Disclaimer: I own NOTHING except my OC. Credit goes to the respective owners. I tried to make a sketch of what Ayame looks like so please see my profile for her picture.

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A/N: Reedited 11/25/17

Errors fixed and minor changes added to dialogues.

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Chapter X: Truths and Secrets

"If these feelings won't go away, then I need to stop running from them..."

-Haru (Tonari no Kaibutsu-Kun)-

--*--

I opened my eyes to see a vast expanse of blue sky. I looked down and saw my own reflection on what appeared to be a huge mirror that reflected the sky above it.

"Where am I?" I ask myself as I continuously walked in this odd yet peaceful world. Is this a dream? It's the only explanation after all since a world like this is impossible. I blinked from the sun that shone bright and my eyes quickly strayed to something that fluttered past me.

"A butterfly?!" I say in surprise as my eyes continue to follow the insect. Its purple wings danced in the windless scenery, like a small dot of violet in a sea of blue and white.

I felt compelled to follow it and soon the world before me vanished and its place was an endless field of violet irises. My shoeless feet scrunched up to the feel of the earth on my skin as my body continued to chase after the ephemeral creature.The moment my eyes blinked from the sunlight that penetrated it, the butterfly vanished and my eyes widened when I saw a familiar figure surrounded by pale white carnation flowers.

"Kaneki?" My voice croaks and my eyes widen in horror when the sky before me darkens into grey and the entire sky cries tears of blood, soaking the white carnations in red.

An ear- splitting cry followed and my body reacted as I ran to Kaneki who was howling in pain. His kagune exploded from the back of his waist, the scale-like tentacles thrashing wildly around it.

"Kaneki!" I shouted this time, tears stinging my eyes as I tried to dodge the oncoming onslaught of his kagune. I muffled a scream when one of the tentacles grazed me by the shoulder as I dodged another one that was aiming for my chest.

"I-I'm no monster..." His voice cried. When I made it to him, I quickly took him into my arms and assured him that he wasn't one. I assured him that I would be there for him no matter what. He's still Kaneki, the same one I grew up with and nothing will make me stop believing that.

I will accept him for who he is...

"Really?" My body froze when the sound of something being pierced echoed in the now quiet field. My eyes widened when I let Kaneki go and I saw his kagune piercing me in the stomach, the blood flowing out and coating the already crimson soaked ground.

"Huh?" I managed to say before he retracted his kagune and I collapsed to the ground. I looked up in shock, staring right back at Kaneki, his eyes turning to mix of red and black. Almost like he was fully consumed by the ghoul inside of him.Why? He would never hurt me, so why am I lying on the ground and bleeding to death? Why is he looking at me like that? Like I'm something distasteful to him... This isn't him!

Who is this monster?

"I can see it clearly written on your face. A pathetic human could never understand. Monster? Hah! Here you were shouting how I'm the same no matter what and even said you'd accept me for who I am! I can't believe you're such a liar, Ayame-san!" Kaneki chuckled evilly, his eyes mixed with what was akin to disgust and insanity.

"I-I'm not lying! Who are you? You're not him! Kaneki would never hurt me! He values his friends more than anything!" I coughed, blood dripping down my mouth as I tried to get up.That's right, Kaneki could never hurt me nor Hide. That's the kind of person he is. He's stronger than that... I could see Alter-Kaneki laugh even more manically now as he stabbed me again in the stomach and lifted me up.

"How stupid can you be?! Values his friends? He abandoned you both and joined the ghouls! He even said so himself that he'd use the kagune against those doves. Even if he didn't want to kill them, the chances he might is still high. He's already a ghoul, Ayame-san."

"This is why you are so cruel. You refuse his very existence as a ghoul even after you've said that you would accept him no matter what. His ghoul side is his self too but you refuse to see it. How annoying," Alter-Kaneki could only scoff and tossed me across the field.

I'm... a liar? I couldn't accept his other half?

"How disgusting. Even after you admitted that you love him..." Alter-Kaneki could only say as he stared down at my battered body. Even after I've admitted it to myself... I can't believe that I'm so heartless. Am I really nothing but a selfish human being?

To think that time and time again, I always kept telling him that he would always have a place to return. Is this why he had chosen Anteiku over us? Because he knew that all I had been feeding him were the lies he expected?

If that's the case... then I have no right to tell him what I feel. I fear his other side after all, the side that I know nothing about, the side that thirsts for blood and human meat.

"I fear it..." My body shook, fear gripping my heart as I stared at the ghoul before me. I no longer have any right to stand next to him. In this tightrope that I walk on, it is clearly obvious that I have already fallen. I might as well just die if in the end I can't even learn to accept this side of him.

