A/N: Exam week! I finally finished and survived, and for the most part I'm fully intact. So with that tiny bit of stress off my shoulders, I'm going to celebrate by posting two chapters today instead of one. As this chapter right here is pretty long, that should keep you guys interested/satisfied until tomorrow's update.
IMPORTANT NOTE! -- This chapter is written in two different time periods, the one set right after the previous chapter and the one right after Buffy and Angel had their moment. All the text written in normal takes place after Chapter 8, and everything in ITALICS (minus song lyrics, of course) takes place right after the B/A moment.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Winter Song
Chapter 9: Virgin State of Mind
There's a chair
In my head
On which I used to sit
Took a pencil and I wrote
The following on it:
Now there's a key where my wonderful mouth used to be
Dig it up
And throw it at me
Dig it up
And throw it at me
Where can I run to?
Where can I hide?
Who will I turn to?
Now I'm in
A virgin state of mind
Got a knife to disengage
The void that I can't bear
To cut out words I've got written
On my chair
Like: do you think I'm sexy?
Do you think I really care?
Can I burn the mazes I grow?
Can I?
I don't think so
"Virgin State of Mind" by K's Choice (Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Album)
Xander didn't know how he knew, but he knew as soon as he saw Buffy the next morning.
It wasn't like she was screaming it at the top of her lungs, or looked all that different. There was just a new way of carrying herself, a look in her eyes. It was there for him to see and understand, even though he didn't want to, even though all he wanted was to ignore the unwelcome knowledge. But he, Buffy and Willow had resolved to spend more time together since the big day, and so every time he saw her it was like a fiery script scrolling across her eyes:
I Slept With Angel.
Xander spent part of that morning in the bathroom, and he didn't come out for a long time.
***
How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?
Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Things had been weird at first, after the "Coming-Out" day. Buffy and Willow seemed to want to talk about it but also to not want to talk about it if he didn't want to talk about it, so they stepped on eggshells whenever conversation went into date territory or boys. Which, with Buffy and Willow, it usually did.
This had annoyed Xander – when he'd told them it had been a horrifying, terrifying moment of free fall, but when he'd hit the bottom he'd hit it with Buffy and Willow's support right at the bottom, and that day of coffee, donuts, jokes, and bad television at Spike's. It had been like part of the pressure that had been building behind his eyes like a migraine since that fateful night that he'd met Angel had eased.
Sure, he still couldn't speak in full sentences to Angel, and things were still weird with Buffy whenever she talked about Angel, and he couldn't tell his parents and now things were more strained than ever at home, and every time Cordelia passed him in the hall she gave him a superior smirk and made sure to talk to him, and he had to talk back lest she follow through on her threat and tell everyone.
But still, telling them had been a relief. He didn't want to spoil that by having him being gay be a hazard zone in topics of conversation. So the next time they'd gone to the Bronze, urged on by Spike, Xander had sat up in the middle of conversation and pointed at Percy West and said "If he wasn't such a grade-A jerk he'd be really, really cute."
Well, that had frozen everything, until Willow grinned big enough to light up the Bronze and said "It's taken you this long to notice this? What kind of gay guy are you?"
"I'm confused, remember?" Xander said with a big grin, and that had Buffy and Spike cracking up. Since that little icebreaker, the conversations had lightened up considerably. Of course, now every time Percy passed them in the halls all three of them started laughing and the jock got a confused and irritated look on his face, but still, worth it.
He'd been surprised when Tara came up to him after church group the following Wednesday and said, "You know, if you ever want to talk about your parents, I'm free on Thursday nights."
Tara was wearing a pair of blue jeans and a blue turtleneck and she looked more confident, relaxed, and comfortable than he'd seen her since he'd met her. She met his gaze directly and she didn't stutter once. He thought seriously about her offer. Since Tara had started hesitantly dating Willow, she had been a little more open with Xander whenever they spoke after meetings, and he never caught the sad, almost fearful haze that went over her eyes when her family's pickup truck pulled up to the church to get her.
Tara McClay was pretty much a prisoner in her own house; the women always were in her family. She washed dishes and scrubbed floors and did the laundry. She also put up with constant misogynistic verbal abuse from her father and her brother. Her mother had died of illness when Tara was very young, but her mother had been the one to talk to her about liking girls and how even though her family told her that it was God's will that she be servile, God loved her equally and one day she'd be free. Tara treasured the memory of her mother more than anything.
