Chapter 10

When she woke up late in the night it wasn't due to fear or panic, not this time. She woke up because it seemed that on occasion Rumpelstiltskin snored. The sound was so out of the norm for her that her eyes fluttered open and she looked around in confusion. Not only was she lying down now, with him warm at her back and snoring into her ear, they were in his bed and snuggled warmly under his comforter. He must have moved them to a more comfortable location while she was sleeping and she found she didn't mind. Behind her he snored again and she laughed quietly, turning over to face him. His arm was draped limply over her middle and she saw it was dark out, although what time it really was she didn't know. He didn't have a clock in his room for whatever reason. She thought it was quite possible that after three hundred years or so time started to loose it's meaning. It certainly hadn't mattered to her as she sat rotting in her cell, no more than it meant another long day of boredom, regret, and sorrow. Regardless, she supposed it didn't matter because she was still tired and he was still here.

Pressing her head under his chin she shook him gently. She didn't really want to wake him up, but there was no way she could sleep with this kind of noise right beside her. He muttered something unintelligible and she mumbled sleepily. "You're snoring, Rumple."

"I don't snore." He insisted, still mostly asleep.

She rolled her eyes, amused. "Fine, you're channeling a dragon in your sleep."

"Ridiculous. There aren't dragons here." He said before readjusting himself around her and drifting somewhere between sleep and wakefulness, although she thought he was hovering closer to sleep than anything. She cuddled closer to him, enjoying being able to snuggle with him. He grunted softly as she jostled into him and promptly conformed to her. "Going to knock us off the bed." He informed her.

"You won't let me fall." She responded with surety. "Is it time to get up? I don't want to get up yet."

"No, it's not time to get up." He reached up and began to stroke the back of her head gently. "You can go back to sleep."

That was the best news she had heard in a long time. Murmuring her approval of this information she slid her arm over his slim waist and made herself comfortable. Despite her waking him and bumping him she could tell he was content. His fingers dug their way into her hair and soon he was rubbing her scalp in the loveliest manner. She let out a hum of approval and stretched out along him. "Nice."

He rubbed his way down to her neck and she cooed. Her whole body tingled at the sensations and she pressed into his hand. Palming her neck at that reaction he rubbed her for several minutes until she went limp and still again and then kissed her head and pulled the blanket more firmly over them. At some point her shoulder had become exposed to the night air and he couldn't have her getting cold. He must have thought she was asleep, and she nearly was, because he rubbed her back gently and mumbled to himself. "My Belle."

She supposed in a lot of ways she was, but he was hers too so she wasn't overly bothered by his possessive comment. Feeling content with that she slipped easily back to sleep and didn't wake up again until midmorning. She probably would have slept longer, the gods knew she needed the rest, but she found herself alone in bed. Rumple was trying to get a clean suit out of his closet quietly, so as not to disturb her, but she woke up anyway. She wasn't sure what part of her was alarmed by him not being next to her, but it certainly alerted her to his absence. "You let me sleep too long." She told him as she stretched out under the comforter and noted the brightness of the room. Already she knew she was late to work with the way the sun was shining in the windows, but simply didn't want to move.

He shrugged as he pulled out a crisp grey suit. "You needed the rest." He told her. "The library can stay closed one day."

She hid her face in the pillow, not wanting to get out of this ridiculously luxurious bed. It was much softer than the couch at her apartment. "Ruby will think something happened. I'm always at Granny's in the mornings."

"She'll think you've decided to sleep in. Stop your fretting." He headed toward the door after snagging a tie off the special rack he had for them. "Besides, they know you're with me. Do you want breakfast?"

What she really wanted was for him to come back to bed with her. However, she'd been asleep for twelve hours easily, and it was probably long enough. "I can help."

"I'd rather you be lazy." He told her as he checked a seam on the shoulder of the jacket he was holding. "You've gone too long without rest."

"I was lazy all yesterday afternoon." She informed him. "I think it's your turn to be lazy. I don't mind making breakfast."

"Another day." He said as he walked by.

She shocked herself by pouting at him, on purpose. "Rumpelstiltskin." He actually paused at the tone, swaying mid-step as she watched him. "How long would it take you to make breakfast?"

He answered, his eyes locked on her lower lip. "Half an hour."

