Chapter Nine
"Things keep getting worse."
Marea stared at Anders for a moment before shaking her head, putting her hands on her hips. "Well hello to you too," she mumbled under her breath with a roll of her eyes and the mage looked ashamed for one fleeting second before turning the gaze she had aptly named 'the puppy eyes' on her. Sighing she folded her arms, "What's wrong?"
"I had Templars practically at my doorstep the other night, the only reason they didn't find me was because the refugees down here covered my arse," he hissed, glowering down at the dirt. It had taken every part of his willpower to keep Justice in check, to remain hidden instead of destroying the bastards.
Throwing her hands up in the air the blonde groaned in annoyance, pointing her finger in between his eyes with a sense of finality. Strange how she could always make him feel like a child who'd done wrong. "Don't tell me these things! I might have to kidnap you and lock you up; to keep them off of you, of course."
Unable to help himself Anders chuckled, answering her teasing with easy familiarity, "Sweetheart, I'm not letting anyone lock me up...Even you."
"Oh fine, you say that now, but just you wait," she flirted with a small smile, giggling when shock flittered over his features. It was nice to turn the tables, if only for once; it was always him that fought with threats and promises, so why not fight fire with fire. "But have it your way. We haven't spoken in a while...How are you?"
He could tell she was tentative to ask, as if the slightest thing might set him off, and he had to admit with the Justice-induced migraine he'd had hammering in his head over the last week he didn't blame her. "Oh, good. Yes. I absolutely lovewhat Knight-Commander Meredith has done with the place," he grumbled sarcastically, though he forced back the bite to his voice when she stared down at her feet. "The curfews, the midnight raids on mage's families; everyone I know forced into hiding so they won't be made Tranquil."
Marea's gaze became one of stony determination. "If they want you they'll have to come through me."
"Just being with me puts you at risk; the Knight-Commander had declared supporting Apostates a hanging offence...The thought of them hurting you...Everything I've done to control this – I don't care. I would drown us in blood to keep you safe."
"How...romantic," the blonde said quietly, raising her eyebrow incredulously.
He scowled.
"I mean it Hawke. If any of them were to touch you – "
"I don't want you to lose yourself; to the Templars or Justice."
Anders snorted and crossed his arms, turning away to glower out of the door at the lethargic to and fro of Darktown life; he didn't need to look at Hawke to know she was glaring at him. He could practically feel the heat, and he could feel her shift her weight onto one leg. "How much is left if you strip both those out," he hissed bitterly before glancing over his shoulder, cringing at the miserable expression on the young woman's face. "I- I'm sorry, I can't be anyone but who I am; there will be more violence, I know that...if you tie yourself to me I'll only hurt you."
"Nothing would hurt as much as losing you."
The sincerity in her voice was like a slap to the face. Shaking his head he shifted to face her and took her hands in his, "You don't want this. I have no control around you. You could have a normal life; you don't want an Apostate. Don't tempt me, not unless you're ready for what that truly means."
The scowl of disgust cut deep across Hawke's features as she tugged her hands from his grasp mercilessly. So what had the last three years been? Every time she saw him she tried to let him know how much she cared, how much (Maker forbid) she wanted him...and every time she tried he pushed her away with the same excuses. I'll hurt you. I'll break your heart. Honestly she was getting to the point where she was considering asking Isabella for help...and 'Bella was never an option...
"Don't bullshit me, Anders. Don't stand there telling me what I do and don't want, I get enough of that crap from my mother."
Hawke watched Ander's look down at his feet in embarrassment, she knew he'd noticed the strain the change in her and mother's relationship had put on her...After so many years of being ignored, of fending for herself without having to worry about whether or not Leandra would be at the door, skulking about the corridors waiting for her. Suddenly having her mother's attention and affection thrust on her was unnerving and wholly unwanted. She wasn't used to it and Marea certainly couldn't shaking off the feeling that the older woman was just trying to fill the void Bethany's death and left.
