A/N: While Im back, we have visitors from out of the country at my house, and Im still getting used to this new workload at school, so I dont have as much time as I would like.

Still, heres the next chapter.

EPOV

I was crouching in the center of my room. My family had cornered me when I was too busy thinking about Bella to notice their approach. I had already tried to run, but Alice had stopped me with a few simple thoughts.

Bellas gone. She disappeared during the plane crash, and shes a vampire. Apparently, she was going for the whole, rip-the-Band-Aid-off-fast-and-it-wont-hurt-as-much technique. Id just like to say that whoever thought of that, they were dead wrong.

Getting the truth out as fast as you can, might help the teller, but the receiver of the information is stuck with the short end. I was frozen to the ground. Rooted to the spot. Struck dumb. Whatever you want to call it. It doesnt matter to me.

At first, I didnt believe her. There was no way that Bella had been a vampire and we had missed it. All my arguments from earlier in the year came back to me now. She had a heartbeat. Body heat. She was clumsy. She didnt smell like it. She was more human than any other human I had ever met.

My teeth were gritted. Explain. My voice was rough and full of not-so-hidden warning. Immediately, Jasper was on the defensive.

He crouched in front of Alice. She had nothing to do with Bella being a vampire. There was nothing she could have done about it. Youre blaming her for something that isnt her fault.

I grimaced, but nodded. He was right. I should just move on and be happy that Bella wasnt dead.

Wait. You said she disappeared after the plane crash? My voice was panicked, and I was amazed I hadnt picked up on that earlier. My whole family started flipping through the events in their heads. I watched from six different points of view as the plane started to go down. I saw Bella press something into Rosalies hand. I watched as she disappeared into the bathroom, and how they didnt see her after that.

Let me see the letter. For a second, I thought they werent going to let me. A look was shared that clearly spoke of their discomforts, even if I couldnt read their thoughts. Finally, Esme held out a worn paper that was folded up as small as possible. I opened it up to find a flowing letter that was very unlike the chicken-scratch handwriting that Bella used at school.

Cullen family,

I want to tell you that Im crying as I write this. I want to say that I regret every word that is spoken now, but that would be a lie, and I swear to tell only the truth in this letter.

It was bound to happen. I dont want you all to feel guilty for my disappearance. It was planned for a long time, you didnt speed it up or anything.

I hope you understand how hard it is to write this. Im not supposed to tell you all this, but I figure you all deserve some kind of explanation.

I work for the Volturi. My talent is to control minds and place false memories. It was my mission to come and see you guys. It was all reconnaissance. I was to figure out how much of a threat you would all be to the Volturi.

It was so simple. I placed a fake memory in every persons mind that I had gone missing. I showed up at Charlies and made him think I was his daughter, and you all showed up just after that.

I was trying to avoid you, but Edward was pretty persistent. At first it infuriated Aro. He was afraid my cover would be blown. Then, he decided that maybe this could work out. If I could get Edward to love me, then I would have a first-class pass into the Cullens life. To avoid later anger, I was to tell you about my vampirness in a moment of daring honesty.

When Edward left, Aro wanted me to get him to come back. He thought that it would be easier to have him be a part of your coven and join the Volturi later than to have him picked up by some passing coven.

So I helped you all plan out a mission. Aro had told me where Edward was staying. The little trick that I pulled was to keep suspicion off me. When I told you the order of shirts in Alices closet, I placed a false memory in her mind to make her agree, then switched the order when she got me a change of clothes.

The plane crashing was my fault. I had accidentally gone with you all too far on your mission, and Felix made the plane crash so that I could go with him.

Im sorry if Im going on too long, but you are all the first people Ive ever told my story to, and it feels so good to get it off my chest.

Thank you for your acceptance, especially because I didnt deserve it, and Im sorry Edward. Im so sorry for leading you on,

But, then again, its all part of the job,

Isabella.

P.S. Please dont come looking for me, even if you feel like we need to talk. I wasnt supposed to tell you all this. If Aro sees it, hell kill you for knowing so much about us.

I stood in silence. My mind almost refused to wrap around this. Bella had lied. She had lied about everything. She didnt even go by Bella. No, it had all been a way to make her appear normal. To make everyone feel like they knew her, even when they didnt.

