After another argument with her sister about Bea, Allie decided to give Bridget Westfall a call. She really needed to talk to someone about how she was feeling, and as Kaz clearly wasn't willing to be that person she was the only other option. The blonde knew that she could always talk to Boomer, and despite what anyone else thought the brunette actually gave great advice. The trouble was that she was Bea's friend, and if she figured out who Allie was talking about things could get awkward.
Friday afternoon arrived and with it came a conversation that Allie wasn't sure she was ready for. She'd called Bridget the previous day and the older woman had suggested they meet for a drink. As Allie was no longer a patient her office seemed far too formal, and after reading between the lines she figured that a glass or two of wine wouldn't hurt. They had arranged to meet at a small bar not too far from her office, somewhere that Allie didn't usually go so there would be no chance of her bumping into anyone or of them being disturbed.
Her last patient had cancelled at the last minute so after catching up on some paperwork she told Vera to take the rest of the afternoon off. She was the best receptionist Bridget had ever had and she couldn't knock her work ethic, but she was a stickler for the rules, so little things like an early finish on a Friday often threw her. Deciding that she would clear her diary in a couple of weeks and take Vera to lunch she locked the office and made her way over to the bar. She was a little early, so after ordering a bottle of shiraz and asking for two glasses Bridget found a table in a quiet corner, hoping it would make it easier for Allie to talk about what was bothering her.
Ten minutes later the door opened and a tired looking Allie walked in, her eyes scanning the room before fixing on the older blonde. Bridget studied her as she approached the table, pouring the younger woman a drink before sliding the glass over the table. She continued to watch as the other woman drank half the wine in one go before putting the glass back down and turning her attention to the older blonde.
"Thanks for meeting me, I hope I'm not causing you any issues at work"
"Not at all. I always try to keep my Friday afternoons relatively free, and you saved me from a mountain of paperwork so I should be thanking you" Bridget replied, taking note of the way the younger woman's smile didn't quite reach her eyes. "So how can I help? Did you have another panic attack?"
Taking a sip of the wine this time, Allie waited a few seconds before responding to the question. "I did, but that's not why I wanted to talk to you. I'm sorry, and I feel bad for offloading on you like this but I don't have anyone else to talk to. I would usually talk to Kaz but I can't, not about this. She already hates her, so if she found out it would make things a thousand times worse"
"Is it your ex, has she come back?"
"No, it's not her. I…I met someone a few days ago, and this might sound crazy but I can't stop thinking about her. When I go to sleep she's in my dreams, and when I'm awake she's constantly on my mind. I've never felt such a pull towards anyone before and it's making me crazy"
"So what's the problem? That's a good thing right…"
"It is, but I don't know if I'm reading too much into it. She's not had the best experience when it comes to relationships, and while I don't know any details her ex-husband was a grade A bastard. She's quite shy and doesn't give much away, but sometimes I catch her looking at me and I swear she feels it too. It's only been just under a week but we've spoken every day. She's away visiting family at the minute with her daughter and I miss her like crazy. I don't want to push her into anything she's either not ready for, or doesn't want, but every time I see her it gets harder and harder to ignore what I'm feeling"
It was clear to Bridget by the way that Allie talked about this woman that it was more than just a crush. She pretty much described the way she felt when she first started dating Franky, the way she still felt. While Bridget had been a little apprehensive about going on to dinner with the tattooed brunette, five minutes into the date and she forgot all about what was worrying her. The connection had been instant, and while she was attracted to the younger woman from the start it was more than that. Allie had just described her own feelings back then, from the need to be in her company to the fear of her feelings not being reciprocated. It was scary, even for someone who was meant to have their shit together. But after everything that Allie had been through there was no wonder she was struggling to get her head around it. Deciding that keeping her talking would be the best way to get some answers, she smiled at the younger woman before speaking. "Tell me about her, how did you meet?"
"At the beach of all places" Allie said, her eyes lighting up as she got lost in the memory for a second or two before focusing on the woman opposite. "I'd gone down to the beach with Kaz on New Year's Day and she ditched me for a while to go and find the guy she's been seeing. They had a fight the day before and she wanted to clear the air. Anyway, I was on my own when two women came and sat nearby. They had a young girl with them, and long story short, her frisbee nearly hit me. She came over to apologise and get it back, but instead sat down and started chatting to me. Turned out her mum was a lifeguard and she came to join them after her shift finished".
