I used to say I would gladly get rid of my emotions, that way I don't have to deal with them. My emotions, along with my inablility to feel pain, are why I get hurt so often.

I'll never say that again.

Just a few conversations with Lukas, and I couldn't stand the thought of never having emotions. He can't feel love, can't experience the happiness of holding someone's hand or being embraced by someone close to your heart. He can't cry, even when he watched his fathers being buried and was told he was going to be orphaned. He couldn't feel the absence of his fathers hand tucking him in, or the warmth of their voices. They are just a vauge image in his mind of something he can't quite understand.

I watched him cry without sadness, tears streaking his face without expression and falling lightly against his lap without meaning. He told me his story, and wiped his tears like it was nothing.

"It happens" he told me, "like a ghost of emotion that never quite gets to where it needs to be." The doctors couldn't understand it. He'd never had any brain damage, nor any trauma in his life significant enough to cause such a rare disorder. He just one day stopped feeling, small at first but then gradually getting worse untill he couldn't even smile without forcing it. He can't feel warmth or cold unless it's extreme. The doctors tested him for various diseases and possible causes of this strange condition, but found nothing.

"At first they thought I was just secluded within my own conciousness" he said, pulling his legs up to set his chin on the top, "but then they scanned my brain and asked me all sorts of things. They said that over a months time, an entire section of my brain slowly just shut down completely. They said my birth mother had the same condition."

He asked me questions about happiness, love, anger and sadness and I tried hard to explain it without using emotions as answers. I tried relaying the medical definitions to him, and I guess he either got it or just gave up because he stopped asking and climbed back onto his bunk. He hummed and the firmilliar noise of his ags against the wood banister picked up again. He's carving faces I found out, Nina even lets him carve figures and such into large planks of wood with her pocket knife when they go out into the garden.

Nina spends a lot of time around Lukas because of his condition. He's a cutter, says that since pain is all he can feel it let's him pretend. He's also confessed that blood facinates him, and it's his favorite color. I made a mental note to be careful having Lukas around Gil, less he tries to explain his facination to Gil and he ends up passing out on me again.

We're two sides of the same coin, wishing that the flip could change us forever. He uses physical pain to pretend, and I use emotions. I can't help but wonder some of the things he must go through, but I find it easier to remind myself that he wouldn't be bothered by it anyways.

The scars along his arms are words.

Anger, sadness, happiness, warmth, hatred, belonging, worthiness, love.

Each one carved with such percision, that it looks like scrawl on a peach-colored sheet of paper. He asked about my scars, my family, my emotions and what love feels like. The bad thing about Lukas is that he doesn't know how to hold back on certain subjects, he's like a computer searching for data. It doesn't really bother me though, he doesn't like to stare at me while I talk or interrupt to probe for more info. He's just a curious kid like any other, but he's curious about an unknown that will remain just that for the rest of his life.

There's sometimes that I have to remind myself of his condition though. He's studied people so well and sometimes I can almost see an emotion ghost over his features. A smile when Eva tugs on Gil's hair, pressing his knees to his chest almost sadly when he talks about his "mama," I've even heard him laugh, even though it sounds kind of strained. He seems so normal on the outside, but when it's just him and I, I don't have to remind myself anymore.

Gil's seen it too, although he hasn't heard all of Lukas's story like I have. Lately, Gil and I have sort of drifted apart, though not enough to really make a difference. I've been hanging out with Lukas, trying to help him, and Gil's been helping Antonio with his sibblings because Eva got sick. The poor thing lays down for a nap and you can hear her nasal snore from down the hall, she cries herself awake sometimes.

Tonight, though, Gil and I are taking a step back from everything and we're gonna head to the fields.

The fields are the plot of land between the front doors and the fence, although you can hardly call it a field. The whole section is absolutely covered in trees and shrubs, wrapping around the side of the house and stopping just before the back of the house where the garden is.

