A large curtain rose, revealing a dark, apparently empty stage.
Then two spotlights came on, revealing on each far side of the stage were Plugg and Kurda. Plugg was on the stage's left side, while Kurda was on the right.
Each creature was holding a long piece of parchment and a quill (Kurda was holding a gold-tipped one with an elegant red-and-purple feather, while Plugg had a bone-handled quill with a rather scraggly-looking feather that looked like it had been taken from a seagull). As the music began to play, each of them began to write a letter:
"Dearest darlin'est eddicated uncle," said Plugg, reading aloud what he wrote in a cheerful yet business-like way.
"Mine not so dear father," growled Kurda, her quill almost stabbing the parchment.
The two beasts then began to sing in unison:
There's been some
Confusion
Over rooming
Here at Keeeeelllll'zzzz
Kurda shook her head stubbornly as she wrote the next part: "But of course, I von't give a hoot about Bladd!"
"But of course, I'll scheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeme my way out of it," sang Plugg goofily, winking at the audience.
They resumed singing in unison - except they each sang a slight different verse:
Plugg sang, "For I know tha's how yew'd wan' me t' respond, yes!"
Kurda sang, "For I know that is not how you vould vant me to respond, yarr!"
They each glanced at other, scowled and snarled, and turned back to their letters.
There's been some confusion,
For you see,
My roommate is. . . .
Plugg looked at Kurda, furrowed his brow, his jaw hanging slightly open. The fox tilted his head, scratched his ear, wrinkled his nose, and then turned back to the audience, saying,
"A cringin', crawlin', lily-livered, spineless, gutless coward who defies all description wi' 'er cowardly-ess-ness!"
Kurda returned Plugg's stare, looked down her nose at him, turned back to the audience, and said,
"Shtinky."
Four sharp-sounded chords played.
Plugg and Kurda tossed their quills and parchments away.
Two low notes, and then some high notes later, the two sized each other up, their faces screwed up in disgust.
Plugg turned pleadingly to the audience. "Wot is this feelin', so sudden, an' new?"
Kurda also faced the audience, paws akimbo, occasionally glancing at the fox. "I felt der moment, I laid eyes on you."
"Me pulse is rushin'." Plugg placed his paws on his chest.
"Mine head iss reelink." Kurda put a paw to her forehead.
"Me face is flushin'." The fox slid both paws down his face.
The two then spread their arms out to the audience, as though seeking answers.
What is this feeling?
Fervent as a flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.
Does it have a naaaaaaaaaaaaaame?
Suddenly both fox and ferret became wide-eyed, as though they just came up with the answer all on their own.
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssss. . . .
They each turned towards each other, crossed the stage, until they were barely an inch apart.
LOATHING!
Sharply, the two vermin turned their heads back to the audience, confirming their theory.
Un-ah-dul-ter-ate-ed LOATHING!
Just as sharply, they turned back to face one another.
"For your face," spat Kurda, gazing disgustedly at Plugg's unwashed, ungroomed face.
"Yarr voice," Plugg retorted, mimicking the Pure Ferret's accent.
"Your clothink!" the princess cast a scornful look on the Freebooter's grimy tailed coat of ruined green velvet.
Again they looked at the audience.
Let's just say
They jumped back from each other, as though fearful of getting some weird disease the other had.
I LOATHE IT ALL!
They turned their heads away, holding out their paws as if to ward off each other. (Plugg pretended to gag.)
Every little trait,
However small
(On the word 'small', Kurda gestured at Plugg and tapped on her head, indicating what she thought of the corsair's intelligence.)
Makes my very flesh
Begin to crawl
They both hunched over, as those their flesh really was crawling.
With simple utter loathing!
And with that, the two vermin leaders began to circle each other, each with their claws at the ready, both baring their teeth, as though ready for a fight (certain members of the audience suddenly had some rather distasteful memories resurface because of that).
There's a strange exhilaration,
In such total destestation!
It's so pure,
So strooooooooooooooooong!
Plugg and Kurda suddenly stopped circling, facing the audience with Plugg on the right and Kurda on the left.
Though I do admit,
It came on fast.
Still I do believe
That it can last!
The fox corsair and ferret princess once more turned to each other, backing away and pointing their claws at their hated one as they delivered this promise:
And I will be loathing
Loathing
You my whooooooooooooooooolllleeee
Liiiiiiiiiiiffffffffffeeeee
LONG!
Just then, the entire crew of the Seascab came hurrying out, acting as the chorus for this musical number. They huddled around Plugg, gazing up at him with adoring, loyal eyes, and crying out,
Dear pore cap'n,
Yew are jus' too good!
Plugg smiled and waved his paw in an 'aw shucks' movement.
