BLU Barracks
"Alright boyos," Demoman slurred. "This round's on me!" With a hearty laugh and the clinking of glasses, the BLUs celebrated yet another victory against the REDs. Once that Freak Sniper lured Stu Pidface away, the REDs had fallen into disarray, which led to their eventual downfall and the BLUs conquest of Dustbowl. Now was the time to relax after a hard fought battle. They arrived back to their barracks, oddly enough to find the door unlocked.
"The door's unlocked." Scout obviously pointed out. "That's not a good sign, ain't it?" Sniper motioned for the others to be quiet, while he pulled out his SMG. Slowly creeping up the door, Sniper silently pressed the barrel of his gun onto the door. Peeking his head in, he saw the room nearly empty, save for a familiar masked face.
"It's just Spy." Sniper whispered. Afterwards, the Australian assassin felt someone tap his shoulder. He turned and saw that their Spy was standing right next to them.
"I think not." Spy stated. Upon second glance, Sniper noticed that the BLU Spy in the room was wearing a bright yellow fisherman's cap and was happily whistling a chipper tune. The Spy inside the room stopped his whistling, and, with a bright smile, turned and waved at the door.
"Hello there, gentlemen!" The Spy gleefully said. "Come in, I bring good news." Reluctantly, the mercs one by one walked into the room and sat at the table where the BLU Spy was sitting.
"You… you're one of those Freaks, ain't ya?" Scout accused, shakily pointing a finger at him.
"I'm afraid so." The Spy said. "Polite Spy, Freak #8262011," He stood up, and preformed a formal bow. "At your service." The mercs were confused. This guy clearly stated he was a Freak, but unlike Painis Cupcake, Christian Brutal Sniper, or even Magic Mann, he didn't seem openly hostile.
"So… what brings you here?" Medic asked, as if to open to small talk.
"Oh, I had forgotten." Polite Spy said, rubbing the back of his head. "Pardon me, gentlemen." Polite Spy reached underneath his chair and pulled out a wicker basket. Opening the basket, the unusually polite Frenchman pulled out nine sandwiches and a case of alcohol, sitting the contents on the table. Following that, Engineer's desire for correct knowledge kicked in.
"How did y'all do that?" Engineer demanded, pointing at the basket. "The contents of that basket based on dimension and volume alone can't fit nine sandwiches and an entire case of alcohol! That ain't possible."
"Engie laddie, we just dealt with a nigh invincible cannibalistic Soldier, a reality-bending Heavy, an Elf Scout wizard, crab-like Spies, and a homicidal Sniper with a seemingly endless collection of melee weapons." Demoman said, clutching three bottles of Polite Spy's alcohol. "No need to prod about things being bigger on the inside."
"Your mom's bigger on the inside." Scout snidely remarked. All that got was a brief backhand courtesy of the black Scottish cyclopes.
"You snide little twit." Demoman growled, before turning back to Polite Spy. "You still didn't answer Medic's question. Why are you here?" Polite Spy cleared his throat, stood up, and folded his arms behind his back.
"On behalf of the recent events of the Freak Fights and Containment Breaches," Polite Spy said, almost as if reciting it. "Mr. Blutarch Mann has commissioned that a non-hostile Freak be sent to the BLU Barracks to act as caretaker and assistant. The Administrator has graciously chosen me to be the designate Freak." A snicker escaped a few of the mercenaries' mouths, silently laughing at the thought of someone actually praising the cruel and heartless voice in the speakers.
"So… you do what?" Heavy asked.
"Anything, if that is alright with you, monsieur." Polite held up another sandwich for Heavy. "Care for another?"
"YES!" Heavy greedily swiped the sandwich and stuffed it in one go. Although his sandwiches were legendary, the ones that 'tiny good Spy Freak' made were beyond delicious. Soldier tilted his helmet upward, eyeballing Polite Spy with suspicion.
"How do we know you aren't like any other of those sneaky backstabbers, even if you are a Freak?" Soldier accused, but then turned to Spy. "No offense, Spy."
"None taken," Spy responded. "But Soldier is right, can we trust you to not try and kill us?" Polite Spy smiled, stood up from his chair, placed his right hand on his left heart, and held his left hand up.
"I hereby promise to not harm any of the mercenaries, even at the cost of my own life." After concluding his mantra, Polite Spy sat down in his chair and adjusted his hat.
"A promise doesn't mean much, Frenchie." Soldier snarled. For a moment, Polite Spy looked like he had been hurt, if only for a second.
"Mister Soldier, to me a promise is practically a solemn vow to God, maybe Mister Karma Soldier too. Whenever Polite Spy makes a promise, he takes it with him to his grave." The other mercenaries felt the promise was enough, and left the table to either relax, train or do whatever. Whilst Polite Spy remained seated, Soldier kept his eyes concentrated on him, unsure of whether to trust the Freak, and then left. Now that Polite Spy had some solitude, he returned to doing the only thing he had been doing prior, whistling a happy tune and be around dear friends.
