So I've had the flu. And my identity stolen. But I think long updates are my thing now anyways? I will get to the PM messages I have which I'm sure are about a beta which this chapter probably desperately needed. But enjoy and let me know what you think!
The alarm next to me keeps going off, but instead of waking up I choose to hit the snooze, bringing my arm up in an effort to make the damn thing fucking shut up. When my arm bumps into the back of another person instead of reaching out towards my nightstand my eyes fly open. Shit. Who the fuck is in bed with me? I can't believe this is happening again. I mean I can, I just don't want to fully believe it because admitting that I am maybe the worst person alive isn't something I am ready to do. I've found that denial; drugs, booze, and sex are so much better than admitting that I may have a problem. What fun is recovery? You have to be sober to recover. I never want to be sober again. Which is how once again I am waking up next to a fucking stranger with the taste of cigarettes in my mouth and what I'm suspecting is cum in my hair.
And I'm fucking late for first period.
An hour later I pull up in the parking lot of school, showered, in jeans and a sweatshirt, which both, by some miracle, are clean. I park my car and lean back in my seat waiting for the bell to ring in 15 minutes. I completely missed first period but it wasn't an important day so I'll be fine. Right now I'm more concerned with trying to piece together the events of last night. After I had woken up and showered I had to kick my one night stand out of my house. Thankfully my mother wasn't home, because she never fucking is, so I didn't have to deal with that mess. He was attractive at least, and from what I remembered his dick was lovely. I picked up his jeans and went through the pockets for any clues and found a parking ticket for a parking garage downtown, across from one of the college bars I go to when I'm too lazy to spend money on drinks. I love being a girl sometimes. Flash your tits a little or wear a short skirt and guys will spend tons of money to get in between your legs. Really, it's a beautiful thing. I found his wallet in his back pocket, to see how old this dude was, but what I found was not what I was expecting. As soon as I saw the name on the id I almost choked on thin air. Jason Lawson. Fuck. Jason Lawson as in Sarah Lawson's brother, as in Chaff's girlfriend and best friend. God. Damn. It. I panicked. I almost didn't go to school. I almost left him in my house for my mom to find. Instead I woke him up and made him leave, and he went without any complaints, just a cheeky fucking grin that made my stomach turn.
Now sitting in the school parking lot I wait for Madge to emerge from class and walk with me to our second period class. If anyone knows, Madge will have heard about it, and she'll tell me as soon as she sees me, because for some reason everyone here likes Madge and she is popular but she still hangs out with me. I couldn't for the life of me tell you why but god bless her for being my only friend.
When the bell rings I feel dread fill me. Now or never I guess. I couldn't really keep my less than Christian escapades a secret for much longer, not at the rate I'm going. Popping a xanax in my mouth, I drain it with the large coffee I picked up on the way, and grab the one I brought for Madge. She might as well get something out of this friendship. Sucks that it's only a daily latte from starbucks.
I lean on the side of my car as I watch her approach. She doesn't look thrilled. Shit. She comes to lean next to me and I wordlessly hand her her coffee, not bothering to look at her, instead adjusting the sunglasses on my face.
"So any good rumors going around the mill this morning?" I ask dryly.
"Yeah. Actually I was thinking maybe we should cut classes today."
Well that fucking catches my attention. Madge never cuts class. Ever. I turn to look at her, her gaze downcast at her shoes.
"Is it really that bad? Just fucking tell me."
"Katniss…." She still won't look at me and her voice is tiny. I never really understood how someone's voice could have size until now.
"Madge just tell me I'm a big girl, I can handle it."
She sighs, and looks at me finally.
"Katniss, how much of last night do you remember?"
I snort. "How much do you think?"
"Shit Kat. You know you fucked Jason Lawson right?"
I can feel my cheeks redden. I know I'm pretty much a whore but hearing my best friend ask if I know who I fucked last night is worse than self admittance.
"Uh yeah I know. Not my best moment."
Madge sighs and runs her hand through her hair, motioning me to the car. She walks around to the passenger's side and climbs in, giving me no choice but to follow. I slide in, place my keys in the ignition, but don't turn them.
"Madge we can skip class but not until you tell me why."
She rubs her eyes, like I've seen my mom do when she realizes she spent all our bill money on mediums and other ridiculous shit.
"Katniss, there are pictures. He took pictures and I'm pretty sure I heard there was a video."
I stare at her for a few long minutes. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Taking a deep breath I turn my car on and drive off of campus.
That night, after seeing the pictures and the video thanks to a facebook group called "Katniss Gone Wild", I over dose on roxies. When I wake up a few days later in the mental ward of the local hospital, my mom can't look at me. She never really does again.
Those moments are all I can think about on the drive to Chaff's house. After I was finally allowed out of the ward I talked my mom into letting me finish my courses at the online school in town, where I only had to go in to take tests. I haven't really seen anyone from high school besides Madge since. I didn't really give them a chance to humiliate me in person like I knew they wanted.
Looks like they're about to get it, and Peeta has a front row seat.
When we finally get to the house I quickly realize there is no parking. There isn't even really a place for me to sit in my car to honk the horn. Sighing, I find parking down the street. After I turn my car off, Peeta and I sit in silence for a few moments before he speaks up.
