Thank you guys for the reviews on the last chapter! I'm so happy when you react like that to what I want to express, you rock!
Chapter 10 :
Intimacy :
The next morning Jane woke up to an empty bed, knowing Maura was probably in the kitchen preparing breakfast she didn't panic. She sat on the edge of the bed cracked her toes on the wooden floor and made her way to the bathroom before joining Maura in the kitchen.
When Jane arrived in the kitchen, there she was, as gorgeous as she could possibly be. Maura always had that aptitude to take Jane's breath away. Every time she would walk into a room her heart would stop beating and she would stop breathing for a second.
"Good morning." Jane finally spoke as she walked towards her.
"Good morning."
"Are these your famous pancakes?" Jane as wrapping her left arm around Maura's waist so naturally that it appeared that they have been dating for ages.
"Yes, my way of thanking you for taking me to bed last night."
"You don't have to thank me, but I'm happy that you made those, I'm starving."
"Please sit, it should only take a minute."
"Alright." Jane nodded removing her arm.
As she felt Jane's arms sliding away Maura suddenly felt empty inside. Jane was only a few feet away but she felt like she was a million miles away. Ever since Jane resurfaced they developed a very tactile relationship probably to compensate the lack of words, and Maura seemed to have develop quite an addiction to that physical contact.
"Here you go. Tell me if you like them, I made some slight changes the recipe." Maura said as she gave Jane two enormous pancakes.
"Alright. I'm sure they're good. Wait a minute, are you going somewhere?You're all dressed up." Jane asked noticing that Maura was wearing a very formal blue dress she usually only wore at work.
"Yes, I'm going to the station to speak with Detectives Frost and Korsak."
"You're leaving me by myself?" Jane mumbled suddenly visualizing herself alone in Maura's big house.
"It will only take a couple of hours I promise. A female officer will stay inside the house with you the entire time while two others will be stationed outside as usual." Maura explained as quietly as possible.
"I don't need a freaking baby sitter Maura!" Jane yelled making Maura freeze on her chair.
"I'm sorry Jane, I just assumed that you would feel more comfortable with someone here while I'm gone."
"I don't want to see anyone, I thought I made myself are you going to the station anyway? Are you thinking about going back to work already?If that's what you want be my guest. I can take care of myself." Jane demanded rising her voice her fists tightly closed at each side side of her plates.
"Jane, would you please calm down, I'm not going back to work, not now, not ever. I'm going there because I needed to see where the investigation was going and I knew you wouldn't feel comfortable having them here." Maura replied her hand on Jane's arm.
"I'm sorry, I just thought…"
"That I was leaving you?"
"Yes, I'm sorry…" Jane replied calming down, feeling so stupid for exploding at Maura's face again for no good reason.
"I'm here to stay Jane, you should know that by now." Maura said holding Jane's hand.
"I thought you changed you mind.."
"What make you say that?Is it because I didn't kiss you last night?"
Suddenly Maura realized that she made have not made the right decision last night. She decline Jane's kiss to show her that she could wait and to proving her how serious she was , but it had the opposite effect on Jane.
"It's stupid, I just thought that you finally realized how screw up I was and that getting involved with me would only hurt you."
"Jane, look at me. I wanted to kiss you so badly, but I want our first kiss to be special. I don't want you to feel forced to kiss me out of gratitude or because you need affection. I want our first kiss to have meaning and I want you to be ready for it."
"I know, I'm sorry it's just…"
"What's wrong? You know you can tell me." Maura asked realizing that there was something else bothering Jane.
"It's embarrassing . It hurts, I mean down there…"
"Oh, I'm sorry to ask you this but can you describe the symptoms ?"
"It burns when I pee or when I shower and it's painful the rest of the time as well when I sit for example."
"Then I think I will go to the station tomorrow, today I'm taking you to my gynecologist, I promise you she's the best."
"No! I don't want anyone to touch me down there."
"I know darling and I promise you I'm going to stay with you and hold your hands but you need to be examined."
"You'll stay with me?"
"If you feel comfortable with me being here, sure. I'm here to support you."
"Alright, I'm not sure I want you to see me like this, I mean going to the gynecologist is never an enjoyable experience but under the circumstances, I'm scared of how I'm going to react..."
"That's why I'm not going anywhere, give me a moment I'm going to call her see if she can squeeze you in today."
