"Who's Daniel?" Kathryn asks, and nips more of the cake.
"You know who Daniel was," Regina says, irritated. She doesn't like to talk about him, but lately she's afraid that once she dies there will be no one to remember him. Snow only met him for a few minutes, and she has her own problems to deal with instead of remembering a stable boy who wasn't even her servant. Regina is the last one to remember how kind he was and how much he loved her.
Sometimes she thinks that if she, somehow, forgets him, she'll also forget how it felt to be good and have a pure, bright red, beating heart in her chest.
"I know who Daniel was, yes," Kathryn admits. "But I didn't hear it from you so, Regina, tell me. Who was Daniel?"
Her heart is healing, she knows that. She'll never be the girl with the easy smile again and she loves Emma for loving her despite knowing who she was and what she did. You are not that woman, Emma had whispered time and time again in her ear, and Regina never really understood how Emma could see beyond the Evil Queen when so many couldn't.
She doesn't blame Snow, honestly, she doesn't. Rumpelstiltskin was right so many decades ago; the darkness had tasted her and liked her, but she had also tasted the darkness and also found it to her liking. And once she accepted that people would never love her—her parents didn't so why should anyone else?—then she simply stopped caring.
But now, now when she knows love and has it in her life, now she's afraid that if she lets her emotions get the best of her she'll follow the same path of her youth. Only this time, she has something to lose. No, this time she has everything to lose. Henry, first and foremost, then Emma, and her still fragile relationship with Snow.
Kathryn. She could also lose Kathryn, and, while she's not sure how he can still look at her and smile after everything he's heard from her, she could lose Archie, whom she likes to think of more as a friend than her therapist.
Maybe that's why she dreamed of Daniel last night. Daniel represents a time when she was innocent and happy. Sure, her life wasn't perfect, not when her mother had plans for her, but she was happy! She was happy and innocent thinking that her mother would let her be what she wanted to be and love whoever she wanted to love. She shakes her head. Well, innocent and naïve.
After all, didn't she ask for help from the same man who'd destroyed her mother, even after learning about it from her father?
"Regina? Are you still with me?" Kathryn asks with a hint of worry in her voice.
"Yes, I'm sorry. I was…" She licks her lips. Lost in her thoughts, she's forgotten what Kathryn asked her.
"Daniel?" Kathryn is determined to have her talk about Daniel. Regina can see it in her eyes, and not for the first time she's glad Kathryn gave her a chance. "You were going to tell me who Daniel was."
"He was one of our stable boys," she answers, and finds it easier to talk about what Daniel did for a living than about what he did in his short life.
Because she knows the truth now.
"A stable boy? And here I was thinking I was the only one." Bless her, Kathryn seems to realize how difficult it is for her to talk about him and is trying to lighten the conversation.
"Hardly." Regina manages a smile. "But at least Frederick was a knight, not a mere stable boy."
"Would it have mattered? If he was a knight and not a servant?"
Regina shakes her head. Cora wasn't Midas. She loved power more than she loved her daughter. Regardless of how much Regina wants to believe otherwise, it's doubtful that Cora would have ever let her run away with him or been happy for them even if she'd had her heart. Even when she had her heart, her mother still chose power over love, and that choice didn't change until her death.
"But he wasn't a mere stable boy, was he?"
"For me he wasn't."
Perhaps it's the tone of her voice, maybe it's the way her eyes get wet at the corners or the way she avoids Kathryn's eyes, looking out the small window at the calm waters of the marina. A warm hand comes to cover her own, unbidden.
"You don't have to talk about him if you don't want to," Kathryn says, and there's a stab of pain in Regina's chest because she never had this, not when she needed it the most.
"It's not that I don't want to, it's that…he was a secret I had so I never really learned how to talk about him without feeling that I'm doing something wrong. Without feeling that I'm betraying him, which is crazy," she wipes the corner of her eyes with her free hand, "since he's been dead four decades now."