Taking a quick drink Allie smiled at Bridget before continuing. "Do you remember me telling you about that day over at Tamarama, when I was going to jump. Well it turned out she was the lifeguard that saved me, the one that's been on my mind ever since. I know it's crazy and we've only actually known each other for five days, but it feels like so much longer. I told her about my past, what happened with my dad and everything" the younger woman said, taking in the surprised look on Bridget's face. "I wanted her to know the real me, not the one that hides everything, and she was so perfect. I thought she'd run a mile but she didn't. She held me while I cried, and for the first time in years I felt like I was worth something. We spent the rest of the day together until she had to get back for Debbie, her daughter, and despite it being emotionally draining it was the best day of my life"
Bridget had her suspicions, especially after the younger woman said they had met at the beach on New Year's Day and she was a lifeguard. It was too much of a coincidence for this Allie, and Bea's Allie to be different people. But when she said the daughter's name her suspicions were confirmed. She felt a little awkward, and while she didn't want to betray either women's trust needed to let Allie know that she knew this woman very well. Refilling their glasses, she signalled to the passing waiter that they wanted another botte before starting the conversation she didn't feel overly comfortable having. "Before you tell me anymore there's something I think you should know. The woman that has you feeling all kinds of crazy, her name's Bea isn't it"
"Yeah it…wait, how do you know that?"
Grabbing her phone Bridget brought up a photo of herself, Franky and Debbie at the Luna Park the other day before handing it over to the younger woman, watching on as her eyes went wide in shock. Taking the phone back she swiped until she got to the same picture she had as the screensaver on her laptop, showing Allie again before explaining. "The one out in the water on the board, that's Bea. Franky, my girlfriend, she's her best friend. We were meant to be meeting up with her at the beach the other day but something came up and we couldn't make it" Bridget added, feeling her cheeks colour a little when Allie raised an eyebrow. Boomer had been there that day, so no doubt she'd told everyone the real reason they didn't leave the house.
Taking a sip of her wine Bridget studied the woman opposite for a few seconds before continuing to speak. "I'm sorry, and I hope I haven't made you uncomfortable, I just thought you should know. I won't say anything to Bea about this conversation, or you being a client, don't worry". Reaching across the table she placed her hand on top of Allie's before giving it a supportive squeeze. "After we took Debbie to the Luna Park we had dinner at Bea's place. Deb mentioned her new friend a few times, and every time she did, Bea blushed. I didn't read much into it at the time, but when we got home Franky told me she'd seen her outside the coffee shop that morning with a, to quote, "hot blonde", and it looked pretty cosy. Bea's been through a lot and she's been hurt pretty badly, but give her time. If Franky's right, and annoyingly she usually is, then Bea feels it too. She's probably just scared"
"I would never hurt her, I swear" Allie jumped in, interrupting the older woman. Hurting Bea in any way wasn't something she ever wanted to do, all she wanted was to love and protect her. Love…no not love, it was far too soon for that wasn't it.
"I know, and that thought never crossed my mind. It's not my place to say, but relationships haven't exactly worked out well for Bea in the past. Plus, there's the small matter of you being a woman. Don't get me wrong, she would never discriminate against anyone, she puts up with all of Franky's shit for a start. She just doesn't have a lot of experience in that area, so any confusion you may be feeling, it'll be twice as hard for her. Having said that Franky said that she'd never seen her like this before, and Bea bit her head off when she teased her about you, something she never does"
They stayed a while longer, chatting as they finished their second bottle of wine. Allie was glad she decided to walk to the bar, knowing that she wouldn't be fit to drive home. She felt a little better after her conversation with Bridget, and hoped that Franky was right. But she was also a little concerned about Bea's best friend being in a relationship with her former therapist. It wasn't that she was planning on keeping anything from Bea, but she wanted to be the one to tell her about knowing Bridget. Knowing it was out of her hands she knew the only thing she could do was trust that the older blonde would stick to her word and not say anything to the redhead.