How do ye stan' it?
I don' think I could!
The Freebooters then turned and glared at Kurda, who had suddenly taken up meditation to help her deal with her current predicament.
She's a terror!
She's a tartar!
The vermin crew's attention then went back to Plugg, and all hate melted away from their eyes.
We don' mean t'show a bias,
But dear Cap'n,
Yore a martyr!
"Well," said Plugg pleasantly, silencing his beasts. The fox took a deep breath, and sang out with a surprisingly good voice,
Theeeeessseee
Thiiinnngggsss
Arrreee
Sent
To
Trrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy
Uuusss!
The Freebooter captain finished by flashing a charming grin of crooked teeth at the audience.
The Freebooter crew then went back to glaring at Kurda, who had finally left off of meditating and sneered at the filthy pirates.
Poor dear Cap'n,
Forced t' reside,
Wi' somebeast so
DISGUST-TI-CI-FIED!
Some of the Freebooters stuck their tongues out at Kurda, who snarled and made a very scarey face at them, forcing them to retreat behind Plugg. Gathered around the beast they all considered a father, the verminous group then cried out,
We jus' wan' t' tell yew,
We're all on
Yore siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidddeee!!
Plugg and Kurda began to walk across the stage, careful to avoid each other, the chorus of vermin walking after Plugg like fleas after honey, all of them singing away:
The crew: We share yore loathin'! (Plugg/Kurda: What is this feeling? So sudden and new?)
Unadulterated loathin'! (I felt the moment, I laid eyes on you!)
For 'er face, 'er voice, 'er clothin'! (Kurda: Mine pulse is rushink!)
Let's just say, (Plugg: Me 'ead is reelin'!)
For a moment, all creatures froze. Then the Freebooters lifted up their paws and shouted,
WE LOATHE IT ALL!
Plugg and Kurda shook their heads at each other.
Oh, what is this feeling?
Kurda then gave yet another scornful sneer and headed off towards the back of the stage, disappearing from view behind the chorus, who took scant notice of her, and simply sang,
Every little trait,
However small,
Plugg took center stage, dancing a bit to the music, singing his own part (while Kurda continued to sing somewhere from the back),
Does it have a name?
Makes our very flesh
Begin to crawl
Yeeessss
Suddenly everybeast was singing the same line:
AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
The chorus scattered as Princess Kurda came charging down the center, right up behind the unexpecting Plugg, and kicked him solidly in the rump.
The silver fox got a "THAT DOES IT!" look on his face, and the next thing anybeast knew, both fox and ferret were grappling each other on the floor - and miraculously able to continue singing their lines. (The chorus was at first shocked by this turn of events, but swiftly went on with it as this was what was supposed to happen.)
LOATHING! (Loathing!)
There's a strange exhilaration! (Loathing!)
In such TOTAL detestation! (LOATHING!)
It's so pure, so strrrroooooooonnnnnnggggggg!! (Oh, oooooooohhhh!!)
Finally the crew decided that it was time to separate their captain from his rival, even though they did know he'd whack their heads together because of it.
They were right.
After kicking and smacking his crew around (with Kurda following suit), Plugg turned once again to the princess, who glared back hatefully, and aggressively advanced. The vermin surrounding them clutched at each other's arms, their eyes going back and forth between silver fox and white ferret.
Though I do admit,
It came on fast,
Still I do believe that it
Can LAST!
To the crew's relief, both Plugg and Kurda began back away from each other, making fists at one another, pretending to vomit at the sight of them, rising on of their legs up in their direction (for Plugg's part), swinging their paws dismissively at them (for Kurda's part). Around them, the chorus repeated the word 'loathing' in soft, held-out chords, all of them looking anxiously back and forth between the two beasts.
And I will be
Loathing,
For, forever
Loathing,
Truly, deeply
Loathing you. . . .
Plugg and Kurda, both stopping at the ends of the stage, pointed straight at each other; the crew pointed their own dirty claws at Kurda, singing the last line as well.
Loathing yoooooooooooooooooouuuuuuu. . . .
Plugg and Kurda threw down their pointing arms, glaring across the stage at each other.
My whole life
Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg!!
On the last line, Plugg and Kurda moved forward swiftly. The chorus, fearful that they'd start fighting again, hurried forward - but there was no need for that, for the Freebooter and princess had settled for just joining themselves in a stare-down.
The chorus settled themselves for singing,
Loathing!
Unadulterated loathing!
For awhile, only a few loud chords could be heard as the corsairs worriedly looked back and forth between their beloved captain and the hated princess.
Suddenly Plugg jerked his face forward into Kurda's, screaming, "BOO!!"
She didn't give him the reaction he wanted, however; she merely fanned the air in front of her, wrinkling her nose. "Ugh."