Her suspicions were heightened when she'd find a new dress laid out for her on her bed, or when she found jewels and powders and vials of sweet smelling oils littering her bedroom. Although she wasn't against behaving and feeling like a woman for a while, she took offence that it was only now her sister was gone that mother was interested in 'training' her like she had Bethany. Lenadra had even gone so far as to offer to braid Hawke's hair for her the other night...
She tried not to think on the flicker of hurt in her mother's eyes when she'd declined and locked herself in her room.
When the mage didn't say a word to defend himself or to apologise she shook her head, growling under her breath and stalked towards the doors. Marea's step faltered for a moment before she turned to look over her shoulder, pinning him in place with her steely regard. "Oh. If you want to know what's left if you stripped away Justice and the Templars, look around, Anders. This is what's left; you help people when no one else will so much as spare a glance. That's not the work of a heartless man."
Hawke's gazed softened at the pained look on the mage's face, half expecting him to say something; however when no words were said and he determinedly set about rearranging the tiny vials lining the wall to his left the blonde threw her hands in the air once more.
"Why do I even bloody bother? Sod it all!"
And Anders was once more left to his, turbulent, thoughts.
Hawke didn't come to his clinic for nearly a fortnight. It didn't take blood magic to know she was angry with him and Anders was too much of a coward to find her. He avoided the Hanged Man like it harboured the plague; he had no doubt that she would be there with Varric and the others playing cards and the idea of meeting her, especially with their friends about (namely Aveline) set his nerves on edge. Not to mention he liked having all of his limbs attached, thank you very much.
As such he'd been shocked when she burst into the clinic with Fenris and Merrill trailing behind her and had asked him if she would help her. He hadn't waited for details before he agreed with Justice's disapproval of his impulsiveness ringing in the back of his mind. Marea hadn't given him any; she'd just nodded once and had turned to leave just as quickly as she'd come.
Kodi had bounded up to him excitedly when he followed her out into Darktown, licking his hands, his coat and even going so far as to propping himself up on his hind legs to give his face the appropriate greeting. Spluttering Anders pushed the Mabari from him and wiped his face on the back of his sleeve, only find more saliva spread over his cheeks...
Don't wretch, don't wretch...
"Enough!" he said firmly and the hound paused in his joyous circle to cock his head in his direction questioningly, "I don't like all of this slobbery affection...Be a real pet. Ignore me until you want something and then – and then sit on my head."
Chuffing happily the Mabari wagged his stumpy tail, gave his hand one last lick before bouncing to his mistress who patted him on the head, watching him from behind her hair. She...She'd done that on purpose...Sneaky, horrible woman that she was.
Sighing, the mage wiped his hands clean on a dry patch of his coat before cleaning his face off, grumbling quietly under his breath. "Maker I miss Ser Pounce-a-lot..."
The trip to the Alienage was strangely quiet and sombre – something he hadn't expected from Varric and Merrill. Usually the dwarf would entertain the aspiring blood mage with stories, either about Hawke's daring or of little tales he made up on the spot and adapted as she gave him elements to work off; it had always resulted in some highly entertaining anecdotes on their companions.
When they got there he was surprised to see Marethari studying the large tree in the centre, waiting for something, or someone. As Hawke descended the steps she turned to face them, inclining her head once and the blonde paid the same respect. Neither moved for a long moment and Anders could only watch as the two women regarded each other in solemn silence before they both walked into the ramshackle home to their right; he could do nothing but follow.
"I had not thought to return in such a way."
Marea looked over her shoulder and frowned at the strange tone in Anders' voice, familiar from the few times Justice had forced his way to the front of his mind and seized control. Fenris and Merrill stopped a little ahead of them both watching quietly and more than ready to intervene should the need arise, the elf tense as he glared at the spirit beside her; but Hawke wasn't going to let it get that far, not with the Keeper's warning in her head. To strike Feynriel down in the Fade would make him Tranquil in their world...
Maker knew she couldn't do that to a teenage boy, not when the reason he was like this was because of her inability to see past the Circle's lies...And she'd certainly never do it to Anders; even if the spirit inside of him tried to strike her down here.
"It is good to feel the breath of the Fade again, not the empty air of your world."
Hawke scowled. "Ah, Justice, your words as always leave a warm feeling inside every time you speak to me. Truly, your manners leave me speechless."
