Naruto; What If
Third Arc; Chuunin Exams
My standard form of writing applies.
" " - Spoken
' ' - Thought
( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
Chapter 10 - Begin the TRAINING!
~~Badadumdunbum~~
Well, it's been a week since we returned from Wave Country, and we've been doing nothing but shitty D-Ranks. I've been bored out of my skull, but I'm doing better than Naruto on that account.
I got up early this morning, and once again, found Anko squatting on my bed.
"Yo."
Not even bothering to give a start, I blinked owlishly. "Er, yo. Are you going to be making a habit of watching me sleep? No offense, it bring me great joy to have a beautiful woman in my bed, but seriously. It irks me when people put their feet on my clean sheets."
She smirked, looking decidedly amused. "It 'irks' you? Well, that's the first time I've heard someone under the age of fifty use that phrase."
"I'm a very refined individual. So what's the occasion? Oh, by the way, when I was in Wave I got to practice some of the tricks you taught me."
She raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And how did that go?"
I smiled pleasantly. "First guy didn't scream until I stomped his jewels. Tried the old twist-axe-in-gut thing, but he didn't break. Hell, his brother didn't even flinch at that. Second guy gave it right up when I threatened to, and I quote, 'Peel his dick like a bannana' with a rusty kunai."
The pretty purple-haired vixen busted out laughing, litterally falling off the bed and rolling on the floor with tears streaming down her face.
"Bwahahahahahahahahahahaaa! Aaahahahahahahaa, that's rich! Oh, that's golden!"
Shrugging as I hoped out of bed, "I thought so, too. Hah, you shoulda seen the look on his face when I poked him in the crotch with said kunai. He jumped five feet, and he was tied to a tree with steel wire!"
She giggled for a few more moments, pulling herself up and off the floor. "Man, Ibiki hears that he's gonna have a field day!"
I snorted. "That's not the worst bit. I hung the first guy with the second one's intestines. If I recall, he should still be swinging from that tree." Anko shivvered, an evil little grin on her face.
"Did I ever tell you you're a really fun kid?"
Smiling as she brought up fond memories of that incident, I answered with a chuckle. "Yep, it was right after we replaced Kakashi's books with hardcore gay pornography."
~~Badadumdunbum~~
At this exact moment in time,
Kakashi reached over to his bookshelf, retrieving his favorite volume of Icha Icha, from right where he'd left it.
Without even bothering to open his eyes, he flicked it open, and skimmed to chapter seven. He knew this book by feel, smell and the sound of each delicious page.
As he cracked one eye open, giggling at the prospect of reading about the Gutsy Ninja's antics, his eyes were suddenly assaulted with, images.
Of men. In spandex. Doing manly things. To each other. In a way that men were intended to do to women.
He threw that book across the room so fast you'd think it was on fire as he began hyperventilating, his in-born fear of homosexuals making him feel claustrophobic.
"Aaaarrgh! Damnit! Damn you Anko!"
He would never look at Might Guy or Rock Lee the same way ever again.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
Back with our sadistic protagonist,
I had gotten up and dressed, made a quick breakfast for myself and Anko,(Moocher) before heading out to meet up with my team. Anko went her own way, saying she had things to take care of. Hm. Strange girl, but likable.
...And drop-dead sexy, to boot. Me likey.
On the way, I stopped by Ichiraku's and picked up two take-out bowls of miso ramen, before continuing on my path. I got there thirty minutes after the meeting time, finding my teammates sitting around looking bored. I wordlessly handed them each a bowl, sat down, pulled out my sword, and started sharpening it while they ate.
"-Ulp. Thanks, Sasuke-kun. Say, after today's mission do you wanna-"
Interrupting jackass. "No, no dates. Got plans for today. Try asking Rock Lee, he'd be ecstatic."
She stared at me. "Um, who's Rock Lee?" Oh. Right. Whoops.
"Er, nevermind. You'll know him when you see him."
~~Badadumdunbum~~
Kakashi arrived.
Three hours later. Bastard.
"Yo. I got lost."
"STOP LYING WITH A STRAIGHT FACE!" All three of us shouted, and he comically leaned back, as if buffeted by a strong wind.
Again.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
Well, our mission sucked. We had to-
Wait, why am I telling you? Believe me, it was boring, tedious, and painful. I'm having flashbacks just thinking about it. 'Nuff said.
Anywho, we were walking back along the way, Naruto on my shoulder, since he'd over-extended himself a bit. Eh, I didn't mind so much, but it was annoying that I was always the one carrying him.
Distractions, distractions...
Quite suddenly, Kakashi looked up, at a hawk that flew overhead. Then he quickly said his good byes and made a hasty exit, stage left.
Kindof a tipoff to me, but not to the others. Ignorance is bliss, after all.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
I turned and left, leaving Naruto and Sakura to deal with the idiot trio. I'd make my entrance later.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
I followed them at a distance after Konohamaru made some comment that pissed off Sakura, who in turn attacked Naruto. Then Naruto, Kono and crew ran like hell from a pissed-off pinkette banshee, right around a corner.
And bam! The midget ran into a guy wearing a black puppetteer suit and hood with cat-ears, not to mention purple kabuki makeup. Er, face paint.("It's war paint, damnit!")
Heheh, Kankuro. Or Kank. How about Kinky? That's funnier.
He grabbed Konohamaru by the collar and lifted him up, making threats to pound the little squirt into the ground. I decided to make my presence known.
With a bang!
I silently drew my sword underhand, formed a seal with my left hand, and shunshined to their position, appearing right behind Kankuro; I landed in a crouch, completely silent, eyes closed, facing Temari. My sword was held behind me with the blade sticking between Kank's legs and angled upward, being held verrry close to his crotch. If he bent his knees even a little, he'd slice his own happy-sack right open.