"I'm not hungry. Come over here and be lazy for that half an hour you would have spent cooking." Looking pleased by her logic he set his clothes over the back of a chair so they wouldn't wrinkle and then sat down gingerly on the side of the bed. Refusing to have that she grabbed his hand and tugged. "We spent all night pressed up against one another, I don't see why you've gone and gotten all standoffish now. Especially after you moved me up here from the couch. Finding myself in your bed is a bit suggestive really."

He looked doubtful all at once. "I wanted you comfortable."

"Good news." She pulled again and he slid down beside her with a soft wump as he hit the sheets and pillows. "Because I'm more comfortable when I can use you as my pillow." Letting out a shocked little laugh he stretched out on his back and she promptly put her head on his chest. Before he could do anything she had her arm over his waist and was pressing her cheek against the spot over his heart, hearing it beating a little faster than normal. Lifting his hand up he set it on her shoulder and his thumb ran over the fabric of her dress. "This is much better than breakfast." She informed him.

Turning his head he set the side of his head on the top of hers. His lips were resting on her forehead and his nose tickled at her curls. "Are you bothered I brought you up here?"

"No." She answered honestly. "This is much more comfortable than the couch."

He let out a low breath and she let herself relax fully into him. Lifting the hand that wasn't caressing her shoulder he ran his fingers over hers as they rested on his chest. Her breath caught as they ran up to her wrist to touch the bracelet he'd given her. "You're still sleeping on your couch?"

"Yes." She answered, her finger tracing a button on his shirt. "I can go in my room now, but only for a few minutes at a time. I can't sleep in there."

His lips pressed warmly against her forehead. "Don't worry yourself about it, dearie."

"It's not normal." She sighed.

"Nothing about our lives is normal." He told her. "We could move the bed into your living room."

"As a reminder I can't sleep in my own room?" She asked, sarcasm tinting her voice.

He ignored her annoyance with her own limitations. "So you can sleep properly."

"That has nothing to do with the couch."

He kissed her forehead again. "It would be a good thing to try, love."

"Maybe." She admitted, although she still didn't want to do that. It felt a lot like giving up and that wasn't in her nature. She believed that if she kept trying eventually she would be able to succeed at this.

He tried a different route. "You didn't seem to have a problem sleeping in here."

"No." She agreed, knowing what he was trying to do. She could hear him trying to weave a deal in the way his voice subtly changed pitch. She didn't know if that said more about him or about her that she could tell, that she was always listening for it. "I'm not ready to move back yet, Rumple."

"Okay." He said, dropping the subject the moment he knew she was onto him. At least he had enough respect for her not to push it at her.

She felt bad at once, although she knew she was right about this. "We've been doing so much better like this."

He let out a low sigh. "I know." And she heard that he believed it. "I didn't mean to force the issue."

Lifting her head up she shifted up the bed and met his eyes. "You're not the reason I haven't come back yet." She said honestly. "I think yesterday proved I am. I'm not going to make you deal with someone unstable."

"Dearest." He said gently, his arms going around her and drawing her down to him again. "You aren't unstable. You aren't broken." He shifted so they were on their sides facing one another, holding her close to him. "You've been hurt. That's what happened. That's why you act the way you act. You aren't an issue to be dealt with. You're my princess."

She watched him, tracing his jaw and liking the stubble that was growing there despite herself. She was curious to know if anyone else had ever seen him so unkempt before or if she were as unique as she thought. "I'm not a princess." She told him again tiredly. "I'm not even a lady anymore. I'm only a librarian."

"You're a princess to me." He told her seriously before beginning to tease, trying to lighten the mood, which she half appreciated. "I'm going to make you a crown so you believe me." That got a small amused smile out of her and he relaxed a little as his eyes sparkled. "Gold and pearls I think. And sapphires to match your eyes."

She watched him, knowing very well he would make her one if she showed an instant of approval of that idea. But she didn't want a crown, or gold, or dresses, or whatever else he thought a princess should have. She wanted something else, she wanted an answer to something she had been curious about for a long time. "Why am I special?"

He frowned. "What?"

"Why am I special to you?" She clarified. "You've met so many people. I know you're older than you look. You've been alive since at least the first ogre wars, if not longer. You've met so many other people, so many other women, and we were apart for so long. I don't understand what about me made me matter to you. I'm not anyone special. I never had money, or grace, or magic, or any of the other things that make someone special. Why wasn't I just one more deal?" He was watching her as if she was asking him the most ridiculous question he had ever heard. He was simply mystified, as if it were so simply she should know, but she didn't. "Why?" She insisted.

"How can you think you aren't special?"

"Because I'm not." She answered. "I'm just…me."