"'Maybe if you became a ghoul then maybe he'd look your way again.' Is what you're thinking, right? Such a stupid question. You've had it in you all along, Ayame-san. All you need is to accept it and let it take control..." Alter-Kaneki grinned evilly.

I immediately screamed in pain after he spoke, it felt as if a hundred needles started bursting forth from my back. My eyes could see nothing but darkness before I collapsed to the ground.

When my vision returned, the bloodied carnations were now replaced by red lilies that started to mix with the irises.

Something that sounded like ripping flesh echoed in the carnage and all I could do was scream for it all to stop.

'Don't forget who you are, Aya...' another voice spoke before I lost consciousness.

--*--

My eyes flew open, my chest taking in ragged breaths and my right hand outstretched as if reaching for something. I closed my hands slowly into a fist as I lowered it and curled myself on the bed. Just a nightmare... there was no way something like that was real and yet...

My body just couldn't stop shaking.

My dream was like an open book terrorizing me with the guilt in my heart. After the events a week ago, you could say that I didn't want to accept it. The idea that Kaneki is now a full-fledged ghoul. I care for Anteiku too, because if it hadn't been for them then I don't know what would have become of my friend but I know deep in my heart that I also harbor a small shard of jealousy towards them.

After he had become a ghoul, it was as if Kaneki had begun to shut us out. Like Hide and I were no longer allowed to follow him. Hide hoped time would fix it but I knew that wasn't case. I tried to take matters into my own hands and yet I couldn't do anything. Nothing changed and Kaneki just drifted farther away from us.

"Where did I even go wrong?" I mutter bitterly to myself. But who am to say that I have the right to care for him? I couldn't even accept this side of him whole-heartedly. I don't have any right to tell him my feelings and it isn't like he'd return those anyway.

He's a ghoul now, no doubt he'd say it's too dangerous or we're in different worlds now... that's just the type of guys he is. Didn't he realize that it also hurts those around him when he tries to act like a martyr?

-*Ring*-

The sound of the doorbell echoed in my room and I groaned as I rolled of my bed, my eyes darting for a bit to the calendar and my eyes widened before I sighed.

"Looks like Hide's fetching me again," I mutter to myself upon realization that I had actually woken up late and that I already missed two of my morning classes. It's been happening a lot lately after the incident with Kaneki. My will to keep on living a normal life felt like it had been dashed on that day we met Rize.

Studies felt like a chore lately, my mind always drifting to Kaneki who I worried for constantly. Hide was kind enough to help me get through most of the work but even then my mind continued to wander. Being pulled into the world of ghouls also unplugged me from the rose-tinted world I lived in. It was hard to get back and it affected me terribly.

Even Kaneki felt distorted in this new reality I ended up in, my dream a reminder that 'normal' is nothing but a different side of a coin.

"I'm coming!" I announce before I adjusted my appearance in front of the mirror and opened my door. My eyes widened in surprise when I saw that it wasn't Hide who greeted me but none other than Uta, his shades blocking what his ghoul eyes were showing.

"How odd to see you here, Uta-san. Shouldn't you be more careful now that the doves are here?" I carefully asked when I welcomed him inside the house. I curiously glanced at the paper bag he placed on the table before he took his seat and I offered him some coffee.

It was careless, I know, to invite a ghoul I barely knew of into my home but the dream just wouldn't stop tormenting me. If I want to prove those delusions false then I should at least try to make an effort to befriend other ghouls more. Besides, Touka trusts Uta so I can trust him too.

"Hiding will only make me more suspicious since ghouls usually cower under the presence of a Dove," he explained before he took the coffee from me with a small thanks.

"I guess they wouldn't think that a ghoul would dare to show their faces in broad daylight... So what brings you here? I doubt it's for a simple chat," I ask and that was when he stopped sipping his coffee and looked at me. I shifted uncomfortably from my spot, knowing full well his eyes were on me.

He may be wearing shades but I know very well that he's scanning as if trying to get a read on my actions. "I came here to hand this to you," he simply said as he handed me a small box that came from the paper bag.

I gave him a curious glance as I took the box and carefully opened it. My eyes stared in awe at the mask that was inside the box. It was simple yet you could tell that Uta's hands have really outdone themselves.

It was as if the mask itself was like a second face that stared back at me, the hollow eyes reading right through my soul. The white half-mask's long pointed ears were decorated in spiraling red and black, the eyes having red eyeshadows that accentuated its narrowness.

Uta-san really did well with this creation of his.

