Chapter X: Sacrifice and Reward

I had given it up, my power. I had honestly thought it would be that easy. My mother told me my seal was special. It would seal a large amount of my youki and I could be among others without creating conflict. I would have never believed the sacrifice for trying to bury a piece of myself would be that a portion of my consciousness would be hurled away into a suffocating darkness. I felt as if I was being torn apart. I was afraid, afraid that if I slipped too far away I would never make my way back. I faintly recall someone calling to me and saying that it would be alright. She said:

I will take care of you while you sleep.

While I slept? Yes, this was my punishment for being unable to realize my place. I had faint knowledge of the world outside. I would be able to see as everything around me passed through dreams. It had been the first time I had ever dreamt. I realized that for the first time in my life, I looked forward to another day, but why? I could not understand these dreams. Though these feelings had always been with me, I just had been unable to express them. I always had to suppress my emotions, but now I felt as if it was alright to reverie these feelings. I dreamt happy dreams, but I also dreamt sad things. I wondered if, perhaps in a state such as this that I could hold a companion? Vampires were hated, feared creatures that were forced to live in a world separate from both youkai and human alike. I knew I was not supposed to, but even if it was only a human, I wished that there would be one person that would accept me in this state. Yes, that is what I dreamed for, and that is what I looked forward to.

In my dream I was a happy, energetic girl. She was my sentimental side, a side I could never show, and until I was sealed, did not know existed. My sentimental side was very open, and always laughed, the same way ojisan used to laugh. Were these all really my feelings?

I continued to dream these wonderful dreams, and I could taste something unfamiliar. I gave a kiss in my sleep. Even though I had originally thought that kissing was a dreadful activity, this: my first kiss was indescribable. I dreamt wonderfully of his blood until a nightmare was once again upon me. He told me he was a human, I could hear his voice whisper as a pain washed over me. I had felt coldness toward other humans as I slept, but when I came upon this one, unknowingly… I spoke out of turn, and with my emotions. It seems even in a sleeping state I must tread lightly. The sentimental I had spoken out of turn, calling humans cruel creatures, when in fact the same stood for us.

"You hate humans right?! So than excuse me for being a friend to a monster!!"

Though his words were harsh, they were true. Though humans were cruel, they were not…monsters. I felt as my warmth fled from me. I was broken by the feeling as it carried into my dreams. I had wished to make a friend, I did not care what sort of creature it was, as long as it accepted me, yet there I stood a hypocrite to my own desire. It hurt. I had driven away the one warm feeling in this abyss, and I was not even awake. I was such a fool. My sentimental self was too muddled by her sadness to feel the dark feeling hovering above her. I was asleep, so could not act. I would once again…

As soon as it began, I recall the sudden feeling a fear I had only felt once before. It was not a fear for my life, but the life of another. It felt the same as when Kokoa had been in danger. I hated this feeling I wanted to… I wanted it to end differently. I wanted to keep this feeling of warmth around me, and selfishly stop these feelings of fear of loss.

"I wanted to be your friend Moka-san."

I heard faintly in my dreams. It was a powerful feeling. Had he truly said that or was it wishful thinking? Was it the one that made me feel warm in this state truly mean this? But would I feel that, would this warmth feel that way if they knew what I really was like?

"Even if you're a vampire…I like you Moka-san."

When I was here I did not have sad dreams, and I wished for that to continue. If only I could wake up. I begged to wake. And then, my wish came true. I woke up from my dreams and found my enemy before me.

That foolish creature thought he could force me into anything…I felt invigorated by my awakening and I was never good at waking up to be honest. He wanted to take me, and rid me of this warm feeling? So, I offered him to come and try. Foolish Ork. He wasn't even a challenge for y power which has just reawakened. His low class did not suit my tastes in battle, but it was enough to sate my temper. I turned to the boy who brought my sleeping state warmth. He has seen the true me, and just like everyone else, would fear me.

"What's wrong? Are you scared of me? This me…?"

