A/N: Hello, all. This is my first chapter extra, The Handbook. How many of you like comedy? Sort of a chapter that I did out of sheer pleasure and enjoyment, so it may not contribute as much to the storyline. But while I went up and thought ahead, I might as well have thought of a creative way for the Akatsuki to regroup. Think of it as a filler. Have fun reading! Soon Sasori will be on his way to Otogakure to find a certain red-haired kunoichi.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto
Extra 1: The Handbook
Wind carried through the Moonlit Plains. The grass all around lit up in the moon's luminous beams. It was quiet for all the time spent battling over battling the small scrap of land right smack in the middle of Konoha Forest. Blotches of blood now clung to the tips of grass blades, some where still fresh enough to drip and run off.
In the middle of the field, two figures in black and red stood absolutely still, side by side, staring opposite directions. Every now and then they would briefly shift their eyes to look at each other, exchanging bored, despondent glances from under their custom wicker hats. One figure's eyes glowed with crimson red, the other, sickly green. Each was only to guess what the other was thinking, and their guesses served them well. Although they were hardly guesses at all. They had been waiting for over an hour for everyone to show.
The crimson-eyed man looking to the stars, the sickly green-eyed corpse looked to the ground to find a long, conjoined pair of jaws, as if belonging to some cannibalistic plant, begin to jut out of the ground. Crackling emulated everywhere. For a spy of their faction, old golden eyes there had a pretty noisy way of making an appearance.
The milky sick eyes held their everlasting glare as the jaws slowly split open, now reaching their full length off the ground. The head of the missing-nin appeared, the eye on the white side of his face glowed with its familiar yellow color, the black side, a large, blooded red dot. The moon clearly had strange effects on him.
"Zetsu."
The strange creature turned his head to peak out of his shell at Takigakure's former most powerful. A silent blink from his two differently colored eyes responded to his own name. Two eyes, two different states of mind. This was the reason that Zetsu needed no partner.
"Standing by for further orders directed from Leader-sama. …Kakuzu."
The Kakuzu's glare deepened. Further orders? That better not have been what he doing for the whole day through. Waiting for the goddamn orders. "Well as long as you felt the freedom that you did in fact have this entire time to step in and ensure that the Nine-Tailed Fox not escape, I'll just go ahead and assume that you were actually doing something proactive."
The plant-like shinobi tilted his head to the side, much like a dog trying to understand what was being said to them. A stern frown worked its way to both sides of his face. Taking a moment deciding (after arguing with himself) that it was best to just ignore him, he went ahead and made himself comfortable. His darker half already integrated into the ground, he closed his gigantic jaws almost completely, leaving only a small crack to look through as a peep-hole between the teeth. He had come to think of his condition as a mobile home for anywhere and everywhere he may go. It also kept very good at hiding from both plain sight and genjutsu.
A raspy voice called out from the interior of the shell.
"Watch yourself. We're not that good at handling the particularly funny jokes."
"Hm?"
"We'll have you know that we were in fact surveying all of the different battles around the forest for the leader's viewing pleasure. We will only fight if we are called to fight."
"We were called to fight."
"You were called to fight. As much as I myself miss the action…and the blood…and the screaming…we had our own role to fulfill. Say that half of it was announcing that you, your partner Hidan, Deidara, and Sasori all failed in your tasks to kill the objective targets miserably."
Kakuzu's eyes shot alive. "What…did you just say?"
Zetsu's trap opened to once again reveal the bed of green hair, the two-sided face, and a row of evil sharp teeth gritted together in a horrendous ear-to-ear grin, seeming to only exist with the purpose of taunting his less fortunate colleagues.
"…I don't believe I need repeat myself."
"Well what are you smiling for? When Leader-sama finds out, he'll take it out on all of us."
Zetsu switched expressions.
"Well actually, it will only be the ones who actually didn't fully apply their own orders correctly. See, we handled our jobs with the utmost care, with a steady combination of precision and accuracy. Nobody detected us, and we caught all of the feed that we could ever need for blackmailing you four. We are in no such trouble."
"What did you see Itachi doing?"
"Chasing away a party of ANBU and jonin of the Hidden Leaf. It appears as though they were quite powerful. You know about Kakashi of the Sharingan, the two ANBU Black Ops, and various other two, but there was also a woman that goes by the name…Anko Mitarashi."
"Who's that?"