Though now she thought about it the way Anders' eyes glowed was oddly...beautiful. She couldget used to it, if not for Justice's general lack of interest in his mage's wellbeing.
"Anders told you of me." It was a statement, not a question...and from the way Justice refused to meet her eye she could have sworn he was trying to avoid her. Which was of course impossible – Anders had made it perfectly clear that he was a spirit and that spirits didn't feel as humans felt. Still, if she didn't know any better...
"Come, we should go. I sense Feynriel's mind straining; we will not have much time."
Clearly the absence she'd had from Anders had done something to addle her brain, because now she certain that there was accusation in the spirits voice. Shaking her head the blonde jogged after Anders – or rather Justice in Anders' body...Makerthis was getting confusing...
No sooner had they descended the stairs of the Gallows (Marea shuddered at the bizarreness of it all) that they were confronted by a demon. It was a slender, languid thing, slithering about the ground like a snake; from her few encounters she'd had with such things she realised it was a Shade. A creature of sloth and deception. As she stepped into point Hawke felt Justice spark into life behind her, his magic and raw power sending her hair on end pleasantly.
"Well...It's rare to see two forgotten magics in one day. It's usually a slow existence in the Fade, not many surprises; I wasn't sure I'd like this one but it has...potential." The blonde trembled with the effort of willpower it took to keep her mind focused on what she had come to do; the sound of the demon's voice alone was powerful enough and it was only the incessant crackle of Justice in the background invigorating her body that stopped her from simply closing her eyes. Not to mention she really didn't like the sound of that...Who had any idea the word 'potential' could be so – so slimy?
"A demon of Sloth, it exists to make men forget their purpose and their pride, do not relax around it."
"Yes thank you for that, Justice, I have everything under control and I am perfectly aware of what the demon is," Marea snapped, crossing her arms irritably her hip, much to Varric's amusement, popping as she glowered at the spirit behind her. Did he have to sound so patronizing? Did he truly think her a fool? She was the daughter of an Apostate for the love of Andraste's flaming sword, she wasn't about to make a deal with a demon.
"Call me Torpor...I have a proposition that might interest you."
Hawke shook her head immediately and sliced a hand tetchily through the air in front of her. "Absolutely not. I'm not in the habit of accepting deals from demons and I certainly don't feel like starting now."
"Hawke you should at least listen to what it wants to offer. We could use it..."
"No, Merrill. Demons turn on you and I've made up my mind, I swear if anyone tries to convince me otherwise I'm going to go mad," she hissed and reached round to unsheathe her daggers. Her group could only watch in surprise as she launched herself forward, the blade embedding in the creature's skull with a strength that belied her small stature.
More burst from the floor as Hawke continued to battle against the weakening effects of the Demon. As she raised her hand to sink her dagger into its insubstantial flesh one last time before it could incapacitate her further, Marea stared in shock as the creature burst into a cloud of dust, momentarily choking her. Justice lowered his hand, electricity jumping from his fingers and set his unreadable gaze on her.
It was Merrill who approached her first, to counter the demon's curses, and even as Marea turned to converse in hushed, tense tones with the mage she could feel his expressionless blue orbs on her back.
It had torn at Marea's heartstrings when Merrill had turned on her; but she couldn't bring herself to blame her friend for the transgression. Merrill had so much to prove, to herself and to her clan that the blonde was hardly surprised when the elf had turned her staff on her instead of the powerful demon in front of them; she would have to remember to go and speak to the poor girl when she woke. She was almost certain that Merrill would be beside herself for attacking her 'lethallan' and she wasn't about to make her feel any worse about the entire situation...And yet she could barely keep control of her own emotions and miserable shock.
She had thought she was close to the small brunette, and though she could never fill the hole losing her clan had left she'd hoped that she'd meant something to the elf. Apparently not. Fenris hadn't dared to comment on the tears that she convinced herself weren't there but Justice had stood in front of her, shifting his weight so she couldn't get past him.
Now she wasn't imagining the confusion on his face, but she didn't think she had the patience to try and explain such a complex emotion with the spirit, especially not when the pain was still fresh. However, after a moment or so he'd brushed the damp away from her cheeks and turned without a word to stride across the entrance hall to the bottom of the next staircase.