However, to save face, Plugg threw back his head and laughed - only to be punched in the stomach by Kurda.
The final last chord was played, and all beasts on the stage struck a pose, smiling out at the audience, even Plugg, though he was still a little bent over and looked half-winded (which he actually was).
As soon as the cheering died down, Plugg and Kurda blinked . . . and found themselves back in the fanmail-answering room, as though nothing had just happened. Except that Kel and Cole were sitting back at the table with them, Kel looking as though he had just finished some popcorn, and Cole burying his muzzle in some delicious-looking birthday cake.
"Wha . . . Kel?" said Plugg.
"Heh," was the male ferret's first reply. "Sorry, that was a surprise gift for all the reader's, Nonny's in particular, as she's the one who created Redwall on Broadway. By the way, I do NOT own that fic or have ever had any part in it, NOR do I own Wicked or anything like it. That is all." He grinned.
Cole suddenly looked up from the cake he had been eating. "Okay, now that the 'song and dance' routine is done and over with, I'm going to fix things so Kurda will want to date Kel!"
"What?!" objected Kel and Kurda; was that crazy genet still on that trip?!
"Oh come on, Kurda! You DO wanna date him!" Cole shouted as he pushed Kel over to Kurda.
"I DON'T vant to date him!" Kurda screeched, pushing the male ferret back.
Cole pushed Kelaiah back over to her. "You DO wanna date him!"
Kurda pushed him back. "I DON'T vant to date him!"
"You DO wanna date him!"
"I DON'T vant to date him!"
"You DO wanna date him!"
"I DON'T vant to date him!"
Meanwhile, Plugg had been laughing his head off at the sight of the skinny male ferret being pushed back and forward between the Pure Ferret princess and genet-warlord. It was like some weird form of tennis.
Suddenly, Cole, right when he pushed Kel back over to Kurda, he suddenly jerked the male ferret back. "You don't wanna date him!"
Kurda grabs Kelaiah and jerked him back. "I do vant to date him!"
Cole pulled back. "You don't wanna date him!"
Kurda jerked back. "I do vant to date him!"
"You don't wanna date him!"
"I do vant to date him!"
"You don't wanna date him!"
Now it looked to Plugg some weird form of tugawar; and it certainly didn't help that Kel had the strange ability to stretch like Elastigirl (thanks to such authors as warrior4 and Oreramar and storiewriter).
Kurda then jerked Kel back forcefully. "I DO VANT TO DATE HIM COLE, NOW SHTOP IT!"
The Pure Ferret was about to insult the genet, when she just realized what had happened.
You could just hear the 'Wah Wah Waaaaaaaaaaaaah tune.'
"See?" Cole said cheerfully to Kelaiah. "Told you I'd fix it all up."
Kurda shoved the male ferret away, squealing and wiping her paws on her silken robes. Kelaiah teleported himself and Cole back to the Safe Room, so the genet wouldn't be able to try to put him in Kurda's arms again, and so that Kurda wouldn't be able to hit either of them.
"Ahem, anyway," said a blushing Kel, glaring at a giggling Cole. "We have some late fanmail-"
"I dought you veren't goink to accept dat stuff!" objected Kurda.
"Shut up, princess!" snapped Plugg, who was eager for some more votes so either they would tie or he would win.
"I wasn't," explained Kel, "but the reviewer was hindered by technical difficulties and didn't realize it until it was too late. Hence why I'm accepting it."
"Well who's it from?" Plugg eagerly asked.
"This next one is from icefox425."
I must correct you in the statement that Sagax is not a Bloodwrath badger, it says here on page 360 at the Brockhall Battle that "Sagax's eyes shone red in the gloom- he was possesed of the dreaded Bloodwrath, inherent to great Badger Lords of Salamandastron." There you go, I proved you guys wrong.
Kurda shrugged. "Yarr, mine mistake."
"And yer th' one wi' th' book there!" Plugg snorted.
The Pure Ferret stuck her tongue out at him.
I must say this now, Kurda is a snooty-nosed, lily-livered, cringin', crawlin', gutless, spineless coward! Now she has been called that twice (see page 320 in Triss). But, I guess if I had to choose my favorite villianess, I would choose her. I mostly hate her because she hates Plugg so much. I am a Fangirl of him, after all. If they decided to become friends, I guess I would be quick friends with her. Maybe if she got to have a real fight with some random hero and win, she would seem less cowardly to me. But now, she is a coward in my eyes.
Kurda was surprised by icefox's statement, but she merely crossed her legs and leaned back in her chair. "Yarr, me become friends vit Plugg?"
The Freebooter nodded in agreement. "Aye, I 'ear yah there!"
