Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. This is only for entertainment purposes.
Shiver
Chapter X
A/N: I realised I still haven't made it clear anywhere in the fic, so I'll write it here: Ethan's boyfriend's called David Collins. (I guess their ship name is 'Wollins'? It's the only name I came up with that sounds good enough…)
'Cause all I wanted to say is something real
All I want you to know is how I feel
All I wanted to give was my heart
But I'm stuck here at the start
[What I wanted to say-Colbie Caillat]
Scorpius entered the common room. He walked right past his friends on his way to his dormitory without even looking at them. Ethan and David exchanged a quick knowing glance.
"Hey, Malfoy!" Ethan called.
"What?" Scorpius snapped, turning towards him.
"Well, I was just telling David something about McMillan and I thought it might interest you too…"
Scorpius crossed his arms over his chest and waited.
"I don't know if you remember, but he was dating a Hufflepuff girl. So yesterday, after weeks and weeks of waiting, they finally fucked. And guess what? She totally sucked, and not in a good way." Ethan said with a light laugh.
"So what?" Scorpius asked impatiently.
"Don't you think it's funny? It's McMillan we're talking about, the one who made fun of you because you're still a virgin."
"I'm n-"
Scorpius' jaw tightened.
"You're not what?" Ethan asked, lifting an eyebrow suspiciously at him.
"I'm not sure I see why it's supposed to be 'funny'. It sounds bad for the girl, not for him." Scorpius answered, but Ethan noticed he still looked tense.
"Yeah, but remember when we had told him he's an idiot for going out with a Hufflepuff? Looks like we were right."
"Looks like you were right." Scorpius corrected him. "And how can you be so sure he's telling the truth? Maybe he messed it up and is using the poor girl as an excuse. He's a Slytherin, no one would dare question him."
"… says another Slytherin." Ethan commented with a smirk. "And tell me, since when do you support other houses? Especially the one you make the most fun of… or at least that you used to… Or wait, would you happen to know first hand if they're good in bed?" he added, eying the other boy carefully.
"No, I wouldn't know." Scorpius replied, eyes narrowed. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to rest."
"Of course! You must be pretty tired after all that studying…"
"Yes, Ethan, it might be unknown to you, but studying can indeed tiring."
Ethan sneered briefly. "Ah, you know, if you were studying what I think you were, I believe I'm far more familiar with the subject than you."
David cleared his throat. "Ethan, stop." he whispered.
"One last thing." Ethan said, "Are there ghosts fooling around in the library or did your shirt misbutton itself on its own?"
"The only thing I know is that you're a pain in the arse." Scorpius retorted before walking away.
"Did you hear that, David? Don't you have anything to say?" Ethan exclaimed, pretending to be offended.
"Well, I wouldn't say you're a pain…" he replied and they both chuckled.
"Ugh, shut up already! You two are unbearable!" they heard Scorpius shout from the next room.
"Hush and go take a shower, loverboy!" Ethan shouted back.
David laughed again. "I think you've said enough." he muttered a few moments later.
"Maybe." Ethan said with a shrug, "But he has to understand we're not stupid."
"True. You didn't need to be so pushy though." David reprimanded him kindly.
"Mmh."
"At least it's a good thing he didn't realise the whole story was a lie…"
"Yeah, he was too 'busy' lately to have heard that McMillan broke up with his girlfriend a week ago. I'm sure that tomorrow Scorpius won't even remember what I said. By the way, rumour has it she wanted to wait till marriage or something. Pfff, who does that nowadays?" Ethan said, rolling his eyes.
"Don't be so harsh, you can't know how she was raised. And just try for a moment to imagine how she must have felt when he dumped her for that... I always thought he was a jerk."
"Oh, you and your sympathy." Ethan teased him and sat closer to him, wrapping an arm around David's shoulders, pulling the brown-haired boy into a half-hug.
"Can you believe it, Dave? Our dear heartless friend is head-over-heels for the school's celebrity. Oh, wait! How could I forget? It could have been way worse! It could have been his goddamn brother! The 'golden boy junior'! Merlin, what a nightmare that would be!"
"Al, are you listening to me?"
