End of the Strings
Chapter 10
End of His String
"I will catch you, so be still."
-Kyoukai no Kanata [Minori Chihara]
[UNSUI]
No one will ever love me, or so I believed. I mean, love, that way, in the romantic way. I never thought that it will be my priority either but… Actually, I'm a little bit jealous of Agon. Because why? He's my twin yet he got all the attention, both from boys and girls, especially girls, chocolate on valentines, presents on Christmas, date plans on New Year Eve. Everything.
I never thought about it anymore, ever since I set my foot on Shinryuuji football field.
Never.
.
.
.
"I love you, Un-chan, and I'm serious."
That's what he said.
I don't want to believe it.
Because I believe that believing in something so absurd will only hurt you in the end.
.
.
"I love you."
Why did it sound so sweet in my ears?
It was a cold night on the small bed room, Sensei's bed room, that is. Quiet a neat bed room, not big but very clean, it's pretty much like what I thought about his room. Navy blue paint, minimalist furniture with adult color. Some of his papers, which I believe is a part of his work, placed perfectly on center of the desk, beside his black shiny pen and ruler.
He's already sleeping, soundly, beside me, while hugging my left arm with both of his slender hands. I can feel his breath on my skin, no I'm not naked, just, my shirt's fabric is thin, it's warm, his breath is warm and somewhat calming. It's weird, it's not something that can make you calm, but, it did.
His hand clutched deeper when I was about to get my phone from the end table beside his soft and comfy bed, covered with beige sheet. The tip of his nose touched my arm, soft… I blushed a little.
I didn't understand my self.
Why I have to obey him?
Why I have to beside him, looking at him sleeping, staring at his defenseless state, and being unable to sleep?
I do not understand, but I didn't feel that it was a bad thing. My heart says so.
Since when I followed my heart again?
I stopped following my heart's will ever since I entered Shinryuuji. I deny all the earthly things that I want and stop dreaming of anything beside Agon's victory.
Even so,
it was hard.
Every night I fight with the urge to run away from my fate, from my reality, sometimes I just curse my self and bite on my own pillow to calm my self.
But this person, sensei, keeps on trying to set me free. As if he knew that I was trying to escape but I just don't know how, or I deny to know how. He keeps on telling me that I can be Unsui, as Unsui, not Unsui, the Agon's twin. Not that he's the only one who tells me about it, but, he's the only one who keep on insisting that I'm special.
Am I?
He said, for him, I am special. He said, he loved me.
Love…
My heart races like a girl who's in love whenever he said it. My whole body feels hotter than it usually is. My face reddened, my mind going blank, my brain stopped thinking, my hands trembling. Just by a word.
Sensei is much older than me, I often thought that he might be joking about this, but… he never said it was. Never, even once.
I stare at the vintage clock on the wall, 11 PM. It will be bad if I don't sleep soon. But I don't know how can I sleep in this state. I can feel his… everything on my skin.
His skin is fair, and it feels smooth when it touched mine.
.
.
.
Why I thought so thoroughly about this?
Sensei said that I has been his special person. A person that he wants to look after, also to look upon. A person that looks like him in the mirror, a person that struggle but ended defeated and give up. He wanted to lift me up, so all of this love he has been babbling about is probably a lie. It probably is…
But I want to believe it.
It's not something… that I ever get in my whole life…
Even it's from my parents.
.
.
Love.
"Un-chan, you haven't sleep?" Sensei grips on my arm tighter, h…he's awake…
"Yes… Sensei?" I answered as calm as I can, trying to hide the heart beat that I feel. He squeezed on my arm more, burying his face on it, his forehead is also smooth…
"I'm asking… Why you haven't sleep?" He drew his face away and lifts his body up, sitting beside me, resting his back on the wall behind him.
"I'm…. I just…" I shrugged, "It's a little bit hard to sleep because I have so many things to think… I guess…" I smiled sheepishly, the truth is, I'm only thinking about him. I can not sleep because my head is full of Sensei. I'm feeling quiet insecure. I don't want to trust him but I trust him, he said love like he knew that word is what I've been longing for, beside being in the same level as Agon.
Sensei is older, he is older, perhaps that's why he could easily read me? Because I'm younger? Because I'm naïve? I'm…
"Un-chan… what are you thinking?"
"A-ah no… Sensei…" I smiled and shook my head slowly, "Sensei, just rest again, I'll sleep eventually when I feel tired… Alright?"
"No… Were you thinking about what I said?"
"I'm n—"
A finger. On my lips. Soft. Smooth. It's rubbing against my rough lips, it was really tender… like his lips…
"Un-chan, you're blushing again…" He giggled as he pinched my cheek, I became more flustered and try to brush his fingers off from my face, "Now now, don't be so harsh to me, were you thinking about it…?"