Fragments of the letter ran around my head. I work for the Volturi. It was all reconnaissance. It was so simple. Get Edward to love me. The little trick I pulled was just to keep suspicion off me. Im so sorry for leading you on. Isabella.

Its all part of the job.

For a while, she had sounded regretful, but she had ruined that with the last sentence. It was so emotionless. It wasnt filled with fake pain, or irony. It was just flippant. Casual. There was nothing that suggested she hadnt done it before. That she wouldnt do it again.

And I had been pulled in by it all. I had believed that it was actually possible for me to be happy. I had listened to the whispered hints from Alice. From Jasper. I had thought that it would all work out.

This was fate. Stopping it before it went too far.

I stood there, and I saw the effect that it had had on my family. They had all loved her already. Esme and Carlisle were sad.

The rest of us were mad.

She had lied. Lied to all of us, and she had made me love her.

Thinking back on it, she had played her cards just right. She had been the outcast, yet she chose to be. It was a tremulous connection to us, but it would be enough to pique our interest. Pick up odd little behaviors that would keep us interested, and do a few reckless things that made it seem like our responsibility to look after her.

And she had probably made sure that we would be paired up for a project so that she could open up just enough to draw me in, and then close up again to make sure I wanted her around.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to do something, and I almost wanted to go and rip Isabellas head from her shoulders. But, I still loved her. No, the best thing I could do was push her to the back of my mind. I would forget about what almost was.

With that thought firmly in my head, I cleared my face and turned to my family.

Well, we better think of an explanation for why Im coming home while were on the plane. I walked out of the room. There was no need to explain what was going through my head. My family already knew. That was one reason I loved them so much, and why I would be going back to Washington with them.

We walked to the airport in silence, and it wasnt until we were on the plane that I remembered how long it had been since I last hunted.

Ignoring the burn, I sat back in my seat and tried not to think.

When we got home, I went straight up to my room. I would be reenrolling today and had a few hours before I would go back with my family.

Esme had run the other note over to Charlies house. While we definitely didnt owe Isabella any favors, it was agreed that it would be cruel to leave Charlie in the dark when it came to her leaving.

Before she had run it over, we had all read it. We figured that Isabella didnt deserve privacy anymore.

Hey Dad.

Id like to say sorry in advance. However, I am sorry for how this will hurt you, not that I am doing this. I need this.

Im running away. Please dont send some sort of police crew after me. Ill be rather hard to find.

I had a store of money saved up from my jobs. Ill be able to take care of myself. I just want you to move on. Ill be fine, and I want you to be too.

I love you,

Bells.

I was shocked that she didnt just erase his memory of her. Was she really that heartless? Would she rather that everyone here miss her?

Did she do this every mission?

I couldnt believe that I had fallen for this kind of monster. But no, these thoughts were not allowed. I banished them back to the barren corners of my mind from whence they came. I needed to move on. I would never fall in love again, the downside of being a vampire, but I could try to ignore the pain.

Come on Edward. Its time to go. It wasnt until then that I had realized that we had all come full circle. These were the exact thoughts that Alice had thought on our first day at Forks High. The day I met Isabella. I tried to go back to that. To the days when I walked through life, not knowing what I was missing.

I tried hard, and I almost did it. The days dragged by, but I handled it the same way I would have BI (Before Isabella). She had a slight impact on the way I would think, or move, or write, but I didnt allow my mind to dwell on that. I think my family noticed, but they had the same problem.

So we helped each other. We didnt allow anyone in our family to sit and think. We were constantly doing things. Bored Edward? Lets go wrestle. Oh, Jasper, your eyes are looking blacker. Quick everyone. Family hunting trip!

I felt like one of those workaholics. You know, the ones who get that way after something bad happens, and they dont stop working after it, so they can never think.

I stopped playing piano. It involved too much thought. Alice was unofficially required to have Rose with her when she worked on a new design. I was always there to help Esme with her blueprints. Carlisle was there when Jasper read, and when Jasper and Emmett played chess, Alice would be there talking their heads off.

The house was never silent. It gave us all a headache, but that was a sacrifice we were willing to make.

