CHAPTER 9:

DEUS EX MACHINA, BITCH!

I looked over at Nakayama, and then Jack/Nisha. God, I need a good name for those two. The Diabolic Duo? Bitch and Bastard?

Diabolic Duo it was.

Wearily, but knowing that too much snarkery would get me hurt, I said, "How's life as a crime against nature, guys?"

"Truthfully?" Nisha said, talking for the first time since I met her mashed up with Jack. "It sucks."

"Now, now, Nisha," Jack said. "You could have been fused with someone worse."

"Like who?"

"Claptrap."

"…Fair point." I saw her eyes go over to Nakayama, and they seemed to silently add, Or this guy.

"Yeah, well, you know what they say, Nisha," Jack said. "Two heads are better than one."

"Yeah, but having one's organs and limbs mashed together ain't no picnic. And don't get me started on the genital situation."

"Yes, please don't," I said. "Please don't go there." I already had enough nightmare material to last me for the rest of my life. I didn't need any more.

"Fine," Jack said. "I ain't liking it any more than you are, babe. I mean, that's what I get for using that anti-respawn gun before it's out of beta-testing." He scratched his head. "Ah well. Might as well make the most of it. So, Dick, how's things going?"

"Fine enough," I muttered. "We were making our way through Torgue's little tournament. Had a chat with a couple of old acquaintances of yours, actually."

"What, that traitorous dyke bitch Athena and her slutty Elpis-trash girlfriend?" Jack sneered.

I rolled my eyes. "Well, yes, though I'd rather have them at my side than not. But actually, I was talking about the Watcher. And Zarpedon."

It was probably a mistake to mention either, and especially Zarpedon, to Jack. The Watcher was an unknown quantity, to be sure, but I also knew from Athena's stories that Jack had killed Zarpedon himself.

The man himself chuckled derisively. "Zarpedon? I blew that bitch's brains out on Helios Station."

"Staying dead doesn't seem to happen a lot here, does it?" I asked.

"Which makes it almost interesting," came a rather posh, lilting tone. A woman stepped into view, dressed in a sapphire-blue outfit that seemed somewhere between the aristocratic jacket of a socialite, and the costume of a big game hunter. Her face was haughty and proud and tanned, her dark hair having a single white stripe in it.

I had never met the woman before, but I had seen a picture, pocked with dart holes, in the possession of her brother, who had become one of my friends. And judging by the sniper rifle on her back, she may very well have been the one to shoot me.

"Lady Hammerlock, I presume?" I said. "Forgive me for not doffing my hat or bowing. I have no hat, and I am currently physically incapable of bowing."

"That is fine by me, darling," she said, the term of endearment sliding off her tongue with a marked lack of sincerity. "It was a pleasure to shoot you."

LADY AURELIA HAMMERLOCK AS

THE HUNTRESS

Low Boredom Threshold. High Bank Balance.

"You were aiming for Angel," I scowled.

"Ah, and you performed your noble act of supreme sacrifice. That was rather touching. A shame that I couldn't get another shot in before Athena began returning fire. And your girlfriend was given a sniper rifle. I have to say, she is rather skilled with it. Not to mention calling the wrath of Zeus on me. I don't know how many times I nearly got hit by lightning."

"Good thing you didn't get hit," Jack murmured. "The little bitch did it to me, and it hurts like a motherfucker."

"And she was holding back," I said. "The first few people she did it to got gibbed."

"Astounding," Nakayama murmured. "Electrokinesis within a Siren."

Noticing his genuine scientific curiosity, I decided to indulge the weasel-like scientist. Not because I genuinely wanted to help him, but if I got any brownie points with him, it might help me escape. "I think it's because her Phase-shift involves electricity manipulation at a sub-atomic level and with great precision. Substitute precision for power, and that's what you get."

"Fascinating," Nakayama muttered. He shook his head sadly. The ratty little fucker was actually pitying me. I thought he hated me after I had gone all Sci-Zone on his scrawny arse. "Oh, Dr Snyder, why did you not continue working for Jack?"