It made Xander burn with rage at the thought of anyone mistreating poor, sweet, defenseless Tara, and then hiding behind religion to get away with it. Yeah, the Bible talked about that – more than 3,000 years ago! Still, Tara had already been accepted to a very good art school for her poetry and drawings, and she had enough money saved up that as soon as she turned 18 she was leaving and never returning to her family. Willow and Tara were planning on rooming together when they went off to their separate colleges. They didn't talk about each other much but it was clear to any fool that they were both head over heels for each other and falling deeper every day. Xander had never seen anyone complete each other the way Willow and Tara did, and it was nearly enough to bring tears to his eyes.
"I think…that I'm not sure where I am there. I need some time, Tare," he said softly. She nodded in understanding and surprised him by giving him a fierce hug.
"They still love you, Xander. No matter what, in some way, even if it gets twisted, every parent loves their child," she whispered in his ear, and then she was picking up her shoulder bag and heading out the door. Tears filled his eyes and he blinked them away furiously. No matter how she was treated, Tara still believed that as firmly as she believed that God loved them all, no matter what.
"Why are you wearing a turtleneck, Tara?" he asked with an attempt at humor. To his great, pleased surprise, she turned red as the setting sun.
"Sh-shut up!" she said, but the stuttering was from laughing, and for once Tara had a smile on her face as she climbed into her father's truck.
That night Xander had done the dishes for his mother and prepared his father's notes without saying a word to them, gave the startled pair a fierce hug and then went to bed.
Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye
***
It had been Buffy's birthday the night before, he remembered dully. Surprise!
***
I give you good advice; you just ignore
The truth at any price is more than you can afford
But when you're not doing too well
I'll be here, here for you still
A little bit longer
Brokenhearted
Won't you come back to me?
You're so brokenhearted
I'll fix yours for free
Brokenhearted (brokenhearted)
Won't you come back to me?
Spike had been great – he'd offered to take Xander out to a gay bar, of course, and even offered a fake ID. Xander, horrified, had refused, only to realize that Spike was laughing at him. He let Xander come over and talk whenever he wanted, and Xander had a feeling that Spike looked forward to unloading on Xander just as much as Xander enjoyed unloading on him.
"I can't believe you've not even kissed anyone before," Spike said one day, shaking his head sadly.
"Well, there hasn't been anyone…uh…shut up," Xander said, red faced.
Spike had just laughed and called up for Chinese food.
Xander, Willow and Buffy hung out with Spike just as often as they hung out with each other. Every once in a while Angel or Drusilla or both of them would be there, too. Xander found himself unconsciously treasuring the times when Angel was there, looking forward to seeing him, disappointed when he wasn't there.
Angel wasn't so much into PDA, which was fine with Xander. He did sit with Buffy sometimes, but he was uncomfortable in large groups so he didn't contribute to conversation much. This was exactly the opposite of Drusilla, who contributed to conversations too much.
"I had my first tail run today!" she announced, ridiculously excited one night. Xander, Buffy, Willow and Tara were in the living room while Spike and Angel had an argument about the stove in the kitchen. From the sounds of it Spike was winning out of sheer stubbornness; sure enough Angel stomped out of the kitchen a moment later and said "Fine! But when you blow us all up, I'm not paying for the repairs!"
"Poof!" Spike had sneered out, and set to work. When Drusilla swanked in they all watched her. Sure enough, she was dressed in a designer trench coat and a pair of dark sunglasses.
"Huh?" Angel asked after a moment.
"We had this big fat bastard walk in and say, 'Well, I think me wife's cheatin' on me,'" Drusilla said, dramatically stripping the coat off, her cockney accent getting more pronounced as she told her tale. She was born for performance. "I thought, 'if you look like that in your clothes I shudder to think of what you look like out of your clothes,' but I says 'What do you want us to do about it?'"
"So, he pays us $1000 dollars to track his frumpy li'l woman as she drives up to Oxnard and throws herself into her whiskey at the Fabulous Ladies' Night Club, complete with male strippers!" she said ecstatically.
"Eww!" Buffy said. "I've been there!"
They all stared at her.
"You've been there?" Angel asked curiously. She flushed as Xander and Willow started giggling.
"Sixteenth birthday, weird party, I don't want to talk about it," Buffy said. "Does anyone smell something burning?"
"Damn it!" Spike and Angel yelled, and hared off toward the kitchen just in time to catch whatever Spike had chucked in the oven before it burst into full-blown flames. Xander was sure he wasn't the only one thankful for the fact that it had blown up; Spike couldn't be called a gourmet chef any more than the Smurfs could be called terrorists.