We chased one another as silently as possible amongst the trees and shrubs, pretending we were running through a vast streach of woods that would bring us to the end of the world, a place where we could be free. It was hours before we collapsed side by side in the soft earth between two bushes housing blueberries. we layed for a while, holding hands and giving little wheese like breaths so we wouldn't burst out in laughter where we could possibly be caught.

"Hey Mattie?" Gil whispered, rolling on his side to prop himself up on his elbow.

"Hmm?" I reached up and brushed the tips of my fingers against his pale skin, my heart fluttering in my fingertips.

"Do you ever wish that you were diffrent? Like that you could feel pain?" He smoothes his fingers up and down my arm, lost in his thoughts.

"Yea, I wish I could be normal. I feel kinda blessed and cursed at the same time, I couldn't have helped a bunch a people if I knew it would have hurt."

"Like what?" he rolled on his stomach, pressing himself against me with his ear to my chest.

"Like the day you fought Ivan. I knew you were pissed, but I ignored it cause I knew it'd be better that you'd hit me instead of him. His sisters depend on him just to wake up and breathe since their parents died. I saved Ivan from this big guy, Mathais, once too. The guy fought him just cause Ivan is kinda built for his age, so I decked the guy in the jaw and he broke my arm. Didn't feel it."

"Damn" Gil breathed, his fingers tracing lines in my shirt like he's trying to draw, "I would have just let the fight go."

"You don't know, no one ever does." I take a deep breath and looke up at the canopy of treetops.

"I didn't know, that his sisters were so dependent I mean. Now that I think about it, I think I heard the little one crying, what's her name?" His voice sounded groggy and I frowned. From this angle, I can see the deep bags that have settled under his eyes and when he moves his arm up, I can see them twitch painfully and a white gause poke from under his sleeve.

"Natalia." I bit my lip, laying my hand ontop of his wrist and feeling the bulge of wrap underneath it, "Gil.."

"No that's my name silly" he laughed, but it seemed more like a choked cry.

"Gil, are you alright? Haven't you been sleeping? Your arm.." I trailed off, the rest catching in my throat and burning my eyes. His body shook, wether from cold or something else I don't know.

"I'm sorry Mattie, I know I promised but-" He took a shakey breath, "I'm sorry. Everytime I close my eyes, I'm back in that house or I'm back in the hospital screaming for Ludi. It hurts, I feel so heavy." It shocks me to see that he isn't crying, but his hands are gripping my shirt so hard that I can hear the fabric streach and begin to tear.

"I feel safe when I'm around you, like everything will eventually fall back together and the peices will fit. I feel like I don't have to hide anymore." I manage to pull his fingers from my shirt and thread our fingers together.

"I love you Mattie, I love you so much." He's crying now, "I'm such a mess, I can't stop. The pain brings me back, tells me I'm alive and I can feel again."

"Gil" my voice cracks and I try again, "Gil, I love you to. I'm worried about you, I want to help you fit the peices back together, but it's gonna take time."

He squeeses my hand tighter and I can hear bones creaking under the pressure, "I know" he's so strong physically. I guess I'll have to be strong for the both of us.

Gil cries silently into my shirt for a little while and eventually works up a smile to give me. He kisses me, his lips are chapped and swollen but I could care less right now. His arms wrap around my neck and mine hug his waist, my pinky hooked in the back belt loop of his jeans. He's so warm, almost feverish against me, and his fingers press against my scalp, sending prickles down my spine.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

When Gil's watch beeps, it takes us a few seconds to pull apart and then we're sticking to the shadows, dodging around trees as we sprint to the back door to make our slip back inside. We sneak one more quick kiss before parting ways down the halls, my steps light. I make a mental note to sneak into his room and find whatever he's cutting with so I can get rid of it as I sneak back into my room. Lukas is up, carving an intricate swirl pattern into an old pencil.