"But I do vonder who I could fight to show dat I am not a coward?" the Pure Ferret wonderd.
Plugg shrugged. "How 'bout tha' one pretty talkin' rabbit? Tis a shame I never got t-"
Just then, Scarum came bounding in, about to say something, when-
SMACK!
He went flying back out of the room, having been slapped really hard by Kurda.
Plugg arched his eyebrows at the ferret princess as she sat back down with a satisfied smirk on her face.
"Er, yes, anyway. . . ." said Kel. "Next fanmail is from Much Ado About Nonny."
I heartily disagree with the assertion that Triss is a Mary Sue. Sorry, Kurda, but really, it's not true.
"YARR IT IS TRUE!" SCREECHED KURDA.
"SHUT UP!" SHOUTED TRISS FROM OUTSIDE THE ROOM, HAVING RETURNED FROM WHEREVER KEL HAD SENT HER. "I WANNA HEAR THIS!"
The fact is, Triss had to watch Kurda practice with her sword duels every day, so she at least learned what good fighting technique *looked* like. Maybe, one day, Kurda decided she wanted a little more competition than defenseless turnips and herrings, so she threw Triss a sword. Kurda would have defeated the squirrelmaid, but Drufo would have watched as well...and, when nobeast was listening, he could have given her little tidbits of advice, like "you weren't holding it right" or "keep your left footpaw back a bit more." Triss might have found a little time to practice by stealing the princess's swords when nobeast is looking, and the rest is history.
"Well, is that true?" Plugg demanded. "Did yew throw 'er a sword?"
"I don't know," Kurda stated with dignity. "Brian Jacques never wrote about dat."
Plus that, whoever bears Martin's sword always picks things up a bit faster. Look at Matthias! He had even less opportunity for sword practice than Triss! My theory is that Martin's spirit is guiding these creatures through the movements at first, until they get the hang of it. Has anybody seen Angels in the Outfield? That concept, right there. Triss isn't getting any special treatment at all...it happens to all of Redwall's Warriors when they are inexperienced, like Samkim, Dandin *sigh*, and Matthias.
So, in conclusion, Triss is *not* a Mary Sue. I mean, come on...she didn't even get to kill her enemy! What kind of Mary Sue is that? And yes, I like both Triss and Kurda, even though (or perhaps because) they don't like each other.
"There," said Kel. "I just wanted to make sure that was said in here."
(Kurda snorted; Triss beamed - and was promptly teleported away again, only to a much nicer place with all her best friends, including Scarum, who was sporting a swollen cheek from Kurda' slap.)
Cole's ears perked up about what the late mailer was saying. He disagreed on Triss learning about swordplay just by watching. No. Swordplay was not completely learned just by watching. Though he did find himself wondering about the so-called mighty Martin The Warrior's sword. "Interesting. So you claim that Martin's sword may allow anybeast, even ones as incompetent as Triss to effectively wield a sword as if she were a true swordsbeast? Strange . . . though not ridiculous. There are plenty of 'magic' swords in the world I and every other beast used to live in. . . ."
Kel shook his head. "No, no, Martin's sword isn't magic... or is it? I don't think Brian Jacques ever explained it clearly enough . . . though you're right, whoever is Martin's Chosen One seems to automatically know how to weild a sword - ALTHOUGH, to argue Matthias's case:
"He was already strong, quick, and agile, it stated that pretty much near the beginning of the book; he was only clumsy because his sandals were too big. But he accomplished many feats that showed him capable of swordfighting, and he was a natural at fighting with a staff, so I guess that's why people find it easier to see him as a swordfighter than Triss, who always seemed so much more nuturing than the typical warriormaid. I never really saw much fire or rage or sparky wit from Triss, not like with Mariel, Grath, Cregga, or Dotti. It always seemed like it was Shogg who was the tough leader of the group, and not Triss.
"Also, as for Samkim, he was a bowbeast, and you need a lot of upper-body strength to do that, and he actually did practice with the sword (somewhat) on his journey before reaching Salamandastron.
"And Dandin, well, he was already sturdily built and it seemed like he was always looking for something to fight with (but I'm just guessing).
"Hm, with that in mind, maybe Triss did take some of Kurda's swords to practice with."
"Yarr, but vould I allow a slave to steal mine swords like dat?!" demanded Kurda.
"You allowed 'er t' steal food supplies an' wot they needed fer a boat," Plugg pointed out.
"Shut up!" snapped Kurda.
"ANYway," said Kel. "There's a bit more to Nonny's email."
Sorry I didn't technically vote for the fighting contest...though you're right, I would have voted for Kurda. Plugg having more experience with moving targets? What creature moves faster than a falling turnip, I ask you? Not many.
