Chapter Nine: Pink Swan Down
Princess Bubblegum made careful note of the enemy's movements. The battle plan was set. Artillery would bombard the enemy on approach. The Humvee was repositioned behind sugar bag fortifications at the front gate. Banana Man remained behind the wheel and operated the defensive laser while Warren manned the cannon. It turned out BMO had exceptional vision and was made a spotter. Finn and Jake were on foot behind the fortification in preparation for close-combat. The Gumball Guardians flanked the position behind the walls. Bubblegum and a candy helicopter flight were to conduct flyby passes and take potshots from the air once the enemy got too close for the artillery.
For now, the Goo Monsters were holding position just outside artillery range at the edge of the forest. Something about them deeply disturbed the candy princess. In all previous encounters, they had been mostly mindless and extremely hostile. This waiting game was unlike them. Steadying her swan, she pulled a telescope from her bag and peered through it. Something seemed off about them, but she needed a closer look. Calling her helicopter escorts to follow, she took them closer.
As she rode, she thought to herself about her human situation. Various elements of what she saw concerned her greatly. First and foremost on her mind were the Captain's weapons. Bubblegum had recovered many guns over the years, and was well aware of their destructive potential. It was precisely for this reason that the Candy Cane Shotgun was the only firearm whose use she permitted in her Kingdom. Intentionally underpowered and issued to Banana Guards only in extreme emergencies, Bubblegum kept tight control of her very limited arsenal of them. Even then, she was aware of a small handful making their way into the hands of criminals and private citizens. The rest of Ooo had to rely on outdated civilian weaponry for which working ammunition was nearly impossible to find or manufacture or whose state had run down greatly over the eons. But Warren was carrying no double-barreled shotgun. The sidearm she spotted on his person was a Gauss pistol. Between it and the laser weapons mounted on his vehicle, it wouldn't be long before his tech drew the attention of the other kingdoms, bandits, or any number of potential threats. Regardless of his own attitudes on securing his arsenal, it was a factor Bubblegum did not control, and thus was a threat.
Which led her to item of concern number two; Warren's Humvee was sporting US markings, and they were fresh. Bubblegum knew all too much about the United States and its ideology: representative government, excessive personal liberties, individualistic focus. It was unsustainable. A monarchy offered stability and the wisdom of years of governance. A "democracy" would foster mob rule, the whims of the masses undoing the long-term work that needed to be done for progress and a brighter future. In short, those ideals threatened PB's work, and the last thing she needed was them being spread. Warren was obviously a fervent believer in these principles, and was in a dangerous position. Sharing a species with Finn the Human gave him a considerable amount of influence on the young man's still impressionable mind. Finn was Bubblegum's champion, a hero and testament to all that the Candy Kingdom stood for. Though his youthful idealism was admirable in many respects, Bubblegum had been around long enough to know the cold truth: realism and practicality are what avert suffering and promote good, and sometimes "principles" had to be sacrificed for the common good. She spent years trying to help Finn understand this. Though he was her closest friend, he was also her greatest asset, and she could not afford to lose him to the very system that burned away his kind and whose mess Bubblegum had spent the past 800 years working to repair.
Her present course of action was obvious. Warren would have to be swayed to her way of thinking. The possible benefits were too numerous to ignore. But how? She would think of something. What if he proves impossible to persuade? Bubblegum hesitated. The responsibilities of rule were not always easy, she reminded herself, and the greater good must always take priority. Still, her heart grew heavy at this resolution, and it was almost a welcome distraction when she was finally close enough to pick up details on the enemy.
Almost. Looking through the telescope, some of the Goo Monsters were shaped like deformed lemons, and wearing the rapidly deteriorating remains of Lemon Earldom uniforms. Their orifices didn't seem to be as hideously distorted and were leaking much smaller amounts of green goo, but their conversion was unmistakable. Just like the original James. Speaking of whom, a large figure emerged from the trees. It was the James abomination, but it looked far more like its cousins now, mushy and deformed. He must have either deteriorated over time or been further turned by the other creatures. Before she had time to properly process this, however, something new happened.
One of the Goo Monsters let out a terrifying howl. Leaning forward, it seemed to take a deep breath before spitting a concentrated jet of radioactive goo at one of the candy helicopters. Its range was incredible, as was its accuracy. The toxic fluid drenched the tail of the craft, and it wasn't even a matter of seconds before it began to smoke, bubble, and hiss. Bubblegum had only ever seen them vomit the vile substance over a short range.