BPOV

I ran. I ran until all my thoughts were strewn behind me on the desert sand. Half of me was there, but half of me was not.

Half of me ran, but the other half was following the Cullens as they ran to Rio. I watched as they snuck up on Edward and cornered him. I watched them hand him the letter, and I watched the hate break across his face when he was finished.

You would think that after all this time trying to get him to hate me; this would at least bring me some closure, if not relief. All I felt was the knife shoved into my heart as it twisted. I felt the rusty, jagged edges as it was pulled out and then shoved back in. I almost screamed, but I remembered Felix behind me and stopped.

Then, I decided it didnt really matter, and I allowed a howl of pain to pass through my lips. My focus snapped and I was back in my body, the desert flying beneath me. My scream hung, shimmering and unbroken in the air in front of me. It rose on the wind and whipped past me, stinging my cheeks with needle-sharp knives to match the one in my chest. I stumbled, still screaming. A cliff was on my right, and I stood at the top of it. The scream transformed into an animalistic howl that started out mixed with a sob, and then moved into a single, crystal note that shot into the air. I recalled the howling of the werewolves, and knew that even they did not compare to this.

Knowing that Felix would be here soon, and that I couldnt handle contact right now, I ran along the side of the cliff, then looped around and connected my scent trail to an earlier one by me. Running back along it to the cliff, I soared over the side without a second thought and allowed the wind to tear at my hair before I grabbed onto a passing terrace and scaled it until I found a cave.

The next days passed with me outside of my body. I sat on that dusty floor in the cave that was hardly big enough for me, and followed the Cullens through their life.

They seemed to be coping well. While they still had to help each other, I knew that soon they would be able to handle themselves. I would become a dusty file in the back of their memory; something to mention rarely, and, when mentioned, they would ridicule me.

Because I could see it on everyones faces. They blamed me. They hated me. Even Esme was mad at me. They went to school, and I went with them. They came home, and I did too. They went hunting and I watched from a distance.

I think a month passed before I forced myself out of hiding. I needed to hunt. After a short meal of a coyote, I knew I had to move on before the Volturi came back for me. Felix had fallen for my trick for approximately five minutes, but he had heard my scream as well. He had thought it was a sign of some sort, and that I had reinforcements hidden somewhere in the desert waiting to attack and wipe out the Volturi. He had called Aro and now they were planning to send a group out to track me and kill me.

While they had never gotten a look into my mind, they could still follow my scent, and I knew of only one way to effectively ditch them. I turned west and ran toward the ocean. Within a few monotonous hours I was there.

I shot out into the bay and kept swimming. The ocean floor quickly dropped off, and I followed it down. When I came to a cave about fifty miles out, I stopped. Dropping down, I sat in the very center of the cave and let the water sooth me. Then, I sent my mind out in search of the Cullens again. They had improved steadily over the last month, and they were allowing a little quiet to seep back into their lives. I guess I was glad. All that noise had been giving me a headache, but a selfish part of me wanted them to never move on. I wanted them to waste away waiting for me. I wanted them to want me.

And they didnt. Not even a little bit.

Still, I had brought this upon myself, so I would have to see it through, even if seeing it through hurt. Besides, it would hurt even more to not know what was going on. At least now I was able to keep them in my life. I was hording them. Every day, I went to school with them. I would sit in Edwards room with him as he read or listened to music. At first, he hadnt allowed himself to do this, but he was healing now, and we would sit together. I would kiss him and lie next to him. He didnt know I was there. He didnt even know I cared. I had heard most of the conversations they had about me. Edward thought that this was what I did. He thought I was a spy for the Volturi and that I just went around making people fall in love with me, and that I would then just leave.

He thought I was the kind of person who would leave a whole town with memories of me, just so that people would miss me, even if I had the option to take away their pain.

It hurt, that. I had never allowed myself to think about how all of this would affect me. I knew that I would give up if I knew of the pain I was getting myself into.

It was just a day after my arrival at the cave when I saw the boat slicing through the water far above me. I already knew it was the Volturi. I recognized the boat. They must have caught my scent, and now they were headed across the ocean to try and find where I had gotten out. They knew how uncomfortable it was to not breath, so I guess they just assumed that I would get out of the water as fast as I could.

