Still Stephenie Meyer's world, I'm just playing in the time machine until a grown-up tells me to stop.

Edward

If ever I'd wished for an enemy bullet to find me before in this war, to seek me out and end my misery and sadness and guilt, those wishes faded almost to nothing in the face of what I felt as I ran blindly from Bella's kitchen.

I felt certain it was her picture in that locket. But even if it wasn't, it was someone's picture. And that someone would never see a husband or father or brother or son again because of me. It was a reality I'd accepted long ago, but now that someone had a face. Bella was the face of every widow, of every fatherless child or childless mother this war had made. That I had made in the course of fighting it.

I retched at the thought, spilling the contents of my belly behind the barn that had offered such respite only the night before. I thought absently that it seemed such a waste to sick up the first decent meal I'd seen in months, but the pain in Bella's eyes at my story haunted me and twisted at my guts, and I heaved again. Sobs racked my body as a new wave of agony hit, and I sunk to the ground.

I could hear Jasper hollering at Emmett from the other side of the barn, but I couldn't make out his words. But when Emmett rounded the corner moments later and fixed his gaze on me, I knew without asking what the contents of that Yank's locket had revealed.

Strangely, the certainty of it calmed me, and I drug my sleeves across my cheeks to staunch my tears and waited for Emmett to speak.

"It was her, Top," he sighed, not pausing to gauge my reaction. "The Yank was Bella's lost husband. She forgives you." He rushed on when I looked up at him, a tiny spark of hope in my eyes. "She forgives you for doing your duty, Top, not for killing her husband." I dropped my head again, cradling it in my hands.

Emmett went on quickly, spilling all the words at once just as he did when we were boys and got caught in an act of mischief. He always thought it best to tell the whole story at once, hoping that if you were quick enough, our folks would miss a part or two somewhere in the rush. I knew that tone and what it meant from him. It meant he hadn't told me the worst of it, and I braced myself as he continued.

"She said it's not your fault it was you who pulled the trigger anymore'n it was his for being on that ridge. These are remarkable women, Top, to understand the duties of a solder."

"Just get on with it Em," I said hollowly, looking up at him again. He nodded and gulped, looking around for a moment, affirming my suspicion that the worst was yet to come.

"She forgives you, Edward, but she asked that we leave. She said we'd best not dally any longer, and that we had to rejoin the Army and get off to Gettysburg to fight." He took a deep breath and forced out just a few more words even faster than those that had preceded it. "And she says never to come back. She said she never wants to see you again."

At those last words, Emmett leaned against the barn wall, then slid down to the ground to sit next to me. He sighed deeply and eyed me sideways, doubtless awaiting a new wave of tears.

But none came. I felt surprisingly empty at his words, as though all emotion had been drained from me with the notion that I'd destroyed that beautiful girl's life with one bit of lead.

Just then, Jasper came around the side of the barn and took in the sight of Emmett and I crouched in the dirt. Em avoided his eyes, picking up a rock from the ground and turning it absently in his fingers.

"I'm guessing he told you, Edward." It wasn't a question. Jasper looked at me for confirmation, and I nodded dumbly.

"Did he also tell you I'm not coming back to the company with you?" My head shot up at that, and I stared at Jasper in amazed confusion.

"What the hell do you mean, you aren't coming back with us, Jasper?" I rasped. My voice was raw and gruff.

"Jasper here feels his place is with these girls," Emmett said, still not looking up from the rock in his fingers. "It seems he's lost his taste for the war."

I shook my head, trying to understand what I was hearing.

"Jasper, that's desertion, you know that! If anyone finds you, you'll be arrested. Maybe us too!" I gestured to Em. "What the devil are you thinkin'?"

Jasper sighed. "I know what'll happen if they find me, Top. I do. I'm willing to take the risk. I'm counting on you two going back and saying you woke up this morning to find me gone. That you made a sweep around camp and there wasn't hide nor hair of me. I'm expecting you to lie, Top. This is my choice and no one else's, and I'll not have you taking the blame for it."

I blinked at him. The void I was feeling took over again, and I just nodded. I hadn't any more strength left in me this day.

"Take care of them, Jasper," I said, and he nodded. He smiled at me gently, thanking me wordlessly for my understanding. "Take care of her." I whispered that last bit and rose to my feet. Emmett followed suit.

I put out my hand and Jasper grasped it without a word. We stood there a moment, hands clasped silently, considering. The gravity of the moment settled upon each of us. We would be separated for the first time really since Jasper came into our lives so many years ago. I pulled him toward me then in an embrace. We were brothers after all, in spirit if not by blood, and I owed him a proper goodbye.