"GET BACK!" she ordered the other helicopter, rearing her swan to put more distance between her and the enemy. It was a matter of seconds before the goop had dissolved its way through the first helicopter's tail, sending it out of control and plummeting to the ground. The Banana Guard pilot of the second helicopter didn't need further orders to retreat. Whirling the craft around hard, it futilely attempted to gain speed and get out of range. A second jet of spit from the abomination struck its engine block.
Firing lasers from her swan's mouth, Bubblegum likewise attempted to leave range. One of the other creatures took the same position as its spitting comrade. Time seemed to slow down as Bubblegum fired a laser at it as it launched its deadly spit towards her. The beam hit the abomination, bursting it into flames, but the swan made a terrible, pained noise at the same time. Bubblegum lost control as it put its last energy into carrying her as far away as possible before falling lifelessly from the sky.
BMO described the scene that was unfolding to Warren. This mission was going sideways before it even truly began. Six banana people and Bubblegum herself were going down over there, and Warren faced a nasty tactical decision. He couldn't stay idle.
"Smash on it, get us over there! We can't just leave them to die!"
Banana Man seemed to hesitate for a moment before complying. Firing a laser through the sugar bag barrier, he broke through the weakened structure and raced out to meet the enemy. Warren was shaken by this turn of events. They had driven closer to those creatures than those helicopters had flown to them. They all could have died before this battle began. He felt exposed and cautious.
"Keep your distance from those creatures! We'll give them some covering fire but they'll have to make it to us for pickup, got it?"
Banana Man said nothing but nodded in agreement. BMO called out the positions of the swan and the two downed choppers. Warren decided to retrieve the princess first. Finn and Jake were following using Jake's stretch abilities.
"Captain Warren to General Candy Corn! The princess is down! Requesting artillery support, over! He shouted into the bulky radio the General had provided him.
"You're too close!" he replied, "We can't risk hitting you or the princess!"
"Acknowledged! We'll try to make do, out!"
Warren was sweating now. His heart pounded in his chest. It reminded him of those bombing runs in the Middle East in World War III, SAM and AAA fire everywhere. He remembered what happened back then, and he tried hard to avoid it now.
Their vehicle arrived at Princess Bubblegum's swan. It was dead, a sizzling hole in its chest above its heart. The Goo Monsters looked to be out of range, but were clearly advancing quickly.
"Princess!" Warren shouted.
"Princess! PB!" came Finn's shouts from behind them.
To Warren's immense relief, she replied.
"I'm here!" she called, standing momentarily from behind the swan's body. "I need a few more seconds!" She squatted down and disappeared behind it once more.
Priming the laser cannon, Warren looked to the horizon. Two Banana Guards were running towards them from the direction of the downed choppers. This was going to be tight.
Several seconds passed and everyone seemed to converge in slow motion. A Goo Monster was gaining on the Banana Guards and entering range, but it was too risky a shot. Adrenaline pumped through Warren's body as the situation deteriorated.
"We're running out of time!" Warren shouted. Princess Bubblegum did not respond.
Generating a good angle of attack on the Goo creature, Warren fired the turret. A blue beam shot through its center of mass and sent it tumbling to the ground. Its comrades weren't too far behind, though. It was only a matter of seconds before he fired another beam into one of the creatures' heads, exploding it like an overripe melon. Still they kept coming. A sweep this time, it took the legs off a small group of them. It was no use. There were too many too spread out. This position was indefensible.
"We have to go, NOW!"
"I've got it!" Bubblegum called, leaping over the swan's body holding a strange looking device. It looked almost like a nerf gun.
Stretching to her, PB jumped on Jake's back and they headed back for the Candy Kingdom.
The two surviving Banana Guards were within earshot now. They were screaming for help. Warren and Banana Man fired the Humvee's lasers as accurately as they could, picking off more of the creatures. The second guard tripped. The gooey zombies swarmed his body, and his screams ripped through the air. The first guard made it to the Humvee, climbing into the back, turning to look for his partner.
"JERRY!" he screamed back at his comrade.
"He's gone, I'm sorry!" Warren shouted. "Get us out of here!"
Banana Man slammed the Humvee into motion and began their retreat back toward the Kingdom. Warren climbed down from the turret and looked over the guard.
"Hey, what's your name?" he asked gently, checking for signs of injury or shock.
"Phil," The guard said, shaken.