Bea was tired as a result of the early start to her day, but was so glad to be back in Sydney. She loved spending time with her parents and being back in her home country, but she had missed Allie so much. She'd had a lot of time to think while she'd been away, and while she knew that she was attracted to the blonde, she was also scared. The last time she'd let anyone get close she had almost died, and while Allie was nothing like her bastard of an ex-husband she couldn't help but worry. And that wasn't the only thing playing on her mind. While she was pretty sure she had seen the desire in Allie's eyes when she looked at her, but what if it was all in her head. The last thing she wanted to do was to ruin their budding friendship by reading the signals wrong.
She was clueless what it came to relationships, and was embarrassed to admit that, although the only people she really discussed that kind of thing with were Franky and Maxine. Not that she really said anything. There had been nothing to say until Allie, and even now she had no idea what would happen between them, if anything. Deciding she had plenty of time to drive herself crazy with those kinds of thoughts when she was laid in bed later that night, she turned her attention back to the luggage carrousel that had just started up. Fifteen minutes later they were heading for the exit when Debbie dropped her bag on the floor and took off running. Assuming that Franky had probably decided to take pity on her and pick them up, Bea grabbed her daughter's luggage and continued in the direction the young girl had just gone.
A few seconds later and the crowd had dispersed a little, offering her a clear view of the arrivals area and her daughter. Of all the people she expected Debbie to be hugging, Allie wasn't one of them. Although thinking back she shouldn't really be surprised, the blonde had asked her a few times what time their flight got in. As soon as their eyes locked Allie smiled and the redhead melted. All her earlier fears washed away in an instant and she wanted nothing more than to hold onto the blonde and never let got. Before she could close the distance between them Allie raced over to her, kissing her on the cheek before wrapping her arms around her. Neither of them spoke at first, both just making the most of being close to the other again.
The hug lasted a lot longer than usual, and Bea would swear that the blonde held her tighter than ever before, or maybe that was just wishful thinking on her part. All too soon Allie pulled away, but not before giving the redhead a kiss on the cheek, her eyes flicking to the older woman's lips briefly before fixing on chocolate brown orbs. "I've missed you so much. Come on, let's get out of here. You probably want to crash for a while after the early start"
Bea had no idea what came over her, but before she could stop herself she reached out and tucked a lock of hair behind the blonde's ear. As the tips of her fingers brushed over the younger woman's cheek she heard her gasp, and when their eyes locked this time there was no doubting the look in those ocean blue pools. "I missed you too. And thank you for picking us up, you really didn't have to"
"I know, but this way you don't have to get a taxi and I get to see you even sooner…win, win" the younger woman replied taking Debbie's luggage in one hand and Bea's hand in the other. "I needed my Bea fix, I was having serious withdrawals" she added dramatically, her heart beating a little bit faster when she heard the older woman laugh.
The three of them made their way out of the terminal hand in hand, Bea in the middle, Debbie to her right and Allie on the left. She saw an odd glance sent their way, but quite frankly she didn't care. Being here with her daughter and Allie was all that mattered to her right now. When they got back to the blonde's car she insisted that both Smith girls got in while she put the luggage in the boot. Bea started to protest, but one look from the younger woman and she shut up and got in the car. If felt so strange to have someone taking care of her like this, but she couldn't deny that she liked it. A lot. She had spent the past four years doing everything for Debbie, no that she minded at all, and before that she had Harry to look after too. Everything always fell to her, so to have someone do even the simplest thing like deal with her luggage meant more to Bea than it would to most people, and lifted Allie even higher up on the pedestal she had put her on.
A minute or two later Bea's door opened, revealing a smiling Allie holding a large bouquet of lilies, very similar to the ones she had sent her on her birthday. "I know you'll have had to leave the other ones behind, so Happy Birthday…again" she said, handing the flowers over to a shocked looking Bea before closing the door and running around to the other side of the car.
As soon as the blonde got in the car Bea kissed her on the cheek and thanked her for the flowers, telling her the same as she had last time, that she shouldn't waste her money but they were beautiful. Allie knew she should behave, but it was too good an opportunity to miss, plus if she made the redhead blush that would be a massive bonus. "You're beautiful, and any money spent on you could never be a waste" she said, feeling her heart race as Bea's cheeks turned the colour of her hair. She loved making her blush, and that shy smile she sent Allie's way made her thankful that she was already sitting down. "Right, let's get you two home" she said, starting the car before pulling out of the car park.