He pulled away after a moment and turned to Emmett, looking uncertainly at my cousin. Emmett stared down at him for a moment before putting out his own hand.

"This is your fight now, Corporal," Emmett said formally, but his voice was thick and his eyes watery. "You fight for them." He jerked his head back in the direction of the house, then pulled Jasper into an embrace of his own.

Jasper nodded at him as he stepped back.

I still felt the void in my chest where I was certain a bundle of emotions should have been. Where was the pain at being sent away by Bella? Where was the terror I should have felt before marching off to another battle? Where was the sadness at saying goodbye to Jasper?

My confusion reigned as I walked with Em and Jasper back to the barn to fetch our things. When there was but one bedroll left in the loft, Em turned back to Jasper.

"We'll do as you said when we get back to the company," he said. "But I'll roll up the rest of your belongings and hide them somewhere near where we camped. I don't know where, so you'll have some looking to do, and you'd best give us a day to get clear before you go looking."

Jasper nodded gratefully and stopped in the barn doorway. Emmett and I kept walking. We turned back once, and Jasper raised a hand in goodbye as we strode away.

I felt his absence keenly within steps. It'd been the three of us for so long, it was as though there was a hole where he used to walk. But I still couldn't muster any proper sadness. It was more an emptiness inside, swirling around my insides where my heart should have been.

We walked silently past Bella's house. Emmett didn't even look up as we passed. My desire to look once more upon the place where Bella entered my life, if only briefly warred with the knowledge that the woman that had made me feel alive again, that had made me feel anything for the first time in months never wanted to lay eyes on me again.

In the end, the need to have one last look at the place where I was saved defeated my fear, and I gazed back at the yard where Bella had been doing laundry. I played the moment I met her over and over in my mind, hearing that angelic laugh. I could feel the heat and spark on my skin where we had touched as plainly as if it had only just happened.

"Edward!"

I spun as I heard my name shrieked from the doorway of the house. Emmett stopped too and turned back.

I stood frozen in my tracks as I registered the sight of Bella dashing madly through the yard. She clutched her skirts in her fists as she ran across the grass. Tears streaked down her face and her hair had come loose from the net that held it. I was mesmerized for a moment by the sight of it flowing behind her as she ran, a silken river the color of roasted chestnuts shining in the sun. Her eyes were wild as she approached.

"Bella…?" I said hesitantly, not knowing what the question was, but knowing I had to ask it. She didn't want to see me anymore, Em and Jasper had just finished telling me. I hadn't dreamed it, had I?

"Oh Edward," she panted as she came to a halt in front of me. Her breathing was labored from the exertion of her run, and she put her hands out to steady herself, likely not realizing that it was me she was holding onto. She gripped the lapels of my threadbare butternut coat so hard her knuckles turned white, and she stared at her fingers twisting the dirty wool instead of up at my face. My heart raced as I waited.

After what seemed like hours, she still stood there, clutching my coat and not speaking. I swallowed my fear and reached my hands up to cover hers and bent a little to try to see in her eyes.

"Bella, what is it?" I said as gently as I could, trying not to startle her with the urgency I could feel creeping into my voice.

"Jasper said I mustn't shut you out altogether, Edward," she mumbled, almost too quietly to hear. "He said the blow might kill you. He said…" She trailed off and I did my best to dampen my impatience. Why was she out here, running after me even as I tried to follow her wish that I leave?

"I'm sorry, Bella, I don't understand. Please," I implored then, begging her to go on. "Please help me understand what you're saying."

She looked up at me through watery eyes. "You can't die, Edward. I couldn't bear it. If letting you go without a word would have killed you truly, I couldn't live with myself." She was crying again in earnest now. "I lost my husband, Edward. I lost him months ago. Maybe I lost him the day he left when I was so hateful and spiteful that I let him go off and get killed without ever telling him how I loved him." She steadied herself for a moment. "And then you came, Edward. You came into my barn last night and you calmed us with your music and your presence. And when I saw you, when we touched…" She had stopped speaking, but she stared up at me with those endlessly deep brown eyes, dark and rich as good soil. I waited, hardly daring to breathe. She had felt it too, the heat and spark that resulted from our contact. I hadn't known until just then that she felt something just as I had.

And then, almost as though the world slowed, I felt her hands clench tighter against my coat and she pulled my head down closer to hers, her eyes never leaving mine. She opened one hand just enough to grasp my fingertips on the hand that covered hers. I was vaguely aware of her tongue flicking out to lick her lips, and I felt her breath warm and sweet on my face as her face came closer and closer to mine until our lips met.