They stay quiet. Kathryn's warm hand never leaves hers, giving her strength she never thought she needed, and for the millionth time after the curse broke Regina wonders how much different her life would have been if she had had someone to stand up for her against her mother. But she knows the answer. She'd slept above her mother's vault, listening to all those hearts until their sound became nothing more than a lullaby to help her sleep.
And then she became exactly like her mother.
If Archie were here he would tell her that the real reason she doesn't want to talk about Daniel is not because she's afraid she'll betray him, but because of what Daniel represents. Of course she would storm out of the room, lashing out at the Bug with harsh words and empty threats. Later, only later, when she was be alone in her office with a glass of Sazerac rye whiskey, only then would she admit to herself that the Bug had been right.
Daniel is dead and she's not in love with him.
Daniel is the life she wanted but never had the chance to live, and yes, she now has a nice life with a son and friends and…Emma, but she is only human and can't help but think of the life she could have had. And it's only human to dream about him now that her life is, once again, changing in the worst possible way.
"I don't remember his voice," she says suddenly, more to herself than to Kathryn, but Kathryn nods and doesn't push her to talk. "I remember what he wore and what he felt like, and how weak his smile made me, but I cannot for the life of me recall his voice."
"Sometimes I'm watching a movie with Frederick and I swear I can hear my mother's voice."
Regina knows that too well. "But it never lasts long, and when you pay close attention it doesn't sound like her at all, does it?"
She shouldn't speak of loss. She who had sent her own mother to another land through a mirror and killed her own father to get her happy ending. She who killed so many. What right does she have to talk about pain and loss when she gave plenty of both to her Kingdom?
Maybe she deserves to always search for happiness after she took it from so many.
"Do you believe that the dead can speak to us in our dreams?"
She doesn't mean for Kathryn to take this as a joke, but the second it's out she can't help but smile and join Kathryn in a much needed laugh. "Yeah, yeah, laugh all you want."
She's practically a God among humans. She can create muffins to entertain her son out of thin air—no, molecules, she corrects herself—she can appear and disappear with the ease others breathe. Hell, she even managed to piss off a forgotten Goddess! So why the hell does she still wonder if the dead can visit them in their sleep?
"My father is King Midas and you were the Evil Queen," Kathryn says when she catches her breath. "What do you think?"
"This realm is different than ours. What was normal to ours is not necessarily so here."
"And you think that the dead are silent here?"
"I think that this world with their cars and computers and fast internet makes it almost impossible for someone to listen to their voices."
Kathryn looks at her with eyes that sign "I thought you were going to tell me about Daniel."
"I am." Regina takes a sip from her now lukewarm tea before setting the cup down gently, and Kathryn waits and waits, and Regina is again thankful for her friendship. "He said that he's fine. That he's happy."
"Regina-"
She doesn't let Kathryn continue. "Last night was…interesting. Emma and I, we…We don't talk much. Not when it comes to our feelings. We hold things inside. Foolishly believe that no one cares enough."
"People care about you, Regina, okay? I care about you."
"And you shouldn't." Again she looks away, unable to bear looking at Kathryn.
Kathryn who offered her friendship at a time when all Regina wanted to do was use her. Unlike most of the town, Kathryn doesn't hold her responsible for the curse because she knows that women (even a Princess like her) didn't have a say in their world. Just because Snow married her true love doesn't mean that everyone else did.
Kathryn knows how it feels to be nothing but a bargaining chip between two kingdoms.
And the curse? Unfortunately, it was nothing new for Kathryn.
To quote Emma's favorite author, same shit, different day.
"Are we going to have the same conversation as before? If we are, please tell me so because I'm sure I have something to do." Kathryn hides a smirk behind her tea cup. "Somewhere else."
Regina appreciates the way Kathryn changes the subject. It's not elegant, but she's made her point: Regina needs to let it go. Kathryn's fine, they're having tea together, and Regina must accept that Kathryn's not going anywhere. She's not going to sugarcoat her words for Regina, but if she needs Kathryn, she will be here for Regina
"He calmed me down." If Kathryn wants her to talk, she will. "Usually when I see him in my dreams I wake up and can't go back to sleep no matter how much I try. But last night? It was the best sleep I've had in months."