"Tis a Demon of desire behind this door. Be warned."
Bobbing her head in thanks Hawke quickly ushered her way past the confusing spirit trying to focus herself for what was coming next.
However, as it was, nothing could have prepared any of them for what the demon would say.
"You! You turned him against me."
Hawke snorted and crossed her arms for the second time since they'd entered the Fade, raising an eyebrow as the demon passed her hands over her breasts. Honestly...she'd managed to turn down Isabellaplenty of times, and there was nothing she was certain that this creature had that the pirate didn't.
"Oh? I'm so terribly sorry, I was trying to help. Honest," came Hawke's dry retort as she glowered at the demon that would have preyed on an innocent boy. Having an apostate for a father who had taught all of his children the theory behind magic seemed to have given her a level of immunity to the creatures of the Fade, mostly; she had to work on keeping her mind focused, but it was possible. She just needed to concentrate of Justice's presence behind her and she would be fine.
"You take my pets...and yet you're no better than the boy," the demon hissed through its teeth, glaring at Hawke with barely masked loathing and fury. "You stand there adamant that I cannot touch you but I can see in your heart, little girl and it's as full of desire as mine is to make your desires come true. Always the secondary woman, people loved your sister; how could they not - and how could anyone even so much as look at you when she was around? Even your little Apostate found something kindred in her. I see your desire to be more beautiful, wittier; charmingso you can have your man, so he can't deny you anymore. I could give it to you, for the right price of course. The boy, for this, it's a fair trade is it not?"
"Still your lies, Demon!" Justice roared, placing a hand on the blonde's shoulder to steady her; it simply sent her mind spiralling out of control. For a moment she thought of everything she wanted to do to him, things she'd only ever been able to imagine from the lewd books Isabella crammed into her shelves in the study as she moved her inexperienced fingers over her body on a night. Fingers that had learnt to play her so well and longed to learn what made Anders sing.
She would part his robe and run her fingers over his chest, the shirt he wore beneath was thin, she knew from experience in far less pleasurable situations and she would kiss his neck until he begged her for more. Then when he couldn't take the teasing and was sure to go mad with desire she'd help him undress and would settle between those glorious thighs and take him into her mouth until even Justicecouldn't hold back any longer.
Maker she could hear him calling her name already, the rugged ecstasy rasping his throat hoarse as he stuttered to completion, the icy fire burning across his skin as Justice thrust into her mouth...
Marea bit her lip hard, the tang of blood and the sharp pain bringing her back to her senses. Electricity was dancing across the hard planes of Anders' body as Justice sought to release the overly warm and horrendously embarrassed Hawke from the demon's spell.
"Lies are they?" the wicked incarnate of a woman chuckled, her vivid violet eyes settled unnervingly on her thrall. "She seems awfully flushed for someone who doesn't desire the man inside you, spirit. Even now I can sense her carnal desire; she wants you as much as she wants Ande – "
"Silence! You shall not have her!"
The air was thick and for an instant both Hawke and Fenris were left gasping for air as Justice twisted the Fade against the creature of lust in front of them. Its inhuman shriek of anger and agony had her clasp her hands over her ears as the spirit's cleansing fire burned in her veins, chasing away every last trace of the demon's enchantment in a matter of moments.
Gasping silently Marea took the outstretched hand the spirit extended to her and he gently, far more so than she ever expected from him, helped her to regain her footing as the nausea subsided. "I – I feel like I've spent an evening at the Hanged Man and woken up in a gutter with no recollection of how I got there or who's trousers I'm wearing..."
"This has...happened before?" Justice asked after a long silence, tentative as he manhandled the woman his host was so infinitely fond of. He was...beginning to understand why, he thought.
"Only once...And I have no intentions of doing it again."
The spirit regarded her, silent and sombre, as Fenris shifted to their left, coughing softly to try and turn their attentions back to the task at hand. Eventually Justice let go of her and stepped back and out of her personal space, leaving her skin oddly cold against the chill of the Fade. "We will see to the boy and then," he paused until the blonde was looking at her, "You and I will be talking, Hawke."
