Chapter ten

Blessings & Curses

I went through the motions of my first couple weeks of college. I attended classes and studied, I spent some time in my dorm room, mostly time I needed to be away from Alice. Usually it was times that Mellissa was in class or out, but I did want to get to know her. The more I talked to her the more I liked her so I spent some time at the dorm when she was there. It was awkward when she asked questions or talked about Jake but she was taken with him already. I wanted to know that she was good enough for Jake, that she would make him happy. In the end she would be a part of my future too. Jake was family to me and we would always be close, she was the type of person that would accept that and become part of it. The only times I really needed to escape were when Jake came; which was so frequently I wondered if he was even going to school at all. I knew from the others that being apart from Mellissa would be difficult for Jake. I still talked to him everyday and it seemed that we were both trying to figure out the ground rules for our new relationship. It was a struggle to spend time with them as they were discovering their new relationship. I spent time at "James' apartment" then.

It was Thursday evening and Jake was over so I headed over to Alice's for the night. She watched me scarf pizza and respected the silence while I ate.

"Alice in a couple weeks it will be one year since that night. I need closure Alice; please tell me what happened after …." Not really sure that I wanted to know, but somehow knowing that I had to know I pressed.

"Alright." Alice's eyes seemed to take on a vacant stare like she was in the past reliving that fateful night.

"After Emmett and Rosalie got Jasper out of the house and the bloodlust subsided Jasper left to hunt and he needed some time alone." The very words seem to torture Alice as she spoke.

"It wasn't Jasper's fault Alice. He was struggling when I got the paper cut but he was controlling it. Another minute and he would have been fine. Jasper didn't lose control until Edward threw me into the table and I fell into the broken glass."

"I know Bella. We all know. I'm just surprised that you realized that." Looking down as though she could not continue Alice finally cleared her throat and started again. "It is that knowledge that caused your Edward to come undone. The guilt consumed him. Edward believed he could never keep you safe, that eventually his actions would get you killed. Edward's flair for the dramatic and his propensity to overreact kept putting you in danger. First at the clearing with James; had Edward not overreacted James would likely have walked away at Carlisle's declaration that you were with us. James' obsession was in response to Edward's overprotective behavior. Edward has been punishing himself for that ever since. Then when he acted like a drama queen at your birthday party he realized that he couldn't balance his love for you, need to protect you, with his self control."

"But what I don't understand is why he wouldn't just change me; then there would be no issue. I wouldn't be a constant threat to the family; I wouldn't need to be protected."

"Bella, you've only seen one perspective of a vampire. You act like it is a good thing to be one of us. Bella, make no mistake; this is not a good thing, not a reward or a prize to be sought out. Ours is a cursed existence. What you have seen is the beauty, strength, speed, and for as much as you are able to grasp it immortality. You have seen only the positive sides of those few attributes. Believe me when I tell you the negative side is terrible. Take the speed or instance; to you it seems normal for us to move at human speed like we just take a leisurely stroll. Imagine crawling on your hands and knees everywhere you went at a very slow pace having to concentrate on the pace; that is what walking at human speed is like for us. Bella before you came around no one ever moved at human speed at home. While it might seem silly to think of the beauty as a curse, it is. The beauty is meant as a means of drawing in prey. When you are a vegetarian vampire you constantly have to counter that or your scents would be assaulted with temptation every second. Think about the rumors you heard about us when you first came to Forks. We portray ourselves as standoffish, that no one else is good enough for us, we don't invite conversation, or friendship, and we discourage it by appearing snobby. We count on my gift and Edward's gift to keep people at bay. Edward scans for thoughts, if someone is considering coming over to talk to us we either stare them down and intimidate them or engage in some behavior that suggests we couldn't be bothered. I search the future for any activity that would be a problem for us, like the blood testing in biology or a sunny day, or a human taking too much interest in one of us."

"Alice, you must have seen me coming."

"Yes."

"Then why didn't you stop it?"