She had been so tempted to kiss Bea, although it would have been highly inappropriate, especially in front of Debbie. The trouble was that she couldn't seem to control herself when the older woman was near, something she knew would only get harder the longer their friendship lasted. She was just glad her hands were occupied right now. It didn't take long to get back to Bea's house, the traffic a lot lighter than it had been when the blonde had driven to the airport earlier. After unloading the car and helping the redhead in with their bags Allie turned to leave, asking Bea to let her know if she still wanted her to come over later. She had been looking forward to spending the afternoon with them both, but would understand if the older woman just wanted to chill out.
"Why don't you just stay. I was going to unpack and throw some clothes in the wash before I called you anyway, so by the time you get home you'll be coming straight back"
"Are you sure, I don't want to get in the way"
"You could never get in the way Allie, I love you being here. But only if you want to stay, don't feel like you have to"
"I'm where I want to be" the blonde replied, squeezing Bea's hand before turning to face Debbie. "Right kiddo, how about I help you with your bag so your mum can do what she needs to"
As Bea watched her daughter practically drag the blonde from the room she couldn't stop the wide smile from spreading across her face. It felt so good having Allie in the house, and Debbie was clearly happy that she had agreed to stay. While it hadn't been planned she was glad they would get to spend more time together, she just hoped that she could keep a lid on these newfound feelings.
Allie helped Debbie unpack her bag while the redhead dealt with the others, an hour later everything was sorted and the three of them were relaxing in the lounge with a movie of the young Smith's choice. The young girl had insisted they all share one sofa, despite the blondes attempts to sit on the other one. It wasn't that she didn't want to be near them, more a case of not trusting herself if she was too close to Bea. She was only wearing some faded denim cut offs, a singlet and her thongs, her hair was up in a messy bun and she didn't have any make-up on, but to Allie she had never looked more beautiful.
Under the young brunette's instructions Allie found herself sitting between mother and daughter, Debbie on her left, taking up far more space than was necessary, and Bea on her right, who due to the lack of remaining space was so close that she was practically in the blonde's lap. The older woman had apologised, offering to move, but Allie had quickly dismissed said offer. It wasn't helping with her need to touch, but there was no way she would pass up on the opportunity of having Bea this close. She didn't know if she should ever get the chance again, and she wasn't crazy enough to let it slip through her fingers. Fingers that were dying to reach out and touch the tanned and toned thigh that was teasing her mercilessly.
They were about an hour into the movie when Debbie announced that she was starving, and if she didn't eat soon she might die. The redhead simply rolled her eyes at her daughter, clearly used to her dramatics when it came to food, but Allie couldn't help but laugh. Her performance was Oscar worthy, and when she jumped off the sofa and stood there, hands on hips she had to bite her lip to stop herself from losing it completely.
"Go get some fruit, and bring the takeout menus so we can order dinner" Bea said, waiting until little miss dramatic left the room before turning to face the blonde sitting beside her.
The lip bite that she just did had to be one of the hottest things that the redhead had ever seen, and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't stop staring at those plump lips. They looked so soft, so inviting, and she wanted more than anything to lean in and kiss her. But she would never do that, she just wasn't brave enough. Plus, Allie would run a mile if she did. Taking a few seconds to compose herself she lifted her gaze, and knew as soon as their eyes locked that she'd been caught staring. Neither of them could look away, both lost in the other one's eye.
In the end Bea was the first to look away, more due to fear of showing her feelings than anything, but when she looked back up again she knew without a doubt that she wasn't alone in this. No one had ever looked at her the way Allie was doing right now, and while she was scared, the need to be close to the younger woman far outweighed any fear. She wasn't sure who leaned in first, but just as their lips were about to touch Debbie came bounding back into the room, takeout menu's in one hand and a chocolate bar in the other. Bea leapt off the sofa so quickly that she almost fell over, and as she glanced back at the blonde was expecting to see hurt in her eyes. But when all she saw was understanding it made her fall even harder for the younger woman. She'd never met anyone like Allie before. She had a similar playful cheekiness to Franky, but was much softer than her friend. What she loved the most about the blonde was how well she seemed to understand Bea, even when she didn't really understand herself. It didn't hurt that she was jaw droppingly beautiful either.
Realising her daughter was now standing beside her she sent an apologetic smile in Allie's direction before turning her attention to the young girl. "I thought I told you get some fruit" she said, pointing to the half-eaten chocolate bar in Debbie's hand before taking the menus from the other.