RED Barracks
Another day, another defeat at the hands of the BLUs. If only they hadn't been distracted by those two Freaks fighting, they could have won the battle. Instead, they've been sent back to their barracks to lick their wounds. Although, when the REDs opened the door, they did not expect to find another RED Heavy, wearing a cooking pot on his head, standing over the stove frying a steak.
"AH!" The other Heavy shouted. "You have returned! Welcome!" At first, the mercs had no idea what to make of this situation. Then, Scout decided to make the first move.
"FREAK IN THE BASE!" He screamed. "KILL 'EM!" With that notion, Scout, Heavy, Soldier, and Pyro began firing at the Freak. The Heavy Freak shrieked in fear, and dove behind some crates. No sooner than the wooden boxes had been riddles with bullets, did Spy and Sniper decide to intervene.
"Shove off, mates!" Sniper ordered.
"The poor devil is terrified!" Spy added. The startled REDs quickly halted their fire, staring in wonder as the French assassin and the Australian hunter ran over to the Heavy Freak's cover. Spy and Sniper peered behind the boxes, to only see the Freak curled up in a fetal position, shaking with dread.
"Hey there," Sniper said, extending a hand. The Heavy only curled himself up into a tighter ball. "Don't worry, it's alright. We ain't gonna hurt ya, mate."
"B-b-but the others…." The Freak sputtered.
"We called them of, monsieur," Spy reassured. "No need to fear." The other mercs were looking on with confused faces. Here were the RED Spy and RED Sniper, two of the team's most lethal fighters, who behave more robotic in killing than one of Engineer's sentries, comforting a possibly dangerous mutated clone. The Freak Heavy slowly uncurled himself, giving a nervous smile to Spy and Sniper.
"There, that's a good Heavy." Sniper said, lifting the massive Freak off the ground. "Now tell us, what's your name, mate?"
"I am Intelligent Heavy," The Freak introduced.
"Well, Intelligent Heavy," Spy said. "What brings you here?" For a moment, Intelligent Heavy looked distant. Then, he let out a mirthful sigh and smacked the side of his head.
"Oh, I am STOOPID! Leetle devil woman in speakers told me to give you this." Reaching into his back pocket, Intelligent Heavy handed a slightly crumpled letter bearing the Mann Co. Logo to Sniper. Opening it, Sniper saw a formally written letter signed by Redmond Mann himself.
To the Reliable Excavation Division Mercenaries,
When you are reading this, a designate Freak (presumably the Heavy wearing a cooking pot) has taken up residence in your base. This was intended by I, Redmond Mann, and overseen by the Administrator. The Freak you have received is most likely non-hostile, so it can be used as a caretaker of the base in your absence. There is no reason to be suspicious, or even aggressive towards the Freak, he is harmless.
Signed, Your Boss, Redmond Mann, the Better Son
"He loves trying to boost his ego, doesn't he?" Sniper said. He turned around and waved towards the mercs still standing at the door. "It's alright lads, Intelligent Heavy here's been sent by Redmond." Most the mercenaries visibly relaxed, but a bright look took over Medic's face. The others knew this look, the Germanic Doctor always had it when he saw something worth examination… or dissection.
"Ve have our very own Freak?" Medic beamed, giggling like a school girl. In almost an instance, Medic had pulled out a magnifying glass and begun examining Intelligent Heavy, head-to-toe. "Vhat are your special abilities? How do you come by zhem? Were you a clone that was given special alterations, or just immediately mutated? Do you Freaks have specialized blood types?" While the mad doctor rambled with his question, sweat nervously dripped down Intelligent Heavy's brow. Eventually, Heavy stomped over to his Freak counterpart, plucked up Medic, slung the still prattling doctor over his shoulder, and glared into the Freak's eyes.
"My doctor." He bluntly said, before walking to clean his gun, Medic in tow. Spy put a reassuring hand on Intelligent Heavy's back.
"Ze Heavy is very protective of Medic," Spy said. "He won't really hurt you."
"Dah, I will leave doctor alone." Intelligent Heavy warmly smiled. "Although, doctor is better than other Medic Freaks." That last notion got the attention of everyone.
"Other Medic Freaks?" Engineer repeated. "The Medic Freaks are dangerous?"
"Oh, you have no idea." Intelligent Heavy elucidated. "Many bad Freaks are Medics. Rabic, Sewer Medic, Dr. Schadenfreude, Dr. Teem, Cybor Medic, but…." Intelligent Heavy felt a shiver run up his spine. "The evilest is Nightmare Medic." Hearing the name themselves, the REDs could feel the temperature drop from how bone-chilling the name was.
"Creepy name," Scout said. "But how bad is he?" Intelligent Heavy turned towards Scout and looked into his eyes.