"A kunoichi that served formerly under Orochimaru. Most of her past time with him remains a mystery, but it was always believed that he kept the history of all the shinobi that served and still do serve under him locked away somewhere in Otogakure. But get this. I used Keiretsu Etsudoku to peer into the chakra streams of all oncoming shinobi, and hers was the only one that we couldn't decipher."
Kakuzu stared at him for a good long moment.
"Hmm…it could mean that her chakra is stunted. Ergo, she is actually less powerful than a normally capable shinobi."
Zetsu shook his head without a second thought.
"Absolutely not. She was jumping at the same height and rate as the other shinobi using chakra control at the bottom of her feet. She does indeed use chakra." The red eye lit up to dominate the golden eye. "She could possibly have power that isn't tapped yet. She could also not be aware that she has it." The golden eye lit up, and the red eye waned. "That's ridiculous. There should be a definite alternate explanation. If she knew that she was capable of such tremendous ability, don't you think she would have used it on Itachi?" "…I stand by what I said. You never listen."
While Kakuzu continued to do his best to understand Zetsu's ranting and raving with himself, Itachi remained silent, not even acknowledge the new presence of another colleague come out. Staring out from beyond the horizon, he spotted Hidan ambling towards them, dragging his scythe along the ground instead of keeping it attached to his back like he usually does. That was a surefire symptom of trouble when reading into Hidan. His head hung down like it was about to fall off? Not as bad as the primary sign, but still…a bad one.
"…From my half-wit partner, I'm sure failure comes to him like the sun comes out every morning. But Deidara? Sasori? Are you for certain?"
Zetsu nodded grimly. He had indeed been the one, who had used Kagerō to move throughout the bottom of the Earth to witness each battle, two of which were going on at the exact same time. But feats like this came easy for the organization's most accomplished spy. He had watched as a spectator watches his favorite sport, even going so far as to add his own commentary, as he often does with himself. But he had seen each member win, just as he predicted they would, and only then to witness the genin crawl right out from under their noses like cockroaches from out of the bottom of someone's boot. Irritating as it was, he finally decided (after incredibly bothersome debating with himself, who didn't much like the idea of leaving survivors) that he should let them go for now as a slight personal reward for surviving an Akatsuki member's attack, even if at only 20%. Was it a foolish move?
Maybe. But he didn't necessarily make the title 'Screw-up of the Day' just for that.
"Kisame also encountered two; he eventually threw them off the edge of a dark ravine. We switched to night vision, but could see nothing. The impact of the fall would likely have killed them – we estimate the size of the ravine at about seventy feet. A jonin maybe, but not a genin."
Kakuzu replied with a silent, understanding nod in agreement. Dead. Glad that's settled.
"You'll have to show me the recording of Sasori's fight later."
Zetsu gave a polite, courteous smile. "Alright." His cute smile soon cracked and evolved into a long row of carnivorous fangs as he smiled sadistically once more. "…BECAUSE IF I DON'T I SURELY WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO FORGIVE OURSELVES! AAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAAA!!"
He kept the aftereffects of his psycho face as the awkward silence carried on between him and Kakuzu.
"…Well that's all you needed to say…Zetsu…"
Zetsu tilted his head softly again, using none other than that same confused expression as before.
Kakuzu turned to see Itachi facing the direction that his partner was ascending out of. Switching back into dominant, bossy senior mode, Kakuzu waited for Hidan to amble closer before letting the words out. But he had a feeling that the ass already knew what was coming for him.
"There's fucking sand all over the place..." Hidan complained.
"Ho. Hidan. Perfect timing, you are just the person I wanted to see." He narrowed his eyes over at his silver-haired partner, a shadowy affect looming and covering the two spots where his eyes should be. "I want to hear…absolutely everything about your day."
Hidan's bobbed head instantly shot up to glare wildly eye-to-eye with his partner in crime for a minute before jerking it away and murmuring the response, "Fuck you, Mr. Stitches."
Kakuzu kept his glare up a few minutes more, folded his arms, and responded, "It went that bad, huh?"
"Hey, I would really want to hear about what you did when you were away. So what'd ya do, huh? Assassinate all of the world's Kages? Molest all the kunoichi? Maybe you robbed yourself a fucking bank!!"
Kakuzu's eyes flashed coldly at his partner.