"It is fruit" Debbie replied, holding up the wrapper so both adults could see that it was orange flavoured chocolate.
Allie couldn't hold back the laughter this time, no matter how hard she tried. This kid was pure gold, although she imagined she could be a real handful when she wanted to be. And the look on Bea's face was priceless, she just wished Debbie's timing had been better. Although it was probably for the best. While she wanted to kiss the redhead so badly, doing it when her daughter was in the next room wasn't really the best idea she'd ever had. But when Bea looked at her like she had a few minutes ago she couldn't stop herself, not that the older woman had put up any kind of resistance. Being here with the two of them meant so much to her, more than Bea could ever know, and she knew that she wanted to be in their lives for as long as possible. Even if that did mean just as friends. As hard as it would be, if that was all the redhead wanted then she would be the best friend ever. I just need to learn to think before I speak, she thought to herself as the words flew from her mouth before she could stop them. "You can't argue with that one babe"
Babe, she just called me babe. No one had ever called her that before, and while it sound a little strange Bea couldn't deny that she liked it, she liked it a lot. One look in the blonde's direction let her know that she hadn't meant to say that, and she couldn't help but smile when she saw the younger woman's cheeks colour slightly.
"I guess not Alliecat" she replied, surprising herself at the nickname she had given the blonde. But when Allie laughed, that soft melodic sound that made Bea forget everything else around her, she was glad her mouth had run ahead of her brain for once.
The next few hours passed far too quickly for both women, and when Debbie went to bed Allie figured that she should get going too, leave the redhead in peace. Bea had other ideas though, so when she asked the younger woman to stay there was no way Allie was going to refuse. She knew being alone with Bea probably wasn't the best idea right now, especially after their almost kiss, but she couldn't help herself. Something that was starting to become a pattern in the redhead's company.
Flicking through the tv they found a movie that neither of them had seen before, Bea grabbing them both a beer before settling down on the sofa beside Allie, keeping a little distance between them. It wasn't Allie that she was afraid of, it was her own inability to function properly when she was so close. But as the movie played on and several trips to the kitchen for drink refills and snacks took place they found themselves getting closer and closer every time. By the time the end credits were rolling on the screen Bea could feel the heat radiating from Allie's jean clad thigh that was pressed against hers, and all she wanted to do was lean in and kiss her. Debbie was in bed so there would be no distractions this time, no interruptions. But could she do it, be brave that was, not kiss Allie. That she would have no problem with, it was finding the courage to take that step, or lean in as it was in this situation.
Feeling a sudden burst of confidence washing over her Bea took a leap of faith, as well as the younger woman's hand. Loosing herself in the bluest eyes she had eyes seen she closed the short distance between them, her nerves calming a little as Allie started to do the same. This was it, the moment she had been waiting for since she figured out what all of these feelings meant. Her stomach was aflutter and she felt like she was drunk on all things Allie Novak. But just as they were about to kiss Harry's voice filled her head, causing her to pull back and run, leaving behind a shocked and hurt blonde.
Bea couldn't believe she had just done that. Not only had she just run from what she was sure would be the best kiss of her life, hurting the younger woman's feelings in the process, she was now hiding in the downstairs bathroom like a coward. And as if that wasn't enough to make her feel like the biggest idiot in the world, she had probably gone and ruined any chance she ever had with Allie. The blonde must think she was out of her mind, and maybe she was, but when Harry got in her head there was no shutting him out. It was though he had been in the room, taunting her with his words. You're worthless, you're lucky I put up with you, no one would ever want you, ugly, useless, pathetic, why don't you just do everyone a favour and kill yourself. Words she had heard so many times, words that despite everything, she still believed.
Harry was right, she was pathetic. Allie would never want to be with someone like her, someone so broken, so damaged. And even if the blonde didn't feel that way right now Bea knew she would end up hating her in the long run. And that was something she couldn't bear. Although after what she had just done the Allie was probably already at that stage. Bea had no idea how long she had been hiding in there, but knew she had to face the music sooner or later, although she suspected that the blonde had cut and run by now. Not that she could blame her in the slightest. What kind of idiot tried to kiss someone, then ran away?