"Yarr, dat's right!" Kurda shouted, her previous indignation with Nonny evaporating.
Plugg was about to spit at her, but Kel interrupted.
"Now, now, none of that now! Alright, here's the last fanmail, which is from Adder of the Pit, who, due to unfortunate circumstances, was unable to email untill now, which is why I decided to make time for all this new stuff.
"And I might as well come out and say that she voted for you, Plugg."
"YES!" the Freebooter screamed. "WE TIED! WE TIED!" The fox turned on Kurda, who was fuming. "HAH! That means tha' now you have to be punished too!"
"Actually, no."
Plugg stopped, and both he and Kurda stared at the intercom's direction. "Wot?"
"Just because it was late, her vote, sadly, will not count."
"WOT?!" screeched Plugg.
"Wow," Cole muttered to himself, grinning. "And I thought I liked shooting down birds..." Meaning the genet liked knocking other creatures down in their moment of happiness.
Kurda doubled up in triumphant (and relieved) laughter.
"But, but, WHY NOT?!"
"Because I said that I wouldn't accept late fanmail, but seeing is as how I am, I decided to partly follow my own rule by not having Adder's vote count."
"But . . . but-! THAT'S NOT FAIR! WOT'S THE DEAL, KEL?!"
"Well I am trying to get on Kurda's good side," the male ferret explained softly.
Kurda smiled at the intercom. "Vell, in dat case, maybe I vill reconsider Cole's suggestion."
Kel blushed and grinned. So did Cole (minus the blush; he said he'd fix things up between those two!).
Plugg also turned red, but with rage - and he also turned a little green around the edges.
"But anyway," said Kelaiah, "let's get on with the fanmail Adder gave us, eh? And don't pout, Plugg. You'll enjoy reading it."
After looking over the questions on their computer screens, the Freebooter lifted his head.
"Why is she imatatin' our accents?" Plugg wanted to know.
"I dunno," was all Kel would say.
Kurda: Vot vould you haff done if you had captured dem shlaves, eh? Shlayed them? Nein, nein, you vould haff tortured dem long mitt your sabre und fed vot vas left to der fishes, vouldn't you?
"Dat iss right," the Pure Ferret princess replied (not sure if she should be insulted by Adder's immatation of her accent, but then figured that since she was also doing Plugg's, she shouldn't be). "Only I vould haff kept der squirrel alive to make an example of before der other shlaves! Yarr!"
Also, you do realize dat you are der shpawn of Hitler, yarr? Because you are. (By de way, dat is not a compliment. Go und jump off a bridge, will you?)
"I AM NOT DER SHPAWN OF HITLER, YOU BIG FAT RAT!" KURDA SCREECHED, STANDING UP AND WAVING HER ARMS ABOUT.
Plugg cackled, clapping his paws and stamping his seabooted feet.
"YOU SHTUPID, SHTUPID, GREASY FOOL OF A-"
"Now, Kurda," Kel warned. "You better watch out, or she'll force you to appear on her show The Insanities all just to have a bad time."
That made the Pure Ferret close her mouth with a snap.
Cole grinned at the albino ferret. "Oh come on, Kurda. You bossed rats around all the time and you're gonna let a rat who's probably lived the life of a woodlander or highwaybeast get to you?"
Kurda's pink eyes lit up - but before she could say anything, Kel interrupted:
"Cole, Kenzie might add you to her show as well."
Just then one of Cole's hordebeasts (who now served the genet and Kel as a staff member) popped his head into The Safe Room and laughed, saying "He's already living hell for you to have on this show! Do you really imagine any other beast stupid enough to add him to their own shows?!"
"Well. . . ." was the only response Kel could come up with, as he was interrupted by Cole, who shouted at the ex-hordebeast, "YOU'RE FIRED!"
"Fine!" the brazen creature snapped, exiting The Safe Room and slamming the door behind him. But even through a closed door his angry mutterings could be heard.
After a few moments of slightly tense silence, a giggling Plugg turned to Kurda and said, "Well? Why aren't yew jumpin' off a bridge, missy?"
"SHUT UP! OOOOHHH, I HOPE KEL'S PUNISHMENT IS PLENTY GOOD, YOU SHTUPID, SHTINKY, SHLIMEY, SHLOBBERY SHAILER-FOX!"
Plugg was very taken aback by the princess's insults, but eventually found them rather amusing. "Welp, 'ow 'bout we sees wot she's got fer me, eh?"
Plugg: Wot 'air care products would yew recommend fer a nice liddle shine like on yore tail, Cap'n? I wuz thinkin' L'Oreal, 'cos yer worth it. (Is totally NOT flirting, especially when the book describes him as ugly right out)
"Hey! I resent bein' called ugly!"
