A/N: Sorry this chapter is being posted later than the others. When I came home from the mall, I wanted to relax before typing up a brand new chapter in EPOV, so please forgive me. I actually tried to post this last night, but fanfiction was screwed and wouldn't "process my request" and kept saying "error" when I tried to submit it. So I'm not to blame. Blame fanfiction.

So here's the chapter you've all been anticipating! EPOV!!! By the way, this chapter was a little harder to write than the other chapters in BPOV and that is because Edward thinks very differently from Bella. His mind tends to over think things and be very emotionally self-destructive. So hopefully I got this right, or somewhere near right. If you feel as if I couldn't capture the "Edward-esque" of Edward, I apologize.

So, enough about my thoughts, let's get into Edward's head! On with Chapter TEN!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

"I don't know", Emmett scoffed, "Maybe one of his butt cheeks are more-"

"OKAY! That's quite enough discussion on Zac Efron's and the Dude-who-looks-like-Zac-Efron's butts."

"I agree." Alice said.

It was silent for a moment, the only sound coming from the sleigh bells ringing. Then we all burst into hysterical laughter over the absolutely absurd conversation we were having. Then I felt it. This was it. The "whole" feeling I had been missing the past three days when I didn't speak to any of them. No matter how many times I tried to push them away, they always wormed their way back into my heart, and… I was glad they did.

Chapter 10: The Reason – EPOV

Three days.

It had been three miserable days since I had wrongfully lashed out at Bella. My best friend. She was hurting so much and I went out and lost my temper with her. I was wrong. I shouldn't have been so harsh, I should have known better than to make such ridiculous accusations. I said hurtful things before I could even think about the words coming from my mouth. I was such a monster. I hurt my best friend when she was already so broken.

I needed to stop rambling.

It took all my strength to leave Bella's room that day and drive away. She looked so vulnerable and upset. I just wanted to stay and comfort her. We had known each other so long that it was a natural reaction to her distress.

When I got home I went straight to my room after a very brief greeting to my parents, Carlisle and Esme. I needed to be alone and think… about Bella. I remembered seeing the look of hurt on Esme's face when I hardly said "hello". My god, I was hurting just about everyone, wasn't I?

What the most hateful thing of all though was not the fact Bella was hurting, even though I hated that too, but that I was the one who hurt her. I knew she was in pain as soon as I saw her again. I knew Renee had died, from what, I wasn't sure. I felt bad for her and desperately wanted to see her smile again. I had missed that smile so much. That was another thing I would never be able to forgive myself for; making Bella leave Forks.

I knew Bella was in love with me at the time. She told me, and I didn't reciprocate the feelings. I loved Bella, but only in a friendly way. I felt horrible when I told Bella I didn't see her that way, but I couldn't lie to her. Bella deserved so much better. It almost broke my own heart when I had to go and break hers.

Fortunately, Bella and I remained best friends, and she put up a brave show, but I knew she was suffering a lot more than she was letting on. Usually, I hated it when she masked her pain to me, but that time, I was almost grateful. I hated it when she was upset and wanted to do everything I could to make her happy, but that time I couldn't.

Of course, little Alice gave me an earful when she found out. For someone so small, she could be so hugely annoying (teehee, adapted from Stephenie Meyer's brilliant line). She told me that I really was in love with Bella and that I was in denial, but Alice was wrong for once. I knew myself better than anyone, right? I think I would've known if I was in love with Bella, and I was not.

Simple as that.

Things got more complicated with Tanya. When I first met Tanya Denali, I was entranced. She was so beautiful and bold, I couldn't help but feel attracted to her right away. We got into a relationship pretty quickly, but I kept it a secret from Bella and my family, since I was not one to have flings, and I wasn't sure if Tanya and I would go anywhere as a couple. Once I finally felt like I liked Tanya enough to have a real relationship with her, I decided to introduce her to my family. I planned to do it on movie night, so Bella would be there too. At the time it seemed like the perfect idea; to introduce them all and let the girls bond over movies.

I knew Bella would be very surprised. We never kept secrets from each other and I just did. I knew Bella would probably be a little hurt over not being told by me first, but she would get over it and learn to like Tanya. How could she not? Tanya was sweet, outgoing, and bold. She had fire, and I liked it.

Not telling Bella first though, to prepare her or ask for her approval (I knew she was too sweet not to give it) was the biggest mistake I had ever made. I remembered Alice storming into my room, three days later, while I was sleeping to yell and scream to me about how I was such a jerk. And I was. When I could finally accept Bella was gone and wasn't going to come back for a long time, if at all, I grew depressed. I hated myself for doing that to her and I missed her like my lungs would miss air if I stopped breathing.

I ruined our friendship. Completely ruined it. It was my entire fault.