"Because Jack decided to have me killed when Angel contacted me." I indicated the Diabolical Duo with my head. "It's all on Comstock over there(1)."

"Huh?" Nakayama asked. Obviously, that reference went over his head.

"He's just bitter because I went a little overboard in protecting my daughter," Jack sneered.

"A little overboard would be you beating the crap out of me personally," I muttered. "But trying to have me murdered? Yeah, that gets you in the Big Book of Disproportionate Retribution. Actually, you'd have a pretty big entry in that book." I sighed, and looked up at the ceiling. "Where did Uncle John go?"

"I'm right here, Dick," Jack said.

"No…I don't know when Uncle John died, but it had to be before putting his daughter in a bloody cage." I looked at the others present. Lady Hammerlock, Nakayama, and Nisha, her head next to Jack's. "This is the man you're following. A man willing to all but chain up his own fucking daughter like an animal. Tell me, how does it make him any better than the bandits he hates?"

It was Lady Hammerlock who replied first. "He's more interesting than a bandit. Besides, that is the way of the universe."

"True enough," Nisha said. "We do this sort of thing for fun."

I didn't fail to notice Nakayama looking a little uncomfortable. I didn't doubt that he would experiment on me, especially if Jack did so, but to see qualms on his face was something.

Not enough, though. I don't know whether I was going to kill him, or just break his kneecaps and deliver him to Blake. Or maybe bring him to Sanctuary, and see what happened.

I closed my eyes. They had taken my ECHO, so Angel couldn't contact me. So unless they decided that Nakayama was responsible, they might have a hard time tracking me down. Of course, unless Jack had covered his tracks, Angel might be able to trace my resurrection through the New-U system, or else Lady Hammerlock's journey through the Fast Travel system.

We had to be in Aegrus, because that was where Nakayama was supposed to be. But how could the others track me down?

It was as I mused that I heard a voice speak to me. A not unwelcome voice. Help is coming. Just wait a moment.

Sighing, I opened my eyes. "So…am I to be bait, or your new torture doll, or what?" I asked, wearily.

"Y'know, I haven't really decided," Jack said. "I wanted Aurelia here to get Angel. Don't get me wrong, you're a good consolation prize, but I kinda wanted Angel here, to help me take back Hyperion. So, bait's pretty good…" But then, a vicious grin split his already malformed face. "But who's to say you can't be both?"

"He does like to hear himself talk, doesn't he?" Zarpedon remarked, appearing, standing next to me, crossing her arms.

"Yeah, it's a medical condition," I said, not caring whether they could see her or not.

"Wait, what?" Jack said. "What's a medical condition?"

"You liking to hear yourself talk." I indicated with my head where Zarpedon was standing. "Zarpedon was just talking to me."

"Do you need to tell the malformed megalomaniac that I'm here?" Zarpedon asked, rolling her eyes.

"Eh, it's fun to watch their reactions," I said. And it was true, the four of them were gaping at me stupidly. "I'm about to get tortured, might as well get as much fun out of it while I can."

"That's a…strange way of putting it," Zarpedon said. "Not an unsound strategy, mind. Especially under the circumstances. If I was still in Dahl, I'd be recommending it as a strategy to withstand torture."

"I think you'd have been laughed out of the office, Zarpedon."

"True."

Aurelia looked at Nisha and Jack. "You told me that you had managed to suppress his little condition of his. Is he going insane anyway?"

"This has nothing to do with the Sci-Zone," Nakayama said. He indicated a monitor near my bed. "His brainwave patterns are changing. As if there was another one there."

"So, what, you're saying that Dick is telling the truth? That he's sharing skull-space with Colonel Whackjob?" Jack asked.

By the way, I have found your music player and ECHO device, the voice from earlier said. What would be appropriate for heralding my arrival?

Track 132, I said. Out loud, I said, "Yeah. So?"

"Put her on the line," Jack said. "I wanna have words with her."

I looked at Zarpedon, who sighed. "This is not going to end well," she muttered. "Okay, don't panic when I take over."

"Fine," I said, before I tried to relax and let her take control. It was harder than I thought. I all but fought against the sensation of someone taking over my body, feeling my muscles move in unfamiliar ways, before I managed to let go.

