I was going to shorten it so I wouldn't have to write too much over the week but it'd be hard finding a place to do so effectively. OH WELL.

Those who do not have the PC version or who have not played since the Sniper and Spy update will not get this. So just look it up on the TF2 wiki. HURRAY?

READ ON!

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BLU's Soldier wandered through the RED compound, suddenly a lot more conscious of the way the women moved. Everything they did seemed to be a motion to attack. This put many of them off of him, but he didn't mind; he didn't want to associate with women who were insane. They just weren't like normal people.

He blinked when he heard a drunken duet, and he immediately realized who the two were. The two Demopeople were linked by the shoulders and their free arms were holding their favorite respective whisky. The two were screeching off key Scottish folk tune and laughing (or giggling) into each others' shoulders. Soldier bristled, but his leader seemed to be in no danger. That didn't stop him from saluting his superior when he passed by, either.

"'ey 'ey 'ey!! Thisiss maisoljur!" Demoman said through a drunken drawl. He motioned at the saluting man with his bottle, and the two took a moment to look at him.

"Ahahahahaha! Watta doofus!"

"Ahnorite." And with that, the two continued on, laughing uproariously and singing even more off key than before. It took two more minutes before Soldier realized that Demoman was NOT going to tell him to go at ease, and he shuffled off somewhere else.

He grumbled at the fact that he was beginning to lose his way; just where was the exit to this blasted hell hole? It'd be easier to work with if he didn't always get lost in this part of his own base! He soon found himself in a hallway, and he blinked when he heard the pitter-patter and breathing of an obviously female creature. RED's Scout was running as fast as she could, although she was not nearly as fast as BLU's Scout, who was chasing after and gaining on her with every stride. "Soldier!" the male scout shouted, waving his teammate down, "Soldier, stop her! Stop her!!"

Soldier kicked into high gear, ready to actually do something befitting his skills. He reached out to clothesline the woman, but she was just a little too far from his arm and just a little too quick to be caught. She whirled about and tried to regain her footing, but she just wasn't quick enough to not get grabbed by the huge man. He practically lifted her off the floor, and she screamed in horror. "Nice, Soldier!" Scout said as he trotted up to the two, finally slowing to a stop before them, "Freaking hell, man, I'm glad we got her!"

"Please don't kill me!" the girl sobbed, grabbing her face in her hands and squealing into them, "I don't want to die!"

Soldier addressed the Bostonian. "What's goin' on, Private?"

Scout nearly forgot to salute Soldier before continuing. "This girl is uhm…" He looked at the girl, who was still sobbing, and turned back to Soldier. "We were playing 'Tag', Sir!"

"Tag!?" Soldier and the female Scout gasped in unison. The man looked at the woman, and she cringed at him. He growled at the male scout, shaking the woman in his hand around. "Tag is a child's game, NANCY. Get your act in gear!" However, instead of doling out righteous beatings, he simply snorted and dropped the young woman and turned to Scout. "Where in the world is the exit to this place?"

The two stared at him as if he were crazy, and the little scout pointed down the hall. "Take a left, and then another left," she said quietly, "It'll be on your right." She looked at the other Scout, who was giving her a wide eyed stare, as if to say "Aren't you forgetting something?" She then caught on and turned back to BLU's Soldier. "I mean, Sir… Ma'am… Sir… Sirsir…"

Soldier moved quickly and saluted her briskly. "Thanks. You aren't bad, fer a FEMALE MAGGOT." The girl screamed in horror when he yelled, and she curled into a ball. It was then the Soldier saluted them both. "Dismissed!" and he was off. The girl didn't move until she was sure he was gone, and she gave a deep sigh.

"Why did you say that?" she asked as the male scout dropped down next to her and removed his hat.

"Say what?" he said with a smirk, running his hand across his short sideburns to wipe the sweat away.

"You know very well what. Don't be rude! Why did you say what you said?"