Splashing her face with cold water in a bid to reduce the redness around her eyes Bea unlocked the bathroom door before opening it slowly. The tv had been turned off, and she couldn't hear any movement so assumed that the blonde had gone home. So, when she walked back into the lounge she was a little shocked to see her sitting there. "I assumed you'd gone" she said, wincing when it came out a lot harsher than she intended.
"I wanted to make sure you were ok before I left" the younger woman said, talking a few tentative steps towards the redhead, coming to a stop in front of her. Reaching out she tucked a stray curl behind Bea's ear, feeling her heart break when she saw the tears in the older woman's eyes. The last thing she wanted to do was leave Bea alone like this, but her presence was clearly causing her distress, and she didn't want to do that either. "I should go. I don't want to upset you, that was never my intention" she said, her eyes lingering on the older woman for a few more seconds before turning and walking towards the door.
Allie felt like she was leaving her heart behind, and the last thing she wanted to do was leave. But if that was what Bea wanted, then that's what she would do, even though it would hurt like hell. It was crazy, and despite only knowing the redhead for a week she had fallen for her, and fallen hard. The blonde was almost at the door when she felt a hand on her arm, turning her around.
"Stay…please" Bea said, her eyes filled with unshed tears. She didn't want Allie to go, and was kicking herself for making the younger woman feel like she did.
"Are you sure?"
Smiling through her tears Bea took the younger woman's hand in hers before bringing it up to her lips and placing a soft kiss in her palm. "I'm sure. I want you here Allie, and I need to explain why I freaked out earlier. Can we talk?"
"We can do anything you want to beautiful" the blonde replied, using her free hand to wipe away the stray tear that had fallen down Bea's cheek. She hated seeing her so sad and wished she could take her pain away. Allowing the older woman to set the pace of the conversation she followed her into the lounge and sat back down on the soft, the redhead disappearing for a few minutes before returning with a bottle of scotch and two glasses.
Sitting down on the same sofa as the blonde Bea poured them both a drink and handed one of the glasses to the other woman before taking a large gulp of hers. The alcohol burned her throat, and she wasn't usually one for drinking at home, but she couldn't have this conversation without at least a couple. She watched on as Allie took a small sip before placing her glass down on the coffee table, her eyes back on Bea within seconds.
"I can't have too much, I've got to drive home"
"Stay the night" Bea blurted out, surprising both herself and the woman beside her. Realising how that may sound she tried to explain, but ended up embarrassing herself even further. "I…err…I mean you should have a drink, I have a bed…I…" Fucking hell Smith, she mentally scolded herself, ignoring the slight smirk on Allie's face. "I have a spare room, so if you want to have a drink you can stay over and drive home tomorrow. You don't have to though, I just thought that…"
While Allie was finding the redhead's rambling adorable, she knew the other woman was embarrassed. Not wanting to make matters worse she decided to help her out a little, stopping her before she said something else she didn't mean. "I'd love to, but I can always get a taxi if you would prefer"
"Then it's settled" Bea said, smiling at the younger woman briefly before frowning when she remembered what it was that she wanted to talk to her about. She had to do this, it wouldn't be fair to Allie to keep it from her, especially as there was clearly something between them. Although once she found out what the redhead allowed Harry to do to her she would be off like a shot. But that was a chance Bea knew that she had to take. The blonde had been nothing but open and honest with her, and she deserved the same, no matter how hard it was going to be.
Neither of them spoke for a few minutes, Allie not wanting to push the redhead, and Bea trying to work out where to start. Deciding that the beginning was the only place she took a few deep breaths before speaking. "I was nineteen when I met Harry. I'd gone to a party with my team after a surfing competition, it wasn't really my thing but I'd just won my third title in a row and they dragged me there to celebrate. He kept coming over to talk to me, and at the end of the night asked me out to dinner. I wasn't particularly bothered but he seemed like an ok guy, and the girls in my team thought I should give him a chance. We started dating a couple of weeks later, and while he never made my heart skip a beat he was nice enough. At least he had been at the time. I fell pregnant just under a year later, apparently some antibiotics the doctor gave me for a virus worked against my birth control, not that they warned me at the time. He blamed me of course, said that I'd trapped him, even though he was always the one that initiated things between us…in the bedroom I mean" she said, her cheeks colouring in embarrassment at talking about something like this with Allie.
"Hey…there's no need to be embarrassed, we've all done it" the blonde joked before sending Bea a cheeky wink in a bit to try and relax her a little.