It was an eerie sensation to have no control as Zarpedon moved my head to look at Jack, and say, with my voice, but her distinctive intonation, "Hello, Jack. And Nisha. And Lady Hammerlock. I would say that it's a pleasure, but you and I know that that's a lie. Just out of curiosity, which of you delivered my last ECHO to Brittania?"

"Eh, that was Athena and Tim," Nisha said. "They were always the sentimental type, you know. Frankly, it were up to me, I'd have shot the damn thing full of holes."

"Then it's a good thing you didn't," Zarpedon said. "I've seen this tormented young man's memories. You disgust me, Jack. What you did to your daughter…"

Suddenly, Jack lunged forward, and slapped me. Even with someone else at the wheel, getting slapped still hurt. "Oh, don't you dare talk to me about that, Little Miss 'Blow Up the Moon and Kill Everyone on Elpis and Pandora'!"

"I do dare," Zarpedon said. "By your actions, Jack, you may have condemned the entire human race to a war it isn't ready for yet! I tried to warn you, but you shot me."

"Yeah, well, one, I was bored of your bullshit, and two, you killed people left, right, and centre when you took over Helios. Oh, and three, I don't care. War is coming? Great, I get to do a bit of war profiteering! Well, once I'm back in charge of Hyperion. And if not, well, the universe can go burn, as far as I am concerned."

Suddenly, the sound of oriental instruments began playing. Zarpedon, knowing what was coming, released control over me, and I was back. "Hey, what's that music?" Jack asked.

"What, that? The Oriental Mix of Clash on the Big Bridge, as used on Final Fantasy XIII-2," I said.

"But why is it playing?" Jack asked, before suddenly, the door to the laboratory burst open, and a very welcome figure came through.

"Because he asked me to play it," the Watcher said, before raising a hand. A shockwave sent the four people (well, two people and a fused freak that used to be two people) present sprawling.

"Deus ex machina, bitch!" I yelled, even as the Watcher cut through the straps holding me down.

It helped me to my feet, and then said, "Run. I will hold them back." It handed me my weapons and my ECHO device, along with my music recorder. "Your friends are coming."

I didn't need to be told twice. "You can hold them off, right?" I asked as I scrambled for the door.

"Do you need to ask?" it asked, as it used its halberd to parry an attack from Jack and Nisha.

"I killed a lot of you freaks!" Jack snarled, "I can kill you too!"

"You can try, Jack," the Watcher taunted, as I took that as my cue to flee.

I later learned that I was in Ardorton Station, a former Dahl facility taken over by Hyperion in Aegrus. Of course, I was not in the mood to deal with geographical nomenclature.

Of course, running through the half-abandoned facility meant that I was sure to attract attention, and soon enough, I found myself confronted by, well, savages.

I won't bore you of the battles that followed. I was amazed I managed to get through all those intact, fleeing for my life. Of course, I noticed a few were wearing Handsome Jack masks, so I got an idea. Every time I saw them, I yelled, hoping they would understand me, "Jack's in trouble! Go help him!" That worked surprisingly more times than I thought it would. It certainly helped me cut down on ammo wastage, never mind cutting down on killing people.

It was when I got to a meadow leading out of the station that my luck ran out. Not because of the savages, but because I had the misfortune to encounter a lot of Boroks. Four-legged beasties with vicious teeth and jaws. It was my first time encountering them, and when one of them screamed, skittering forward, ready to eat me, I thought it'd be my last.

Until with a cry, one of the savages appeared from out of nowhere, and shot the thing expertly with a shotgun. With a triumphant howl, he shot the other Boroks, and then turned to me, and started speaking to me in his guttural language, his dark eyes peering at me over a filthy bandanna-like cloth with a crude picture of a skull on it. I didn't know what the hell he was saying. For all I knew, he was either commenting on the weather, exulting over his kill, or saying I had pissed my pants.

"I'm sorry, I don't speak your language," I said, doubtful of whether he would understand me.

"Oh, that's cool," the guy said, his voice still guttural, but speaking rather casual English. "I speak English. Why are you running from Ardorton Station?"