While Maura was calling the Doctor's office Jane tried to finish her breakfast thinking that it might be easier if Maura wasn't present during the exam. She remembered how she reacted when the Doctor tried to examine her back at the hospital. She knew that the fact that this one was a woman wouldn't change anything. Jane had always been quite physical, a bit butch some would say, but never violent, but now she felt that she was becoming more and more enraged and violent. The more she was remembering what happened, the more she wanted to explode. She hit Maura once and she would never forgive herself it it happened again. She knew Maura wanted to support her but she also knew that a simple word or a gesture could trigger a flash back and a violent reaction, and she didn't want to impose that to Maura. She didn't want her to be scared of touching her or talking to her because she might have a violent physical reaction. She didn't want the woman she loved living in fear that she could hurt her. After considering it Jane knew the best thing would be to just leave Maura to spare her, but she couldn't, she needed her too much, she knew she would never recover without her. Obviously Jane felt a bit guilty staying with Maura accepting her help knowing that she was going to hurt her again, but she was hoping that someday she could make it up to her.
"So, I have a good news, she can see you in an hour." Maura explained a few minutes later.
"Wow, that's impressive, I have to make appointment 3 months in advance when I need to see mine."
"We went to medical school together, you'll see she's very skilled."
"You went to medical school with her, that' s gross.."
"No, it's not, now please go get change I will drive you."
"I don't know Maura, I haven't been out since you took me home."
"I know, but the world is still the same, it's sunny outside, every thing is going to be fine, I will be there every step of the way."
"Alright then I trust you."
So Maura drove Jane to her gynecologist, she remained quiet during the entire trip, sun glasses on sitting low in her seat.
"Does she know about what happened to me?" Jane asked nervously looking around them as they were siting in the waiting room.
"Yes, she does, please just try to relax." Maura replied her hand on Jane's thigh.
Maura was trying to keep a confident attitude, but she was nervous. She knew and feared what was going to happen. Jane was right, being examined by a gynecologist is never a pleasant experience, but when you've been repeatedly raped and penetrated with foreign objects so violently that it caused vaginal tearing it might turn out to be excruciating and Maura knew that. She hated herself to have to put Jane through this, but as a Doctor she knew what can of irreversible damages an infection or a bad scarred wound could cause in the future.
After a few minutes Maura's gynecologist finally came out.
"Jane, Maura, please come in." She warmly said invited her to enter her office.
As Jane was sitting in front of her, she was holding Maura's hand tight, unable to let it go.
The Doctor was a tall blonde, in her thirties with blue eyes. She was trying her best not to stare at Jane too much and to make her as comfortable as possible.
"So Jane, Maura told me you've been experiencing some pain?"
"Maybe I should go and leave you two alone." Maura offered knowing that Jane might feel uncomfortable describing her pain with her present.
"No please stay, I need you to stay." Jane replied squeezing her hand.
"Alright, I'll stay then."
"Thank you. Yes it burns when I go to the bathroom or when I shower and it's also painful when I sit."
"Alright, I would need to examine you now."
"I don't know...will you be using a speculum?" Jane asked fear in her eyes.
"Yes, but don't worry I will be using a smaller one and I will be as gentle as possible. It's only going to take a few minutes."
"I'm going be right here to hold your hand I promise."
"I know, can you please leave us so I can change?" Jane shyly asked, letting her examine her was one thing but seeing her undress wasn't something she was ready for.
"Sure, you'll find everything you need on the examination table, let me know when you're ready."
So Jane took a deep breath , took off her clothes and lied down on the table, Maura at the side.
"Alright Jane, Can you please lift up your legs. " The Doctor asked as she settled at the end of the table.
Jane didn't object and did what the Doctor asked her to do unable to look at her.
"Please try to relax, I'm going to insert the speculum now, the more you relax the less painful it's going to be."
"Easier said then done." Jane said to herself.
" I' ll be gentle I promise." The Doctor said preparing her speculum.
"Just hold my hand and look at me, just focus on me. " Maura said sitting next to Jane holding her hand, trying to make her focus on her rather then on what was going to happen.
"Alright." Jane nodded as she felt the speculum at the entrance of her vagina.
"Here we go Jane, just breath." Dr tall blonde instructed as she inserted the speculum as delicately as possible.
"It hurts, please stop." Jane begged squeezing Maura's hand as she felt the long and cold object thrusting inside her.
"Please try to stay still, it won't take long."
"Jane, look at me, I'm here, I love you so much and I'm so proud of you."Maura whispered holding Jane's hand tight looking at her straight in the eyes, seeing the distress and pain .
As she Doctor was examining her Jane had to fight so hard not to scream and cry. She couldn't bear the idea of anything or anyone penetrating her. Even if the Doctor was gentle having the speculum inside her made her relive the abuse she endured : every time he raped her with a bottle or another object. She knew the Doctor wasn't here to hurt her, but the pain was the same . She was trying to focus on Maura's beautiful face and that what was calming her down.
Maura tried to keep it together as well, seeing Jane being violated like that even if it was for her own good was excruciating. Looking at her Maura saw how physically broken she was and knew that having an intimate relationship with her was going to challenging, but she didn't care, all she needed to be intimate with her was to hold her hand and have her in her arms.
"Alright Jane, I'm all done, just breath while I'm pulling it out."