He was also sure that he wasn't the only one who noticed how angry Drusilla had been that Angel's eyes weren't fixed on hers, or the tortured hunch in Angel's shoulders when he didn't meet Drusilla's gaze. He put it out of his mind, though.
Life gives us both a chance; an equal vote
And it's just the circumstance if it all goes up in smoke
***
From what Xander could gather, it had been a night of absolute bliss. Angel was amazing and attentive and caring in bed, and he'd gone slowly to make sure that Buffy didn't feel any pain. Every word was like a knife in his gut, burned like acid in his gullet. He didn't know whether to feel worse for Buffy or for himself, especially when Buffy told Willow that Angel had been odd after it had happened – not mean or anything but distant, as if dwelling on something else, something painful.
He knew, of course, exactly what Buffy was talking about, because of that night, but he could never tell Buffy or anyone about that.
Never.
***
I'm so tired of being here
I'm suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
And you still have
All of me
Xander was supposed to wait in the apartment for Spike to get back from the Bronze that night. Buffy was at the mall with her mother and Willow was spending some time with her parents. Xander hadn't wanted to go home after Church on Wednesday, so instead he'd called Spike. Spike said he had some DJ stuff to take care of at the Bronze, so he'd sent Xander to the apartment. Spike had sounded very stressed out, but Xander knew enough to not ask why. Spike would tell him if he wanted to tell him.
So, when Xander walked in to see Angel sitting on the couch, with no shirt on, cradling a beer in his big hand, he'd frozen like a deer in headlights. Angel didn't look up when he walked in so he had a moment to stare. Angel was gorgeous in the dim lights, brooding, soulful, intense, his beautiful face twisted as he took a sip off the longneck. Xander watched his powerful throat work and he followed his eyes down Angel's chest, to the broad shoulders and defined, pale muscles, the wine-dark nipples that were so perfect and the faint traces of a six pack that led down to a small trail of hair below his bellybutton.
Xander had an aching, a longing so intense he shuddered to taste that chest, pull those lips to his and see what Angel tasted like, follow his mouth down the chest and see where that trail led to…Angel was so beautiful that it hurt and Xander couldn't help the wounded sound that escaped his mouth. Angel started and squinted up at Xander at the door and Xander felt his face flame like starfire.
"I'm sorry!" he said quickly, forcing his eyes away before he blurted out everything he was feeling. "I'm sorry, Spike said to wait for him and I never thought, god, I'm sorry—" He was babbling like Willow with a systemful of caffeine and he didn't register that Angel was moving as he backed toward the door. "I'm sorry, I'll just—" Angel cut him off with a hand to his mouth.
Angel's fingers were rough, Xander thought, and shuddered. How could one person affect his entire body, his heart, his mind like this?! This was insane!
"It's okay," Angel said softly. His breath smelled like alcohol but also like mint from a toothbrush; he wasn't drunk, which had Xander relieved. The very few times that his father had broken and taken the bottle up for a night had made for very bad memories in Xanderland. "Come in."
He led Xander to the couch and genially patted the cushion next to him. That was of course the very last place on earth that Xander wanted to be, but he decided to just go with it. He figured that he was here at this exact time for a reason, so he whispered a prayer to God that She'd help him do what he needed to do here and sat down next to Angel.
He felt his entire right side shiver and stand up with electricity at Angel's closeness and wondered about the wisdom of his decision.
"How are you, Xander?" Angel said unexpectedly. His big, beautiful dark eyes were staring at Xander, penetrating, intense. He understood now, fully, what Buffy had said about how sometimes having that intensity focused on you was unsettling. "I mean, with your parents – Buffy and Spike told me, and…well, how are you?"
He seemed to genuinely care, and for some reason Xander found himself telling Angel what he couldn't tell Tara. "I'm terrified," he whispered. His voice was as quiet as Angel's and their eyes weren't leaving each others. "I'm so afraid that they'll find out. I don't know what they're going to do; my father might disown me and my mom would never speak to me again…God, I don't know what to do!" he whispered desperately.
"I'm sorry," Angel said. "I can't imagine how that must feel – I mean, with your father and mother being who they are. I remember when I had to tell my da about…about something and he reacted badly. It's rough." His voice was twisted with that pain that was always there, and Xander wanted to know what it was that Angel was running from, wanted to soothe it out of him. Angel was too beautiful, inside and out, to live with that.
"What's your family like?" Xander asked. Angel smirked and finally looked away, taking another swig of beer.