"Kitsune. A free spirit yet loyal friend. A befitting role for you, Ayame-san," Uta pointed out with a small smile as he helped me put on the mask.

A feeling of belongingness engulfed me as I stared at myself in the mirror, the mask a perfect fit as if it had given me a new identity, an identity that made me feel like I was one of them.

'Don't forget who you are, Aya.' Somehow, that voice in my dream resurfaced in my mind. The voice that felt oddly familiar yet I couldn't place a name to the voice that was my only solace in that nightmare.

"It looks good on you. Makes me think that it wouldn't be bad if you had turned into a ghoul... though, if Kaneki heard it, I doubt he'd want you to be one," Uta spoke up, snapping me back to reality and my shoulders sagged at the mention of my friend.

Uta must've noticed the change in my mood because the next thing he asked made me widen my eyes in surprise. "If you're worried about him then you can come with me and deliver his mask," he suggested, the offer too tempting to decline and yet I couldn't… I promised him that I would be patient so forcing myself would just make him worry.

It's like we haven't seen each other in decades and meeting him again so unexpectedly would make things awkward.

Just when did I feel so embarrassed about it?

'Liar,' I could hear Alter-Kaneki's voice whisper in my head as the scene from my dream replayed itself. The hesitation only worsened when I thought to myself that maybe it was because I was afraid.

Afraid that I would see someone else and not him, someone that I feared because that side of him was what was tearing us apart. But if I didn't go... wouldn't I lose him even more? I really am selfish, to think that I had to break so many things just to prove myself and to see him again...

"You're not breaking any promises by going, Ayame-san. Visiting Anteiku as a customer is normal," Uta pointed out as if he had read my inner turmoil.

I understand seeing him is normal but the thought of having to face him with a half-hearted feeling is wrong. I know so well and yet I can't help but want to go... just to see how he's doing, if he's okay and healthy. I also want to see how everyone is doing, if they're all safe and that the doves haven't gotten to them yet.

I also want to see Hinami-chan, how she's faring and if she's eating and getting enough sleep. I want to face her properly too, after all, I did make her hope for something that didn't happen. I have to apologize for hurting her...

What I didn't fear were the ghouls, per se, but the fact that it's because I am a human that I will never be able to understand them and soon grow apart from them. I told them I would learn to understand them better and yet I don't even know the deeper side of them.

"I-I'm going." I finally decided. That's right, when did I become such a coward? Even if Kaneki always told me to stay put, when did I ever listen to what he said? Didn't I promise myself that no matter what, I would learn this new world of his whether he wants to or not.

Anteiku has accepted me as part of them too, right? It's like I'm a family member now so I have every right to worry about my family. Blood isn't the only thing that ties people, it's bonds as well. Mom, Dad and my sister… even if I don't share the same blood with them, they love me nonetheless.

It's the same thing with Anteiku. I can't believe I let something as shallow as jealousy get in the way.

"Give me a moment will you?" I ask Uta politely and quickly prepared myself for our reunion after one week. It may be short but being apart for that long can really take its toll.

Hide isn't the only one who can get lonely too. I decided to message him though, Hide has the right to know this even though he has to pretend not to know anything. I know Kaneki will scold me for this but it isn't like I lied to Kaneki… Hide found out about him even before I could say anything.

I quickly tied my hair into a messy bun after getting changed and hoped to myself that when I get there I would have enough courage to prove my dream wrong.

--*--

"Is there something wrong?" Uta finally asked me as we stood in the front doors of Anteiku. I continued to play with the edge of my cardigan and shook my head but, in truth, my mind was still reeling at the multiple things that could happen if I met up with Kaneki even after he told me to lay low for now.

Would he be mad? Surprised or a mix of both? Ugh, just the idea makes me so nervous that I don't even know what comeback I would say if he tried to scold me for walking in here so carelessly.

"…I…I'm going to…do it…" Muffled voices echoed beyond the door and before I could stop him, Uta quickly opened the door, making me tumble right next to him. My eyes widened at the scene before me and I felt my cheeks turn pink at the sight of Touka-chan and Kaneki about to just… just…

"Huh? Uta-san? Ayame-san?" Touka said nonchalantly and Kaneki's eyes turned to us, his eyes meeting mine in complete surprise.

'Well I guess it is 'surprise' then instead of a mix of both.' I thought to myself as Uta and I continued to stare at the duo. I felt a twinge of something bitter linger in the back of my mind at the sight before recalling their conversation yesterday but I immediately shook my head to dispel those thoughts and told myself to shut up.

I have no right and I have to accept that.

"Sorry," Uta managed to say and was about to take me out with him before Kaneki begged us to stop and that we somehow had gotten the wrong idea.