Of course, he didn't notice, but Temari did. Just before she opened her mouth, I said my awesome one-liner.
"Hey, cat-man... Let the kid go, or I'll gut you scrotum to sternum." I gave him juuuust enough time to look down, and realise I wasn't joking. "NOW, barbie-boy, 'cuz I'm about to sneeze." Now this isn't an idle threat. I wasn't going to, but still. It got my point across.
But hot damn, he immediately placed the tyke on the ground, very gently, and said, "Hey, I was only kidding! So could you please-" Konohamaru ran back over to where Naruto and Sakura were, and hid behind them. Can't blame the kid, he was barely crotch-height to the cross-dressing dollboy.
"Right after you apologise. Don't come into someone else's village and threaten the Hokage's grandson unless you're ready for the consequences. Be glad Asuma isn't here, or he'd have split you open instead of giving you a friendly warning." I slowly opened my eyes, taking in the sight of Temari, who looked fairly shocked, annoyed, and worried. Mostly worried, probably because of Kankuro's stupidity, that there might be an international incident.
"Ah, hello, miss Temari. I take it the crossdresser belongs to you?" She stifled a quiet laugh, before responding, "Yes, he does. Would you be so kind as to release him? He's more valuable than he looks."
"Hm. Well, how can I deny the request of such a beautiful desert blossom...? Very well." She blushed deeply, my flattery striking home. I extricated my blade from between Kankuro's legs without unnecessary damage.
Meaning, I very carefuly sliced a gash along the inside of his pants without making a sound. It'd be obvious if he bent over or sat down, though. Heheh.
Bringing myself up to my full height, I expertly flipped my blade and sheathed it, calmly observing as Kankuro breathed a sigh of relief. Just as I felt a twinge when he shifted his weight slightly, I felt something even greater.
There was a massive wave of killing intent, radiating from a tree nearby. I didn't even bother looking. "Hm. It seems the third sand sibling has arrived."
At my words, I could hear and feel Kankuro swallow, as fear rolled off him in waves. Eesh, talk about a brother complex.
"Kankuro... You are an embarassment to our village." Gaara's gravelly voice reminded me of Zabuza, as he appeared, hanging upside down from one of the tree's branches.
"G-Gaara! Y'see, they-"
Interrupting homicidal ginger. "Shut up... Or I'll kill you." His tone brokered no arguement, and I could very well understand that there was a reason the redheaded boy was feared; both of the older siblings started apologising profusely, more to Gaara than to us. Strange relationship.
"My apologies for my sibling's actions."
I shurgged it off, shifting my mask back into place. "No harm was done, so it's fine. You're Gaara of the desert, huh? Hm. Somehow I thought you'd be taller. I take it you three are here for the Chuunin Exams, then?"
Temari nodded, still looking slightly scared. Kankuro looked about ready to piss himself, but I figured the only reason he didn't was because he'd pissed earlier.
Gaara shunshined down next to his teammates, and stood.
He was kinda short. Really short. That gourd was nearly bigger than he was. "You. what's your name?" The redhead asked, staring holes in me.
"Who, little old me? Well, I'm nobody, really... But my name is Sasuke Uchiha."
Gaara didn't react in the slightest, but I could tell his interest was piqued. the fact that he was still staring at me kinda helped me make that assumption.
"Hey, wait! You don't wanna know my name?" Naruto practically shouted, once again unable to read the mood, and having no concept of indoor voices.
"Not in the slightest. Temari, Kankuro, let's go." And all three of them shunshined away, leaving us to stand here and look puzzled.
While Naruto and Konohamaru sat and muttered, looking depressed, I cast my gaze to the trees, until I saw the three sound nins, watching. Hm. fun-time?
I crossed my eyes and stuck my tongue out at them, getting an unexpected reaction from two of the three. The girl facepalmed, whereas the guy with spiky hair facefaulted,
Falling out of the tree in the process. Dumbass.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
We went and met up with Kakashi, who was late, as usual. When he got there and made some lame-ass excuse, we all called him a liar. Then he handed us the application forms for the Chuunin Exams.
Naruto, being Naruto, ran over and tackle-hugged him, proclaiming his love for his sensei.
Another dumbass. Great.
After he extricated Naruto from his person, I pulled my lazy sensei aside before he could disappear.
"Oy, sensei. Before we take the exam, I want you to teach me something."
He raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what's that?"
"Your original technique. Chidori."
He stared at me, unblinking. "You want me to teach you an A-rank assassination jutsu, for what?"
I looked left, then right, and leaned close, speaking softly. "Orochimaru is going to attack the village during the exam; I've already warned the Hokage. He's after the sharingan, so both you and myself are his prime targets. Since I'm the weakest, I'm the one he'll go after, and I'd rather have something that can actually hurt someone of his calibur on-hand if he really shows up."
My sensei stared at me, hard. "...You're sure? And how did you find out about this?"
Raising an eyebrow, "My father kept reconds on all missing-nins. He'd captured one of the bastard's spies and personally interrogated him. What he found out was that the snake bastard founded his own village, and intends to attack during one of the Chuunin Exams. I'm assuming it's this one, since it's the first one that the Sound village is participating in."
He continued to stare a hole in me.(One eye, remember?) "I'll take this information to the Hokage before I make any decisions... But I will teach you the Chidori. However, I doubt you can master it in a single week."
I grinned evilly. "Watch me."
~~Badadumdunbum~~
"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."
- Henry Lewis Mencken, 1880 - 1956
~~Badadumdunbum~~
"Self-sacrifice… a nameless shinobi who protects peace from within its shadow…" -Shisui Uchiha