I missed the little things about Bella that probably hardly anyone else noticed the most.

Like the way her eyes brightened when she looked at someone she loved. How she would always bite her lip when she was nervous or hide behind her hair when she was being shy. It hurt badly when I would wake up in the morning knowing my best friend was not anywhere nearby. That it was my fault.

Tanya eventually showed her true colours after Bella left. She started becoming impatient with me, demanding attention and favours that she believed were a boyfriend's responsibility. In reality, I didn't feel the pull that I felt for her before. She was still beautiful and bold, but whenever she was around, I couldn't help but crave my best friend instead.

I'm ashamed to say that I used Tanya. I needed a distraction from the guilt eating me away and Tanya was as good a distraction as any. She was my girlfriend, after all. She never knew this of course, and had mistaken my actions for true affection. She was even hinting at a ring when we started college. I shuddered when I thought about marrying Tanya. Never.

Seeing Bella again was such a shock. When the surprise eventually wore off, it was replaced by a sense of wholeness, relief, and happiness. Wholeness and happiness were obvious. Relief came from the fact I would finally get to give her my sincere apology and show her how much I regret not telling her about Tanya first. Hopefully, she would give me a second chance. A chance at being best friends again. That's all I wanted.

When she told me she didn't want to be best friends again, but could be normal friends, I was hurt and disappointed, but not surprised. How could I expect her to just take me back so quickly with full forgiveness. Instead of being upset, I took her rejection as a new opportunity.

An Opportunity to start over again with Bella. I would try to earn her trust again and hopefully go back to the way things were before. I would do anything to make her trust me again.

She was the reason I was going to start out new.

I would do anything for her… only out of friendship, of course.

But she never gave me the chance. She was distant. She hung out with us, but I felt that everything she did was fake somehow. Like she was putting up a barrier in between herself and us, never letting her true feelings show. I knew that she must have been over me by now, which was good, so the only reason I could think of for her distance was her ongoing lack of trust in me (Heh, heh. We all know this assumption is wrong).

It only got more complex when we discovered Bella was having reoccurring nightmares. I was so worried and immensely puzzled. I didn't know what could cause something like vivid nightmares. Only something very traumatic could do that, but what had Bella been through that was hugely traumatic? I knew Renee died, and that must have been hard…

But then another thought struck me. My parents said Renee had died, but didn't clarify how. Was it possible that something more happened than just her death?

I was determined to find out what had happened, but I wasn't sure how to go about it. I knew I had to be kind and subtle, have her trust me first to tell me. That was the master plan.

When I finally broke up with Tanya, it was a relief. I didn't want to be with her anymore. Now that Bella was back, even if not my best friend, I no longer needed to distraction from the guilt. When I saw her cheating on me with that perverted swine, Mike Newton, I was more angry than upset. In fact, I wasn't really hurt at all. I was just angry at her for cheating on me. Affairs were low, and I would have never had treated Tanya like that, even if I didn't like her anymore.

Without Tanya hanging onto me, I had put more effort into decoding Bella and earning her trust back. She was so important to me. She was the greatest friend I'd ever had and I was going to do her right this time.

It was even better when I heard that Tanya was going to spend Christmas in Alaska with family instead of in Forks.

But or course I had to go and mess it all up when I lost my temper with her.

I wasn't exactly positive of what I felt when I saw Bella and that boy, Jacob Black, interact. She was warm and friendly towards him, smiling at him in a way that made my blood boil. She had been warmer to him than to me, and she barely knew him! I know she said she couldn't be best friends just yet with me, but surely she didn't have to be nicer to a near stranger than I. She distances herself away from us, worrying Alice and Emmett, but decides it's okay to be so inviting to some boy she just met. I felt betrayed in a way. Were we not good enough for her friendship anymore? Was I not good enough?

Jacob Black didn't deserve her kindness, he didn't know her like I did.

I lost my temper and yelled things at Bella I never meant. Things that hurt her badly and I just stood there, letting her take the burn.

The look of hurt and agony in her eyes was painful to see. I only said those things out of frustration, not meaning a word of it. But she didn't know that. To her, I was telling the truth, and it nearly killed me to know that she thought I was being genuine.

Then she said something that I definitely was not expecting.

"Edward, you idiot! I am not perfect! I'm not special at all! According to Phil, I'm worthless! I'm stupid and worthless! And he made sure to not only tell me that, but to show me every single day until he decided to 'off' my mother!"

What did that mean? Who was Phil? I had so many questions that begged for answers, but I knew I couldn't go to her. I was probably the last person she wanted to see.

I hurt her yet again. Why couldn't I just stop hurting Bella? She most likely hated me after what I wrongly said to her, and she had every right to. I couldn't blame her because I hated me too. I only messed things up, I didn't fix them. I was worse than every and any monster.