After he explained his side that was when Uta decided to come in and put the paper bag on the table whereas I took my seat on the chair by the glass window of the shop.

"I finished the masks so I wanted to deliver it as soon as possible. Truthfully, I wanted to have Ayame-san deliver it you since I already gave her her mask but since I took the trouble of leaving already just to hand it over to her house, I decided to head on over here to see you wear it, Kaneki," Uta explained just as Kaneki eyed me worriedly before looking back to Uta-san.

"You mean you went to Ayame-san's house to hand her mask?" Kaneki asked slowly and I immediately gulped upon the realization of where he was getting at.

Uta tilted his head and nodded which all the more made me pale. Since when did the mighty me turn pale at what Kaneki was thinking about this? Since when did I get scared at what he would say to me?

Oh wait…It all started when I began to fall for the guy…

All those bottled up feelings I mistook for thinking he was like a brother to me? I didn't think that Hide of all people would be the one to point it out to me that it was something more than that. I can already see Hide smirking at my obliviousness and I sighed as I fidgeted nervously from Kaneki's worried gaze.

"I think I already said that. Besides, I already ate before I left so I wasn't in the mood to eat her," Uta replied causing my eyes to widen in sync with Kaneki's. Wait, so if he didn't eat before he left then he-

"Uta-san stop teasing them." Touka-chan sighed and I caught a brief glimpse of Uta smiling before he apologized which made me slump back on my chair tiredly.

"But still… just a piece of advice, Ayame-san. Just because Anteiku trusts me doesn't necessarily mean you should trust me too. You should know full well that you are human so it wouldn't hurt to be a bit cautious even if the person visiting was Kaneki-kun," Uta immediately reminded me to which I frowned.

"I understand the risks but I trust Kaneki with my life. We grew up together so I know he won't hurt me," I quickly defended my friend and that was when the memory of the dream invaded my mind, making me second-guess myself after I blurted out my retort.

No, the dream's wrong… Kaneki would never hurt his friends.

"True, but don't forget that the one you grew up with is completely different from the man standing here before you. I think the old wound on your shoulder is proof enough," Uta pointed out and I instinctively covered the old wound with my hand in surprise.

"Hey, wait a minute Uta-san! It's true I may have acted out of control then but staying here in Anteiku helped me control that. I won't hurt any of my friends, human or not." Kaneki defended himself and I saw Uta-san remove his shades as he eyed Kaneki with those ghoul eyes of his.

"That may be the case now but don't forget that for a kagune to use its true potential, those cubes alone are not enough. One way or another you will eat human meat and I wouldn't want to have to hear from Touka-chan that you obtained that power by eating your friend."Uta's answer made me widen my eyes. So if Kaneki ever hopes to defeat a dove, he would have to use the full extent of his kagune, the cubes are not enough so the only way he can defeat them is if he eats... human flesh?

"Kaneki?" I turned to him, hoping to elicit a response but his reaction alone was enough to tell me what he was thinking. I gripped the edge of my cardigan tightly and got up to glare at Uta. No, not now, not when I still haven't said my side yet…

"What on earth was that for?" I suddenly demanded, my glare fixed on Uta as I stood up from my spot. "I understand the concern but please don't predict things when they haven't happened yet. He's got enough self-control after staying here in Anteiku. I apologize for being reckless and I won't let it happen again so please-,"

My voice softened as I controlled the urge not to cry. "Don't give him any more reason to stay away from us,"

I turned away from Uta after saying my piece only to see Kaneki's surprised expression. After all, it's not all the time I'm honest with my feelings but this time it's different. I don't want him to consider this possibility and completely isolate us from him for good.

Even if it means well, I hate that idea. I always admired Kaneki for being able to do anything to protect his friends but this… this is just him being selfish. If he has the right to be a selfish kid then I have the right too! Can't he just for once stop acting heroic and learn to rely on us? I hate seeing Hide's lonely look and I hate seeing Kaneki act like a martyr and tell me I can't do this or that because he's a ghoul!

I'm sick and tired of it and who cares if I'm scared of that side of him. My feelings overthrow that and I would rather die than to lose those bonds.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know you were feeling that," Kaneki managed to say to which I huffed, walked over to him and punched him on the face which took everyone by surprise.

Kaneki stumbled to the edge of the counter as I hoisted him by the collar and gave him the most menacing glare I could manage. I could already imagine Hide chucklinging at how the ape woman's here again when I saw the look of fear and shock on Kaneki's face. If it means beating him up then I would gladly do so to knock some sense into him and get my point across.