The fire I'd felt when our hands touched for the first time in the yard was a candle flame compared to the inferno that raged when our lips touched. It was as though the world came to a stop and my whole existence was wrapped in the softness of her mouth. We stood for a moment, her lips pressed against mine, and then she pulled away, only slightly, her grip still strong on my coat.

Her eyes searched mine, looking for something, maybe a response, maybe a word, maybe a nod.

Tears still flowed from her eyes.

Instead, I tightened my grip on her hands and pulled her back up toward me, kissing her again. I felt more than heard her tiny whimper as our lips touched for the second time, and the fire was ignited again. I'd been living as though dead for so long, I was overwhelmed by the life that sprang forth from the connection between our lips. I barely had time to recover from the shock of kissing Bella at all when I felt her lips part beneath mine and I was hit with another wave of surprise. Her mouth was so warm and soft, her tongue reaching out to sweep mine gently, almost questioningly. I gasped in surprise but held her to me, recovering as quickly as I could and softly exploring her mouth with my own tongue, uncertainty warring with desire as my mind whirled with the newness of the sensations coursing through my mind and body.

I'd kissed a few girls back home, but always chaste kisses that ended in the girl giggling and blushing, and me wondering just exactly what the fuss was about. But this, this kiss was something like I'd never experienced before, and if this was what the fuss was about, I heartily approved.

I could have stood there kissing Bella for the rest of my God-given life, but all too soon she pulled away. Her breathing was still heavy, her chest rose and fell rapidly, as did mine. I found myself searching her eyes now, looking for some kind of explanation about what had just happened. My heart was soaring in my chest, but cautiously.

"You have to go, Edward," she finally breathed. "You have a duty, and I'm not ready for this." She freed her hands from mine and gestured between us. "I need more time. I need to think. I need to mourn my dead husband." She sighed and I let my hands drop, unsure of how to respond.

"I had to tell you. I let Jacob go, Edward. I let him leave and go to war without saying goodbye and he died. I never got to see him again." She lifted her hand and cupped my cheek. "I never got to touch him again, or feel his touch in return. I never got that one last kiss." She pulled her hand away and unconsciously brushed her lips, perhaps thinking of the kiss we'd just shared, or maybe thinking again of her husband.

"He's gone now. You and that battle and this war took him from me." I cringed at her accusation, even though it held no malice. She was only stating a fact, and her face was soft as she continued. "I let him go without saying goodbye, and I'll have to live with that. But I couldn't do the same to you, or to myself. I know Emmett must have told you I never wanted to see you again."

I nodded and cast my eyes down.

Hearing her speak the words was all the more painful, despite the fact I'd heard them already from Em.

"I don't know if I want you to come back after the battle, Edward," Bella said slowly. I couldn't lift my eyes from my shoes. "But I know I couldn't let you go without telling you…without showing you that I do care," I lifted my eyes at her mention of our kisses and she flushed. I fought a small smile that tried to play across my lips.

I knew it was a long shot, hell it was the longest shot I'd ever taken, but my fate seemed to matter somehow to this girl, despite all she'd been through. Despite the hell I'd put her through without even knowing it.

"So please, Edward," she whispered, and took my hand between hers. Even that produced the spark, though not to the degree her kisses had. "Please have a care. Please don't go looking for a bullet to step in front of. You mustn't. Please, promise me you'll be careful?"

I still didn't understand just exactly what she was saying, but in that moment I would have promised her anything. I nodded again, not trusting my voice.

She nodded back as though accepting my own nod as a promise, and squeezed my hand one last time as she rose up on her toes to kiss my cheek, leaving a scorched trail where her lips had been.

Then she turned and walked back to her house, leaving me standing alone in the grass to puzzle out the meaning behind her words and her actions, to figure out which was correct: the fluttering in my heart at her kisses and admissions of concern or the dark fear in the back of my mind that she'd just told me goodbye for the last time.

As she reached the house and stepped through the door, closing it behind her, one fact rang true through all the confusion swirling in my head.

She'd never looked back.

A/N: So? Hope? No hope? Throwing things at the author? *Hides*

As always, y'all, thank you so much for sticking this out with me…I appreciate every one of your reviews and alert adds. I hope you enjoyed the quick update...I seem to be getting inspired quicker these days, so hopefully it'll keep up!

More thanks than I can express to my beta, averysubtlegift. Most of you read Price of Balance, I know, but if you don't, you really, really should. It's simply stunning. C, as always…there aren't words.

Chapter 11 teasers will accompany review replies, and I can already tell you, Bella's got a few things to say next chapter! Thank you all again for reading, I hope you enjoyed it!