He reveled in it and in Remy's kiss. He pulled back, his breathing a little heavier. "I want to be with you, Remy." His words surprised him, but he could see that they surprised Remy even more. Yet, Spencer had to be as honest as possible. "I don't know if it'll work. I might still, well, get scared."
He could see Remy wanted to protest, at least briefly, and Spencer hoped that he wouldn't. He had no idea if this was going to work but he wanted so badly to try. He wanted to see if he could do this; if this feeling would stay. He wanted to be close to Remy. Today, he'd taken back some of his power from the man who had destroyed him. He wanted to take back a little more.
Something of that must've showed on Remy's face. His eyes softened and the words he'd been about to say changed. "If y' really wanna try, Spencer, we can." Remy said slowly. His voice held an infinite amount of love. "All y'll have t'do is day de word and I'll stop, I promise y'."
When Spencer shifted back onto the bed a little, Remy propped himself up as well, so that they were on their sides, face to face. Color flooded Spencer's cheeks and he found himself picking at the bed, eyes averted as he spoke his fears. "It's not just the fear that might kick in. I mean, that's a big part, and that's a possibility. But I, uh, I don't know if I'll be able to, well…I mean, since then, I haven't even, on my own…" frustrated, he trailed off.
"Are y' afraid y'r body won't respond, Spencer?"
Leave it to Remy to ask so bluntly and yet still manage to sound sweet. There was no censure in his voice, no trace of mockery. Spencer had been terrified that Remy would laugh at him. A stupid fear, he knew. Remy never laughed at him for things. But, he hadn't been able to help it. "A little." He admitted, still picking at the bed and staring at his fingers. "I tried, on my own, and nothing happened."
"If it doesn't, dan it's not de right time. We'll just stop and try again another time. Dis aint a race. If y' aint ready, den y' aint. It's nothing t'be ashamed of, cher."
"I feel like it is. Did they take this from me too?"
Remy's free hand came down and covered Spencer's lightly. "Until y'r head's really ready fo' dis, y'r body aint gonna respond, trust me. It aint gonna let y' do something dat y'r brain is sacred of. If y' feel like y'r ready, in y'r heart and y'r mind, den we'll try dis. But y' don't have t'be ready yet, Spencer. We can take all de time y' need. I don't mind waiting fo' y'."
Spencer chuckled weakly. He'd always been kind of nervous in the bedroom. Always. But he'd figured once that it would be different with Remy. That it would be easier. Go figure that his first time with Remy was probably going to be the hardest and most awkward time of all. Yet, there was no one else that he wanted to be here with. No one else he would trust like this. He knew that Remy meant every word he said. If Spencer wanted to stop, they would stop. This would all be on his terms. "I want to." There was one last thing he knew he needed to admit to, though. One thing he needed to ask his lover. "I just, I want to ask you something. I just don't want you to think…oh, never mind. Forget it."
The hand over Spencer's tightened briefly in support. "Ask me, Spencer. Don't ever be afraid t'ask me anything, especially where dis is concerned."
Still, it took him another few minutes to put his thoughts in order. Spencer felt the blush climb into his face. He closed his eyes, his hand taking hold of the sheet in a tight grip. "If we're going to do this, I need to know I really can. Like, all the way. I…I don't want to end up being the…giver." Why oh why couldn't he just say what he wanted to? Why couldn't he be as smooth or verbose as a normal person? Here, where it was the more important than it had ever been, he couldn't seem to say what he wanted to.
Yet again, Remy understood him and came to the rescue. "Y' wanna know if y' can handle having someone inside of y'."
Oh God. His flush spread from his cheeks to his whole face. He swore even the back of his neck heated a little. It was all he could do to nod.
"So basically," Remy was continuing. "What y' need tonight is a seduction."
Why was this so difficult? Spencer didn't know what he needed. All he knew was the desire he felt, and the urge to try. From there, it was like walking in a maze in the dark. He felt like a virgin all over again who had no idea where to put his hands, or what to say, or what to do. Maybe he'd been wrong to suggest this. Maybe Remy was laying there thinking that this was just too much to deal with. Maybe he was going to chase him away, all because he was being such a screw up tonight. Oh God, oh God.