BLU's Scout shrugged. "I know Soldier. He's freaking batshit insane (pardon the language) and likes to find a reason to kill someone every chance he can. I knew that he'd do something stupid if I told him you were relaying that message to your sniper."

"But why? Why save me? I WAS going to tell Lady Sniper everything." She curled into a ball and hugged her legs tightly. "I'm your enemy…"

"But I caught you, and when Soldier let you go, you didn't run away. You're not even running now." He turned to her and smiled. "You didn't want to tell your leader anything, and you don't even now. So you're not my enemy, not yet, at least." There was silence for a moment, and Scout looked back at the young woman. "If anything, you're my friend, Other Scout."

"If Spy found out…"

"She can't; she's dead." The young woman looked up suddenly, and the man shrugged. "I'm sorry, I know she was your friend…"

"Oh my god…" she muttered, leaping up. She placed her hands over her mouth with wide eyes. "Oh my god…"

Scout cocked his head. "What…? Come on, that's what we do! I'm sorry that I killed her, but I…"

"Oh Scout…~~" The BLU's blood ran cold when he heard an all too familiar voice. He whirled around but he was caught by a female hand that slammed him into a wall. "Oh Scout, I missed you… oh… so… much…~"

"Wha-what the!? B-but… You… you're dead!" Scout shouted as he stared at the now materializing spy. He looked up at the female scout, who was watching the scene with absolute fear.

"I am…" Spy said with a beautiful smile, lifting up her free hand to point at the exact point in her forehead that he hit her, "You shot me… right… here…"

"Other Scout!" BLU's Scout shouted. He attempted to reach out for her help, but one look from the female spy made her retreat a few steps. He squirmed in the ghost's grip and was punched in the face.

"I swear, Scout, if you don't get to our leader right now without any more interruptions, you will meet the exact same fate as this little punta!" She shook the young man and slammed his head against the wall for good measure. RED's Scout opened her mouth, took a step forward, closed her mouth, turned, and ran. BLU's Scout gave a strangled cry, choking on his own blood, as he saw her leave the spy with him. He turned to her fierce, fiery eyes, and tried very hard to think of something to quell her anger.

"Hey toots, listen…"

"What's the matter, 'petit'?" the spy hissed, shuffling up right next to him and dragging his face so close that his bleeding nose nearly touched hers. He coughed on his blood and lack of oxygen, and she smiled devilishly at his wide, fearful eyes. "Now that your friends aren't around, you can't stand up for yourself? Suddenly you want to be one of us? Wanna be like our Pyro?"

"I always liked you, just not when you were killing my friends!"

Scout was punched in the nose again. "Well then you chose wrong, didn't you?" She shook him when he did not answer immediately. "Didn't you!?"

"Spy, please!"

"Please what, 'petit'?" The knife was out faster than he could see. "Please put you out of your misery? I could do that, filthy dreck!"

"Please forgive me for this!" He slammed his fist into her jaw so hard, something cracked. He moved to fight back, but she slammed her knee into his crotch. Scout cursed with a high pitched squeal; before he could even attempt to strike back, Spy backhanded him to the floor. Just as she dropped on top of him to finish her torture, the young man raised his hands in surrender. "S…Spai… P-plea…" he squeaked in a horrible falsetto that he could not control.

Spy glared at him, and suddenly her face softened into a smile of a mother who had just finished chastising her child. She sat up and shook her head. "Oh, Mon Petit…" she said softly as the young man blubbered lightly beneath her. She picked up his hat, wiped it off, and tenderly placed it on his head. She then shoved it so far down his head that he could no longer see, and her voice was laced with poisonous honey. "What am I going to do with you?"

Scout prayed that he would make it out of the whole ordeal alive and intact.

