A Time to Heal
Chapter 10
'Where do we go from here?'
AS the door shut behind Castle, the tears that she had so strenuously held back finally fell. She made no effort to wipe them away. Feeling numb, she made her way into her bedroom where she took off her workout clothes and stepped into the shower. It wasn't until she got out of the shower and reached for the shirt hanging on the back of the bathroom door that the significance of her fight with Castle really sunk in and her silent tears turned to quiet sobs. With shaking fingers, she buttoned the shirt up and looked at herself in the mirror.
She had slept in Castle's shirt every night since wearing it home after dinner at his place. For some reason she slept better wearing it, not that she would ever admit it to Castle. She frowned at herself in the mirror at that thought. 'Not that I would ever admit it to Castle,' she repeated to herself. That type of thinking was exactly the problem.
As always when she looked into the mirror these days, her eyes were drawn to the scar she saw in her reflection. She absently traced it with her finger, remembering how she had worried about him seeing it when she had put his shirt on. How relieved she had been when he refrained from asking her about it. As she finished getting ready for bed, she couldn't help but wonder how many other times he had made the decision to keep quiet in order to avoid upsetting her. The thought was troubling. Crawling under the covers and hugging his shirt tightly around her, she knew that tonight it wasn't going to help her get the good night sleep she sought.
WHEN Castle got home that evening, Martha could tell by looking at him that something was wrong. She was pretty sure it had something to do with Kate. It seemed like for the last two and a half years if something was wrong, it had to do with Kate. She poured him a drink and motioned for him to join her on at the table.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
He looked almost confused. "I think I just broke up with Kate."
"What? But I thought things were going so well. Everything seemed fine when she was here for dinner Friday night. More than fine. What happened?"
He told her about his conversation with Kate earlier. "I feel horrible. I know I hurt her. I guess I just didn't think it would get to this point."
"What exactly did you think would happen? If she wasn't ready to talk a few days ago, did you really think that giving her an ultimatum like that was going to get her to open up now?"
"I told you, I didn't mean for it to come out as an ultimatum."
"Well if you didn't mean for it to be an ultimatum, why not just tell her that? Tell her that you were just sharing how you felt and that it didn't have to be the end of your relationship. I'm sure she'll understand."
"I thought of saying that. I came very close to saying that. But if I did, we would be right back where we started. Nothing would change."
"And you couldn't live with that, right?"
"Right."
"Hmmm."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Come on. If you have something to say, say it."
"Well, it's just..."
"Just what?"
"It's just that we did talk about this, didn't we? Before you decided to pursue this, we talked about how she had issues. How you would have to be patient. I thought that you were committed to making it work? I guess I'm confused and a little disappointed in your decision."
Her criticism stung. He had to fight the instinct to just walk away and go somewhere alone to deal with his reeling emotions, but he forced himself to stay, wanting her to understand why he did what he did.
He started talking quietly. "Do you know what it's like, coming to work every day and having to pretend that there is nothing going on between us? How we have to sneak around? I see Jenny come in and eat lunch with Ryan. I see Esposito with his arm around Lanie, laughing. They talk about their lives, their plans. I think back to how it bothered me when Kate was dating Demming and then Josh. She certainly didn't hide her relationships with them from any of us. But I have to be careful not to touch her too much, or even look at her too much, because someone might figure out what's going on. Then on the rare times that we are alone, I have to be careful not to say the wrong thing or ask her anything personal and risk upsetting her."
Unable to sit still, he got up to stand by the bar. "Did you know her father was in town this weekend? She didn't even tell me. Later she told me she wanted to keep me from invading her 'personal life'. I just don't understand. I opened my home to her. I shared my family. I have done everything that I can think of to make her feel safe with me, to trust me." He shook his head sadly. "I really thought we had a chance."
Hating seeing him so upset, his mother stood up and came over to put her arm around him. After hearing what he had to say, she was sorry for her earlier reaction. Before she could apologize, he continued.
"And you're right. I did know that she had issues. I did make a commitment to her. Don't you think I feel terrible that I wasn't able to honor that commitment? I guess I was naïve enough to think that I meant enough to her to make her take a chance on us. But I was wrong."
She hugged him close. "Richard, I'm so sorry for what I said. After hearing you describe how things are, I can see why you are so unhappy. And I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I know how badly you wanted this to work out." She pulled back in order to look up at him. "You do know that this isn't you're fault, don't you?" she asked, searching his eyes to make sure he understood that fact. "She has had a lot of hurt and a lot of loss in her lifetime and some people just can't walk away from that whole."