"Alright."
As she pulled the object out Jane started to cry, it was over, it was finally over.
"I'm going to give you a few minutes." The Doctor said as she pulled out her gloves.
"I'm so proud of you baby, you're so brave." Maura said as she was helping Jane to sit up on the table.
"Please tell me I won't have to go through this ever again."
"I can't do that Jane, I hope it won't be necessary, but I can't promise it, I' m sorry." Maura replied kissing her forehead.
Maura didn't want to lie to Jane, the truth was she was hoping she would never have to face this again, but changes were she might have to be examined again if the pain didn't stop after treatment.
A few minute later Jane was dressed up, she had difficulties walking and her eyes were like empty from any kind of emotion, she was lifeless walking like a zombie.
"So, Jane, the good news is, I didn't saw no sign of infection, but the vaginal tearing and lacerations you suffered from aren't healed yet. It's going to take some time for you to heal completely. I'm going to prescribe a cream that should help alright?"
"Thank you Maria." Maura replied knowing that Jane was in no condition to talk at the moment.
Right after the appointment Maura drove Jane home. Jane remained as silence as earlier, but this time it was different. Looking at her, Maura felt like Jane wasn't really with her, like she was lost somewhere, almost catatonic. She hated herself for doing that to her, but she knew she had no choice, Jane needed to be properly examined.
As they arrived home Jane instinctively went upstairs and crawled in bed in fetal position, unable to talk.
Maura knew that talking was useless, that she probably wouldn't be able to hear her. So she crawled in bed with her hold her tight until Jane was ready to talk.
Jane stayed there as closed to Maura as she could trembling, unable to talk.
About an hour later Jane finally seemed to be back to reality.
"How are you feeling?"
"It hurt so bad when she was inside of me, I just..." Jane said moving away from Maura.
"It's okay Jane. You can let it out now." Maura replied settling on her side to face Jane.
"I don't want to cry Maura, I'm just so angry. I think I've wanted to be with you for so long and now that you're here with me and that we finally admitted our feeling, I just can't be with you, we can't be together."
"We are together Jane. I'm here with you and I'm not going anywhere."
"But I'll never be able to…."
"Jane look at me, I wish that you'd stop thinking about this. Intimacy is far more important for me then sex. What matters is that you're here with me. You're starting to trust me enough to talk to me, you let me hold you at night, you let me comfort you when you're scared, you let me take care of your wounds. You trust me Jane. That's what I call intimacy and that all I want and need, trust me." Maura murmured gently stroking Jane's cheek with her thumb moving dangerously closer to her.
"For now it's enough, but it won't be for ever." Jane grunted avoiding eye contact.
"Jane, please look at me."Maura insisted cupping her face with her hand.
At that precise moment Maura looked deep inside Jane big brown eyes and she could see herself. Suddenly everything became very clear. She knew that being here with Jane supporting her, helping her to find what she had lost was what she was meant to do. At first she didn't know if she had the strength or the ability to help her, but she took it on her to do her because Jane needed her. Now for the first time she finally realized that she could help her, that she had it in her to be what Jane needed and that Jane was still indeed the woman she felt in love with, no matter how broken she was .
"I love you Jane, you're always going to be enough for me." Maura whispered before leaning a short but intense kiss on Jane's shaking lips.
Feeling Maura's lips against her Jane felt overwhelmed. She had been fantasizing about this moment for so long that she thought it would never come. Maura lips were as sweet and tasteful as she had imagined them. By kissing her like that Maura was again reaffirming her love and devotion for her, but instead of feeling reassured, Jane felt scared because she knew she might never be able to give Maura what she truly wanted and deserved. But for now she had to learn to appreciate every single moment of happiness she could live, hoping that someday she could be the woman Maura felt in love with.
Jane wanted to kiss her back or to say something, but she couldn't she was paralyzed, overwhelmed and also grateful to have someone that loved her as much as Maura did. For the first time Jane started to believe that maybe some day she would get better, she had a reason to fight and survive now.
Maura could feel Jane was overwhelmed by her sudden display of affection, she was shaking and was unable to talk, but it didn't matter. They were together, holding each other and it felt like the world around them didn't exist , like the earth had stopped spinning. Their relationship was so symbiotic that they didn't need to talk to know how the other felt. Maura was hoping that Jane wouldn't panicked later after realizing that kissing was a serious step for them. Even if she was eager to kiss her over and over she knew that Jane was far from being ready to make out, but she didn't care they were together and it all that mattered...
So guys, I know this chapter isn't good as the last one, don't know what happened. I wanted them to kiss and I wanted it to be special and to mean something, not to be just a random kiss. By kissing Jane after seeing her vulnerable and hurt Maura showed her that no matter how broken she was she still loved her...
As always reviews as always welcome... I don't have a plan for this story but I hope I will succeed to keep you interested.