But still, my curiosity was sparked and I couldn't help lingering over what she said. Her saying it was obviously unintentional, judging by the way she covered her mouth with her hand as soon as it was it, as if she was restraining herself from saying more.

It was obvious that this Phil was responsible for her mother's death, and apparently she didn't get along well with him, of course. But something told me there was more to the story, much more.

Not only did I desperately want to know what Bella was talking about, I was also hugely worried over Bella. When I reluctantly left, she seemed like she was going to have a complete melt down. I wanted, no, needed to know if she was alright, but…

I reached for my cell phone on the bed side table. I was in my bedroom and it was twilight outside. Both Bella's and my favourite time of day. Was she thinking of me? If she was, probably only of how much she hated me.

I flipped open the phone and quickly dialed her number. I was going to hit the "call" button when I had second thoughts. She wouldn't pick up. She didn't want to talk to me.

But I was so worried… I had to try… Just press the damn button…

Sighing, I closed my phone and ran a hand through my hair. I couldn't do it. Not now. I angrily put my phone back on my bed side table, glaring at the ceiling.

Not only was I a monster, but I was also a coward.

* * *

"Edwaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrd!!!"

I growled angrily at the sound of Alice's voice on the other side of my bedroom door. What the hell did she want? She was interrupting my restless nap. She was my twin sister, and I loved her, but there were times I wanted to wring her skinny little neck.

I wasn't usually this temperamental. I had a bit of a problem with my temper, but I could always control it better than this…

"What?" I responded grouchily. I knew it was wrong to be taking out my anger on Alice, but I didn't really care at the moment.

"Can you unlock your door so I can come in?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

She audibly sighed, her own frustration with me building up. I purposely locked myself up in my room so she wouldn't be able to badger me about calling and making up with Bella. I just wanted to live through my guilt in peace. There was no way I was going to let her in now after three days of peace.

But it was only peace of body, not peace of mind. My mind was tortured with thoughts of Bella. Of all the times I hurt her, all unintentionally. But good intentions never seemed enough anymore though.

"Fine. Emmett and I are going out on a sleigh ride!" Alice said excitedly, talking through the door. "We're gonna pick up Rose and then pick up the sleigh… with real horses!"

I rolled over, groaning. I didn't need to know this, did I?

"Do you want to come?" Alice finally asked after she finished babbling her excitement.

"No."

"You're such a one-word man today, Edward. But you should come. Bella will be there."

I shot up at the opportunity to see and talk to Bella again, but then remembered she probably still hated me, and I sank back down, deflated. She didn't want to see me. It would only make her uncomfortable, or angry even.

That just made the guilt come crashing back down again.

"Still no, Alice. Go away."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. No go away."

"Please?"

"No."

"Back to the one word answers again, Edward?"

"Yes."

"Fine," she groaned, "do what you want, but you really should talk to her. It might…"

I tuned her out and rolled back over in my bed. I would talk to Bella… eventually. I didn't need Alice to push it along. I was going to do it my way – even if my way wasn't very effective at the moment.

Alice finally finished her morals and ethics speech before walking away. I was relieved that she and Emmett would be gone for a couple of hours at least.

I picked up my cell phone again and dialed Bella's number, but like I had been doing for the past three days, I closed the phone, backing out at the last second. I was never going to gain peace of mind like this.

* * *

I woke up a little while later to voices coming through the front door. Emmett and Alice were home. Looks like I couldn't get out my room just yet.

This was insane. Since when did I need to hide from my siblings?

Since when did I stay away from my best friend?

I knew the answers, and I was to blame. All I ever did was make mistake after mistake. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I do something right for once when it came to Bella? Was I really that pathetic?

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard the voice down below.

Her voice.

Bella was here. Why was she here? I thought she was going on a sleigh ride, but that should have been over by now. Alice probably invited her over to watch movies or something. That Alice was quite obviously planning on getting us to talk to each other. Well I was definitely going to have a talk, but not with Bella. My sister needed to know not to mess with things that were not her business.

I listened intently, finally making out the sound of Bella's soft voice.

"… 1968 version first. Just to see Emmett squirm." That made me smile. Bella was actually acting a little like her old self. But then I frowned. Did my absence have anything to do with that? Maybe it was beneficial to Bella that I was staying away. This just confirmed that she was better off without me. I hurt her so much that she could be herself around me anymore. I supposed that was… understandable.

"How old are Romeo and Juliet?" I heard Emmett say.

"Um, thirteen or fourteen, I think. Why?" I heard Bella reply. I couldn't explain why I felt a little tug at my heart when I heard her speak. I guess it was from the guilt I had been feeling about her. Yes, that was it.