"You really want to know how my day went." Everyone watched as Kakuzu grabbed a hold of something with both hands from behind him where no one else could see. Itachi held his calm demeanor even as Kakuzu held the limp body of a Sand shinobi over his shoulders. Cracks ran through his cheeks, crumpling softly into grains of sand dripping to the ground. "Well here it is…" He announced, holding the body over his head like a human trophy. "It weighs about forty kilograms, it's about five foot-four, and thought it could stand up to Akatsuki force!"
Everyone stared silently as the old nin plopped the body down in front of him.
Kakuzu wrapped in an invisible grin under his mask held together by laces. "Gaara of the Desert."
Hidan's icy pupils shook at the sight. "Sh-…Shukaku…"
While the others confirmed Gaara's identity, Tobi stood atop a hill over the horizon, staring down at Itachi with arms crossed. Something particularly curious had happened.
'Out of character. Itachi showed signs of compassion to that Sound shinobi that he had killed…' A red eye peered out of the hollow of his orange, swirled mask, gazing down at his former student. 'It's highly unusual for Itachi…because the only times he ever shows compassion like that…' The red eye widened from inside his mask, the black tomoe of his Sharingan clearly visible. '…is when the person that confronts him reminds him of Sasuke.'
From below, Itachi's eyes opened, and as the older Uchiha patriarch watched with amusement, he turned his head and gave him a crimson glare, knowing full well that he was being watched by him.
'Uh oh…caught in the act.' The young elder concluded with significant amusement. 'Looks like it's time to play stupid, dense, clueless good boy again.'
He chuckled slightly to himself, and instantly disappeared into nothing in the blink of the eye.
Itachi's glare deepened, but he looked away.
While the others examined the body, Tobi reappeared out of nowhere at nobody knows when and walked up. "I'm wet, cold, and tired now…" He complained. "The world suuuuuure looks different underwater!"
The others ignored him.
"Hey, who's that?" The swirl-masked child asked.
"Go away Tobi, we're busy." He heard Kakuzu's deep voice carry. He turned in time to see the old ninja make a shoeing gesture with his hand, waving him away.
"Hey, is that…?" As fast as a bolt, Tobi sprung from his position over to where the others were looking down at the red-haired boy. On his way over, he nearly bumped heads with Hidan, who too was trying to get a good look at the face.
"Hey! WATCH it you little prick…"
Tobi sheepishly rubbed the back of his head at his near-fatal mistake. "Heh heh…sorry about that, Hidan-san…" Then his eye lit up in the socket of his mask when he realized a fact that he apparently found interesting. "HEY! Hidan-san! That rhymes! Hidan-san. Hidan-san. Hidan-san. Hidaaaaaaan-saaaaaaaaan…"
Hidan wearily glanced back at him from over his shoulder. What a pain in the ass. Where did they even pick this kid up? Later there would be time for some in-depth complaint filing to the leader. Turning back to what he was doing, Hidan knelt over to inspect the tattoo on the jinchuuriki's forehead. It looked like the red character said…Love??" What a joke.
While he continued looking with the others, an orange mask slowly crept up to the side of his face. It drew closer and closer to the side, until it was only an inch away from his ear. A few seconds of waiting, and then with precise timing, quickly got one word out to him.
"…Hidan-san."
"I'LL SLAUGHTER YOU!!" Hidan spat in reaction, waving his scythe wildly in the air, almost lunging for him.
"Waaaaaaaahhhhh!! Sorry! Sorry! I'll stop, I'll stop!" Tobi screamed hysterically while he sped away from him at top speed. A big dust cloud trailed in his wake, as he again appeared, this time behind Zetsu.
"Well, yello' there, Zetsu-san!" He shouted, holding up a black gloved hand in greeting.
The plant creature stared ahead quietly. Tobi decided that if he wasn't going to speak, then he might as well add on to the conversation himself. "Is…is Hidan-san angry at me?"
Zetsu's eyes shifted to look at him from the side.
"Hey, Zetsu, do you have the Akatsuki Handbook with you, by any chance?"
His colleague stared at him as if he just fell from the stars.
"…Handbook?"
"Ah, wait. Maybe…let me check here…" Tobi began shuffling around in his own pockets, and then moved onto his jacket. Finally, he announced, "Aha! Here! It was with me this whole time! I must've taken it from you by accident! Sorry, Zetsu-san."
He pulled out a small black book with a red cloud on the cover and the name 'Akatsuki' in bold red japanese characters. It wasn't quite atlas sized; you could easily hold it with one hand.