It was clear he had not a clue where to begin. It was as if he were trying to find a way to describe something so very vast that there was no place to start, no way to articulate what it was about her that made her matter. After several seconds he tried. "I may have listened to you, but you saw me. No one, not one person save Bae ever looked at me and saw someone worth caring for. I was a poor man, or a cripple, or a coward, and later a beast that spun lies and deals. That was all I ever was save for a few short years where someone called me father. You…" He stroked her face, his hand sliding back into her hair. "You saw a man worth being brave for. You saw someone worth loving. You made me think I might be able to be more than a monster."

She wished he would stop thinking of himself that way. It was a hateful thought that was slowly wearing away at the humanity he was somehow hanging onto. "Rumple, you aren't a monster."

He shifted closer still. "That's why you're special." He whispered. "You see with something more powerful than your eyes." He cupped her neck and pulled her face to his, barely touching his lips to hers. Shivering at the sensation her eyes fluttered closed and he whispered to her as he pulled back a little, his rough brogue vibrating through her. "That's an amazing gift, to be able to see a man instead of a beast." He smiled a little sadly. "Maybe one day living with me again won't be so unappealing." She kissed him at once as her stomach knotted, and after a moment she drew away as guilt pooled in her belly. He saw the unease in her expression and frowned. "Belle?"

"I need to tell you something." She said softly, bracing herself. "I should have told you before."

"All right." He said.

She shifted uncomfortably. "I did move out at first because of our fight…" She hesitated badly before pushing forward. "But that's not why I haven't come back yet. I do want to come back to you, Rumpelstiltskin."

He frowned more deeply. "Then why don't you?"

She wasn't sure how to get into this. She had been avoiding it for a long time now. It would have been smart to think about it before, but she had been too frightened of him leaving her to even contemplate it. She thought she might be even more terrified now that her father made it clear where he stood, which appeared to be far away from her. Taking a breath she steadied herself. "I needed to be sure I could take care of myself again. I needed to be sure I was stable. I couldn't risk finding out I wasn't when we were together all the time. I was scared you would send me back if I wasn't better, or that I would disrupt whatever it is you were plotting here. I thought if I wasn't it would be easier to hide living alone."

"Hide? Hide what?"

She rubbed the spot over his heart, loosing eye contact. "That I might be crazy."

"Belle, I told you that you aren't broken."

"Rumple, I was crazy." She lifted her eyes again. "That was what the curse did to me. You know my happiness was always the control my thoughts gave me. That's what always made me feel safe, being able to think through things. The magic must have known." She wasn't sure what else it could have been. She doubted even Regina would have thought it up even if she did want her locked up somewhere secret. "That's why I don't know how to work anything in this world. That was why I had no idea what a phone was when you showed me yours that morning. You were right, when the spell broke I still had all my false memories, but the fake me had always been in the asylum, at least since I was very little. The fake me used to hurt myself all the time. I saw and heard things that weren't real. That's why I was there." She gulped as horribly understanding flooded his face. "The only reason I managed to find you when I got out was because they had switched my medication a few weeks before to something that actually worked. I was having a good day on top of that too. It's actually fairly amazing I didn't forget what I was supposed to do when I got outside with the way I was. I honestly don't know how I managed to find you, or even remember the name I was given to ask who you were when I did find you."

She pushed on, wanting to get this all out. "I really thought all this was another delusion after we got back to the house that night. I didn't think you were real for almost four days. I didn't think anything was real." She felt as lost now, at this moment, as she had then. "And then when my father tried to send me over the line… I knew what would have happened. I would have been crazy all over again. That's why I was so angry when you got me loose. If you had been any later you would have had to send me back to the asylum." She made a helpless motion. "I didn't really mean what I said about not wanting to see you again. I was just so upset with everything."

Rumpelstiltskin was trying to find a place to start. "Your father tried to send you over the line knowing that?" Rumpelstiltskin all but spat. "The gods only know what would have happened to you out in the woods in that state!"

"I'm not sure he knew what had happened to me. He didn't seem to know I wasn't with you the whole time." She said. "And I never got a chance to say before that man dragged me to the mines."

"How could he not have known?" He was gearing up for a real fit now.

