Arizona
We've been driving for a few minutes in silence. I'm just taking the time to calm down because I want to have a hold of myself for what I say next. I pull into a layby and cut the car. She turns to me panicked " is it your leg? Does it hurt? Let me look at it". She tries to check the prosthetic but I push her hand away and her face crumbles.
"I am so sorry. You have to believe me I'd have never let you come if I thought he was going to hurt you I swear I wouldn't".
I realise she thinks I blame her, that's why I wouldn't let her touch me.
"Stop talking" my voice is firm because I can't hear any more of this.
It took me a little bit by surprise, but I fell on the floor it's not the end of the world. Any pain I felt was nothing compared to the struggle of not being able to stop her being hurt. Or the frustration I feel now that she's already sat here bleeding and she's beating herself up some more about me. I'm not the person we need to worry about right now and it scares me that she doesn't see that.
I gently take her chin and bring it up, so I can look at her blood smeared face. I take my pen light from the glove box and do a quick neuro check- there doesn't seem to be any signs of concussion but for the moment it's going to distort her beautiful face.
I stroke her cheek and ask for permission I know she won't want to give.
"Show me" I ask quietly.
She shakes her head.
" Look at me" she's resisting but I just keep my voice calm.
" Look at me".
Eventually she lifts her eyes to meet mine and I lose myself in their depths, even covered in bruises she could never be anything less than stunning. I lean forward and give her a tender kiss, she's reluctant at first still scared I'm angry with her but then she meets me. I let her know she's ok, I'm not mad, my lips reassuring her without words. As I pull away I put my hands on the bottom of her shirt and wait. Her eyes drop down despondent, but she gives a small nod. Gradually pulling her shirt up I reveal the shocking red stripes across her skin and my breath catches in my throat. I don't think there's any internal bleeding but I press on her abdomen to check in case and she wince despite her clear attempts to prevent herself. When I've finished I lean over and kiss her stomach gently before letting her top fall from my hands.
" I can see why you don't go home much" I joke unsure of how to tackle everything that just happened, and I'm rewarded with a genuine Eliza smile.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have encouraged you- I brought you here to get beaten"
She shakes her head "don't feel bad" her famous smirk also makes a reappearance "besides you can't bring me anywhere".
"You just said you wouldn't have brought me!"
" I know" she replies with a wicked grin.
It's nice to have flashes of the Eliza I'm used to but something about it doesn't sit right.
"What did your dad mean when he said he told you what would happen if you came back?".
Her smile slips but she tries to catch it "it's nothing. Do you want me to drive back?"
"You're a terrible liar".
She sighs "I promise I didn't know he'd hurt you".
" I know, and he didn't hurt me, I'm fine" I see her relax a little "but you're not".
" It's not a big deal".
" Has he done this before?"
Surgeons are terrible for minimising their injuries. We're used to healing people, we don't want to be the ones who need to be taken care of. Eliza's an ortho she'll have seen some breaks in her time, so I'm not surprised she isn't concerned about her bruises. There's more to it though. It's not just the injuries, she's unphased by the fact her dad assaulted her. I know she didn't know he'd hurt me, but I have a horrible feeling she knew he'd hurt her.
"He never hit anyone else" she mumbles hoping I'd avoid the implication of her sentence.
"But he hit you?" I say quietly.
She doesn't even need to reply I can see it clearly, if anyone asked me if my dad ever hit me I'd be outraged she's just impassive.
"When I came back from the hospital I tried to apologise. He hit me told me I had an hour to get out of his sight or he couldn't be held responsible if he saw me after that."
I can't imagine how that must have felt coming out of hospital only to be broken all over again.
"I'm so sorry Eliza".
"It's fine" she sniffles and puts on her brightest voice " I'm ok let's get back before Avery gets a chance to kick me out of the hospital".
" Please don't" it's uncomfortable to watch someone try this hard to pretend they're fine.
"Don't what?" she asks confused.
"Pretend you're ok. You let yourself go back there and the same thing happened he hurt you again you don't have to pretend you're not upset about what he did".
"I'm not".
Oh god. My stomach turns to ice because I believe her, I don't think she did go there in the hope he'd forgive her.
"Tell me you didn't go there for that to happen".
She won't look at me anymore.
"For god's sake why would you do that. That's why you didn't fight back isn't it you thought you deserved it".
" I hoped he would forgive me but deep down I knew he never would" she whispers under her breath "why would he."
This guilt is going to kill her so I'm determined to snap her out of it.
"Do you know why I was on the plane?"
Greysloan has an extensive gossip mill, I dread to think the things she's heard about me, but I'm not sure she will have heard this. She shakes her head.
" Karev got an offer for a fellowship and I was so mad at him at the last second I took his place just to screw with him. I chose to get on that plane. I thought about that a lot in my hospital bed after. I lost my brother years ago he was serving and he got injured and all we got was a flag."
"Arizona I'm so …"
I wave away her words not letting her jump at a chance to not talk about her.
" Tim had chosen to serve his country he made that choice, a brave important choice because he wanted to protect others. I'd made a stupid choice when I was angry and now I would have a reminder for ever of that decision. I spent so much time punishing myself for that choice, hating myself for it. But I came to realise, doctors get on planes every day to go help at other hospitals. They switch at the last second all the time. It was just unlucky that our plane crashed when all those other doctors who had made the choice to get on a plane, to switch were fine."
Her eyes are wide listening.
"People choose to go out and celebrate their exam results all the time. Every year people make that choice it wasn't wrong to do that. You were just unlucky, tragically unlucky".
She's shaking her head.
"Do you think it was my fault I lost my leg. I chose to get on the plane do you think it was my fault?
"No of course I don't" she's offended at the suggestion but it's exactly what she's doing to herself.
"Then why are you punishing yourself for a choice?"
"It's not the same" she replies frustrated.
"No because your choice hurt didn't hurt you it's that which tears you apart isn't it?"
"Don't" she warns.
"Is that why you told your dad you wish it was you- so at least it would be you paying?"
" I said it because it should have been me" she snaps angrily "I was drunk I was the one who should have been injured".
"But it wasn't. It wasn't you. You have to get that you didn't die".
"You think I don't know that?"
" I don't know do you? Because you don't act like it. She died its screwed up and horrible but she died and you didn't. You're still here but you won't let yourself be here. You just run and it's not like you're running to anything it's just cos you're scared. "
"I'm not scared" she hisses angry I'm not buying her fearless act.
"No, you're terrified" echoing the accusation she threw at me in the carpark weeks ago and it doesn't go unnoticed by her and she bristles in opposition. She was right about me then, and I'm right about her now.
" You're terrified of really living being happy".
"You don't know what you're talking about" she tries to protest.
"Oh I do. I bailed so many times when things got tough."
Look you can blame yourself for ever, not care when people beat you because it saves you the job, carry on under all this guilt until the stars go cold. But it won't bring your sister back, it won't change the fact that you're alive, you lived whether you think you should have done or not.
So be here- live you deserve that".
I barely catch my breath before Eliza takes my face in her hands kissing me passionately. When she eventually pulls away she looks at me with such intensity I feel somehow exposed.
"You're really something Arizona Robbins" she whispers.
"You know it baby" and feel her smile in return. I pull out of the layby and we set off back to Seattle; I'm taking her home.