She hopes it lasts. This…calmness inside of her, she hopes it lasts.
"Since Emma told you she's pregnant, you mean."
No, Kathryn's not going to sugarcoat it for her.
Much like Archie.
"Exactly."
"I always thought that the dead watch us. Perhaps he knew you needed to know he's okay."
"Maybe."
Regina takes another sip from her tea. When she was a young Queen, scared and wide-eyed, she used to eat as fast as she could so she could disappear to her bedchambers. It wasn't until the third month into her marriage that she found out that once the King and Queen had finished their meal, everyone else had to stop eating as well.
Ever since she's taken her time, driving Emma nuts when they go out on a date, but Emma is from a world where fast food is the normal instead of homemade meals. Even Henry can't say no to a burger or a pizza, although Regina is very confident that if he had to choose between McDonalds and her cooking he would choose her.
"Emma makes me feel the way Daniel did."
"Oh?"
"She was not afraid to challenge me, to push me. But Daniel died because of that and Emma, well, she's—"
"Pregnant." Kathryn finishes.
"And I'm left behind to pay the consequences."
Kathryn nips at the leftovers, but doesn't eat them. She asks, suddenly, "Do you love her?"
She doesn't answer right away. She thinks of last night and the way her body responded to the blonde's touch, but Regina is not in her youth, she knows lust and she knows love, and she knows that no matter how much Emma hurt her, she still loves her.
She closes her eyes and thinks, love is weakness.
Her mother was right, love is her weakness, Regina knows that, she knows what she can do and what she has done in the name of love. And if she's sitting here, having tea and a conversation with Kathryn in a civil tone, it is because she has made a promise to Henry: she's going to be the mother he deserves. While she would love nothing more than to tell him the truth and let Emma deal with the consequences, let Emma be the one to fail him, the Savior who can do nothing wrong in his eyes now pregnant with a stranger's baby, let her fall from grace like Regina did, let Emma fall and burn and be the disappointment to him for once…
But she can't.
Because she has made a promise to Henry, and because she knows where this path leads, to misery and heartache and a world without her son. Evil or good, it doesn't really matter when you always lose in the end. And Regina knows all about loss, doesn't she? She always had to fight for love while the precious little Savior had everything on a silver plate since she came to Storybrooke.
She should tell Henry the truth.
Tell him that his mother is not so pure and white as he thinks she is. She should take him and go away, to New York or Los Angeles or wherever Henry wants. Make Emma see him twice a year for holidays and a few weeks every summer.
Tell him that Emma replaced him with the new baby like her foster parents did with her. Slowly turn Henry against her until he wants nothing to do with Storybrooke or the Charmings. Until he looks at Emma with the same hate with which he once looked at Regina.
And then she will have hurt Emma as much as Emma hurt her.
But she won't.
Because she loves Emma.
A part of her even loves the life that's growing inside the blonde's body. Because Emma gave her Henry, and Regina will always love her for that gift. It would have been so easy if she hated the blonde. If only she could hate her, her life wouldn't be so complicated. Her feelings for the other women wouldn't be so complicated. Because she loves Emma and she hates Emma and wants to hurt her and wants…
She wants her life back.
She breathes out a barely audible, "I do."
"Then why don't you —"
"Fight for what we have?" She chuckles. "I don't even know what we have anymore."
"I think you do."
"Well, you are wrong," Regina answers and there's a hint of the Evil Queen in her voice; hurt them, push them away before they get the chance to hurt you.
"Listen to me, Regina." Kathryn's whole body stiffens. "You should know better than any of us that you have to fight for love. And even when you have wasted your last breath, even then, there's no guarantee that you'll find love or that you are going to end up with the person you love."
Regina smiles and looks down, but says nothing. Indeed she knows.
"Love means forgiveness."
That she cannot let pass.
"It also means trust!"
But she never trusted her mother, did she? She never trusted her father either and Gods, she has no right to talk and demand trust when she broke the trust of everyone she ever met. She sighs. "Do I have a right to talk about trust, Kathryn?"