Spencer suddenly jumped when he felt Remy's lips connect with his. The kiss was full of everything that Remy was feeling, the love and lust and even the understanding. It sent Spencer's brain for a loop, losing him in the sensation. He tried to push all his fears out of the way and focus only on Remy. That wasn't as hard as he thought it would be. He was so lost in the kiss that he didn't even notice at first that Remy had laid him back on the bed.
Propped up on his arm, with his bad leg stretched carefully out, Remy put his other hand against Spencer's hip, lightly tracing the skin there. Just a slow back and forth movement. The first touch made Spencer jump, but the continuous movement easily soothed him back down.
"Just lie back and try t'enjoy y'rself." Remy moved to whisper against his ear. "If y' don't like something, don't be shy about telling me. I want t'make dis experience as wonderful fo' y' as possible." To punctuate those words, he bit lightly on Spencer's earlobe and then moved to nibble on his neck. Words were impossible. Spencer was having a hard time thinking beyond the feelings Remy was triggering in him. Feelings he had never thought he would ever have again.
Remy moved his mouth to that spot between his neck and his collarbone and Spencer gasped slightly. It made Remy chuckle against his skin and do it again. The hand that had been stroking his hip was slowly making longer and longer strokes, until those warm fingers brushed against Spencer's nipple. He didn't pinch or pull, but just rolled it under his thumb, teasing it to a peak. Small thoughts and worries tried to worm their way in, but Spencer pushed them away. This was Remy. Remy's lips against his collarbone now; Remy's hand moving over the skin on his stomach now, over his hip and up his side. Sensation after sensation rolled through Spencer's body until he trembled with the strength of them. It was Heaven. It was bliss.
That roaming hand slid down again, teasing at the edge of the boxers Spencer had stripped down to before bed, even as Remy's lips came back up to his ear again. "I don't t'ink y' gotta worry about y'r body, bébé." Remy whispered, licking the shell of Spencer's ear. It took Spencer a second to focus on what Remy meant. Then he felt Remy's hand drop even lower, brushing against him. God, he'd been so lost under Remy's touches and kisses that he'd been oblivious to his body's response.
Spencer gasped when Remy abruptly stopped his teasing touches and simply slid his hand under Spencer's boxers and took hold of him. His hips almost launched up off the bed. Remy leaned over and kissed him, swallowing his moan as he moved his hand, just barely pulling up and sliding back down. Spencer almost sobbed into their kiss as lights exploded behind his eyes. He brought one hand up, cupping the back of Remy's head, deepening their kiss.
He forgot all about his fears. He forgot about everything except for this man in bed with him. There was no room in his mind for anything else. Pleasure built in him; the low fire growing and building so that every inch of his body felt consumed by it.
Remy bit at Spencer's bottom lip, sucking it in, just as his hand let go. Before Spencer could even think to protest, Remy's hand was at his boxers, pulling them down. The fear clamored back in, making him freeze. Feeling that, Remy froze as well, pulling his lips back just a hair. "I just wanna see y'." He whispered, looking into Spencer's eyes. "Y'r so beautiful, Spencer. I wanna be able t'look at y', dat's all."
Spencer bit his lip, but he nodded. Their eyes stayed locked together, their lips stayed that inch apart, as Remy slowly pulled the boxers down. When they were low enough, Spencer forced his legs to move, to help kick them off until he was lying naked in his bed—their bed. Small tremors ran through him. Remy had seen him naked since the attack, but Spencer generally hadn't been coherent for those moments. It had only been when Spencer was at his worst and Remy was helping to get him out of his clothes and into clothes for bed. This was different. This was deliberate. He was lying here with the sole intent of letting another's eyes look at him.
Would Remy turn away from what he saw? Would he be disgusted with the scars that Spencer carried, both internally and externally? Most of those physical scars were self-inflicted.