"…Tobi, we were never given any handbook…"
"I just hope I didn't get it all wet when I fell into that pond!" Cracking it open to inspect the pages inside, he snapped his head to look back up to the taller, rather confused shinobi staring down at him with two different eyes.
"Sweet. Looks like it didn't get that wet after all. That's some quality parchment. Of course the paper I got was produced by Konan-chan, so I guess I would expect…" His eye again lit up in a sparkle. "AAHH! I found another one! Konan-chan!! I am on a ROLL today!!" He shouted in self pride as he threw his leg up into the air to exercise his happiness.
"Clever. Now what's this about a handbook of the organization…?" He asked. He had to admit, he found it curious. Since he was so very dedicated to Akatsuki for taking him in decades ago, he wanted to know absolutely everything that he could about what was going on in it. Charities, special meetings, funding plans, directories, any helpful information in general, those sorts of things. Zetsu could never get enough to learn.
"Here! Look!" Tobi held the open book up to Zetsu's face, closer than he would ever prefer. Zetsu instinctively snapped his head back and reverted back his defensive mode, crunching his jaws closer together to get the right amount of protection from the suddenness of a possible attack. His natural reflex.
A red eye glowed like laser sighting out from the small gap that he made to peek through, showing that he was not happy.
"Tobi," A low tone spoke out harshly and made the shorter shinobi holding the book take a nervous step back. "You never ever come directly at my head like that again, you hear?"
The poor shinobi felt his legs shake wildly. How scary he was. He was one of the types of people that you don't walk behind, or make any sudden movements directly in his face. He hated that.
Struggling to breathe under sheer anxiety, he could only respond, "Y-yes…Zet…sem-pai…" He instantly dropped to the ground in crouching position, throwing both of his hands over his head to protect himself. Shivering profusely, he waited for a moment, fearing for his own well-being. Soon, he felt the book that he was holding tightly close to himself to protect his head gently being pulled away. He dared himself to peek up to see Zetsu calmly flipping through the pages of the handbook that he was trying to introduce him to.
"Information is displayed here…" He gazed disapprovingly down at Tobi from his huddled position. "…Information that we already know."
Tobi felt his heart sink. Zetsu was clearly disappointed.
"I…um…sorry…Zetsu…" He squeezed out before walking away with his tail between his legs.
Zetsu turned back to the book and looked through the index.
'Let's see…Part One: Members – both active and deceased, organized in the order in which they joined…' He surveyed the portraits and descriptions, bios and details of each active member. First, he looked over the black and white pictures, flipping a page occasionally as every member would take up about half a page. He saw Pein at the top, of course, followed by Kakuzu, Konan, himself, Orochimaru…
The plant-nin squinted in on the traitor's portrait to find that a mustache, a pointed beard, and oversized glasses had been scratched on his face with black marker. Not even bothering to deduce who would do that, he continued to read on.
…Sasori inside of Hiruko, glaring at whoever looks at his portrait, Kisame, Itachi (never did learn to smile), Deidara, sticking his tongue out while holding up two open palms crossing over each other, sticking their tongues out in his signature pose, and finally Hidan, pulling one of his eyes down with a single finger and sticking his tongue out in a corny facial taunt.
The descriptions and backgrounds of each member were perfect. The book was practically a portable Akatsuki Wiki. They had previous villages, affiliations, blood types, ring positions, abilities and jutsu listed at the side, most everything possible. The only person who wasn't inside the book was Tobi. Probably because he wasn't a member.
It also had brief summaries and the occasional picture of past members and subordinates, most of which were killed out of anger by Kakuzu.
'Part Two: Akatsuki Dreams and Goals.'
Basically it was a few pages long synopsis of why Akatsuki exists, what its purpose in existence is to serve, and describing vividly how not everyone else will see eye-to-eye with its methods. It explains how the world is always engulfed in total war, the reasons being, and the solution that Pein already has planned to correct everything. Funding, harnessing the Tailed Demons, working to use them to benefit the last line of powerful shinobi, and ultimately exist as the world's primary power.
Never again would there be another war.
'Part Three: Requirements.'
You had to be entirely unique and creative in the way that you fight and kill. You had to be independent, never to have any close connections with anyone else from your village. You would have to become a rouge-nin, to leave your village. You would become a criminal of the country, so expect a hard life, etc. etc…
'Part Four: The Tailed Beasts.'