"Nightmare Medic is demon in Medic's body. He is not clone, mutant, or cyborg like most Freaks, but a demon from Hell. Mann brothers wanted a Freak through ungodly means, so they made the Disciples, Medic cultist Freaks, and had them summon a demon from Hell. Evil Nightmare Medic was born, and now sits in evil Freak Facility known as 'The Pentagram'. He is devil of all Freaks, and has army of Disciples and Men of Mystery at his call." The mercs were practically quaking in their boots at the aspect of them actually facing the Devil himself as a Freak, and these were the same nine men (or whatever the hell Pyro is), who stood against the Horseless Headless Horsemann, Demoman's monstrous eye, and the wizard Merasmus almost every Halloween!
"So, let me get this straight," Engineer said, breaking the silence. "There's a demon Freak being held in prison by the two most eccentric men in existence, so what's stoppin' him from breaking loose and killing every darn thing in New Mexico?!"
"Thankfully, there is something." Intelligent Heavy noted. "The ones he fears."
"Something scares the devil himself?!" Scout shrieked. Intelligent Heavy nodded.
"Angelic Freaks. To balance bad, there must be good." Intelligent Heavy said. "Mann brothers created Angelic Freaks to counter Satanic Freaks. They live in Freak Facility known as "The Sacred Lands", led by an angel himself, Karma Soldier!" At the name, the sound of glass breaking was heard. All the mercs and the Freak turned to Soldier, seeing a wide grin spread across his face.
"Karma Soldier, eh?" Soldier giggled. "They made a Freak who's an angel, the essence of all good, and they used my DNA to do it?" Intelligent Heavy nodded, unsure where he was going with this. Once assured, Soldier broke into a little victory dance.
"What's going on with you, Solly?" Demoman asked.
"They made me an angel! That makes me the holiest person, so by that logic," Soldier then stood in a triumphant pose with his fist in the air. "THAT MAKES ME THE MESSIAH!" Nothing but the sound of machines whirring came after. Then, immense laughter.
"Soldier, if y'all are the Messiah, then that makes the Administrator and mah ex-wife God!" Engineer laughed.
"If zere's anywhere you'd be going," Spy snorted. "Zere'd be a lot more fire and brimstone!"
"Mmph mmph huddah, huddah huddah HA!" Pyro mumbled. Soldier stood amidst the mockery, his face reddened with anger. Once done with the comedy roast, Soldier walked to his locker and lit himself a thick stogie. The others went to do whatever, leaving Spy, Sniper, and Intelligent Heavy.
"Thank you for standing up for Heavy." Intelligent Heavy thanked.
"No worries, mate." Sniper said.
"We did what we could." Spy reassured.
"But I want to know… why?" Intelligent asked. For a moment, neither assassin could answer.
"For some reason, it felt right." Sniper said, with the masked Frenchman nodding. Intelligent Heavy tapped his chin for a moment.
"Maybe Spyper would know…?" The Freak muttered to himself. "Well, Heavy will go make dinner." With that Intelligent Heavy walked away, and leaving the two assassins behind. Intelligent Heavy figured that when he went back to Insanity, U.S.A, he could go and ask his best friend about recurring genetic traits.
Freak-saurus: Polite Spy
Polite Spy is a BLU Spy Freak, created by YouTuber afilthyleaver. Polite Spy is an incredibly well-mannered and polite Spy wearing a Summer Hat. Whether inside or outside combat, Polite Spy sustains an unflinching kindness and sincerity towards those around him. This kindness has earned him the friendship of Intelligent Heavy, Painis Cupcake, Christian Brutal Sniper, and even a RED Vagineer. Instead of actual combat, Polite Spy attempts to befriend or pacify his foes, through either empathy or compliments. He is not bothered by physical damage, having been able to even reattach severed limbs and survive a flurry of Christian Brutal Sniper's weapons. He can produce an infinite number of gifts for his friends on a whim. The only time Polite Spy ever is involved in combat is if someone asks for his help, to which he will aid in combat. Another strong tool, and also weakness of Polite Spy is promises. If he makes a promise with someone, he will follow it to the end. If someone promises him something, he will instantly believe it, making him a target against trickster Freaks. Another weakness of Polite Spy is that he never kills his opponents, leaving the opportunity for revenge.
Intelligent Heavy
Intelligent Heavy is a RED Heavy Freak, created by YouTuber Minifett. Intelligent Heavy wears a Stainless Pot on his head, and is generally a happy-go-lucky character. Intelligent Heavy is almost always in a good mood, and always willing to try new things. Intelligent Heavy is best friends with Spyper, a BLU Spy/Sniper hybrid Freak, despite the conflicting team colors. He never wishes to hurt anyone, choosing either to run from a fight or make peace, although he is not harmless. Intelligent Heavy can use a wide variety of props as weapons (including a stone sandvich, a fire-extinguisher, and Fists of Steel), when dressed as a cop he can use the Reserve Shooter shotgun, and can even use his pot as a weapon, for the pot is no ordinary pot. Anyone except for Intelligent Heavy who wears is hurled into a world of nightmares, varying with each person, and the result completely shuts off the brain. Intelligent Heavy has a pet Headcrab that wears an Engineer's hardhat and goggles.