"Huh? Ah, sorry, Rose."
"Who are you thinking of?" she asked in a playful tone, elbowing him lightly.
"No one. I'm just… thinking."
It was a beautiful Saturday morning, their last weekend at Hogwarts. Albus, Rose, and Henri were lying on the grass under a tree, near the Black Lake.
"I was saying that since Teddy and Victoire will only spend two weeks with us this year, we could ask our parents to travel somewhere for a change, during the two other free weeks…"
"Yeah… Why not?" Albus mumbled indifferently.
In two days they would be returning home. It had always been one of the most awaited days of the year for Albus, but not this time. He didn't want to leave until he knew what exactly was going on between Scorpius and him. Until Scorpius told him he loved him back… if he did that is. Because if Albus hadn't been certain about it in the past, now it was perfectly clear that he was in love with Scorpius; he had finally admitted it to himself. He couldn't tell why or how it had happened, nor since when, but there was one thing he was absolutely sure about: he had to become Scorpius' boyfriend. It was like a vital need.
When Scorpius held him against his chest, it was only then that he felt complete, happy, and wished time could stop. That time could stop, or simply that he wouldn't have to dread the other boy's next words, that they wouldn't have to do everything in a rush because they didn't have the privilege of being together freely. What was Scorpius so afraid of? It probably was naïve of him, but Albus felt like Scorpius liked to be with him, that he wanted to… So why? Why hadn't he tried even once to see him after that Tuesday night in the Astronomy tower? He had just left him there, without saying anything, and Albus hadn't dared say anything either. Thankfully, Henri hadn't come back yet when he had gone to bed, and later Albus had pretended to be asleep so that he didn't have to talk to him.
Albus felt a light punch in his ribs. He turned to look at his cousin.
"Are we that boring?" she teased him.
"What? No! No, sorry, I was just thinking about something."
"Yeah, I think we got that. I'm really curious to know what got you thinking so hard…"
"It's nothing. Nothing important anyway."
"Okay, time to back to the Castle." Henri said and got on his feet. "I was starting to get bored too." he added with a small guilty smile towards Rose, though Albus knew he was only doing it for him.
"Hmm, I see how it is… You are trying to imply that you don't like my company. Thank you very much, boys." Rose said, trying to sound hurt, but the grin she didn't manage to hide betrayed her.
"Nah, don't say that, it's just a misunderstanding." Henri laughed.
Then he took her hand and helped her stand up. Albus got up too, and the three of them began walking their way back to the Castle. When Albus noticed that Henri was holding Rose by the waist, he felt his chest tighten. Scorpius had never held him affectionately in front of anyone, and even when they were alone, he barely showed any sign of affection. Despite knowing he was being selfish and childish, the dark-haired boy found himself feeling jealous of his two best friends.
Rose and Henri had been a couple for five days now. Well, rather four actually. The last time Henri had gone to her common room, just before he left, when they were wishing good night to each other, Rose had kissed him. Then the next day, when they had told him the good news, Rose's eyes were shining, Henri's cheeks had never been so red, and they both seemed to be radiating happiness. They had made him feel as happy as them for a moment; forget Scorpius and all the worries that came along with him.
As they reached the Great Hall, Albus caught a glimpse of a familiar silhouette turn in a ramification of the main corridor, causing his heart to make a jump.
"Er, I… I have to go to the bathroom." Albus mumbled hastily before rushing after the Slytherin.
Ironically enough, Scorpius entered the boy's toilets. The dark-haired boy hesitated for a few seconds, then went in too. He had time to see the door of one of the bathroom stalls close. Scorpius didn't lock the door though, and judging by the silence, he wasn't moving either. Albus went closer, then stopped abruptly. I can't do that, it's wrong, he told himself. But it was stronger than him, as if some force was pushing him forwards.
Uh, screw that, I'm going in.
Just as he was about to push the door open, Albus changed his mind and lowered his hand. He couldn't just burst in like that… So Albus did something that probably even worse: he quietly opened the door slightly, just enough to be able to glimpse inside.