"But der book said you were-"
"Where?!" the insulted fox demanded.
Once again Kurda whipped out her paperback version of Triss, smirking. "Page two-hundred und eighty-five, paragraph seven: 'The Freebooter's ugly face squinched up in horror.'"
"Wot?! Lemme see that!" He snatched the book away, his eyes scanning the pages. After reading it, however, he tossed it back with a snort.
"Of course it could mean that you were only 'ugly' because you were unscrubbed," suggested Kelaiah.
Cole started snickering uncontrollably.
"But anyway," said Kel, ignoring him. "Plugg? Would you mind answering Adder's question?"
"Sure, sure," the fox grumbled. "Well, miz Adder, the fact is, I don' use . . . L'Oreal or wotever yew's calls it. I uses soapwort an' almond oil. Best shampoo there is! Gave me tail a nice, lustrous glow!"
"And then you had one of your followers follow you around with a lantern to set your tail off," recalled Kel. "Wouldn't that be a fire hazard, though?"
"Well clearly it wasn't," snapped Plugg. "Otherwise I'd 'ave burnt me tail off already!"
Kurda laughed.
"Shut up!"
"Vell, anyway," said Kurda, mimicking Kel's trademark interruption without realizing it, "Vhen is Plugg goink to be punished, eh? You said in dis chapter he vos-"
"He is," assured Kel. "And by the way, I'd like to say thank you to Adder for setting up the mood for our dear Plugg's punishment."
Meanwhile, in a random woodland cottage, a sleep-over involving five vermin-dibbuns (consisting of two weasels, two stoats, and one ferret) was taking place. They were all in the bedroom, standing in front of the large mirror that was installed there on top a dresser.
An impatient stoat-dibbun tapped his foot and shook his head. "Dis is stoopid! You c'n not summon th' ghost of anybeast jus' by sayin' their names or titles three times!"
A bigger weasel-dibbun smacked the stoat in the back of his head. "Shuttup! Wot d'you even know? You never did it, yew loser!"
The stoat yelled back angrily, "I AM NOT A-"
A weasel dibbun-maid interrupted them. "Will you both stuff it!? He's about t'do it!"
The beast doing it was the lone ferret, who was only a little older then the others. He stood in front of the mirror, ready to do the ritual which was believed to be a myth. He paused. . . . Only to turn to the others and say, "Who th' hell should I call for?"
The female weasel whispered loudly, "Cluny!"
The male weasel whispered his own answer even louder: "No! Ferahgo!"
A stoatmaid hissed, "No no no! Yew wanna summon Verdauga Greeneyes!"
"Shut up!" the male weasel snarled.
"Yew shut up!" the stoatmaid yelled.
"Alright, alright, enough!" the ferret cried out. When everybeast calmed down, the ferret continued. "Salter, wot name should I say?"
Unfortunately, Salter was the male stoat who didn't believe it would work. He shook his head and snorted. "It's stoopid! It'll never work!"The ferret spoke in a whining tone. "Please, buddy? If anybeast knows warlords well, it's you."
The stoat stood quietly a few moments before finally (after listening to the whines and moans of his friends) giving in. "Summon Cole of the Shadows."
The ferret blinked, slightly confused. "Who's he?"
Salter shrugged slightly. "Nothing much is known 'bout him. Hellgates, even his attack on Mossflower is hard t'explain from start t'finish, cuz his forces were said to 'ave come out of th' blue. Though I did hear a rumor about wot 'e looked like when 'e was finally killed. Looked like the result of a cat, some ringtailed creature, and a ferret. In short, he looked like a freak, like those wearet creatures. Now THAT would be something to see. That is IF you ever summon something like him, which I doubt you will, cuz this entire thing is STUPID!"
This resulted in masses of moaning and complaining about Salter. The ferret quieted them and finally stood in front of the mirror. "Ok. . . . Lets do this. . . . Cole of the Shadows . . . Cole of the Shadows. . . ."
Salter groaned and sighed. "COME ON! Just GET ON with it!"
"Alright, alright!" the ferret said. He stood there, staring at the mirror, wondering if he should really do this, and what be the consequences would be if he did.
Finally, he said the title a third time. "Cole of the Shadows!"
Cole started laughing evilly when he thought he was about to witness Plugg's punishment . . . but suddenly, his voice faded out and disappeared.
On the intercom, Kel's voice could be heard, "Cole? Cole? HEY! Where'd he go?!"
"Eh?" said both Pure Ferret and Freebooter, not being able to see into The Safe Room. "What's going on?"
"It's Cole," explained Kel. "He just . . . disappeared! Right before my eyes!"
