You know how it says this story will have angst? Well, it's time to start getting into that.

Warnings: Sex, violence, talks of child abuse, talks of physical abuse, talks of murder. I'll probably add more as I write, but if you see anything you want me to add just tell me and I will!

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Drumming his nails against the dashboard Deeks stared out the window trying to focus his mind on the task at hand. He and Kensi had been sent to stakeout a restaurant that their suspect was supposedly doing business at.

He had a love/hate relationship with stakeout's. They were fun if you had the right person. For the first two or three hours at least when the conversation ran dry and legs started to twitch and bounce. Not to mention hunger setting in. After that they just got boring and tedious.

It was even worse when you had something on your mind. The endless silence and inability to escape or move around made it impossible not to think. No matter how much you didn't want to and he really didn't want to think.

Ever since his husband pointed out that they had to start seriously thinking about their careers future after the baby came he couldn't stop wondering. He knew things were going to have to change, but he hadn't thought about that change.

When he was younger he had dreamed about being everything under the sun. Some days he'd want to be a doctor while others he wanted to build houses or travel around the world taking pictures. There were so many things to choose from.

He still wasn't completely sure how he had become serious about law. Okay, so he actually knew how that part of it happened. It had been an ongoing joke between him and Ray that he was going to end up defending him in court one day.

That was part of the reason that he had ended up going to school. Not because he wanted to defend Ray, but because of all the times he watched people get accused of things they didn't do by cops that didn't give a damn.

He knew the system was broken and he wanted to fix that. At first that started with simply learning about the system. If he could prove that no law was being broken then maybe it would make the cops stop and thinking.

At the same time though it also meant that he could point out to people exactly what was going to happen if they did whatever stupid plan they were thinking of doing. That didn't earn him a lot of friends, but it kept some things from going down.

After he got his degree and started to go into courts though he realized that that wasn't what he wanted. As much as he loved defending people he wasn't the type of person to sit behind a desk all day and do paperwork.

He loved being able to really interact with whomever he was trying to help. Something that only sort of happened when you were a lawyer. Especially a young public defender that had too many things to do in one day.

So with that in mind he started to look at other things along the same vein that he could do. It wasn't difficult to find the police academy and join up. He was still protecting people so he was happy to make the change.

Somewhere in that though he forgot what had started him on this path in the first place. How some people were given power and thought that that meant they were above everyone else. How they could suddenly do no wrong.

He had been paired up with a dirty cop in the beginning and told to learn from him. Of course, by 'learn' he meant cover up for him when he came in drunk. That brief run together almost ended up in him being kicked out of the force all together.

Luckily, he had been able to make some impressions with the higher ups with how he worked cases. In the end he was partnered with someone new and was supposed to go about the rest of his career as if nothing happened.

For awhile that was exactly what he had forced himself to do. He acted as if nothing had happened, but it was eating him up that the man was still part of the force and there was nothing he could do about it without loosing his own badge.

That was when he was approached by internal affairs. They told him that they had been trying to get something on his old partner for years, but he was just too feared by the younger cops and respected by the older cops for them to get anything.

He knew that he couldn't just sit back and let the man work anymore. It had cost him the few friends he had on the force and earned him a reputation. He didn't care about that though. He knew he did the right thing and it had opened up the idea of working undercover.

It wasn't what he had thought would happen when he became a cop, but he couldn't bring himself to regret it. He loved his job and he got to help protect people. After wanting to do everything he could he finally had a career that he loved.

Now he had to seriously think about leaving that job. Something that he had always thought would only happen when he died. It wasn't as if he was delusional enough to think that undercover cops stayed alive for long. No matter how good they were.

As much as he loved his job though he knew that it was nothing compared to his child. They weren't even born yet, but he would do anything for them. Even if it meant leaving the only job that made him feel as if he finally knew himself.

He knew Callen felt the same way about it all. Undercover cops were what they both were. This was the life they had chosen and it was a life that took complete control of a person and even if you walked away it never left you. He had no idea what the hell he was supposed to do.

"If you don't stop fidgeting I'm going to kill you," Kensi threatened angrily from the drivers' seat.

"What?" Deeks questioned in confusion before pulling his hand to his lap, "Oh, sorry."

"You've been acting weird since we got here. What's going on with you?"

Sighing the man looked from the restaurant to his partner watching him. A part of him wanted to tell her it was nothing, but his mind was racing so quickly that he actually found himself wanting to talk.

"What would you do if you weren't an agent?" Deeks asked looking back at their target.

"I don't know," Kensi answered slowly, "I always thought I wanted to be a bounty hunter. Why? Are you thinking of leaving us?"

"Of course you did. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore."

A hand gripped his shoulder squeezing slightly bringing a smile to his lips. He might not always feel like he was being taken seriously by his team, but he knew that if he needed anything they'd be there for him.

"We're going to be here for awhile," Kensi offered with a shrug, "Want to talk about it?"

"I'm just thinking about the future," Deeks tried to explain without giving anything away, "Can I really have a life if I'm always pretending to be someone else?"

"You want to settle down."

"Yeah, sometimes. I just don't know if I can give this up. I love my job and I love knowing that I'm helping people."

"You don't have to be a cop to help people."

"I know, but this is what I'm good at. I don't know if I could do anything else."

The pair fell into silence after that. Deeks didn't know if there was really anything else they could say. It wasn't as if he was able to give the woman the full story. At least not without talking to his husband first. If Kensi knew then they'd have to tell everyone.

Maybe it was time for them to tell everyone what was going on. They had been married for a year now and they had a baby on the way. There wasn't really a reason for them to continue to hide their relationship.

"Deeks, if you..." Kensi started before her eyes narrowed, "Do you see that?"

Focusing all his attention on the restaurant the detective sucked in a breath seeing what she meant. Their suspect had finally come around and it was clear that something had gone wrong in his organization.

"There's too many people around," Deeks stated as Kensi told Eric what was going on, "We can't wait for backup."

"We might push him into doing something if he sees us," Kensi replied though she was ready to move herself.

Waiting impatiently for a few moments Deeks looked over at his partner and getting a nod in return. They both climbed out of the car starting towards the building. They only got a few steps before they heard a scream from inside as people ran out of the building.

Taking off running they pulled their guns and started to help the people trying to run away. Hearing another scream the detective looked through the window and saw a woman trying to get her two children out.

Seeing that she couldn't do it on her own he put his gun away and rushed inside. He picked one of them up and started to rush them out. That was when he saw what it was that everyone had been screaming at. The man cursed to himself seeing a bomb on the table.

Even as he ran he knew that there wasn't enough time to get the child in his arms far enough away. Dropping down he curled his body over the child using his hands to cover the boy's ears just as the explosives went off.