As the caption suggests, the names of all Tailed Demons were listed from least number of tails to greatest number of tails; 1 – 9. A picture in color of each monster sat at the side of the descriptions, as well as the name and cited source of the photographer that took the picture of the specific monster listed in smaller font.
The descriptions included the names of the demon container, pictures, and abilities. How Tobi managed to acquire details documented like this was far beyond what Zetsu could see.
'Part Five: Miscellaneous Targets and Bounties.'
All of the people that Kakuzu and Hidan had ever captured, and all of the oppressing towns that the organization had laid waste to. There was an incredible number of bounties, so there were only small pictures of each bounty listed in the bingo book. Some of them were marked out in X's with red marker, indicating that they had already been neutralized. Some of the pictures were still untouched. Among them, Asuma Sarutobi and Chiriku, two of the Twelve Guardian Ninja. They carry hefty bounties for the black market, some underground organization. Thirty million ryo for Chiriku's head, Asuma, a striking thirty-five million.
'Part Six: Credits and Sources Cited. Tobi is and always will be a good boy.'
…Well all right then.
Zetsu closed the book shut with a single hand.
'Well we didn't necessarily learn anything of particular interest, but Tobi is quite the creative child, isn't he?'
'The consequences of what would happen if the enemy found this book would be immeasurable.'
'That isn't what I asked you. Nevertheless, we'll be keeping this book close to us.' As if to emphasize his point to his other half, Zetsu slipped to travel-sized booklet into his inner coat pocket. 'Still, maybe Tobi isn't the philistine that everyone thinks he is…'
Turning away from his thoughts, everyone looked up to the starry sky to watch a titanic black shadow sail towards their standing position. Everyone kept silent as a white clay bird descended near the land. It kept flapping only a few meters from the ground, before abruptly landing and getting into perched position.
Deidara and Sasori both poked their heads out from over the great head of the bird, staring down at the others. Deidara jumped a bit higher up and landed on a single foot atop his creation's head, crossing his arms, and smirking down.
"Heh heh. Is that really the One-Tailed Raccoon?"
Kakuzu, Itachi, and Hidan stared silently up at the terrorist.
"…See for yourself." Zetsu said, taking the booklet out and tossing it up to him. Deidara effortlessly caught it and began actively flipping. His indigo eye sparked with interest down at the pages.
"AAAAHHHH DEIDARA-SAAAAAAAN!!"
Before Deidara could even raise his eyes from the booklet, Tobi jumped in on him to give him a big, smothering hug. For a second, he succeeded. Alas, his short victory quickly ensued in agonizing pain as his feminine male colleague delivered a powerful kick to his concealed face, sending him plummeting straight back to the exact spot that he had jumped from, ten feet below, immersing him in a gigantic dust cloud on impact.
While Tobi struggled to pull his face out of the imprint that it made in the ground, Deidara resumed his exploration of the booklet.
"Well what do you know, hm?" He turned his head to smirk over at Sasori. "I was unaware that Akatsuki had a handbook."
"It's probably unofficial." Sasori replied, sitting on the outspread wing of the bird, with his arms and legs crossed. "Check the copyright."
His partner actively searched the booklet, but he had found nothing. With closed eyes and a silent shake from his head, Deidara continued his business with the book, looking up Part Four, Section One: Shukaku.
"…Sure enough. Gaara of the Desert." Deidara instantly pouted. "That was my Tailed Beast! Who captured it?"
"That would be me." Kakuzu proclaimed, stepping up to them.
While Deidara was busy grimacing at the older ninja, someone else took the time to ask, "Hey, Deidara, toss me the booklet, I want to see it."
The book flew in and smacked the red-haired half-human right in the head. Without bothering to recoil, Sasori caught where the book was headed after bouncing off, and creaked his head back into normal position. "…Toss me the booklet gently." He clarified with annoyance before he flipped open the black book.
After a moment of browsing the Tailed Beast Sections, he looked up from the book with an unreadable face, though he did seem like he had a question.
"The book is quite accurate, but I think you're missing a Tailed Beast." He said, tossing the book back to Tobi. The boy struggled with catching the book, making it jump out of his hands a few times before maintaining a solid grasp.
"Whaddaya mean, Sasori-senpai? There're only nine!" Tobi declared, holding up nine digits.