"Maybe we weren't related in this fake life." She suggested, having wondered this herself. They wouldn't be the only ones that happened to in this town, that was for sure. She was certain, even with their disagreements that her father would have never wanted her to be insane. At least she hoped he would have chosen having her in love with a man he hated to that. "I don't have any fake memories about him. I don't have any memories of anything before the cell. Nothing clear at any rate. I think the drugs and magic muddled it all together on purpose." He growled low in his chest, pushing himself up so he was sitting again. When he looked toward the window she sat up too, tucking her legs underneath herself to stay balanced. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I was afraid I was still crazy and if you found out you would send me back."

"You're never going back! I can't believe you thought I would ever let that happen again!" He snapped as he stood all the way up. He moved to the window, his cane tapping angrily on the wooden floorboards, and yanked the curtains open so hard they were nearly ripped from their metal hooks. She said nothing as he snarled out at the world, her hands toying with the coverlet as she watched him nervously. After a moment he turned back to face her. "You're the one constantly insisting on honesty and trust and yet you kept this from me." He wasn't yelling, but his voice was clipped.

"I know." She said, her voice strangled. "You're right. I should have told you." He was right to be angry about this. She didn't blame him for it at all and so she made no attempt to defend herself.

He said nothing for what felt like an eternity as she fidgeted, looking down at her hands. Finally, he spoke. "Is there anything else you haven't told me?" He asked. When she visibly flinched she heard him tap the cane hard on the floor as he tried to vent his frustration. "Well?" He asked.

"I had an argument with my father last week." She said so quietly she was actually amazed he heard her.

"You've gone to see him?" She couldn't tell if he were bothered or relived. She doubted he cared for her father's sake, but maybe he thought it would make her life better. "Why did you feel the need to hide that?" He must have known eventually she would go to see him the same way she had come back to him. He was no doubt simply waiting for it to happen, had most likely made any number of plans and provisions for when it did. He saw no reason to be bothered by it, other than his general dislike of her father, which she supposed he was willing to deal with if it kept her happy. Of course, he didn't know what had happened between them or he may well have done everything in his power to keep her away from the flower shop to save her the pain. Either that or thrust her at it to assure himself that he was the only thing she had. Both scenarios seemed equally as likely to her.

What was there to say? "I don't know." She said after a moment. "I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to do, or what to say. Maybe I needed time to think."

"Think about what?" He asked with rather strained patience.

"Why did you hurt my father?" She asked quietly. She knew he had taken the one thing Rumpelstiltskin cherished here, but knew there was more to the story than that. "He said you hurt him, Rumpelstiltskin." She was all but begging him to explain with her eyes. "Over my cup?"

He looked sharply back out the window and he said nothing for a long time. "I thought he was the one that… Belle, I do regret that. I took my anger out on the wrong person."

"You thought what?" She prompted.

"I was told when you got home to him in the other world that he had you sent to clerks to be cleansed. They hurt you, tortured you. They broke you and burned you until you couldn't stand it anymore. Eventually you threw yourself off a tower and died to end it." His face was blank and his voice devoid of emotion. "That's what I knew. I even went to the place looking to be sure. Regina planted men there that told me the same. The villagers nearby told me they'd seen a woman jump, seen her taken away broken and bloody. They said she had chestnut hair and thought she must have been pretty before the burns. That's why I was so sure you were dead. Clearly I should have dug up the grave as well, but I couldn't bring myself to disturb the peace I thought you had finally found." His hand tightened around the head of his cane as he remembered his grief, and no doubt his rage too. "I thought he sent you to that hell. I kept away in the other world, because I knew you would have hated me for killing him no matter what he had done to you. Believe it or not I did understand the sacrifice you made to save him. I know the strength of family bonds better than most. I tried to stay away from him here too, but I couldn't, not for that, not with him so close. I harassed him and took his truck when he was late on a payment. Regina told him to steal your cup from me to get even. I lost my temper."

She could only imagine what that must have looked like. "Why didn't you tell me he was here when I asked?"

"Because I am as I am. I'm a selfish coward." He answered. "I don't have an excuse for that." He kept his eyes on the glass. "I couldn't stand to loose you a second time, although I nearly did anyway." She said nothing, taking in the information and simply putting it away once she looked at it with no more interest than she had for horses or sword fights. The silence must have stretched longer than she thought, because he jolted her out of her thoughts. "Belle?"

"Yes?"

"Are you angry?"

"No." She replied. "Although I think I should be. But to be fair you should be angry with me too."

He let out a low breath and finally turned back to her. "What happened then?" He asked. "You wouldn't have kept it from me unless something happened."

"My father thinks I'm ruined." She answered dully. "He won't see me again as long as I'm associating with you."