Sensing the importance in this, Remy didn't rush his way through it. He started with Spencer's eyes and very slowly moved his gaze downward. His eyes took in every inch of bared skin. Every freckle, every scar; all of it. He felt his eyes tear at the sight of the scars on Spencer's stomach and chest, as well as the ones on his legs. It didn't pass by Remy's notice that Spencer had lost some of his erection. This was a very important moment for him. It was made even more obvious by the trembles that were shaking Spencer's small frame.
Once Remy's gaze had gone down and come back up, their eyes locked together again. "Y'r so beautiful, Spencer."
Those four words were full of such honesty and passion that Spencer couldn't doubt them. He didn't feel that he deserved them, though. "My…my scars." He stammered out. But Remy's lips were curving even as he gave Spencer a light kiss. "Dey're just a part of y', Spencer, dat's all. T'me, every inch of y' is beautiful, scars and all. I wouldn't have y' any other way." Then Remy kissed him again, and set about showing Spencer exactly how beautiful he thought he was.
In no time at all Spencer was lost again, his body riding that wave of pleasure. His muscles still quivered, but this time out of passion, not fear. One of his hands fisted in the blankets while the other again cupped the back of Remy's head, playing with the silky locks while Remy's lips and tongue drove him crazy, tasting every inch of his mouth. Remy's hand was running over the skin on his pelvis, his thighs. Spencer's legs slid open without him realizing it; his hips moved as he begged for the one touch he wanted more than anything and the one that they both knew would be the most risky.
It wasn't until Remy's hand slid lower than ever that Spencer started to tense again. He broke their kiss to look at Remy. He knew his eyes were wide. Knew that his breath was hitching slightly. But he didn't say a word to stop him as Remy's hand continued to go lower. Spencer just stared into Remy's eyes and reminded himself that this was Remy with him. Remy would never hurt him. Remy loved him. It gave him enough control to relax.
Then Remy did the last thing Spencer expected. With that one hand resting so close, he held it still, laying it on the bed. Without warning, he slid down Spencer's body. Confused, Spencer followed him with his eyes. In a normal frame of mind, in a time long ago, he would have instantly recognized what Remy was going to do. Now, he didn't realize it until Remy's warm mouth closed over the leaking tip of his cock. In a flash of wet, hot, so good oh God so good, Spencer forgot all about the hand that was barely touching his ass.
Oh, damn. Everything in Spencer's world vanished except for the wet warmth that was taking him further and further in. Jesus. Never, in all his years, could he remember something that felt so good. His hands fisted into the bedspread and his legs fell further open even as his hips bowed up. At first he didn't even notice Remy's hand moving again, but then the tip of that finger was pushing in, and the coolness of the lube he felt there surprised him, because when the hell had Remy managed to get a tube of lube without breaking away from Spencer? Half of Spencer wanted to tense. The other half moaned out loud when Remy sucked him in the rest of the way.
His lover kept the two motions timed together. Each time Remy moved his finger and Spencer would try to tense, he would suck at him again, or bob his head, or run his warm tongue over and around him. Fear slowly left Spencer, overwhelmed by passion. His moans grew louder and his brain started to haze over. "Remy." He moaned out. It had been so long for him. His body was craving release. Higher and higher Spencer climbed until, with a final strong pull from Remy's mouth, he couldn't hold on anymore.
A sound that was half moan, half scream tore past Spencer's lips and his whole body bowed up. Remy never moved. He just relaxed his throat, swallowing it all down, until Spencer collapsed against the bed.
Remy looked up at Spencer's face as he let his lover's spent cock fall from his mouth. He had deliberately brought Spencer to orgasm, wanting to remind him that pleasure still existed, as well as loosen him up enough to relax. But that meant that it was time for the second half of his plan. He shed his boxers while Spencer was still panting on the bed, and then moved his body up, letting their skin brush against one another.
He felt it when Spencer tensed underneath him. Remy's face was over his, and his cock was pressed against Spencer's entrance. He didn't slam his legs closed like they'd both worried he might. Instead, every part of him went perfectly still. For a second Remy thought that Spencer even stopped breathing. Their eyes locked together again. "I'll stop any time y' want, Spencer." Remy reminded him, voice thick and accent heavy with his own passion. But he wanted this to be good for Spencer. To be special.