"You were going to make Edward so happy; there would be so much love between you and you were going to be one of us. We would be best friends. I guess I was just being selfish again, I wanted Edward to finally have someone and I wanted a friend. I didn't see everything; I couldn't, not until certain decisions were made triggering new paths."

"Well, what else, what are the other cons of being a vampire?"

"Think of the other things that you already know; the pain you know about, the burn of the venom; it is not much different than the near constant burn in your throat for human blood. We struggle constantly for self control and that is not just Jasper. Our minds, you know that our minds work differently, what you don't know is that the increased capacity is not always a good thing. Perfect recall for example is not what it's cracked up to be. Edward suffers greatly from that perfect recall. Every second of every mistake, every breath of the pain you endured at James' hand is like it is happening again fresh in his mind over and over. It is always there even when you are concentrating on something else; our minds can distinctly think about several things at a time. There is no escape from it; we do not get a minutes peace ever. Because we can't sleep there is not even the luxury of that escape, no dreams, and no down time. When you are immortal, without escape, boredom and monotony grows. Oh, it's not so bad for the first couple decades while there are still new experiences, but after 50 or 60 years it becomes unbearable. Then there's the guilt; guilt for the times we are not able to control the bloodlust or the times we choose not to and for Carlisle, guilt for damning the others to this existence."

Alice sat quietly for a few minutes before continuing and I think she would have cried if she could have.

"We spend so much time and energy pretending, protecting our secret, to maintain some sense of familiarity and civility it can be maddening."

Alice sighed and I watched as she crossed her leg over the other and thought about that actually taking practiced concentration rather than the natural reaction it would be for me.

"Carlisle at least gets to work at a career that he loves; Esme too at times. For the rest of us you can't imagine the frustration of pretending to be a teenager, attending high school for the 100th time. Every one of us has at least half a dozen advanced degrees and yet we have to endure high school with less educated teachers in order to keep our secret." She laughed and then seemed to be lost in thought for a few moments before continuing.

"When it gets to be too much to take we endure another college or graduate degree. Honestly Bella, all the knowledge and perfect retention and recall and we can never really have a career because none of us can really pass for much older than school age. It's a double edged sword; if we don't go to school and don't go to work how long do you think we could go unnoticed in society. We would be forced to live in hiding. So we endure; we go to school where we are isolated. It is too great a risk to get too close to humans; risk that we will not be successful in controlling the bloodlust; risk that humans will discover our secret; risk of exposure. We don't invite contact and the humans tend to stay away from us sensing they are unwelcome, blaming that on our looks." Alice's eyes looked far away like she was remembering and picturing every moment in the telling of the story.

"Did you know that in nearly 100 years of attending school, not once has a human befriended one of us that is, until you. Even relationships between vampires are difficult. Our family is extremely rare, you know that. For most of our kind, the ones who are not vegetarian, relationships are based on fighting together, sex, or boredom or some such purpose. They are not typical relationships, not even in this unusual family. We never change so our relationships tend to stay fixed at a certain stage if you will. There is no natural progression, having a family, raising kids, growing old together, nursing each other in poor health. I suppose Carlisle and Esme are the only ones of our kind that have anything even remotely close to that."

Listening to Alice suddenly made me very sad. She's right; I have never considered the downsides other than the physical pain and challenge of self-control. I can't begin to imagine the difficulty I added to this family by my mere presence. "Alice I'm so sorry" it just doesn't sound like enough to cover it.

"Edward may be a drama queen Bella, but he's been right to take this seriously and in his way it is his selfless act of love to refrain from turning you. In a way, maybe he has been the least selfish of all of us. We were all so ready to damn you to this existence because we love you and want you with us maybe that, was being selfish."

"Thank you for being honest Alice, you've certainly given me a lot to think about." Could it be true? Had Edward truly not changed me for selfless reasons?

"You're welcome, now tomorrow were going shopping, no arguments."

I groaned internally but knew it was one of her few real pleasures, so I just nodded and accepted that I would end up the human Barbie doll once again.