"EWW! They're that young and they 'boom shaka laka-ed'?"

"Nice words Em, and I guess so. Things were different back then."

"But that's still gross. How old is Paris."

"I don't know."

"So wait. If Paris is older than Juliet by a good amount of years and get's married to her, does that make him a pedophile?!"

I heard Bella sigh and I chuckled softly. "In this day and age, probably. But I already said things were different."

The conversation went on for a while longer, but I stopped paying attention, finding no interest in Emmett's rude, sexual commentary. I started dozing after a while. The sweet sound of Bella's voice almost rocked me to sleep, it was a comfort. I yearned to speak to that voice, to talk to my best friend, but I didn't think she wanted anything to do with me.

But I wanted to see her so badly. Maybe just to say hello….

No, stay away Edward. You've hurt her enough.

I was brought out of my thoughts by Emmett's loud booming below me.

"HOLY CRAP! It's Zac Efron's ass! Cover your eyes Rosie!!!" I could imagine him slapping his hands over Rosalie's eyes and her smacking him to get his hands off. An, "Ow!", from downstairs confirmed my thoughts.

"Emmett! You've seen it before! And that isn't Zac Efron, that's a dude who looks like him!" Alice said.

"I know, but it's not appropriate for guy's girlfriends."

"But look! Juliet is showing off her boobs!" Bella exclaimed.

I chuckled again and felt compelled once more to go downstairs and see her. I missed my friend, and it would be harmless to say hello, wouldn't it? I hated staying away from her and I didn't think I was strong enough to keep doing so. I missed her too much.

But hadn't I upset her? Would she still be angry? Of course she would, but I needed to try. There was an undeniable force between us that I didn't understand that kept pulling us together. I should fix this, but could I? I didn't know exactly where my change of heart came from, but I knew it had something to do with hearing Bella talk. Hearing her voice.

I heard her voice again, but this time it said something that didn't make me smile.

"Oh, look at the time. I have to go home now. You'll be over at four, right Ali?"

"You betcha." My sister replied.

I heard them moving around and I knew Bella was leaving. This was my chance. Just to say a brief goodbye before I got to see her again at the Christmas party later tonight. It was Christmas Eve, I had to go and say something. Just a word or two.

Rushing downstairs, I made it to the front hall just as Bella was opening the door to leave.

"Bella", I said almost nervously.

She turned around and her eyes widened when she saw me. She was clearly shocked and unprepared. Was she going to say anything? Was she going to say she hated me? Of course not. Bella was too kind, but still…

"Um… Hi, Edward." She said, mirroring my nervous tone.

"I'll, uh, I'll see you tonight." I said pathetically.

"Sure." She replied quietly, not meeting my eyes. She was then out the door, heading towards Emmett's jeep where Emmett was waiting to drive her home.

I was closer to her, or at least I had been. I should've been the one to be driving her home. But I wasn't, and it was because I had made too many mistakes when it came to Bella.

"Can't you see you love her?" I heard Alice say from behind me.

I turned around, not wanting to have that conversation again, but knowing she wouldn't let it drop easily. With a slight hint of defiance, I said, "Of course I love her, Alice. She's my best friend. You love her too, don't you?"

Surprisingly, Alice sighed and walked away. I knew she thought I was in love with Bella, which I wasn't. She was only my best friend. And besides, she had to be over her feelings for me. It had been two years.

It had been too long, and we weren't even on the best of terms right now. It was impossible for me to be in love with Bella… right?

A/N: Done! Hit or Miss?

Sorry if you were unsatisfied with it. It was more difficult to write and I tried to make it more Edward-ish by not using words like ass or bitch and describing his feelings in a lot more detail than I probably would with Bella. He thinks a lot, so there is a lot of emotion to type up.

SO, now for a little unrelated yet entertaining story of mine which most of you will not read. My friend and I were at the mall today, talking, blah, blah, blah. Until all of sudden, holy crap, Santa Claus and Mrs. Clause are walking our way! He even had a few elves with him and like, 3 security guards to keep the huge crowd of parents with their little kiddies at bay. We got all excited and got in line behind the guards, stalking Santa as he made his rounds around the mall. We kept stalking him until the security guards stopped us from following him down an escalator. Darn! So we continued to walk around, depressed at losing Santa, when some guy dressed up as a jester and walking on stilts came walking along with a trail of little kids who he made balloon animals for. Yay! A new person to follow for no good reason! But after a while, we got bored and went into a store. The End. :D

Teehee, so the only thing left I have to say is REVIEW!!!!!!!!!! REVIEW OR I SHALL SEND THE JESTER UPON YOU!!! (in case you didn't get the jester thing I said right now, read the paragraph above that you skipped).

Reviews are love… LOVE, people!!!

Peace out.