Scorpius was sat on the toilet lid, facing the side wall, his elbows resting on his knees and his face between his hands. After a long sigh, he ran his fingers through his hair, and then rested his forehead on his palms, his eyelids shut. At some point, Scorpius half-opened his eyes, and Albus saw a tear glisten on his eyelashes. The Hufflepuff held his breath. He felt extremely ashamed for watching such a private moment in secret, but he felt even more disgusted of himself when he realised he wished to be the reason behind Scorpius' sorrow.
Albus wanted to reach out to him and comfort him. No, Scorpius would hate him if he found out Albus had seen him in this condition. The dark-haired boy was about to leave when his foot accidentally brushed against the door, pushing it open. Scorpius abruptly raised his head and turned towards him. They both froze, and the atmosphere suddenly became unbearably heavy. Albus could hear his blood pulsing through his ears. After a few never-ending seconds, Scorpius' shocked expression turned into anger.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he yelled, rising up.
Albus took a step backwards. "N-nothing! I-I… I was simply passing by, a-and-"
"Yeah, sure!" the blond scoffed. "No but seriously, have you gone mad? Aren't you even ashamed of yourself?"
"Oh, believe me, I am." Albus muttered mostly to himself.
"What are you still doing here then? Get out! Can't anyone even pee in peace? Can't you just stop stalking me all the time?"
"I-I'm not stalk-"
"I don't care about your stupid excuses! Leave me alone! I told you to get the fuck out of here! GET OUT!"
Albus took another few steps backwards. Then he clenched his fists and told himself that this time he wouldn't choose the easiest option; he wouldn't run away, and most importantly, he wouldn't obey Scorpius' orders.
"What are you scared of?" he asked as calmly as he could.
"I'm not scared of anything! Stop it with your nonsense and piss off!"
"No, I won't leave if you don't tell me why you won't even let me talk to you!"
"Because my friends have gotten suspicious, that's why! You can't do whatever you want whenever you want!"
"I think you've ignored me for long enough already! And why does it matter so much if someone finds out? Why can't we act normally like everybody else?"
"You wouldn't understand!" Scorpius shouted in exasperation.
"Of course not! How could I understand if you don't fucking explain it?"
"Listen, I made it clear to you that you shouldn't expect anything from me, and if my memory is correct, you were okay with it. So don't play the victim now!"
"It's easy for you to say that! You had your fun! You fucked me and now you're getting rid of me because I'm not useful any longer! At least have the guts to say it straight to my face! Come on, Malfoy! Just say it, damn it!"
Albus was so enraged he felt like he would explode at any moment. During the fight, they had gotten so close to one another, Albus could feel Scorpius' ragged breath against his face, and the tension between them was practically palpable. Apparently, Scorpius didn't know what to say, since he just stood there staring at him, mouth slightly opened and eyes almost black. For a brief moment, Albus thought the other boy was about to tear up again. But then Scorpius suddenly grabbed him by his shirt and pushed him inside the bathroom stall, locking the door behind them. He trapped Albus in a corner and violently crushed their lips together. Albus tried to shove him away.
"No! Stop!" he cried. "I don't want you to use me ever again!"
Scorpius gripped him tightly by the shoulders. "Don't talk like that! I'm not using you!"
"And what are you doing then? You just implied I meant nothing to you! I can't see what else you could be doing if not using me to satisfy your needs! And don't you dare tell me I'm a total idiot because I'm already perfectly aware of it!"
Scorpius gaped at him for a second, then lowered his hands. He closed his eyes and seemed to be trying to calm his breathing.
"You're right." he eventually said and stepped to the side, letting Albus go. "I'm sorry."
Everyone was ready to board the Hogwarts Express. Scorpius scanned through the crowd. It took him some time, but in the end, he found the one he was looking for. He turned to his friends to tell them he would go greet some other people. Ethan was already looking at him, and when their gazes met, he simply nodded knowingly and winked at him. Scorpius managed a tiny grateful smile.
Ethan knew; he had made sure to let Scorpius know, but then he hadn't made any other insinuation about the subject. However, Scorpius was certain his best friend had no idea of the foolishness he was about to do.