If that sentence didn't fill her with equal parts dread and excitement nothing ever would. With a grave nod Marea turned out of the door, chewing her lower lip as she went.
The tendrils of power holding her to the Fade had changed, instead of feeling the golden strand of yarn wrapped about her wrist to slither across the floor and disappear into nothing it had changed to a possessive cold blue, tightened about her waist and led straight to...Marea had to swallow thickly, Justice.
Maker he knows...He knows that I want to...and he's going to kill me because of it...Please Maker no! I don't want to die a virgin, if Sebastian has got to have sex don't let me die without feeling a man's touch...
However the smiting she was expecting never came and after a tentative moment or so the blonde turned her gaze to look at Justice's expression. He didn't look like he wanted to maim her, which was something she supposed; instead there was a flicker of...confusion, puzzlement and...awe. He was gazing at her like she was a particularly hard riddle that he was desperate to figure out.
She was about to ask what he wanted to speak to her about when he finally broke the awkwardness.
"I – admit I do not understand."
Blinking Hawke frowned before shaking her head, "I don't – "
"I can feel what Anders feels for you and...I felt what you felt when we were conversing with that demon; but I do not understand. What makes a man look at a woman and..."
Some sense of decency had the spirit trailing off into silence and Marea couldn't help but be grateful for that. She'd already felt like her head would burst from the heat her blush created once today, she didn't want to experience it again. Justice locked his eyes on her face, hesitantly raising a hand to gently brush the skin of her cheek, where he'd wiped her tears away earlier.
He looked so...desperate for some form of answer that the blonde found herself speaking before she'd thought about what she was saying. "You're not meant to understand it, Justice – I know I don't. It's part of being human, it's how the Maker chose to make us and I don't feel like questioning him."
"No...But you're distracting him from our cause. He is more concerned keeping you safe than stopping the oppression the mages deal with every day."
Timidly she soothingly took his hand in hers, pulling it away from her face with a small sigh. "I know it's hard to recognize, Justice but there is more to life than the oppression of the mages; there are plenty more injustices people face every day. Men beat their wives, they kill each other, the Chantry has prejudices against more than just magic and it's an injustice for you to stop a man from having a woman who cares about him."
The spirit didn't move, instead just stared at the blonde in front of him, concentration etched into his features. When a response wasn't forthcoming Hawke squeezed his hand and bought it to her lips, brushing her mouth against his knuckles, wary of the way he tensed but made no move to pull his hand from her. "I...care for Anders deeply. He knows that but what I don't think he realises is that I care as deeply for you as I do for him. You might not have always been part of him, but you are now and I wouldn't change any part of him. The cause for the mages is part of who he is and I'll help him fight for it, but I can't do that if you refuse to let me near."
"I...do not know what to say."
"Then don't say anything, just think about how you feel."
Releasing the spirit's hand Marea bit her lower lip, watching his features change with each thought that cross his head; perhaps creatures of the Fade could feel as much as humans. Or perhaps Justice was feeding from Anders' own emotions to spur him on. Whatever the case she couldn't have been more surprised when strong hands cupped her jaw and pulled her face to his for a bruising kiss.
There was no tenderness, simply the raw desire and need; she could only think that love was too complicated for him to understand yet. She would give him time. Tenderly she helped slow the battle of hot tongues and soft lips to a more affectionate gesture before parting, her fingers caressing the steady pulse she felt there.
"I shall let you have this should he want it...for now. But know I will be watching, little one, and waiting for the moment where your mild distracting becomes too influential."
Before Hawke could so much as breathethe Fade dissolved around her and with a jerk she awoke with a gasp on Arianni's floor.
Smiling slightly she pressed her fingers to her lips, ignoring Fenris' curiosity to revel in the after bliss of that strange kiss. It was not what she had expected their first kiss to be like, but she certainly wasn't complaining. As she pushed herself up she heard the frantic thud of boots on the hardwood floor and as she turned to stare at the place Anders had been when they'd entered the Fade she was shocked to see the flash of his coat as he fled the Alienage.