Disclaimer: Hi. I'm Maria Angseth. This means that I am not Masahiro Sakurai, and as such, I did not create Super Smash Bros., nor did I create any of the characters within this story. The story itself, though, that's all me. You think Masahiro Sakurai's got the brass ones to have Samus and Zelda have sex in a volcanic hot spring? Shit no he doesn't, fuckin' pansy. As a matter of fact, that's how I'm gonna start this fuckin' chapter. Fuck that guy.

"Ahhhh...Samus! Not so rough!"

"Oh, shut up and take it...you know it feels good."

As scalding geysers erupted all around the small, steamy pool, Samus's teeth grazed across the stiff, ripened nipple of the small-chested queen in her arms. Zelda complained a lot during sex, but Samus knew her well enough to know that if she wasn't satisfied, she would say so with a sharp punch to the shoulder blades, not a halfassed protest derived from pleasure/pain.

"Nnnh...bite harder...."
"Knew it...whiny little..."

As Samus bit down on the soft pink flesh, the elven girl to whom it belonged tipped her head back, seething with intense masochistic ecstasy. She wasn't a whips and chains sort of girl, but nothing was a bigger turn-on for Zelda than to be bitten and scratched. Her fingernails dug into Samus's shoulders, which made the warrior moan, but nothing had prepared Zelda for the surprise that Samus had in store for her. Her eyes widened and her lips parted to scream. Samus had penetrated her. Some people called such acts mere foreplay, but those people had never spent an evening with Samus Aran's magic fingers.

Samus was focused beyond all belief for a woman who was making love to her wife in a pool of magma-heated water and steam. Her eyes closed and her grip steady, Samus proceeded to pleasure Zelda with almost militaristic diligence, fueled by the raptured whimpers that blossomed forth from her love's thin, gentle lips. The Hunter knew the Hylian's little nooks and crannies almost as well as she knew the surface of her home planet. For a fleeting instant, her thoughts drifted to the ultimatum she'd received from Snake. Link was there...Zebes. That was the dumbest move he could possibly make. It was too easy, there had to be something behind it--

"Ahhh! Ahhh! Samus! I'm about to come!"

Oh yes...to business.

Fingers twisting devilishly, Samus raised her head from Zelda's breasts to her neck, kissing and licking the steam-slick skin before biting it enticingly. It was that burst of sweet, sweet pain that sent Zelda over the edge. Her back arched, her limbs stiffened, and she screamed her climax to the heavens above as every muscle in her lower body tightened, contracted...then relaxed.

As Zelda was clearly too taken by her orgasm to move quickly, Samus simply lifted her into her arms, standing and leaving the pool.
"C'mon, sweetie...mission time," she said quietly, to which Zelda could only nod.
Re-entering her ship, Samus laid Zelda down, then began to dry them both. The soft bed in which she'd spent so many nights in deep space suited Zelda's lithe body more than her own. As she zipped up her Zero Suit and laid back for the ship to reactivate her armor, she took a moment to steal a glance at Zelda.
"So beautiful."

Badadada, badadada!

Snake groaned. He hated being woken up by a Codec call, and knowing his luck it was probably Mei Ling. He couldn't handle her shrill voice this early in the morning.
"This is Snake," he grunted, tapping his ear for clarity.
"I need you to report to the bridge of the Orpheon. I have a mission for you." Samus Aran's voice was curt and to the point. She said her words, then cut the channel without so much as an 'over and out.' Leaving the small holding cell, formerly for prisoners, that was now his home away from home, Snake cracked his knuckles, then headed on the long and sometimes perilous trek toward the bridge.

Twenty minutes, four dead Aqua Reapers, and one cut shoulder later, Snake entered the large comm room where Samus and Zelda stood in front of the restored supercomputer.

"Good to see you, Snake," Samus muttered as Zelda gave a graceful curtsy.
"What's the situation?" Snake lit up a cigarette, then offered one to Samus, who declined.
"Your informant told us that Link is on Zebes. This is either the work of a madman, a genius, or both."

"You know that planet better than anyone alive," Snake concurred. "Why would he go there?"
"My guess is that it's a trap. He'll lure us there, then ambush us." Samus made an irritated "huff" noise. "I've decided to send you and one other person there. You'll be gathering as much intel as you can in the caves of Brinstar, Norfair, and where Tourian used to be. Your partner on this mission will be scouring the surface of Zebes...high-speed land recon."
"My partner?" Snake was used to working alone. He didn't like the sound of this.
"You'll be relaying information to each other. I've set up a private Codec frequency...133.37...that only you two and I will be using."

"So who is my partner?"

As if on cue, the door opened, and a short individual clad in red sneakers(and nothing else) strolled into the room, his mouth permanently fixed in a cocky smirk.

"Hey, hey, so are we going into space or what?" he crowed, and as soon as he saw Snake, the two looked at each other with daggers in their eyes. When they spoke, they spoke at the exact same time.
"I'm not working with him, am I?"

Samus turned in her chair, hands folded on her lap.
"Snake...Sonic. Like it or not, you two are the best men for the job. I'm well aware of the rivalry between you, and I expect you to take that rivalry and shove it up your asses. You're working together on this mission, and if I get any lip from either of you, I'll burn you to a crisp. Am I understood?"
"Ma'am." Snake saluted. Sonic let out a groan, then waved his hand in dismissal. "Yeah, yeah...I'll be good."