"We grew up in ol' Galway, 'bout three miles from Dublin," Angel said, his eyes and his memories a thousand miles away. His voice thickened with Irish brogue and Xander shuddered at the lilt. "Me mam took care o' us at home, and me da's a lawyer. Gone a lot, but we didn't mind. He was a cold man.
"Me little sister's name was Kathy, and she was the pride n' joy o' the MacArthur family. She drew and she danced and she was the most graceful o' any children in Ireland. Probably why it hit us so hard when she died," he said softly. Xander found his hand disobeying his commands and slipping into Angel's big hand. Angel clutched his hand tight enough to hurt, but Xander didn't say a word.
"Heart condition, been there since birth, the doctors said. Too much excitement rattled her lil' heart up, and then she died. Me mam went to pieces n' me da went to drink, and then it was just me an' 'im when mam took the gun out to the barn and pulled the trigger." Xander stared, horrified, as a tear went down the side of Angel's face. He wouldn't meet Xander's eyes, just took another drink of beer. Xander held his hand all the tighter.
"He couldn't stand me. Thought I should be a man like him. Didn't care that I wanted to get over it. I needed to do the family business, get in school. I told him to sod off and I got drunk and fucked everything in sight," Angel said, his voice thick with self-disgust. "He was right to kick me out…I don't know why I thought he'd help when…ah, mother o' Christ," he whispered, and took a long drink.
"What happened?" Xander asked, enraptured in the family tragedy, his heart shattering for every wound in Angel's.
"Met this girl…tall…foreign…blonde. Her name was Darla Aurelius." He bowed his head and Xander knew suddenly that Angel was sharing a big secret with him, something that he never spoke of. He moved closer to Angel on the couch, letting Angel take comfort in his nearness. Angel tightened his grip on Xander's hand in appreciation.
"Darla…oh, she was somethin' else. Couldn't figure out what a classy lady like her wanted with me, but she stayed with me. She pulled me out o' the gutter and out o' the bottle and for a while it was heaven. I could forget me mam and Kathy because I wasn't drunk, I was living."
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
"When she told me she was pregnant, I thought it was the most amazin' thing. Watchin' her belly grow with life, somethin' I'd helped create…there aren't words," Angel said, his eyes shining. "Money was tight as shite and we couldn't afford the doctors, so I went to me da. He threw me out, told me he wouldn't pay fer me whore when I'd thrown all his money away.
"So…so, she died. In the bed. Givin' birth. Lived long enough to name him Connor, tell me she loved me, and then she was gone, just like everyone else."
"What happened to Connor?" Xander whispered.
"Child fuckin' protection took him. Told me I couldn't afford him, couldn't care for him with all my issues or some shite. I got to hold him the once…he was so perfect…" He sighed, a sound full of pain. "It's good that they took 'im from me. I woulda fucked it all up, fucked him up the way I'm fucked up. He's got a good family now, and he's happy. 'S all I coulda asked for," Angel said flatly, draining the beer bottle.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
"You're not fucked up," Xander said strongly.
"You don't know me," Angel said with a sigh, moving to disengage their hands. Xander held on tightly like it was a lifeline, connecting them together.
"I know that you're kind," he said simply. "I know that you take care of your friends and that you help when someone asks for it. I know that you don't say rude things to people who say them to you, and you don't fight unless you have to. You might not be perfect, but you're not fucked up," Xander finished fiercely.
It was so important to him in that moment that he convince Angel to see exactly what he saw every time he looked at Angel. Angel was staring at him in something like amazement, gripping Xander's hand as hard as Xander was gripping his.
"I can see why Spike likes you so much," Angel said after an eternity. He didn't let go and neither did Xander.
"Why?"
"Because you listen. It's hard to find that. You really listen to people, let them say what they need to say. I haven't told anyone but Spike and Dru what happened with Darla," Angel said simply. "It feels…better, to talk about it."
"I know," Xander said. "You just need to know that someone's listening."
"Guess that's why you pray," Angel said.
"Yeah. I mean, I'm not one of those people who expects God to just hop in and solve all of my problems. She points me in the right direction and I have to do what I have to do to make it good. Her quirky sense of humor, I guess," Xander said lightly, trying to fight the warmth spreading from Angel's touch to every part of his body.
"She?" Angel asked with a slightly mischievous grin.
"Oh, definitely," Xander said with a nervous smile.
"Well, maybe I'll keep that in consideration," Angel said. Was it Xander's imagination or did he see the same heat in Angel's eyes that he felt in his? Was Angel moving closer – no, both of them were moving closer, like magnets, like destiny. "Come in to your church group some day," Angel whispered.