"You with Gil?" he mouths and I raise a brow in return, he points down and I mutter up a system of curses at my -er- visiter. I slip under the covers and Lukas hands me the pencil, the swirls come together into MATT, the nickname he calls me by.

"Now you can draw me something"

Today, chores are simple. Laundry.

All of us are assigned a washing machine and dryer number and told when we are allowed to head to the washroom to get our laundry done. Between me, Francis, Lukas, Feli and Romano, we have 4 hampers full of clothes to wash so we'll be given two washers and two dryers. Our washers are industrial and can hold almost three hampers, but the dryers can only hold about half that the washer can (that is, if you want your clothes dried before christmas next year).

We won't be able to start untill after lunch, so we make sure to gather all our stuff and then sit in a twisted circle on the floor with Antonio and his siblings as well as Gil and Ludi. I sit next to Gil with my back propped against the bed and my sketchbook propped on my knee, a mirrored image of Feli who sits across from me.

I start with a skeletal structure and start smoothing in curves untill I have the basic outline of a person. With a few flicks of the wrist, there's hair on the head and I sketch in clothes, eyes, mouth and nose. Last comes the little silver cross pin and a set of dogtags, Lukas. He's sitting on the windowsill, legs drawn up to rest his chin and a little bird is perched on his shoulder like it's whispering to him. A faint smile played across his lips, and his hollow eyes stare down through the glass.

I hear Gil's breathing beside me as I tear out the image and hand it to Lukas and I lean my head against Gil's shoulder.

"Hey Gil! If ya want yer clothes done theres a washer open!" A guy hollered through our door, making me jump out of my own skin.

"Don't mind him, he's one of our new roommates" Gil laughed, getting up and dusting off his pants, "It seems like theres a new orphan here every day, I wonder why so many."

"They're probably transferrs from another home that was getting too crouded" Lukas said, "That's what happened to me, they wouldn't even let me come here with my brother. He had to stay there." Francis frowned and walked over to him, wrapping him in a hug. I guess he's back in big-brother-mode. Its funny some of the things Francis will do to comfort people, even when he knows he doesn't have to. I can't count how may times he would lay next to me and talk about nothing when I'd come home from one of my hospital trips untill I could fall asleep. That was back when I could fall asleep.

Lukas gave a smile, one that he's been practicing on with my help. It doesn't look so forced, and he says it almost feels natural to him, like he can actually smile. I try my best to give him as much as possible with the help of our family. Eva sure does help, always clinging to his hip so he can teach her to walk. She even takes naps curled up around him whenever Gil is either busy or curled up around me. Vash doesn't even seem to notice us, or maybe he just doesn't care anymore. He's rarely even at the orphanage anymore, leaving almost everything for Lilly and Nina. I'm happy, but I'm also pissed off. Francis and Antonio had to hide and ended up being beaten for loving each other, along with so many others, and suddenly he just doesn't give a fuck? Not that I want him to bust down our door and beat us with our sibblings, I just think it's unfair.

Sad is the life of a rose, I assume.

I've been taking a few lessons from Feli on drawing lately. I'm still not as good as he is, but practice makes perfect. I've even drawn a rose for the first time, although it was horribly done. He scolds me everytime I try to mimic his strokes, telling me I have to find my own style. It's funny trying to picture him actually getting angry, he's always so hyper and nice to everyone.

I kinda miss it. We'll get to that later though.

Life keeps moving on. We creep further towards birthdays, holidays and eventually death. The clock still ticks in the hallways, the chatter and snores still echo off the walls, I still find myself wraped in the arms of the one I love.

Tick tick tick tick tick.

OK so I kinda stirred out to no where because Ive been waaaay overthinking this chapter for a few weeks and I want to start on the next one.

Sorry if it was crapily written, I may go through one of these days and completely rewrite a couple of the chapters. I'm not sure, but I know I'm gonna try and finish the story first.

So how is it so far?

Please R&R my lovelys, the feedback makes my day :)

~Yulie