Back at the cottage, all the vermin dibbuns suddenly heard what was unmistakably laughter.
It was Cole himself, popping out of nowhere, without a single piece of evidence that he was there before they heard that laugh. The genet was still laughing about what was to be Plugg's punishment when he had suddenly disappeared from Kelaiah's show, and appeared back into the living world . . . in some ferret-child's bedroom.
Most of the runts were now wide-eyed with shock. Salter and the ferret were the most shocked of all; their jaws were literally hanging open. All of the dibbuns stood silently as the genet finally finished his evil cackle.
And when the genet finally stopped laughing, he suddenly noticed he was not in Kel's Safe Room anymore. Fate (as he liked to call it) had once again brought something bad for him! He was stuck in some brat's room again!
Oh yes. This was NOT the first time anybeast had done this to him. It happened every month! It happened to other deadbeasts too, but unfortunately, it happened the most to Cole. It was probably due to being so mysterious and unique when he was still alive.
Currently the genet was not too happy. He now had his arms crossed and was looking down at the vermin brats with a cheesed look on his face, breathing very heavily with rage and irritation.
Now naturally, every one of these vermin dibbuns had been in some sort of trouble before, so they knew exactly what to do next:
They all screamed (except for the ferret; and it might be noted that Salter was loudest of them all) and were soon running each other over to get out of the house and away from the (apparently ghost) genet.
"Wot d'you mean 'e just disappeared?" Plugg demanded, still stalling for time.
"Never mind," said Kel. "We've stalled long enough on Plugg's punishment, so let's get to it!"
And with that, before another word could be said, Plugg's chair went sliding across the room, carrying the fox corsair with it.
"ARRG! Hey! Wot's goin'-?!"
The fox's outcry was cut off as the chair jerked forward, throwing Plugg off of it and onto the floor with a bang. A screen suddenly appeared in front of the fallen fox, blocking Kurda's view of him.
"AARRRGGGG! Hey! Leggo! Wot're y- NO!"
Kurda, watching the whole thing wide-eyed, saw the Freebooter's coat, boots, and other clothes come flying out from behind the screen and get sucked into a laundry shoot.
"AAAUUUUGGGGHHHH-!" SPLASH!
The screen moved away, revealing a large wooden tub overflowing with soap suds, a great deal of which were covering Plugg, making him look like a snow-covered mountain with two eyes sticking out.
Suddenly, several little scrub brushes and soapwort bars and wash rags began flying around the fox, mercilessly scrubbing every bit of dirt, scum, grease, or what have you out of his pelt.
AAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! NO! NOT A BATH! ANYTHIN' BUT A BATH! NOOOOOOO!!"
Kurda, in the meanwhile, began do an impression of what Plugg had done when Adder called her the spawn of Hitler: cackling wildly, clapping her paws and stamping her footpaws.
Plugg tried several times to climb out of the tub, but some unseen force seemed to hold him inside, dunking his head under the water every time he tried to escape - or whenever he needed to get the suds washed off.
At one point, Kurda saw Plugg's sopping muzzle spout out a stream of water like a fountain; oh, she wished she had a camera - and immediately, she did! And luckily, Plugg's muzzle came out again and shot out some more water in a fountain-like fashion, which she managed to get a shot of.
"T'ank you, Kel!" the Pure Ferret said to the intercom, fluttering her eyelashes at it (making Kel grin and blush).
"You know?" Cole said in a manner that wasn't a question. "I am getting so SICK of having to go through this every month! Sometimes you little brats do it at all times, when I'm asleep, at meetings, working at my job, even when I'm doing nothing at all! Vulpuz of a Gates! Don't ANY of you children," he added, saying the last word in disgust and mockery, "have anything better to do than doing this STUPID ritual over and over and OVER AGAIN!?"
"Uhhhhhh....." said the ferret that Cole had managed to corner. He tried to think of a reply to give to the weird-looking (and dangerous-looking) creature before him without shaking so hard.
"Nevermind," the genet said impatiently. He pointed a sharp claw at the trembling dibbun. "You! Are gonna send me back."
"How am I gonna do that!?" the ferret squeaked.
"If you knew how to bring me here then you know damn well how to send me back, you little brat!"
"But-"
"NOW!!"
"Fine. . . ." The ferret-dibbun sighed hopelessly and turned back towards the mirror. After a moment or two, however, he turned to Cole and asked, "What am I supposed to do?"
"DEAR GATES!" the genet yelled, smacking his paw on his forehead. "In order to send a summoned spirit back to whence it came," he explained through gritted teeth, "you must say the said spirit's title three times backwards!"
"Oh. Okay!" the little ferret said cheerfully and went back to the mirror. ". . . Um. . . . How do you say 'shadows' backwards?"