"I'm sorry…I just…I never enjoyed it, even before he turned violent. As long as he got what he wanted out of it then he didn't care about me. He said I was frigid, and I hated him touching me"
"Sex shouldn't be like that Bea, ever. I believe it should be about the emotional connection as well, not just a physical thing. I thought I had that with Paige, but it turned out that want the case after all. But when you find the right person, someone who cares more about your needs than their own then it can be mind-blowing, or at least I hope that's the case" Allie said, her eyes dropping to the redhead's lips briefly before lifting again. "Was it just in the bedroom he hurt you?"
"No, it was whenever he felt like it. It got worse after Debbie was born, and what started as an odd slap here and there turned into regular beatings. He'd blow up over the slightest little thing, if his dinner was a few minutes later, or the beer wasn't cold enough, even when Debbie talked too much during the footy"
"Did he ever hurt her?"
"No, god no, I'd die before I let him lay a finger on her. He always waited until I'd put her to bed before he started on me. Sometimes it was verbal abuse, telling me I was worthless, repulsive and that I didn't deserve to live, sometimes physical, and on the really bad nights both. If I refused sex he'd take it anyway, then bash me afterwards for disrespecting him, so in the end I just gave in. What kind of person does that make me?"
"It makes you strong Bea" the younger woman replied, moving closer to the redhead before pulling her into a hug. She could feel the anger building, anger directed at the piece of shit that had hurt such an incredible woman.
"No, no it doesn't. It makes me weak and pathetic, just like Harry said. He was right. I let him beat me for four years Allie, four years. And if the neighbours hadn't called the police that night then I would have let it continue. I almost died that night, over a dirty mug on the kitchen counter. He was drunk when he came home, which was nothing new, and the verbal abuse started as soon as he walked through the door. But when he saw the mug he lost it, calling me a lazy good for nothing bitch. Then the beating started, and I thought it was going to be like any other night, he'd kick the crap out of me then pass out on the sofa while I cleaned and patched myself up. But it wasn't. He was relentless, screaming in my face while he punched and kicked me. The neighbours must have heard him and called the police. Debbie was only four, but she let them in even though I'd told her not to answer the door to strangers. She must have been so scared Allie" Bea said, tears streaming down her face as she held on to the blonde. "When the police came in he smashed a glass that had been sitting on the bedside table and stabbed me with it. I almost died and Debbie heard everything, I'll never forgive myself for that, I should have done more to protect her"
"You did everything in your power to protect that little girl. He's the arsehole here not you, and I don't want to hear you blaming yourself for any of that ever again ok. Those things he said to you, he did that to make himself feel better. By bringing you down he was building himself up, boosting his own ego. He's the worthless one, not you. And as for you being repulsive, that couldn't be further from the truth. You're beautiful Bea, strikingly so, the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in fact. You've probably noticed that I can't keep my eyes off you"
"You do stare…a lot"
"Can't help it" the blonde replied, kissing Bea on the cheek before continuing. "You're perfect to me, and if I have to tell you that every day for the rest of our lives, and even when we're ghosts then I will do"
"You're planning on sticking around then?"
"Absolutely, just try and stop me" the blonde replied, taking one of Bea's hands and placing it on her chest so she could feel her heart beating rapidly. "Can you feel that?" she asked, waiting until the older woman nodded before continuing. "Every time I look at you it does that. You've probably figured out by now that I like you, and not just as a friend. I know that you probably don't feel the same, and that's ok, I can live with that. I would never pressure you into doing anything that you don't want to do, you'll always be one hundred percent in control here. But I just wanted you to know that I think you're perfect, and I adore you". Allie knew that she was taking a big risk here, and was about to get her heart broken, but if it meant that the redhead was able to see herself the way Allie saw her then it was worth it.