He tapped his cane again, clearly thinking deeply, before nodding to himself. "I understand." He said, his voice tight. "It's all right, Belle."

"How is it all right?" She asked, really wanting to know.

Shaking his head he turned away from her so his back was to her completely. "You go back. I'll stay away, I promise."

"What are you talking about?"

He stared out the window, his back ramrod straight. "Go back to your father." He said simply.

She felt as if he had stabbed her in the heart. "Don't you want me either?" She asked after she managed to find her voice.

His shoulders twitched. "You shouldn't have to pick, dearie." He said calmly. "Go home."

"No, I shouldn't." She said tightly. "And you're trying to pick for me." He stilled again and she watched his back with a look of devastation on her face. "I shouldn't have to pick. Are you going to try to make me do that too?"

"No, Belle." He said softly as he rotated back to look at her. "I'm not, but this isn't simple. We'll always be at odds your father and I. There's too much history between us for it to be any other way."

"I won't pick." She said stubbornly. Because she shouldn't have to. No one should have to pick between two people that they loved, two people that they considered family.

He watched her seriously. "Haven't you already?"

"I've chosen to make my own life. I can't force either of you to be in it. All I can do is ask you in and hope you accept the invitation. For now my father has decided to stay away, but I told him where I was if he changes his mind." She shook her head a little. "There are other things I haven't told you, Rumple, but I'm honestly not sure I ever will. I'm not trying to lie about it." She didn't know how else to say this.

"Perhaps that's one thing we are forced to accept in one another."

Maybe it was. But wasn't that was what it meant to be with someone? Didn't you have to accept the good with the bad? "I'm sorry I kept things from you. I shouldn't have done that."

He sighed softly, looking outside yet again. "Fear touches even the most steadfast of hearts. It's no fairer of me to expect constant bravery from you than it is for you to expect constant restraint from me."

Slipping off the bed she stepped up behind him and set her forehead on his shoulder as a sign of contrition. "I do want to come back." She said again softly. "I just need to be sure about myself first. I have to be sure I'm strong enough to be the partner you need."

His lip curled up at the corner. "I think your thrashing of Regina proves you're strong enough."

"I think that proves I'm farther from my goal than I thought." She rejoined. "My heads not right."

Turning, he dislodged her from his shoulder and she straightened up. She watched him and he studied her quietly for some time, reaching up to cup her face. After a few seconds she pressed into his touch and she saw any remaining anger drain out of him. "Then let's work on getting it right." Well, that wasn't a disagreement. She knew he would never be satisfied with her living away from him, but he wasn't making her feel guilty about it, and he wasn't trying to trick her back here.

"I don't know how to fix it." She said softly. "I only know that something isn't right anymore. I don't feel like I used to."

He was quiet for a moment. "I think I know someone that might be able to help you."

A blast of hope filled her at that. "You do?"

"I do." He agreed as he rubbed her cheek again. "I'll call him once I get you to work." He smiled at her, although it didn't reach his eyes. "You're a bit of a mess, dearie. Let me get you back home so you can clean up."

Jumping on the good will she gave him a small, perky smile. "Can I drive?"

He groaned, letting his hands drop. "If you'd like."

She giggled happily as he gathered up his clothes. "Give me a few minutes to get dressed."

As he headed toward the door, no doubt headed toward the bathroom, she stopped him. "Rumple?"

He paused and looked over his shoulder at her. She smiled a little, hoping to win him over before she made her request. "I don't really want to be by myself today. Could I sit with you in your shop?"

He was pleased, she could tell. "What about the library?"

She shrugged a little. "I'm already late, and besides it was closed for twenty-eight years before I opened it again. I don't think one more day will make much of a difference. I'll stay out of the way."

"If I wanted you to stay out of the way I wouldn't let you near me." He told her. "You know I have some books there you may not have seen before."

"You do?" She lit up at that and his lip twitched as he left the room. She thought that was rather a terrible tease, to not tell her before leaving, and rolled her eyes. She heard the bathroom door shut and turned around. Going to the bed she made it quickly, fluffing the pillows back up before she left it alone. She was sure Rumpelstiltskin would be more annoyed that she did this than leaving it a mess, he seemed to have a problem with her cleaning up around him now, but she did it anyway. She couldn't stand to leave the room a wreck when she left. Finished, she walked out and went down the stairs to wait for him. Hopefully today would be a much better day than the one before.

Author's Note: Thank you for all the reviews! They've been lovely!