Sasori stared down at him with calm eyes. "Well isn't one of the demon containers an annoying red-haired girl, you know, about your height?" He asked through the neckband of his uniform.
Everyone stared at Sasori with different expressions. Some impassive, some not.
Sasori's face slightly tightened into a stern glare. Why was everyone looking at him like he didn't know what he was talking about? He had seen it. One of the Tailed Beasts is a girl serving Orochimaru as a ninja of the Sound.
He was about to speak out again, but Zetsu beat him to it.
"Let's discuss it when we contact Leader."
Everyone else looked at him.
"You're contacting him? Now? While we're on the brink of failure? Not so smart for us, Zetsu."
The double-sided man gave him an indifferent look. "I'll tell you what I told everyone else." "I don't care what happens to any of you. As long as our lives aren't on the line…it's not like Akatsuki has any use for failures." "You place your pride and your own affections above your duty as Akatsuki Jisou. It's not like it's something we can help. We are not here to stick our neck out for anyone else. I used to, so I know what consequences are involved with the act of doing so."
"You have the wrong idea." Sasori plainly spoke, not budging from his demeanor.
"ENOUGH!! We saw you! We saw everything. As was said before, wait. For. Leader."
While Zetsu turned around, Sasori did a 360 flip off from the bird and landed gracefully on his feet, leaving a relatively confused partner scratching his long blond hair, still atop the head of the vessel.
"Haaaah, Sasori no Danna, what's he talking about?" He asked calmly, more out of humiliation than concern.
"Nothing, Deidara. Zetsu's just mad because he doesn't have a neck to stick out."
You could comically hear the faint sound of glass shattering.
Before anyone else could react to the statement, Zetsu spun around, both of his eyes now red with murder. The trap around his shoulders snapped wide open into a completely horizontal, outspread line.
"Mokuton: Jubaku Eisō (Wood Release: Binding Nest)!"
Both sides of the jaw instantly snapped shut over his head, and gigantic roots traced underground from his concealed body up to the puppet master. Sasori didn't bother moving, just grinned and bore it. A gigantic tree sprouted out of the ground; crunching loudly as different sections of it came all around him, and the wood closed around his body, placing him in a restrained position.
Deidara stared down at his partner's current predicament. "Sasori no Danna, are you crazy? Pissing off a higher rank than you?"
The puppet master calmly turned his head from the tree twisted with gnarled roots around his body to regard him with an impassive stare.
"Woo-hoo! Get him Zetsu!" Hidan screamed fanatically, throwing his fist into the air. He was absolutely bloodthirsty for a good fight. What better fight than between two of Akatsuki's most powerful?
Zetsu sprang open again and used another passive technique. Nan no Kaizō. Orochimaru isn't the only one who can dislocate his joints and control outstretched parts of the body using chakra.
Zetsu's head sprang forward at Sasori with his neck stretching to an unnatural proportion, coming out from his fly-trap body. To most, it would look like the long tongue of some carnivorous plant shooting out from between the jaws to seek out its prey. For Zetsu, this point of view actually wasn't far from the truth.
His head stopped inches away from Sasori's face, gritting its sharp teeth furiously. He looked absolutely monstrous with that factor combined with his almost blinding red lights as eyes.
"Does this really look like a neck that won't stretch??!! YOU BASTAAARD!!" Zetsu's voice was hysterical with rage.
Sasori didn't show any hint of emotion in his face at all, just looked his colleague straight in the eyes. That, he knew, was how a gentleman would handle a situation like this.
They gazed at each other for another half minute.
"…You can't kill me…" Sasori said. "…You can't kill me…because I'm not edible to you. I'm not made of meat, you remember."
"You don't have to be edible to break beyond all repairs." Zetsu replied in a low growl.
"That's enough, you two." They both turned their heads to look at Itachi, standing away from a row made up of Kisame, Hidan, and Kakuzu.
Tobi was frantically turning his head, caught right in between the beginning of a fight and the others.
"Don't be acting like a couple of children, now." Kisame added on. "This organization is 'adults reserved only'."
Deidara's eyes lit up at that statement, and he turned to face down at Tobi, taking out a mold of clay and instantly turning it into a small bird. "You hear that, kid? Looks like you're out of luck." The bird took flight from his hand and kept itself suspended above it on a pair of wings.
Tobi, with his hands behind his back, instinctively stepped behind Kisame.
"Aww why did you have to bust up the fight? I really wanted to see who'd end up killing who." Hidan complained.