Bea was pretty sure that the blonde liked her, but hearing her confirm her suspicions made her heart soar and shatter at the same time. She deserved so much better than a woman who was controlled by her past, someone who could never give her what she needed in the long run. She knew that she should tell Allie she felt nothing for her, at least nothing more than friendship, but she couldn't lie to her like that, or to herself. Losing herself in the bluest eyes she'd ever seen she took a minute to try and compose herself before opening up, something which terrified her. "I like you too Allie, a lot. But I've never felt like this before, and it scares me. Earlier when we almost…I wanted to so badly, but then Harry got in my head and I freaked out. I didn't mean to run away from you like that, and I feel terrible about it. But all I could hear was his voice in my head telling me I was worthless, pathetic, and no one would ever want to be with me. It's been years and he's still affecting me like this, still controlling me in some ways. I'm weak Allie, and I hate myself for it. You're strong, and brave, and kind, and so damn beautiful…and I'm nothing"
If Allie thought hearing what Harry had done to the redhead had been hard, it was nothing compared to hearing her say that about herself. Moving closer she pulled the older woman into her lap and held her tight, her tears soaking Allie's top through, not that it mattered. Kissing the top of Bea's head, she rocked her gently as she spoke, hoping her words could bring some comfort to the woman in her arms. "You're not nothing Bea, you're everything". Brushing her thumb over the older woman's jaw she lifted her head slightly so she could look into her eyes. "Do you know what I see when I look at you?" she asked, her heart breaking at the pain she saw in the redhead's chocolate brown orbs.
"I see someone who sacrificed herself every day to protect her daughter. I see someone who kept fighting, even though it would have been so much easier to give up. I see someone who no matter what, wouldn't let him win" the blonde said, her eyes never leaving Bea's. "What he said to you, none of that was true. You say I'm strong, but I don't feel it. Every day I feel weak, and I hate myself for what I allowed people to do to me. I understand how you feel Bea, but please believe me when I tell you that you are strong, you're the strongest person I've ever met. And not only that, you're an inspiration. What you've been through, no one should have to deal with that, ever. But not only did you make it out the other side, you raised an incredible young woman in the process. Debbie is a credit to you, no one else, and that girl adores you. Even when she is throwing a tantrum over surfboards and the lack of pancakes for breakfast"
The fractured giggle that fell from Bea's lips at her last sentence skyrocketed the blonde's heart rate. Despite the awful topic of conversation, she was happy that she could still make her laugh a little, and to Allie it was the sweetest sound in the world. There was still fear in the older woman's eyes, but she could see traces of hope as well, something she was determined to build on. "I'm here Bea, in whatever context you want me to be. Even if it is just to play referee between you and that beautifully charming daughter of your"
"She is pretty special isn't she"
"Of course, how could she not be when she comes from you"
"Allie…" Bea half said, half sighed, her fingers running through the younger woman's soft blonde locks.
"Sorry, I'll behave...I promise"
Despite being terrified of both getting hurt, and hurting the blonde Bea couldn't help herself. While she didn't see herself as brave and probably never would, hearing Allie talk about her in that way made her heart beat faster. She had no idea what the younger woman saw in her but for once in her life she wanted to take a chance on something, on Allie, and before she had time to process what she was saying the words were already falling from her mouth. "What if I don't want you to behave…"
To say Allie was shocked would be an understatement. While she wanted everything with the older woman she didn't expect anything to come of it. Especially after the conversation they'd just had. So when she heard those few words her heart leapt out of her chest, and her body tingled. Surely she hadn't meant that how it sounded, or had she? Allie knew as soon as blue met brown that Bea had in fact meant it in the way she hoped she had, the older woman's gaze flicking between the blonde's lips and eyes. She could see her own desire reflected in the redhead's chocolate orbs and knew that no matter what happened she had to kiss her, she couldn't wait any longer.
Leaning forward slightly she waited for the older woman to meet her half way, giving her a chance to back out before things went any further. But when Bea's other hand came up to rest on the side of her face Allie knew she was all in. Closing what little distance was left between them she brushed her lips against Bea's cheek softly, not wanting to freak her out in any way. Receiving no resistance, she left a trial of light kisses along her strong jaw before pulling back slightly. She couldn't help but smile at the look of confusion on Bea's face, but when the redhead realised why she had stopped Allie felt herself being pulled in closer.
"I'm sure, please Allie…" Bea said, her voice a few octaves lower than normal. She wasn't sure who made the first move but one second she was looking into slightly darker blue eyes, and the next they wee kissing. And what a kiss. It was everything that she had expected it to be, and so much more. Allie made her feel things she'd never felt before, and suddenly all the talk of fireworks and explosions made perfect sense. It wasn't even over yet but Bea knew that she wanted to do this again, and again, but only with Allie. Always Allie.