He knew she was trying to help, but it was doing the opposite. Although it wasn't his intention, he knew he had added to her hurt and loss. He could still hear the pain in her voice when she had said she knew she couldn't trust him. He had the sudden, sinking feeling that he had made a horrible mistake.
She looked at him knowingly. "Don't. Don't second guess yourself. You did the right thing. No relationship can last the way you described it."
"I know. You're right. The thing is, she liked the way we were. I have no doubt that if I didn't say anything, that would be as far as our relationship would go. Eventually, I think we would just have drifted apart. There wasn't enough to hold us together. There has to be more to make it work."
She hugged him again, amazed at his insight. "You're a very smart man, Richard Castle."
He returned the hug. "Thanks. Now you better get to bed. You have to get your beauty sleep after all."
"Are you sure? I can wait up with you for a while."
"No. As grateful as I am for your support, I think I just need to be alone for a while."
Knowing that sleep wasn't an option, he poured himself another drink and turned on the television in an unsuccessful attempt to take his mind off of the night's events.
CASTLE had to practically drag himself into work the next day. Between one too many drinks, falling asleep on the couch and a heavy heart, he was a mess physically and emotionally.
Deciding that keeping busy was the best way to avoid too much thinking, he went straight to work. Despite his best efforts, his attention kept wandering from the article he was trying to read to the window. Although he had made up his mind that he wasn't going to watch for her, that's exactly what he was doing when she walked in. He couldn't help but feel a twinge of disappointment when she went to her desk without so much as a glance towards his office. He watched her as she quickly found a file to bury her nose in, leading him to believe that she had the same plan to keep busy as he did.
He sat down at his desk, dreading going out to work with her. He didn't know how to do this. He wasn't angry with her, which made things more complicated. Anger would be easy. He just wanted to make the situation as painless as possible for both of them. How to do that was the question that had kept him up so late.
Wanting to avoid the awkwardness of being along with her, he waited until he saw Ryan and Esposito join her at the white board before he came out of his office. He walked up as casually as possible, putting her coffee on the table next to her and asked them to bring him up to speed with the case. Her incredible ability to pull herself together when working a case had always fascinated him, and continued to do so now. Although things were a little subdued, the four of them were able to work together without too much trouble. He didn't know if Ryan and Esposito noticed that anything was off or not, but if they did, they were smart enough to keep it to themselves.
Lunchtime proved to be the hardest part of the day. Not only was it hard to make small talk under the circumstances, but eating lunch together had become a part of their daily routine over the past several weeks. It never failed that at some point she would end up purposely licking her lips to tease him, and they always took advantage of that time to hold hands under the table. Not having that connection anymore was upsetting. He was only able to eat a couple of bites before giving up and throwing away the majority of his lunch and going back to work. It wasn't long before she did the same, leaving Ryan and Esposito alone at the table, looking confused and concerned.
Ryan watched Beckett walk away before turning to Esposito and saying, "That was weird. You don't think they broke up do you?"
"Gee, aren't you Mr. Perceptive," Esposito replied jokingly. "I think that's a distinct possibility. They've been acting weird all day."
"Yeah. Of course, it's not like we can go and ask them either, since we're not supposed to know they were dating in the first place."
They both shook their heads. How could they have thought they were keeping their relationship a secret? It was obvious from day one what was going on.
"Well, if they did break up, it's not going to be pretty," Esposito said as he pulled out his cell phone.
"You callin' Lanie?"
"Yep. I figure Beckett's going to need a friend."
After speaking with Lanie and filling her in on their observations of the morning, they went back to work. As the afternoon wore on, they became more and more convinced that their theory was correct. Although there was no fighting, the lighthearted banter was missing and they managed to stay far enough away from each to avoid any accidental touching. By far the biggest give away was the looks they kept not giving each other. Beckett would watch Castle when he was looking the other way, only to quickly focus on the board whenever he turned in her direction and he did the same. Amusing as it was, Ryan and Esposito knew that eventually something would have to give, and as Esposito had pointed out, it was not going to be pretty.
By the end of the day, Castle was emotionally drained. Spending the day working with Kate, but without any personal connection left him asking himself, 'Where do we go from here?'