But I have to do it. I've already waited far too long…
Ethan knew. If he knew, David knew too. Two Slytherins already knew… Slytherins couldn't keep secrets, that was well known. Then there were also Albus' friends… They probably knew too, at least the French one. He couldn't risk it any longer.
If his father happened to hear any rumour, he would kill him. Not really because it was a Potter — and a Hufflepuff on top of it all — but mostly because he was the only Malfoy who could continue the family line. He was expected to marry a 'nice' girl, preferably from an honourable family. So there was no way he could permit to himself to fall in love with Albus. He had already started caring about the boy, damn it! What if it was too late?
No! It is not!
Scorpius clenched his teeth and approached Albus' 'little' group. As he observed them, Scorpius realised would have spotted Albus more quickly if he had had the cleverness to look for a bunch of redheads reunited. He stopped a few feet away from them and waited for Albus to notice him. The certainty he had that the other boy would surely see him, that maybe he would have been looking for him too, was a proof that this whole story had gone too far.
Just as Scorpius expected, he caught Albus' eye effortlessly. At his sight, Albus flinched and swiftly turned his face away. Then, hesitantly, Albus looked at him again. Scorpius slightly tilted his head to the side, lifting an eyebrow meaningfully. The dark-haired boy lowered his gaze, biting his lip. He eventually said something to his friends, and began walking over to him. Before Albus reached him, Scorpius went to hide in a corner near the end of the station, away from the rest of the students. When Albus walked passed him, Scorpius grabbed his hand and pulled him back.
"Here." he muttered.
Apprehension was clearly legible on Albus' features; it plagued Scorpius with guilt. Besides, Albus most likely hated him after all he had said… His cheeks had a light pink tint to them, and the blond felt the urge to touch the boy in front of him, to caress his soft skin, run his fingertips over the freckles that decorated it…
Scorpius, focus!
Albus was staring at their clasped hands, looking confused. Scorpius immediately took his hand away and shoved both of them down his pockets.
"Look, I… Er… About last time, I… I didn't mean to sound so cruel, and I… Um, I didn't want things to end so badly, but now it's over and…"
"Yeah, I know… It's unbelievable how quickly time passed, but hey, we still have one other year, right?" Albus said, and it was painful for Scorpius to see his eyes light up, knowing he would have to crush his hopes.
Ugh, why did Albus have to make everything harder than it already was? If only he didn't have to do this…
"No, Al-Potter, I mean between you and I. We can't continue seeing each other. It's over." Scorpius repeated, his own words sounding like venom. "Once and for all."
Albus remained speechless, his expression unreadable. The Slytherin didn't know whether or not he should feel relieved by the boy's lack of reaction. He had done what Albus had asked him, after all, even though he was well aware of being a big pathetic coward for telling him literally at the last minute.
Albus, please, say something… Anything…
As a response, Albus' lower lip started trembling. Scorpius was suddenly overwhelmed by a countless amount of emotions, the main one being hatred towards his own self, for what he was doing to Albus.
It's all my fault, he reminded himself. His selfishness had screwed up everything…
Albus was still standing motionless, his gaze empty. Since it was the last time he could do it, Scorpius put one hand on Albus' neck, leaned in, and kissed him gently. It was one of those bittersweet kisses that were so slow you felt like the Earth had stopped spinning, but at the same time made you feel like you had only a few other moments left to live… A farewell kiss.
As soon as their lips parted, Albus made a faint whimpering sound. His eyes had reddened a little, making the bright green colour of his iris stand out even more. A teardrop was threatening to fall.
"Don't cry. It's not worth it." Scorpius whispered. I'm not worth it.
"B-but… I-I… I…"
They heard the sound of the train whistle.
"There's nothing else left to say." Scorpius said in a decisive tone. "Goodbye." he added and then left in a hurry, without a single glance behind, before he did something he would highly regret later on.
I'm so sorry, Albus. I wish I had a choice.
It's on the tip of my tongue but I'm still afraid
Sometimes the only thing words do is get in the way
Sometimes the easiest things are the hardest to say
But I don't wanna lose you, drive you away
Don't wanna confuse you, I need you to stay
Only wish you knew what I wanted to say
Only wish you knew what I wanted to say