Scout squirmed under Spy, but he couldn't move his arms without her striking at him. He settled for cowering beneath her. He was a little surprised, though; she was moving about on top of him, but she wasn't killing him. Scout knew that, even though she was female, she was still a RED, and RED never ever took prisoners (neither did BLU and that was beside the point). If he was still alive, that meant that for some god awful reason, the spy didn't want to kill him yet, and that was enough to make Scout attempt to find that reason and hopefully escape. He gulped in the total darkness he was in, and tried to speak normally. "Wh…what do you… want with me…?"

The woman under him froze, as if she wasn't expecting that reaction. She let out a small "hmmmm…" and then punched him in the gut for attempting to move. "What did I want from you…?" she murmured to herself as Scout fought against throwing up.

Holy Mother… Did. She wanted something out of him that he couldn't give her anymore, which meant she didn't want it now, which meant he was dead. "I…I…can…"

"You can sit here while I think of an appropriate punishment." Spy grasped his jaw and shoved it upwards so she could inspect him better. Scout prayed that she didn't have her knife out. "An appropriate punishment for a young man who broke a woman's heart and protected a sniper. A SNIPER."

"What…" Scout coughed. "What do you have… against…"

"He was just like you. Young and adorable, and he shot me. He SHOT ME to protect his blasted medic. He traded me for his medic, ME." She shoved harshly against Scout, so hard that the young man was finding it hard to breathe. His heart rate increased, and the pain seemed to be leaving as adrenaline punched through him. As she reached down to choke the young man to death for the misdeeds of another, he reached up to fight back. He clawed at her shoulders and he could hear a hiss from the RED.

Scout was losing consciousness. He cursed at himself for having long legs but short arms. How did this lady get such huge freakishly long arms, anyway? He had to do something, he had to!

Suddenly there was a "click!" from a gun, and Scout stopped when RED's Spy tensed. He coughed and barely allowed himself a breath. "S… is someone… there?"

"Remove your 'ands from our scout, if you would…" Oh god it was Spy! BLU's Spy! He was awake and not dead and he was here! Oh thank you, God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, and various Saints! He could feel blessed air returning to his lungs, and never did it taste more delicious than then. He moved to raise his hat up so he could see, and he saw the woman looming over him. BLU's Spy snapped his fingers, and the woman took that as a signal to drop whatever weapons she had and stand. Once he felt her leave his stomach, he slid out from beneath her and nursed his wounded neck.

"C-careful, Spy…" Scout said as he attempted to stand, "That there rat's a ghost."

Spy didn't even turn to look at Scout, instead staring at the back of the enemy spy's head. "A ghost, you say…"

"She died and freakin' came back I swear to god!" Scout continued to breathe heavily; something was wrong. However, he couldn't put his finger on it.

"Is that so?" Spy said. He frowned and motioned to Scout with his free hand. "Since you can stand, I need you to head to the- Scout!" Spy leaped forward and grasped the young man before he fell over. The Bostonian was doubling over in pain.

"Holy crap man it hurts SO MUCH," the young man wailed as he clung to the pinstripe suit, "Oh god just KILL ME now!"

"Get up, Scout!" Spy commanded, turning back to the woman. He saw her moving towards her gun and he shot the ground at her feet as a warning.

"FFFF… YOU try standing…" a deep breath, "when you get kicked in the…" another breath, "freaking nuts, alright?"

"You were fine a moment ago! Ma'am, I would 'ighly suggest you reconsider your actions before I kill you a second time."

"The hell am I supposed… (oh god the pain) to have kids now!?" Scout bit down on his bandaged arm to keep the pain suppressed, but freaking hell NOTHING WORKED.

"We can consider this another time! Scout, stop being…" Spy stopped when he heard something wet splatter on the floor. His eyes widened and he looked down at the vomit that had come from the young man's mouth. It was all over his shoes and his pants legs! "Putain de merde! Scout!"

The wail was horrendous in the male European's ear. "I want to… (please god) to die!"

"I can ARRANGE THAT." The two began struggling as Spy attempted to throw the young man off and Scout continued to struggle to hold onto him. The two fought for a while, until Spy suddenly whipped up the Ambassador and pointed it directly at the woman's head, stopping her in her tracks. She had collected her butterfly knife while the other two had been fighting, and she still held it in her hand as she stood still. "Woman, you will drop that."