"YOU DO THIS STUPID RITUAL TO SUMMON ME AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS SAY SHADOWS BACKWARDS!? OH MY GATES!!!"
After awhile it wasn't just scrub brushes attacking Plugg; a flexible-looking toothbrush with a sizable tube of toothpaste came out of nowhere, and began scrubbing at the fox's teeth, muffling his protesting cries of agony. Also, a box filled with floss appeared and joined the toothbrush in the battle against Plugg's mouth.
Several times a faucet would come out of the wall and fill up the tub with fresh water while the gritty old water would drain out; and every time this happened, the invisible force holding Plugg captive would force him under the faucet and scrub even more suds all over him.
Ugh, Mariel's right! thought Plugg. This is worse'n gettin' drowned at sea!
Just then several large bottles appeared above the fox, and emptied their contents all over him. Plugg was surprised to find that it was almond oil, but he had little time to ponder this as more and more and still more suds covered him, the brushes, soapwort bars, and cloths rubbing all dirt and grime vigorously from his body.
Finally, the screen from earlier appeared in front of the tub, which disappeared as soon as Plugg was hidden from Kurda's view. A large towel suddenly wound itself around the fox, almost causing him to pass out from lack of air. Afterwards it began roughly drying him, while some more brushes came out, only these ones were for combing fur.
"Ah! Ooh! Eee! Augh! Ooo! AH! Get offa me! Get offa me!"
Just then Plugg's clothes, which had also been washed and mended, came back out of the laundry shoot and landed themselves right on their owner's newly cleansed form.
"Presentinnngggg," said Kel over the intercom, "the new and improved Plugg Firetail!"
The screen moved to the side.
"Improved?!" the fox shouted indignantly - but then, after getting a look at himself. . . .
As for Kurda, she was . . . well, stunned.
Before, Plugg's fur had been filthy, greasy, wild, unkempt, and there had been a rather odious scent about him. And his coat, it had only been a moldy piece of ruined green velvet, hardly anything to be proud of (in Kurda's opinion). But now. . . .
The fox's fur was now soft, smooth, shiny, fluffed out in all the right places, and a beautiful silvery color. Gone was the odious stench, and as for his coat, it had been repaired into a fine article of emerald-colored clothing, fitted to his strong build perfectly. Even his tail seemed glossier now, the same goldy-red as a sunset; it was, like Grubbage had put it, as 'pretty as a summer morn covered wid roses'.
In short, Plugg Firetail had gone from a 'shtinky, dirty corsair' to a handsome, suave, buccaneering beast!
And Kurda suddenly found herself quite willing to forgive (most) of his past shortcomings.
"Vhy Plugg," the princess purred. "You look vonderful. . . ."
Immediately the Freebooter captain knew what she was about, and quickly backed away, his eyes widening with horror.
"Now now now, Kurda, Kurda! Stay away from me, this is me, Plugg, remember? Yore ole uncle Plugg? The one you hate?"
"I forgive you," the Pure Ferret drawled, coming towards him.
"NO! No, yew can't forgive me! NO! No, keep away from me! Kel! KEL! Cole! 'Elp me! 'ELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
The fox threw himself agains the nearest wall, trying to climb up it-
-only his ankles were then seized in a vice-like grip and pulled sharply out from under him.
"Oof!"
"Come on, hunk. You're MINE," grinned Kurda, dragging the Freebooter out of the archway that just appeared.
"NO! Nooooooo! Nononononononononon nooo! NOOOOOOOOOO! AAAARRRRRGGGGGGGG!!"
Plugg's claws left long markings in the floor as he was dragged down the hallway, his pitiful screams receding into nothing, much like how he had been carried off by the three serpents.
Finally, a certain genet popped right back into the Safe Room. "Whew! Sorry there, guys! Got sucked into another brat's room again! Sorry it took me so long, mates, it took that ferret-brat a real long time to say 'shadows' backwards!"
Just then the genet took a look a the screen, realizing that the fanmail-answering-room was empty! "Ahhh, hellgates! You mean you went on with the punishment without me?! Kelly, how could-"
Cole stopped, finally taking a look at the ferret.
Kel's face had a look of rage, indignation and . . . jealousy.
"Kel?"
"HE STOLE MY DATE!"
A/N: Welp, that's just about it, people. Hope you all enjoyed it. :) Oh yeah, I said I'd reveal the next duo in this chapter, didn't I?
Well, this is the next duo: Veil and Sunflash. :) Hope you all like. :)
God bless!
~Kel :)
P.S. Give credit to Much Ado About Nonny for inspiring me to do the "Loathing" performance; if it wasn't for her, I probably never would've found out about the songs from Wicked. :D Thanks, mate! :D