"Be better than good." Samus tutted, then turned back to the computer.
"You'll be sent to Zebes via warp magic, courtesy of Marth. He'll be here in a moment. I suggest you two get ready."

The warp occurred without incident. Marth arrived, then readied two portals to the coordinates Samus specified. He then left in a hurry, saying something along the lines of "I have pondering to do...serious pondering...relationship...divorce."

Upon arrival, Snake turned to Sonic, his face gruff.
"If we do this, we do it as a team, Sonic," he stated bluntly. "If I can count on you, then you can count on me. Can we set our differences aside for the sake of our mission?"
Sonic expected some military protocol crap like that from Snake. What he did not expect, however, was for the soldier to extend his hand. Taken aback, Sonic reached out slowly, which would mark the first time he did anything slowly, then shook Snake's hand, his face firm and driven.
"We can do this," he said simply. "I'm going to run around the surface of the planet and I'll tell you if I see anything weird. Where will you be starting?"
Snake cracked his knuckles, looking toward a small cave.
"I think I'm going to retrace Samus's footsteps...Brinstar first."
"Got it. I'm out."
With that, Sonic took off at the speed of sound, and by the time Snake's feet touched down on the spot where Samus's Zero Mission began, the hedgehog was already one tenth of the way finished.

Time seemed to move in slow motion for Sonic. He was too fast even for that...time. It was in times like these, sweeping his shifty eyes over everything he saw, that he wondered what his future held. He'd reached the pinnacle of his prowess, he was sure. That raised a question, though: where does he go from here? He was the fastest living thing in the universe. He could run at such speed that even time paled in comparison. The only thing that outstripped him was light...and that wasn't a target he dare shoot for. He knew the consequences.

Badadada, badadada!

Well, that was certainly a jerk back to reality.
Tapping his ear, Sonic slowed down to about six hundred miles per hour so he could hear himself think.
"Sonic here."
"Progress report," came Snake's response.
"So far, it's nothing but Zebes standard out here," Sonic began. "The only thing weird that I'm noticing is that there's not much in the way of surface-dwelling wildlife. What about down there? Are there any Geemers or anything?"
"Negative...this is strange." Snake crouched in a small alcove near the entrance to Norfair. "There must be a reason that they're all gone, and that raises the question of where they went."
Sonic slowed, then stopped. "Maybe Link just killed 'em all?"
"That's unlikely, unless he possesses a power beyond anything we've ever seen, which I doubt."
"How you figure?"
"If he had such a power, he would have used it on Tallon IV," Snake explained. "He wouldn't have to deal with tricks if he could just poof us off the face of existence."

"Yeah, you got me th...oh my god." Sonic's face contorted, twisted by horror. "Oh my GOD."

Snake stood, walking towards the door to Norfair's elevator. "What? Sonic, report! What's happen--....oh."
Sitting on the elevator, blocking its progress, was the exact same object that had made Sonic nearly piss himself with fear. It was a large metal sphere, split in half. Between these two halves sat a timer...counting down.
Snake immediately began to sprint back the way he'd came, speaking into his Codec as he ran. "Sonic, meet me at the extraction point! We need to get out of here, NOW!"
"G...got it! Sonic out!" Sonic was still shaken by what he saw, but he managed to compose himself long enough to follow Snake's directive.

00:03

00:02

00:01

00:00

The spheres reached their climax in unison and burst, giving way to ever-expanding radii of blue-black nothingness that swallowed everything in its path. Brinstar began to crumble all around Snake, who'd signaled Samus for extraction, but just as he approached the exit to Crateria, the infamous stone structures surrounding the elevator broke and collapsed around him. Sighing, Snake turned around, eyeing the wall of crushing death that neared him. He reached into his pouch, produced a cigarette, and lit up, closing his eyes. Every soldier had to face death sometime...it looked as if his time was now.
Shhhhng!
"HAH!"

Snake felt an arm wrap around his waist, then an unidentifiable force pull him upward. Was it an angel come to take him to Valhalla?

Thud.

...probably not.
Snake opened his eyes and took a look around. He'd returned to the bridge of the Orpheon. Standing above him was the effeminate warrior Marth, who wiped some sweat from his brow before addressing Snake.
"You're welcome."
Snake sat up and looked to his left. Sonic lay on the ground, presumably unconscious.
"He fainted," Marth explained. "I'm willing to bet that it was either shock or fear that did it to him."
Snake rose to his feet, then turned to address Samus, who stood in front of the supercomputer, now clad in her armor from the neck down.
"Snake...what did this? What did you see?"

Snake took a long drag on his cigarette, then exhaled. He looked weary...weary for the first time in years.
"Link was luring us into a trap. You were smart to only send us." He looked his de facto superior directly in the eye.
"Subspace bombs, Samus. Link has Subspace bombs."

As Samus's eyes widened and Zelda clapped her hands over her mouth, the main computer screen flashed with notification of an incoming call. Samus turned slowly and opened the channel. On the other end was the one person she knew she could count on to do a flyover of Hyrule.
"Samus! This is Falco! There's a barrier surrounding Castle Hyrule on all sides! It's iridescent, like....like....oh, god....it's Tabuu! Link's got Tabuu trapped and he's using his wings to protect the castle! I'm pulling out! I'm comin' back right now!"
As the channel closed, Samus turned to Snake. The soldier was a step ahead of her, having already produced a lit cigarette for her. Both warriors took a drag, then puffed a cloud into the air. Snake was the first to speak.

"...God help us. God help us all."