Spencer looked up at his lover and knew, without a doubt, that he had to try. If he didn't try now, he was terrified that he never would. He had to prove that he was stronger. That he could survive these demons. This was the biggest, most important step he was going to take on his road to recovery. "Don't stop." He whispered.
Slowly, carefully, Remy started to push in. It took everything Spencer had not to clench himself. His brain screamed at him to stop the intrusion at the same time that his heart reminded him over and over that this was Remy and he was safe. With all the willpower he had, Spencer kept his body as relaxed as possible. Remy moved slow enough that the discomfort wasn't overpowering. Spencer couldn't help comparing this moment to the one that haunted him. Then, it had been a sharp tearing pain, as if he was going to be split in two. This was more a…fullness. As if Remy both filled and surrounded him.
When Remy was deep inside of him, Spencer slowly relaxed his breathing. That hadn't been so bad. There was an ache, but it wasn't too much. He could do this. He would do this. "Kiss me, Rem." He asked him quietly. "Kiss me, and make me forget again. Make me crazy. Kiss me."
Remy didn't waste time with words. He bent his head and gave Spencer another of those soul wrenching, mind blowing kisses that he was coming to love. But still he held his hips still, even though Spencer could feel the quivers in Remy's body that told the effort it took to do this. He felt his heart overflow with the knowledge that Remy was leaving it up to him when they would move, or if they would. He had really meant what he had said. He would stop if Spencer asked him to.
That gave Spencer the strength to move his hips. He gasped at the sensations it brought. He moved again, experimenting with the way it felt. When Remy started to move with him, Spencer could have sworn his world was trembling.
Passion took place of the fear yet again. Spencer knew he could do this. He gave himself over to it, his arms coming up to wrap around Remy's neck. As a test, he rolled his body, his hips, and found that it made the both of them gasp. So he did it again, and again.
Together, the two climbed higher and higher to that one peak that all lovers seek. They basked in the light and glory of shared love. The light of healing. When at last, the very world seemed to splinter and explode around them, they collapsed together, clinging tightly to one another while their bodies shuddered and bucked and their souls rejoiced in that moment of feeling like one.
Remy lay on his back, just having finished cleaning the both of them. In his customary place against Remy's side, Spencer was curled up, body lax and perfectly content. They lay together, their heartbeats still slowing. Absently Remy was stroking the skin along Spencer's back. It had been everything he had wanted it to be and so much more. What they had shared together had been beautiful. Beyond beautiful.
Something wet touched Remy's chest. He looked down at his lover's head. "Cher, are y' crying?" he asked. A sniffle and a nod were his answer. "I didn't…Spencer, I didn't hurt y'?"
"No!" Spencer cried out immediately, tipping his head up and wiping away his tears. Love lit his face. For the first time in months, Spencer looked at Remy without a single shadow in his eyes. "No, I'm not hurt. I just…it was beautiful, Rem. I don't…I guess I mean, I didn't think it could, you know."
"I never knew it was dat beautiful either, Penny." Remy whispered, smiling now that he knew what was going on. "It aint never been like dat fo' me b'fore. Only here, only with y'."
"I feel like I found a part of me tonight, Remy. Like a part of me had been missing for a long time, and I found it here." Spencer smiled a shaky smile. "I can't say I'm healed now, but I feel more like me. That was the most powerful experience I've ever been through. You are the kindest, gentlest lover, and the sweetest person I have ever known. I don't know what I did to deserve you. But, you've saved me, Remy."
"Y' saved y'rself, Spencer. I just helped point y' in de right direction."
The two men snuggled back together, content to be with one another. There was nothing more that they needed in their life right then. Spencer was right. He wasn't totally healed yet, but a big part of him had healed that night. With his kind words and his gentle ways, Remy had not only climbed into his heart, but he had healed some of the hurt there and soothed away the pain. Because of Remy, Spencer felt that he had his sanity back. He was almost complete again. No, he wasn't healed, but he was going to be. With this man by his side, he could do anything.
THE END