"Yeah, maybe," Xander said, just as quietly. There was nothing but the two of them right now, this tiny bubble of electricity and feeling that was between them that neither of them could explain but was still there, imperceptible and insane but there.
Angel's large hand cupped his face and Xander felt protected, wanted. He stared into Angel's eyes boldly and then lost all of his breath, all of his everything, when Angel leaned in and Angel's lips brushed against his.
It was light as a feather, a caress, sending a jolt of something indescribable through Xander's entire being. He moaned in glorious sensation and then leaned forward and suddenly Angel's lips, his perfect, perfect lips were pressing back against his, hard, and all there was was the taste of Angel, the sensation of his lips moving against his, the scent of his breath, the pressure of pleasure building between them in a communion of ecstasy.
Angel's tongue, large and demanding, slid into his mouth when Xander gasped for air and Xander moaned at the taste as it boldly caressed his tongue, exploring his mouth, and everything was dancing like lights in his mind as they seemed fused together, one person, one entity—
Angel jerked back away from him, breathing hard. His face was flushed and his eyes were black in desire and passion as he stared hard at Xander's mouth. "I can't do this," he whispered. "This is crazy, the way…Jesus!"
"I…" Xander tried, but words failed him. There were no words.
"That was your first kiss!" Angel whispered. He looked strange, like he was almost blaming Xander but more blaming himself.
"I'm sorry," Xander murmured. He felt sick; he hadn't wanted this, hadn't wanted to abuse Angel's trust in telling him this story. He felt like a horrible human being, like he'd betrayed Buffy and himself in one fell swoop. He felt humiliating tears burning on his cheeks as Angel suddenly pulled him into a hug.
"It's not your fault, okay?" Angel whispered into his hairline. "I'll see you around, Xander." He said Xander's name like a prayer, like a promise, and he pressed his lips against Xander's forehead firmly before he stood up and grabbed a shirt and a jacket and headed out of the apartment.
Spike had come in a few moments later to find Xander sitting on the couch, staring at nothing. They hadn't had to say anything; Spike didn't know exactly what had happened but he understood anyway and sat down next to Xander.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
***
Down to you
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I—
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
Hard to believe that a week ago he'd had his first kiss with the love of his life. Hard to believe that Buffy and Angel…oh, God, why did this hurt so much?
You got it, you got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic, hypnotic
You're leaving me breathless
I hate this! I hate this!
You're not the one I believe in
With God as my witness
Xander had had to run from Buffy and Willow that morning, couldn't face anything. They'd all gone to the Bronze that night and Angel was there. He and Buffy had talked for a moment and Buffy looked unhappy. Xander felt Angel's eyes burning on his skin, and it made him angry then, so angry.
How dare Angel stare at him like he was going through what Xander was going through? Angel had made this happen! Angel had made him feel like this! Angel had made him face the fact that he was gay! He could have gone on in happy denial until Angel's stupid looks had screwed Xander's entire life over!
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
Of you, of you
When Drusilla and Spike came in, Drusilla instantly forgetting Spike in favor of Angel, that was all that it took to snap what little self-control Xander had left. As Angel and Buffy headed over to their private corner, where he waited like he was nothing to Angel when in fact it was the opposite, Xander leapt up, surprising Tara and Willow.
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
"Are you okay, Xander?" Willow asked in concern. Spike and Drusilla met Buffy and Angel and it was the most tense standoff in history. Of course, Xander probably didn't help matters when he sent Angel a hurt look and before he could stop himself, in front of all his friends, grabbed Spike and kissed him, full on the lips.
For a moment everyone stood, frozen, until Spike's amazingly sculpted lips melted under his and Spike's wiry, strong body was pressed against his and Spike's tongue was in his mouth until Xander broke off. Willow and Tara were sitting in shock, Buffy's mouth was hanging open, Angel looked like Xander had stabbed him and Drusilla was staring at Spike in some unidentifiable emotion. Spike wouldn't even look at him.
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
I'm saying something that—
I should have never thought of you!
I knew—I know in my heart it's not you!
I know! But now I know what I want!
I want!
I want!
Oh, no, I should have never thought!
Xander turned and sprinted from the Bronze as fast as he possibly could, and he didn't look back until he'd hit the church.
Note: The songs used in this chapter are listed as follows—
Virgin State of Mind – K's Choice (Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Album)
Champagne Supernova – Oasis (What's the Story (Morning Glory?))
Brokenhearted – Vaughan Penn (Transcendence)
My Immortal – Evanescence (Fallen)
I Caught Myself – Paramore (Twilight (Music from the Motion Picture))