"Regina," Kathryn shakes her head in what seems like disbelief to Regina. "What Emma did and what you did are two completely different things, you must know that, right?"
Regina just stares at her, and Kathryn raises an eyebrow. "You do know that, don't you?"
More staring.
"Regina!"
"What?"
"Tell me you are not staying with Emma because of what you did in the past."
"I'm not," she answers too fast.
That's an answer she's been practicing for months.
"You are lying," Kathryn observes, and Regina bites the inside of her cheek because she's been caught in her lie. "What am I going to do with you, Regina?" There's disappointment and concern in Kathryn's voice and just a tiny hint of frustration that makes Regina feel instantly better. Kathryn's not mad at her.
"I love her, Kathryn." Tired, she throws her head back and stares at the ceiling and thinks of this morning.
With Daniel, she never had the chance to wake up with him sleeping next to her, and her marriage to Leopold wasn't one made out of love. It was a marriage meant to further her mother's plans for her and fulfill Snow's need for a mother. Graham, well, he was what she knew, he wasn't a threat and despite everything, she was certain that he felt something for her. Not love, never love, not for her, but…something.
Maybe she was what he knew too.
But with Emma? With Emma she felt as if she was free again. Free of her past, of her actions, of herself. Emma made her laugh and cry, made her question herself and everything and not give a fuck at the same time. Emma gave Henry to her. She gave her life meaning when she thought she had nothing left.
Emma is the worst thing in her life and she's the best thing in her life.
"But it's not enough, is it?"
Regina shakes her head. It's sad for her to admit, but no, it is not.
Even when she wanted Emma gone from her life, she always knew she could trust her. First with Henry, down in the mines, when Emma was nothing more than a stranger with an attitude; and then later, with her heart, when Emma was everything she wished for and then some.
Emma, who saw her at her worst and stayed. Emma, who saw her at her best and gave her a wide smile.
And if she can't trust Emma anymore then who she can trust?
Regina remembers a girl with Emma's eyes who also wanted to be a family and instead it became her downfall. She remembers broken promises and pain. Magic lessons and anger. So much anger. And darkness. And more pain. So much pain that she was willing to kill her own father to make it stop.
And now that the pain had finally stopped, now that she finally had what she craved for so many years, now that she could wake up in the morning and breathe freely…now the pain is back. And with the pain also comes the anger.
Only this time she doesn't have a curse to cast to escape from her life.
She frowns, her eyes dark with memories of a different life, one she so desperately wants to leave behind, but her curse is to always remember.
Always remember that a girl with green eyes betrayed her.
"Do you—do you want to come stay with Jim and me for a few days?" Kathryn, sensing the battle that's going on inside of Regina, suggests, and this time the ache in her chest is sweet. "Until you make a decision."
Kathryn is a good friend. She won't hold back, but she will offer Regina comfort when she needs . Snow and David are worrying about their daughter, but Kathryn's worry is Regina, and right now Regina takes pleasure in the comfort Kathryn's words provide.
"Henry doesn't know." And she's not Snow, she's not going to destroy his life now that he's finally happy. It took him a while to accept that his mom and his other mom were dating (in a Savior and the Evil Queen way although Regina suspects that being the child of a gay couple won't win him any favors at school). "Thank you, but…"
"You have to go home."
Home.
Henry and then, later, Henry and Emma. Her home. Funny, before Emma, before Henry, Storybrooke was her home. To a lot of people this town is still a curse, but to her? This town is the first place she felt like home. Not because it was her town, no, she got bored embarrassingly quick of the power she had here to the point where she wished for Mary Margaret to start remembering things.
Even so, she loves this town. People, she could do without them (not all of them), but she loves the small town feeling of Storybrooke. What she used to love (used to because the Imp had a different opinion) was the fact that this world had no magic. To be precise, this world has magic, but much like Emma's, it is young and weak while the old magic of her world was demanding and addictive.
"Home?" She laughs bitterly. "Don't you know, Kathryn, that home was never safe for me?"