I had counted on that. Now, I was slightly concerned about what I would do next. I knew I could find a way to call Jacob, and he would come and carry me wherever I needed to go so that they couldnt track me. But, now that I thought about it, I didnt really want to leave the ocean. Besides, it wasnt like I was actually there much. I was always off in Forks, watching the Cullens move on in their lives the way they were supposed to. Without me.

Edward was at the piano now. He had started playing again about a week ago, to my intense joy. While he only played songs that were written by someone else, or that he had written a long time ago, it was a start. I was sure that he would start composing again.

I sat as close to him as I could while he played, and I laid my head on his shoulder. It felt good; natural. I never wanted the moment to end. I wanted it to stretch on into eternity and to keep going after that. The only thing that would have made it better would be if Edward knew I was there, and was okay with the position I currently found myself in. If he wanted it just as much as I did.

I sighed, and then stopped to inhale the beautiful scent of Edward. I was hopelessly in love with him, and this strange barrier between us was only making my love grow. I saw into his familys life for when they werent in crisis mode, and it made me feel like maybe if I was there, I would fit right in. I wanted that more than anything else. It was a fantasy that haunted my every waking thought. And, as I was always awake, you can see just how often that was. It was what I thought about as I watched Edwards peaceful face as he lay on his couch thinking. I thought of it when I was sitting next to Edward at school. At his table at lunch. When he played the piano.

It was everywhere.

It would have been perfect, too. I could see it all. I could see the wedding we would have. Edward would look amazing in his black tuxedo. He would stand there and Carlisle would lead the ceremony. It would be official, but small. Alice would have decorated the house to perfection. Edward would look at me with love, and we would dance together. We would be part of the family, no longer the third wheels. We would be strong. We would be together. And we would be able to do anything.

As if my thoughts were being pushed into reality, Alice called down the stairs. Come on Edward. Its time to get ready for the dance. Edward left. When I sighed-again-after that, it was for three reasons. One, the Cullens were only going to the dance because it was another way to distract themselves. They would have never done this if I hadnt come into their life. Two, I would be going with them, of course, and I had to keep on these stupid jeans and t-shirt, because I had nothing else that I could change into. Three, I really wanted to dance with Edward. I could just imagine how it would feel to have him holding me as we twirled around a dance floor, the music sparkling in us. But I would never get that, and I knew that was the right choice in the long run.

All the boys drove their dates to the dance, and I climbed in with Edward who was driving alone. I could almost pretend that he knew I was there. I could almost convince myself that we were going to the dance together because we were vampires, and we were in love, and we werent afraid of anyone else seeing that.

It was extremely awkward for Edward once we got there. He was looking exactly as I had pictured him in my marriage fantasy. It was no wonder all the girls were throwing themselves at him. I had to stop myself from dumping punch on them or ripping their dresses to shreds. They were making me so jealous.

You have no right to flirt with him. Youre not good enough for him. No one is. Besides, you dont really love him. You dont even know what love is.

I wanted to scream these things at them, but I knew that they wouldnt hear me. Eventually, I had to resort to more extreme measures. I stood about two feet in front of Edward, and made sure that every girl who approached him had to go through me first. Only humans notice when they walk through me. Vampires cant feel it. But to a human it feels like a bucket of ice water was just injected into their veins. It makes them scared and nervous.

Pretty soon, we were alone. I hugged Edward to me, nestling my face into his chest. For a while we just stood like that. He was watching the people, and I was holding on to him, like people could actually see me and would know he was mine. And I wasnt sharing.

It felt wrong to be claiming him like this, but I figured that at least while he didnt show interest in anyone, I was really just helping him out by keeping the girls away. I felt him move away, and looked up to see what he was doing.

What I saw next made me seriously question his sanity. A slow song had just come on, and the lights were turned down and had stopped spinning. He held out his arms as if holding an imaginary dance partner, and started to dance. A look of intense concentration appeared on his face, and I felt like all my prayers had been answered. Forgetting about how much this would hurt later on, I stepped up on top of his feet, placed my hands in his own, and spun with him. No one was looking back into our corner. It was shaded and dark.