"Because a dickhead wants to kill me," I said.

"Any particular one? I mean, a lot of the guys here are dickheads."

"Does the name Jack mean anything to you?"

I saw the man's expression darken. For a moment, I cursed, realising I may have dissed the guy's god. "Yeah," he said. "And you'd better not say that out loud. A lotta people here, they think the guy is a god. Of course, he ain't the only one around here."

"…What's your opinion of him?"

The savage, surprisingly, gave a shrug. "Eh, the guy's a dickhead. Plus, he's ugly, and around here, that's saying something. Look, you wanna get away from him? That's cool. I'll help. And it's dangerous in these parts."

I had no reason to trust him. But he was right. Aegrus was dangerous, and trekking through jungles and swamps would be easier with someone who knew where everything was. Resigned to the possibility that this was a trap, I sighed, and said, "All right, Mr…?"

"No mister. Just Thirstblood."

THIRSTBLOOD AS

THE HUNTER

Not-So-Noble Savage

"Of course you are. Well, lead the way, please."

Thirstblood proved to be a very competent guide. Not only that, but he was well-versed on the wildlife of Aegrus in a way many qualified zoologists would envy. I was certain that if he and Sir Hammerlock ever met, the two would be chatting away for days.

Of course, the man would then casually mention that he ate his own mother, or something else along those lines. I had no doubt he was telling the truth, but I was also sure he threw those things out mainly to get a reaction out of me.

My ECHO device was damaged, too. The GPS system worked fine enough, but the comms system no longer worked. So I couldn't call up Angel, at least for the time being.

We came to a village high above a swamp. Thirstblood vouched for me to the guards, who nonetheless strived to give me the evil eye. As we progressed, I heard chanting above. "What's happening?"

"Oh, they're worshipping another god. Said to be the apostle of Jack." He jerked his thumb over at an idol we were passing that looked very familiar.

Rhomboid in shape…with a green, glowing eye that seemed to pierce into your soul…

I didn't know whether to be elated, or frightened. "I've met that one, actually."

"You have? Eh, figures. Some of us are part-timers. You know, going in for the whole 'be a savage' experience. It's apparently a pretty lucrative trade(2). Me, I was born and raised here, but I know better than to think something's a god just 'cause it's new and bizarre. Anyway, a couple of them told me what he is. He's a bit annoying, but he's entertaining, I guess."

We took an elevator up to the top of a mountain, where a group of savages were bowing before a hut in the middle of a sort of village square. "The god lives in there," Thirstblood said. "It's about time for his twice-daily appearance."

"I'm surprised he doesn't stay out for more adulation, knowing him," I murmured, as Thirstblood escorted me forward.

As we approached, the door of the hut opened, and a most extraordinary apparition emerged. Rhomboid and yellow in shape, with a single, glowing green eye, with a horned headdress on top. But there was no mistaking who it was.

"Hey, what's up, Doc?" Claptrap yelled.

CLAPTRAP AS

THE FRAGTRAP

Hasn't Got a God Complex As Much as a God Simple

I sighed. For better or for worse, Claptrap may very well be the only ally I had in the area. I made my way through the crowd of savages and approached the robot, knowing he was my best chance for staying alive in Aegrus…

CHAPTER 9 ANNOTATIONS:

Don't worry! This fic is still alive! Sorry, I had other fics to worry about. And it was a bit hard writing this chapter. Please don't be offended if it takes a while for the next one to come up.

BTW, keep an eye out for my Ballad of Ricky and Angel AU soon, Zagreus' Song. And I'm considering a new Borderlands fic, a crossover. Details later.

Hope you enjoyed my intros of Thirstblood (who will be a more prominent character in my story than he is in the game, where he's a mission provider) and Claptrap.

1. Having just played through all of BioShock Infinite, I noticed a lot of parallels between Comstock and Jack, as well as Elizabeth and Angel. I actually came to this epiphany while writing this scene.

2. In the fifth Headhunter DLC for Borderlands 2, you see advertisements for this. And one of the savages berates Hammerlock for calling him a savage, saying he has a degree.