I did not want him to run, or be scared, but I also wanted him to know the true me. I could not hide what I was. A monstrous creature that loved battle and bloodshed. I was not a cruel being, far from it, but I still could not escape my nature, it was something I realized when I woke from these dreams and sensed the fear in that wild Ork… they always feared me. Even my sisters' mother and father after a time. Aneue would no longer wish to challenge me, and I now realized that perhaps I sought the attention, attention regardless what it was. I looked to this boy.

Tsukune.

I remember him from my dreams. He was the one that held the warmth over my body. He made my sleeping state feel… something. He stared at me. Was it fear? Or surprise? He did not run. Was it stupidity or fear? I reached out to him, and he flinched. It made my heart jump seeing that face on him. I had remembered he had a warm smile. Well after what I did to that Ork it's not surprise considering he woke me. I did not smell fear on him…but awe.

"Don't act so worried."

I chuckled when I snatched my Rosary from his hand. Perhaps I would dream of him for a little longer, and see if he stays by my sleeping self's side… he said he would be my friend, was it true?

"This me who has not awoken from slumber for a long time, is still tired."

I would give him time to choose to leave me, if he did choose I did not want to be awake to see it.

"I have no intention of harming you."

The one who kept me warm in my normally chilling slumber. I looked to my Rosary in thought. I wished to remove this dreadful thing but I did not want him to know me, not yet. Not until I knew him. I remembered coming close to him. If he truly meant what he said, I wished to continue kiss him. I liked him too, my first friend. His face was amusing. Perhaps I would tease him a little, it was what friends did right?

"As for your blood, it is very delicious to my sleeping self."

He looked rather shocked, and even blushed. I was sure he was not scared, and would stay by my side. Maybe he would care for me as I continued to sleep?

"Until we meet again…you had better babysit the other, sentimental, Moka."

I warned before placing the Rosary back in place and falling back to my sleep. I was sure I'd feel the cold emptiness of loneliness, but all I felt was warmth surround me. Was this my reward for sacrificing my power, I wondered. Later I would discover, though he would be my reward, he would also act as my punishment when the time came.

He continued to stay by my side, no matter how frightening I became as my awakened self… I had come to consider him my precious friend, as my sentimental self did. He was slowly melting away the barrier between my feelings of affection and feelings of mistrust. He slowly began to understand the true me, but then I lost him.

When I felt as the water stopped raining down upon me, I felt my strength instantly return. I knew what I had to do. It was my responsibility. He was not my Familiar so I could not control him and even so he would be forced to live the same life as me… forever a parasite and living off the blood of others. I did not want him to suffer that. It was more merciful to kill him than to let him live and hurt his friends. He wouldn't want that. I knew Tsukune well enough to say that. He was a good person and had a good heart. He had his pride and I would not allow him to tarnish his name. It was okay for me to destroy mine…

I slowly padded toward him. My heart wanted to fight me, but my will fought back all the harder.

"That's why I told you Tsukune…that you should have returned to the human world…"

I felt tears trying to escape, but I would not allow it. I would not pity Tsukune for my mistake. I deserved this pain because of the pain I brought Tsukune. I felt myself hesitate when he looked to me with those empty eyes. I knew than he was no longer my Tsukune. Once again I had to cast away my own emotions. I would kill Tsukune and take my punishment which I would have to suffer with for all of my immortal life…

I would not give up my life. I will continue to fight to live, because if I die than I would escape my punishment. This is what I deserved for being a vampire. This is what I deserved for running away from that which I could not escape. When I heard Tsukune bones crack under the weight of my kick, I felt my heart shatter.

"Forgive me…"

I begged, though I kept my voice even, for I knew if I allowed my emotion out I would not be able to kill him and he would end up suffering like an animal. He would die a crueler death at the hands of others, than at mine.

"I no longer have a way to save you."

I was no better than my father… no I was better than him, because I would not make his mistake. I could hear as Tsukune coughed up his blood and I could hear as he hissed in pain. It was an inhuman sound… it was devastating. I have no choice but to do this… don't think badly of me Tsukune. All I ever wanted was for you to be my friend. No I wanted more.

I would repent with this suffering that my kind, my family, has wrought upon humans. I would kill the man I loved with my own hands.