We were in our own little paradise. I was getting my wish fulfilled, and Edward That was when I recognized an expression that had come upon Edwards face. He had his eyes closed, and he looked in pain. I wanted to help him, but then I saw a sort of peace come over him, and I knew that whatever was causing him pain had stopped. I puzzled over this for a while. When I figured it out though, I wished to go back in time and stop thinking. This thought, this answer, was not worth the pain.

This was him letting me go. This was his closure. A last dance. Tears tumbled down my face. They could do that when I was in this form. I stared up into his face, and I wondered what expression was on my face. All I could think was not yet. Please dont do this. I love you. Did you hear that? I love you! I dont work for the Volturi. I never did. I lied to protect you, and I want to love you, and I want you to love me for the rest of eternity.

He couldnt give up on me. I hadnt thought this through when I ran away. I hadnt considered this. For a moment, I let my selfish side rule. I had wanted Edward to love me for the rest of forever. I wanted him to read my letter and run to Volterra immediately. I wanted him to not care if he might die. He would need an explanation and he would get it. I wanted him to want me.

Please. The choked whisper slipped through my lips with my heart. They twisted together in the air between us. The space that would never be filled. Mocking me. Reminding me that I wasnt really there. That he would never hear me. My words fell dead to the ground, dragging my heart with it, laid bare. Please. Dont give up on me. I love you. I want you, and I want us. Please. Not yet, not ever. Then I just stood there, whispering please over and over. Edwards eyes had been closed, but now they opened. I didnt have time to look into them; my sight was blurred with tears. All I saw was him turning and walking away from me. His footsteps were silent, yet the silence of them reverberated in my ears. I heard nothing else. Nothing but that silence.

I screamed.

I screamed long and hard, and my control snapped. I was back at the bottom of the ocean, and I was sobbing. The shaking of my body removed the layer of dust that had accumulated over me for the last month and was a perfect camouflage. I couldnt even spare a part of me to worry about that. I had thought that the knife in my chest had been numbed. No, it had just been storing up its pain in a little reserve in the back of my head. It broke now, and pain flooded my every thought.

I became the pain.

There was screaming. There was crying. I think I swam up to the surface for a few minutes. I dont know. I was watching myself from my other body. I wasnt there. Pain was there. Pain was controlling me, so didnt need to be there. I didnt have to think about anything. I just watched.

Soon, I had settled again and was just crying silently. I had to go back to myself then.

I think I fell asleep, someway, somehow. All I remember was a deep black, and when I came to, it was three days later. Eventually I came up with a hypothesis. I think that humans sleep to escape pain, whether they know it or not. I think that if they stay awake too long, it hurts their head, so thats why humans sleep normally. If they get hurt really badly, they pass out. If theyre depressed, then they are always tired.

I figure that vampires dont have to sleep because we dont get hurt. If we ever get hurt, its either quickly fixed, or we die. I think that the pain of heartbreak though, that hurts on so many levels. It hurts you mentally. Theyre all you think about. You play the moment over and over in your head. It hurts you emotionally. You feel betrayed. You feel sadness. And you feel a deep, vast hurt that has so much pain it could fill the ocean three times over. It hurts you physically, or at least it did for me. It feels like your heart just got ripped out of your chest and stomped on again and again and again.

And if thats not pain that someone needs escaping from, I dont know what is.

So I think I was asleep those days. Down on the ocean floor. I didnt dream. No, dreams would be too pleasant. I was simply chased by the sound of Edwards silence, even into unconsciousness. After that, I went right back to check on Edward. It might seem masochistic, but it was the only way to see him. Besides, he might have given up on me, but I hadnt given up on him.

He was all I had left in the world.

A/N: So, that was really pain-filled and depressing. I felt like you needed to get a good look into depression. Thats one of the things I didnt like about NM. SM just skipped over the whole depression stage. Pain is real, and shouldnt be skipped. Pain isnt just skipped over in real life. We have to deal with it. Its not fair if characters in books dont get their fair share of it.

Comment if you share my opinion on this. Or even if you dont. Maybe you just enjoyed the chapter. Or maybe you hated it. It really doesnt matter, just review!

~School-is-my-purgatory