"Will I?" she asked. She turned quickly to catch a glimpse of the cross-eyed and upchucking scout, and then turned back to the other spy. "I cannot die, remember?"

"If you were unaffected by this gun, you wouldn't 'ave frozen there. Drop the weapon or I will kill you."

"Hey…" Scout muttered in delusion, staring with crossed eyes at the gun, "is that my mum on that gun?"

"First of all, Scout, shut. up. Second, if you can stand, I need you to find Medic. 'E's not at the base."

"Well then where is he?" Scout asked. Spy motioned to the woman, and Scout didn't get it. The BLU European shoved on the young man, and he found a wall to lean against.

"Get to Medic. You've got a brain; you find 'im."

"Thanks for the help, not." Scout then groaned, spat out the last of the vomit that was still in his mouth, and shuffled from the hallway towards where he hoped he'd find Medic and debating whether or not he should call for the German in enemy territory. He left the two spies to stare each other down, and silence permeated between them.

It took a few moments before RED's Spy first broke that silence. "So, what do we do now?"

BLU's Spy blew a plume of smoke into the air. "I'm not entirely sure. What were you thinking of?"

The woman's eyes danced and a devilish smile curled up on her lips. "Not killing you, that's for sure."

"Come now…" The man placed his cigarette back in his mouth and matched her feral smirk. "Are you simply that depraved?"

The woman abandoned her knife and grappled the other in a deep kiss, one that the man in blue was all too happy to return. The Ambassador twirled uselessly on his finger as they dragged each other so close that they looked like a strange, red and blue blob. BLU's Spy took that as a "yes".

The hallway was completely quiet except for the sucking of lips, and it took practically five minutes before they pulled apart. The two had already found the floor and were creating as much friction as possible. Already he began removing his tie, and he went for his jacket. "Are you going to remove your own clothing or do I need to do everything for you?"

The woman grasped at her own tie and wrenched harshly at it. "You are such an asshole."

"And you love it," the man replied as he flicked his cigarette away and took his partner's tie.

"You see right through me~" she said quickly as she unbuttoned her coat and shirt, "this isn't coming off fast enough, merde, hurry…!"

"Are you always this impatient? Let me 'elp."

The woman smirked at him and let him help her remove the articles of clothing. It was so nice to just let someone do it for her! "Ohh, such a gentleman~" she giggled aloud.

Spy worked frantically to fold her undershirt up and toss it the pile of other clothes. "But of course…" He then lifted his finger and nodded. "By the by, I was wondering…"

She was working on her bra by this point, and she stopped for only a moment so she could look back up at him. "Mmm? Oh, Mon Petit, what could you want to know now…?"

The man smiled sinisterly and lifted a golden pocket watch that he had stolen from her inner breast pocket. The woman gasped with wide eyes as he drew his butterfly knife upwards towards her neck. "I'll wager this is yours, isn't it?"

The woman didn't even get a chance to reply before he sliced her throat open and watched as her blood sprayed all over his undershirt. He cursed silently at how much there was; it was even dripping onto his pants. "Bah, you got blood all over my suit," he muttered in passing. What a foolish, amateur spy! He grumbled and stood up, trying to wipe the red off of his balaclava. He then replaced his blue overcoat and tie, wiped off his butterfly knife, and fished out a new cigarette.

After lighting the stick, he pocketed the new watch, and activated his own. He disappeared and left the dead spy bleeding unceremoniously on the floor.

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Awwwwwriiiiight.

It wasn't really mature I don't think, right? OH WELLS. Anyway, lol at Catholic Scout. Most of Boston during that time was Catholic so whatevs. They were also very much hugely Irish, so I guess there was a bunch of Protestantism too.

OH WELL I hope you enjoyed it.

Also apparently I say OH WELL a lot. OH WELL.