"Shut up, Hidan." His partner replied, indifferently.
Zetsu's head kept glaring at Sasori from an outstretched neck.
Sasori kept up his stare as well and finally answered, "If you hate it when people comment on your unusual state, please don't make comments that are highly untrue."
"Well if that's the case, then how come you didn't finish the girl as was expected of you?"
"Why didn't you?" Sasori asked softly in response.
Zetsu's glare softened slightly. That was a surprising question.
"…Because you believe that she is…a jinchuuriki?" Zetsu asked sternly, changing voice tones.
Sasori only nodded. It was about time that he had fully grasped the concept. All it took were a few…persuasive words.
"That is what I believe. I'm going after her…and Orochimaru, but before I do, I need Leader's approval."
The plant-like man looked away while dangling on his neck for a brief moment, and then turned back to give Sasori one last stern glance. His neck began reverted back to normal length, taking his head further away.
The restraining barrier of wood around Sasori began to crumble. He smirked.
Soon, Zetsu had slipped back into his body and turned to the other silent on-lookers.
"The seal positions." "Now." He was still clearly peeved about the episode between Sasori and himself.
Itachi closed his eyes. Well finally, the annoyance was over. This was what happened when too many members gathered together. The others were probably thinking the exact same thing.
Everyone walked over, following the spy.
Zetsu stepped into an area over the grass with plenty of space, recognizing his part in preparing the seals for the projection jutsu. Pein did say not to wait too long to contact him.
He performed a quick round of handsigns in the center, where the leader was supposed to appear from.
Everyone got into their assigned positions, according to their own ring positions. When everything was in order, everyone did their following handsigns.
"Gyoku." Sasori spoke, using the 'orb' handsign.
"San." Hidan spoke, using the 'three' handsign.
"Hoku." Kakuzu spoke, using the 'north' handsign.
"Nan." Kisame spoke, using the 'south' handsign.
"Gai." Zetsu spoke in his darker state of mind, using the 'boar' handsign.
"Shu." Itachi spoke, using the 'vermillion' handsign.
"Sei, Shō." Deidara spoke using the 'blue' and 'green' handsigns.
"Ummmm…I think I'll just go stand over there!" Tobi decided before whistling away.
"Leader is gonna be pissed!" Exclaimed a whisper.
"Shut up and concentrate, Hidan, or you really will end up dead." A whisper responded.
Everyone kept their hands clasped together and their eyes tightly closed. One by one, all of the stars in the sky went out, creating the perfect void. Then, out of faded space, a man enveloped in darkness appeared in the center of the seal. He was holding two fingers close to his face in the form of his own handsign. Soon, two evil eyes slowly opened, each eye had multiple rings around the pupil. His expression was unreadable in the darkness as he peered out at all of the seal users.
"Report. Have you obtained the Nine-Tails as instructed?"
Everyone instantly started looking around at each other, trying to figure out which person should tell the leader that they had failed to capture the most powerful Tailed Beast, kill the genin, and had overall screwed the mission like mammals do on the Discovery Channel.
They had a silent talk with each other, while Pein waited patiently with his arms neatly folded. Finally, they 'silently' elected Hidan, who knew from heart that it was he himself they had chosen because of his immortality.
"I knew it!! Just pick on the Jashinist you shitload of racist bastards!"
"Just grow some balls and tell the superior exactly what happened."
Hidan turned his outraged glare at Kakuzu. "Should I try stealing them and sewing them on my body, hah?"
"One more smart comment out of you, Hidan, and I will kill you."
"OOOOH like you could pull it off, Kakuzu! Nevermind, since no one else here is man enough to tell the leader how it went, I guess I will. Ahem!"
"Well, Hidan?" Pein inquired. "I'm waiting."
The Jashinist straightened himself up and ran a hand through his silverish combed hair.
"I confess." He started raising his arms higher. Everyone turned their heads to look at the handsome cultivist, eager to see how this would play out with Pein. "There was absolutely, positively no way in any way, shape, or form that Akatsuki did indeed become responsible for casting blame for the annoyingly disgusting fact that we might have possibly not have been absolutely a hundred percent certain that the Hidden Leaf Village's Bijuu may indeed be returning if not for the fact that certain protocol got in the way and helped us not impossibly succeed in obtaining the Nine-Tailed Fox."
Pein put his finger to his chin, nodding his head to Hidan.