"I…" Hesitate to answer, I tried to look away from his gaze, it was quiet sharp and bold, as if he could see through me, "I… can not tell…"
"Why you can't? I'm not gonna kill you or feed you to the shark."
"Still, Sensei… It's something private…" This time, I really brushed him off, I didn't mean to be rude but… I don't want to believe it just yet, I don't want to fall in to a misery ever again. It was hard to move on from the feeling. I don't want to feel one again.
"Oh…" He looks surprised by my answer, "I'm… Sorry… It seems that I've gone too far…"
My heart aches.
When I saw him smiling sadly when he said sorry.
Did I… just hurt him?
"No— it's… not your fault, Sensei…"
"But I'm being pushy… and all…" He still looking at me, "I'm sorry… I was just… really happy that you always say yes to anything that I asked you… I suddenly being blunt about my feeling and all and… I guess I'm just being a selfish adult," He shrugged, it was not like him, to be defeated like this, to actually say sorry and feeling bad about what he did to me, it wasn't like him at all, even if I just knew him, not more than a month, he's really not a person who will… back off like this.
"Did I hurt you by pushing you off?"
I didn't realize what did I just ask him. My mouth, brain, and heart doesn't want to listen to any of my command, to be quiet.
"No, not really… Not really…" He patted my cheek softly and pulling me in to a hug, "Un-chan didn't do anything, I'm just pushing you to be with me…"
"…" warm.
His body is warm.
I wasn't being me either.
Usually I'll just push him away and blush, with really red face and staggered voice.
But now I didn't do that.
His body feels nice on me.
.
.
Slowly, my hand reached his back, I didn't grab it, just… resting it on his slender back, I can feel he tensed a little when I do that, but a second after that he sighed softly on my neck, his warm breath drifted through my skin, giving me a little goose bumps, a nice one.
"Why did your hand do that?" He asked to me with a comical tone.
"I don't know…"
"Were you actually wanting me?"
"I don't know…"
"Un-chan stop being indecisive… you're actually a straight forward man but why are you being indecisive now? Listen, if you don't want me, I will be fine but of course that won't stop me from chasing you, but if you do want me, then say it, we can start slowly and I will guide you."
"I don't… know…"
That's the only thing I can say.
I don't know. I don't understand.
Whenever I try to believe it, my brain doesn't want to. Whenever I try to let it go, my heart doesn't want to.
"Sensei…. I…."
"Yes? Just tell me… slowly…" he touched my chest, "Just say what you want to say, you don't have to hold back in front of me… I wanna see you, Un-chan."
See me…
"I want to believe it…" I gritted my teeth, "I don't want to doubt you…" Finally, my hand grabbed his clothes, "But we just met, at least I just met you, I don't know who you are, I can not trust you so fast, yet you are my coach, and I don't want to think that all of this was a lie, but I… my self…" I looked away, staring blankly at the end table beside the bed which is filled with English novels, two of them look like a serious fantasy novel, I don't realize that Sensei could enjoy a fantasy genre, he's more to a drama, crime investigation person in my head.
"Then I won't rush you, Un-chan…" He rubbed his palm on my cheek, turning my head to face him, my eyes still looking away, to the wooden floor now, "I won't rush you… Take your time, believe me slowly, you will see… I won't betray you, my words to you won't be a lie…"
"How can I believe that…?"
"Because I've been looking at you…"
"But I don't know that."
"…" He stared at me sharply, but not intimidating, "Then, you can try to date me… To know me… I know you're not going to actually reject me."
Bull's eye…
"…Yes…" I hesitantly answered, "I won't be able to turn you down, I understand that, but… It's probably only a platonic love… Because I haven't know you and I was just being happy because someone did something that I longed for in years, even if in kind of forceful way."
"Listen, Un-chan, we can try, if you wanna break up later I will be fine with it…"
… Break up is not an option, eventually I will hurt you. And I don't want to hurt people's feeling. I don't actually mind if someone hurt me but to Sensei… Even if it's only platonic, Sensei is someone who's looking after me, and I don't want him to be hurted, especially by me…
"I may… never experienced in love…"
"No, Un-chan, you experienced in it."
"I never had a gi—"
I feel his finger again on my lips, this time, he pressed it deeper, "You fell in love with American Football," he chuckled warmly, it's quiet a rich and sweet voice, he's older than me but his voice is not manlier than mine. It's a little bit tender and husky, a cute husky voice, which I never heard, probably because I never hang out with men on his age… No, I only hang out with… No I don't actually hang out with anyone. But…
"American… Football?"
"It doesn't have to be love to a human being, it can be anything…"
"Yes… I do love it…"
"Right? And when the scholarship betrayed you, it feels like the whole world is going to separate you from your love, but you're still struggling here, even if your excuse is to see Agon on top."
My eyes widened at his explanation, indeed, I… "Yes." I can see Sensei is smiling softly, his finger moves down to my neck. I gave a little flinch and my cheek is blushing a little, he giggled when he saw my face, bet he's really enjoying this.