"Okay, Phil, are you hurt?"
"One of those things bit me," he said, turning to his side. A chunk of his side was missing, the remaining area bruised and forming an unhealthy greenish tinge.
Warren froze. Were those things contagious? The big guy he shot earlier looked like he used to be one of those candy people.
"Please help me," the Banana Guard pleaded, staring into Warren's eyes and beginning to tear up. "I don't want to die!"
Warren did his best to remain calm, but the simple fact of the matter was that he didn't know exactly what he was dealing with here.
"Just stay calm, Phil. Take my hand. We're going back to the Candy Kingdom. We're gonna get you help. Keep talking to me, anything you want just keep talking."
"I can't die," the Guard sobbed. "My son needs his daddy!"
"Tell me about him."
"He's the cutest kid in the world. He's smart, not like me. His name's Split."
Warren froze in horror. Phil's tears were turning green.
"I- I- HRRRRNNNGGH!"
Phil was going into some sort of convulsions. Green fluid began leaking from his nasal cavity.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick… Warren's Geiger counter started to tick, increasing in frequency. Phil was screaming now.
"GLOB, IT HURTS!"
Warren felt the most bizarre feeling. Looking into Phil's eyes, he swore he'd seen this before somewhere, but it was like a memory from a dream.
The same sickly green substance began leaking out of his mouth, and the tears were thickening and becoming more copious. Warren let go of Phil's hand and opened the rear hatch. Positioning himself so that Phil was now between him and the opening, he drew his sidearm.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." he said flatly. Phil stopped convulsing and sat up. Slowly he turned his head to face Warren eye to eye, his screams and cries replaced by a low growl. Warren simply raised his weapon, took a deep breath, and pulled the trigger.
Half of his head flew out the back in a nasty yellow-green spray. The body remained upright for a moment, before a kick to the chest from Warren sent it tumbling out the back.
"What's going on back there!?" Banana Man shouted.
"They turned him into one of them. I had no choice." Warren said coldly, not removing his eyes from the corpse as it tumbled into the dirt and began to dissolve away.
Bubblegum climbed off Jake's back atop the rampart and looked out over the field. The Humvee looked to have put enough distance between it and the monsters to begin the artillery barrage. She gave the order to fire. The roar of the guns burst to life and the abominations' advance looked to be slowed by the incoming fire.
"Finn, Jake, when Warren gets here, tell him to come up here, please."
A few minutes later and everyone assembled around a table.
"Lemongrab's tightening his defensive positions around Castle Lemongrab. They've reported no further enemy contact, so it looks like this is the main attack," General Candy Corn reported. "Last count suggests that we're dealing with about two dozen of them."
"Enemy casualties?" Warren inquired.
"No known casualties so far." said Candy Corn.
"Well, we sawed the big guy in half in the woods…" Warren began, but Bubblegum interrupted.
"When?"
"About an hour ago, when we found your gumball man."
"Are you sure? I spotted him out there when we were attacked." Bubblegum had a hypothesis, but it would need further testing.
"100 percent." Warren said, looking worried.
Bubblegum briefly went over everything she knew about these things. They could turn other creatures into more of them, they could spit that goo; they seemed to generate it, as well.
"I've… witnessed the transformation process." Warren said, delicately. "Your man, Phil. He's dead."
Bubblegum knew him. He was one of the candy helicopter pilots, one of the few reasonably competent Banana Guards. This was a huge loss. She was going to have a hard time breaking the news to his family, too.
"I'm not totally sure, but I think he might be a confirmed enemy casualty." Warren continued
Bubblegum looked Warren directly in the eyes. She had the strangest feeling they were staring into each others' souls, and she didn't like it.
"Explain," she said flatly.
"Well, the other ones we shot? They just sort of flopped over and stopped moving. We thought they were dead. Phil dissolved into that nasty goo crap when he died. Unfortunately, this might be a bigger problem." He hung his head.
"Bigger problem, how?"
"It's just a hunch, but everything about these things screams 'bio-weapon' to me. They seem too dangerous to be natural, plus being able to transform other life forms, fast healing, dissolving on death, these sound like they were engineered for war."
Bubblegum had actually been thinking on very similar lines already. This was not looking good.
"And," Warren concluded. "The major problem with that is that nobody designs a weapon like that unless they're not planning on surviving its deployment either or they've got some means of controlling it."
Bubblegum sighed. This wasn't going to be easy.