"But that's not the critical part." Hidan explained, holding his index finger to the Leader of Akatsuki. "See, the really, really critical point is in whether or not we somehow possibly, indubitably may have succeeded in obtaining the Fox based on the undisputed fact that his village kinda', sorta', more or less didn't particularly feel that letting the demon container leave by himself would not-so-possibly be in fact the best available idea for the need of bringing Sasuke Uchiha back."
Kisame tried to speak out. "Um, Hidan, I really think you should…"
"See, basic protocol calls for sacrifice, but the trouble this time is that the sacrifices didn't necessarily want to be sacrificed, therefore, they could possibly not have been willing to not be alive…if that makes sense."
The leader calmly gave another silent nod.
"Therefore, I think everyone here, right here, right now in this very field…especially that guy right over there…"
Itachi motioned questionably to himself.
"Yes, you, Itachi, believe that according to certain guidelines passed down from generation to generation be deemed unfair to be accused in the act of only attempting to fulfill their role in duty, should only be punished even more harshly for quite possibly having necessarily not completed every single task handed to them." Hidan took a deep, exasperated breath.
"And that…is exactly what happened."
He finished his explanation with a white, flashy smile.
If there had been a more lively audience, there would have been guaranteed applause.
Pein stood still staring at him for a good long time; his finger still pressed against his chin, and would sometimes gradually move from his chin to his lip. He blinked once at him, and then once to everyone else with a turned head. They all blinked back.
"Hmmm…so you're saying that you all failed to capture the Nine-Tailed Fox…and not only that, but all of the objective targets that you have been assigned to dispatch have escaped, as well."
Hidan's eyes comically shot into dinner plates. This could not be happening.
'He saw through…'
"This is most unfortunate for all of you."
Everyone was about to take a simultaneous step out of their seal markers, but a gigantic red wave swept out of thin air, and cut right through Hidan in a flash, generating the sound of a blade. Everyone froze, and then they watched as Hidan's head slid off of his shoulders.
"Aw give me a fucking break!" The head shouted as it rolled across the ground.
"What have all of you done? Not only was this operation supposed to be carried out in absolute secrecy, but now all of the people assigned to this one mission will report what they have seen to the higher-ups, and in turn, the higher-ups will figure us out. When that happens, the response to our intervention will be met with even more retribution than the first time Akatsuki came to Konoha!"
"Sir, calm down."
"Why? What in this dismal, damning point of time lets you get close to even suggesting the idea that now is the time to relax??"
Kakuzu's glare deepened. "Because I have an alternate prize for Akatsuki." Pein watched Kakuzu grab Gaara, still unconscious, by the scruff of his shirt and hold him toward the leader. "The One-Tailed Raccoon." Gaara's head bobbed under Kakuzu's hold.
Pein's eyes narrowed. "I suppose…you're not total disappointments after all…" He concluded with folded arms. "Keep him restrained under Level 4 genjutsu."
"Hey, no problem. I gave him a thorough thrashing – he'll be out until spring."
"There will be no more risk-taking. You do what is required of you."
"Yessir."
"Hey, Leader-sama, where's Konan, un?" Deidara asked. He hadn't seen her in he didn't even know how long.
"She's busy shopping for towels. …Does it matter to you?"
"Well depending on how many rings are active during the extraction of the One-Tailed Beast's chakra, we could obtain only a little bit of its power or the amount of power put into terms with its entire body mass, right?"
"I know. Konan is safe with me. We are ready for whenever Akatsuki gathers for an extraction ritual."
"I was hoping to speak with you about something." Sasori spoke up.
Pein looked him over.
"…Where's Hiruko?"
Sasori winced at the question. He struggled under his breath not to explode at the constant reminders he was getting that he no longer has a body to shield himself. "LET me answer that by asking you this…"
Pein's eyes narrowed slightly.
"Have you ever thought about the possibility that Orochimaru might have kept a jinchuuriki for himself?"
His superior's expression did not change visibly in the dark.
"Alright, Sasori, you have my undivided attention."
A lengthy grin slowly wrapped around the human puppet's face.
"…I had a feeling…you would say that."
"All the Tailed Beasts are listed here, Leader-samaaaaaa!" Tobi squealed unnecessarily, rushing in between the two to show him his Akatsuki Handbook.
Pein stared at the young-looking masked boy.
"…We have a handbook…?"