"Then you could try it with me, I told you… I will be fine with all that you do…"
"I don't want to hurt—"
"No," he drew his face closer to mine, both of his warm hand is now on my shoulder, gripping it softly, "You won't hurt me, I know that…" I can feel his breath, I can smell him, a nice a strong smell of mint, "do you want to confirm it?"
"Con… firm…? By what…?" I looked at him, puzzled.
"By this," in a split second my eyes widened, his lips is touching mine, pressing it, softly, yet intimidating, warm… warm… Sensei… Sensei's… Lips… This is—Wrong—I struggled, We shouldn't do this, we're both men, we're teacher and student—he's older— I keep struggling, but he tightened his grip on my shoulder, pressing his lips deeper on me, giving me a hard time to breathe, "relax… Un-chan…" he broke the kiss, but our lips remains close.
"This is not right…" I panted, flushed red, my body can't move but it feels so hot.
"Why not trying to accept it?"
"I—mmph!" Another kiss, this time, Sensei did it with force, pressing my head towards his, holding on to my neck, trying to open a small gap on my mouth, h-he's trying to—Sensei—don't… please no more of this, my head is going blank. Slowly, I can't think about anything anymore, my head goes numb as I'm occupied by Sensei's lips. The warm but hot sensation that he sent from his lips and his fingers that's touching my body freely is blocking my senses.
This is not right… This is not right…
.
.
.
"Do you hate this?" He broke the kiss.
"I… this is just… not…right…"
"Do you hate it?"
"…..Sensei….."
"Do you hate me?"
"No! Of course not!"
"Then do you want to be kissed by me?"
"….I…"
"Do you not want it?"
"….I don't know."
"You're so indecisive…" He cupped my cheek, "I told you I can help you, we can start it slowly, well, of course I will force you to date me sooner or later, but, we can try, right?"
"…But Sensei…"
"We can keep it secret… If you want it."
I don't understand if I want it or not, but I can't say no, I can't. It's not like that I hate Sensei, or I hate what he did to me, I just feel that it's not…quiet right, it doesn't mean that I hate his kiss, it doesn't mean that I hate him, I just…
"…Let me…think…"
"How long…?"
"…"
We are both men, we are student and teacher, we are years apart, we are… …
What are we…?
I didn't actually push him away.
I didn't actually ask him to stop.
I did…
Enjoy it.
"Sensei… If you will…"
"Yes?"
Is this the right decision? Am I allowed to follow my desire? Am I allowed to be selfish? Am I allowed to not think about the future? To separate my self from Agon? To actually be someone for someone? To stop hiding…? To stop running away, to stop… …
Sensei…
"If you're ok with me…"
"Wha…?" His eyes widens.
"If you're ok with a person like me… With a person… as… ordinary as me… Then I…"
"Un-chan—"
"Shall try to be… your…"
"Boyfriend? Husband?"
"EH?!"
"Just kidding… It's fine, of course… Of course I will be ok with you, I'm the one who chase you after all, I'm the one who pinned you down, kiss you, and everything, why would I regret it… That's my sentence, Un-chan… If you're ok with a man like me..."
"Sensei what are you talking about? You're… a great man… Why would I…"
He giggled, "then it's settled. From today onwards, we are couple."
"C…" couple.
Couple.
Couple.
I can feel my face hot again, forming a blush from cheek to ear. Sensei is giggling happily in front of me, patting my head and bowing for a gratitude. I'm just smiling sheepishly for that and looking away in embarrassment.
That's right…
I just say yes to him.
I don't know if we will stay together for a long time or maybe only for months, weeks,…days? But Sensei's smile makes me feel comfortable, his hand on me feels really warm and calming…
"I hope… this is the end of your string, Un-chan…"
"String…?"
"You don't know? That red string stuff."
"O..oh…" I blushed again.
"Right? I want Un-chan to be the end of my string… Un-chan may not feel the same way yet, but I hope, you can feel it soon."
"…I will be grateful if my end is you, Sensei."
Review Responses:
Dream RO: Thank you very much! Your AgonGou will arrive next chapter, sorry for the loooong wait!
Cookie : COOKIE! HOW ABOUT UNSUI IN THIS ONE? I didn't make him too adorable like before because he's the one who make decisions now *hit*
Kaoru: Hey! YEAH KISS. KISS.
Foetida: :v :v :v :v :v
Author's Note:
Another long delay wow I'm such a douche, I'm really sorry readers T-T My romantic side is leaving me for a while there I have to stop writing this for weeks, updating little by little while working T - T Also George R.R. Martin's novels doesn't help at all. ASOIAF is a really good book tho, but not a good reference as a romantic fanfic. *dead*
I hope I can upload the next chapter sooner!
Because it will be a special PoV!
WHO WANNA SEE IKKYU?