"Don't you think for a second that trying to avoid me will solve this, Kaneki Ken. Hide and I suffered one week without your presence so it would do us some good to at least attend classes. Stop pushing us away. Hide may not know the reason why but at least try to remember that you have human friends too. Damn it, stupid tears," I managed to say while trying to allude to them as well that Hide has no clue about Kaneki's circumstances to keep him safe. I rubbed the stupid tears that rolled down my face, cursing inwardly at my pathetic attempt to act like I was mad.

Who am I kidding, after finding out my feelings, it's just hard to stay mad at the guy.

I was about to give him one more round of scolding when I felt something on my head and my eyes widened when Kaneki pulled me in for a hug. I stood frozen at the sudden action, my mind suddenly blank and my cheeks sporting a deep crimson color. His hand continued to pat me on the head making me turn even redder.

"Sorry, I thought that isolating myself from you both seemed the safest way but I guess I overlooked how it would affect you and Hide. Maybe I went about it the wrong way but please try to understand that I was doing it to keep you guys safe. I know apologies may not be enough but-," Kaneki continued to apologize and I stopped him by hugging him back, something we haven't done since we were kids.

I could still feel the heat on my cheeks as I tried to calm my beating heart and sighed. "Did you think Hide and I would stay mad at you? You have reasons and we respect that but please- don't act by yourself to try and fix it. You have to learn to lean on us too, you know. I forgive you but if you try and pull a stupid stunt like trying to keep me away from Anteiku then you're in for a world of hurt." I threatened and I feel his body vibrate as a small chuckle escaped from his lips, making me smile.

"Yeah, I won't make the same mistake."

It's okay… just this once to-,

"So when are you guys going to let go to get Uta to put on Kaneki's mask? " Touka's drawl broke the moment and that was when I realized our situation and I quickly pulled away, my cheeks still a bit pink from embarrassment.

"S-sorry about that," I stutter and pull away, the awkwardness between us getting worse. I coughed to try and gain my composure and apologize for the sudden outburst. I hear Touka scoff and my head flips up to see her smiling at me.

"Nice punch. The guy deserved it, maybe it'll motivate him more to try and gain some muscle." She chuckled and Kaneki turned red in embarrassment.

"I'm not weak! Ayame-san just took me by surprise that's all." He defended wot which she just waved him off and turned to Uta. "Yeah, yeah. So Uta-san, when ya gonna give him the mask?"

Uta wasted no time to pull out the mask and help Kaneki put it on. I watched in fascination as he carefully arranged the mask onto Kaneki's face. The moment he was done, I stared in curiosity as to why he would put the eye patch on the opposite side of his face. I mean, wasn't the purpose of the mask supposed to hide the eyes?

"Sorry but I wanted to see the eye that's usually hidden. That's why I put it on the opposite side of the face," he spoke as if reading my thoughts. Once again, a bitter feeling settled in my stomach at that explanation. It's quite obvious that by wearing that mask-

He was already willing to become a ghoul.

-3rd Person POV-

"Any news on your precious subject, Doctor?" A voice in the shadow asks and Kanou passes the stranger a quick glance before looking back to his piled up papers.

"No development as of yet but I don't plan to give up on him. He is a very important specimen. Besides, I have time to spare since I found a new rat."

"Oh? Do tell," the voice asked, curiosity coating their voice. It wasn't the first time the doctor tried to play God after all but it never stopped them from getting fascinated since he always seemed to surprise them with his new creations.

"A human who possesses an Rc level of a ghoul. Usually such a trait like that would mean that that person could be prone to a new disease spreading around called the 'RC Cell Over-Secretion Disease'. If you must know it is a disease that occurs in 1-3 million people. I was about to give up on the experiment when I found out about it but this new info made me rethink that decision," Kanou explained and that was when he turned the screen towards the visitor which showed a background data of a girl with black shoulder-length hair and violet eyes.

"Fujiko Ayame? Is she your new test subject? How adorable," the voice giggled before Kanou typed something else on the screen and showed it again to the visitor.

"I'm quite surprised that a human family was willing to adopt a half-ghoul into their home. It seems she's like you, though her human-side is more dominant than her ghoul one." Kanou elaborated before the visitor giggles and shakes her head, the bandages giving away to show her left emerald eye that twinkled with sadistic excitement.

"Not really… After all-," she stopped half-way and spun around to take her leave.

"She has yet to see the true meaning of hell…"

-To be Continued-

Here's chapter X guys!Looks like secrets are unraveling one after the other for Ayame. How will these things play out in the upcoming chapters? Tune in for the next chapter and don't forget to favorite and review guys!