"Ok on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is bad in Katniss land? Just so I'm prepared." He doesn't look pissed that I left him with such a cliffhanger, and his silence on the drive wasn't disconcerting, especially since he spent the drive with his hand on my neck, smoothing the hair there. He was giving me space and some time. Because he's literally a perfect human being. Out of all the things about my past I don't want him to know, this may rank in the top three. Sighing, I twist in my seat and look at him, the concern etched on his face nearly causing me to tear up because that's apparently the type of person I am now.
"Well it depends I guess. I just….." I sigh and look out the window trying to rein it in. I really need to get it the fuck together if I'm about to walk into this house full of people I literally hoped to never see again.
I finally look back at him and bring my hands up to my face, rubbing it to try and make myself speak.
"After my dad and Prim died, I kind of lost it. Not in a fun movie way or anything, but I started to party and drink and do drugs because I just didn't care anymore."
"Didn't care about what?" Peeta's hand is on my thigh now, encouraging me to go on. I stare at it because I can't look at him while I tell him any of this.
"I don't know. Living? I just wanted to do shit that would make it easier I guess. And it was easier to not remember doing things than to try and work through it all. So I drank and I started sleeping around. Fuck, I really didn't want to have to tell you this."
I feel his hand under my chin, forcing me to look up, and when I do I'm met with the most sincere look I may have ever seen another person emit from their eyes. Or maybe I'm just putting it there because it's what I want to see.
"Katniss I already told you, I don't care who you've slept with or how many people you've slept with. It's not like I'm some precious virgin, I've had my fair share of one night stands."
I can't help the laugh I let out at his words. I don't know what he means by fair share, but I doubt its anywhere close to the impressive number I've racked up over the years.
"Ok, but remember that promise when I tell you this next part." He nods silently and I take a deep breath in order to continue, because dragging this out means I have a few more moments where he cares about me and wants to be with me, and I want to revel in that feeling for as long as I can.
"My senior year of high school, I hooked up with this guy and he fucking taped it. I didn't know about it but the kids I went to high school made this Facebook group with all the pictures and video and it was the fucking worst. I guess it was the straw that broke the camels back in my downward spiral because I OD'd on pills the same night but I obviously survived. Eventually I left school and finished the year online because I couldn't handle the shit they would have said."
Peeta's hand has stopped its comforting movement on my thigh and when I meet his gaze his eyes are blue steel, and not the zoolander kind. I fucking knew it. No one wants to date someone with this much fucked up shit in their baggage.
"And these people at this house, they made that group and spread that shit? Is the guy who videoed it in there?"
Well okay, that was not the question I was expecting. More like "Can you tell me the address so the cab knows where to get me?" I furrow my eyebrows and place my hand on his.
"Uh the kids definitely are. In some cruel twist of fate like half of my senior class decided to come to school here. As for the guy, I don't know, but he's Chaff's best friend and his girlfriend's brother so maybe? I don't know I haven't kept up with any of them."
"Why the fuck is Madge at a party with them?" Peeta looks pissed and not at me, and I'm really fucking confused. He is mad at the people at the party, which was not what I was expected and now he's asking the question I never let myself ask. Why does she still hang out with these people?
"I don't know. I mean she graduated with them, and some of them are alright. She's not like me, people like her, she's capable of having more than one friend."
Before I know it Peeta's hands are on my face, forcing direct eye contact.
"You are perfect. Don't talk about yourself like you aren't. You have more than one friend, you just have good taste in them. A few good friends is a fuck ton better than a bunch of shitty ones."
Well that's some perspective.
"Ok, but don't be mad at Madge. Seriously, I couldn't handle it if my boyfriend hated my best friend."
Shit. I just called him my boyfriend; we have just been dating for a few hours. I'm going to seem like I'm the clingiest person in the world and really it's the exact opposite. I hate words. They are the worst especially when you say them and they don't mean what you want them to mean. Luckily, Peeta flashes a grin at me instead of looking at me like the bat shit crazy person I am.
"I promise, your boyfriend doesn't hate your best friend. Actually I like her a lot. I know she's been there for you when no one else has. I couldn't possible hate her."
I roll my eyes as he continues to grin, probably happy he got me to call him my boyfriend. That smirk of his is going to be the death of me in the long run, I know it.
Holy fuck. The long run? What the actual shit Everdeen. I really need to talk to Madge. Unfortunately that means I have to go save her from this party. Sighing I open my door and Peeta follows suit, jogging to join me as I begin to walk to the house party.
"Let's get this shit over with and go home." I say, not particularly to anyone, but Peeta's arm comes up around my shoulders protectively, and I wrap mine around his waist, instinctively laying my head on his chest as we walk. He kisses the top of my head.
"Don't worry. No one can touch you. Except for me. I can touch you."
I laugh out loud at his obvious attempt to calm me, surprised that it's working.
"Yes, you can touch me, but not until we get back to the apartment." We finally make our way to the door, pushing past some girl puking by the steps (oh how many times that has been me), and without knocking Peeta throws it open.
Inside the house smells musky; I can practically see the steam that comes from having a hundred people crammed in a 3-person house rolling out of the door as we walk in. The smell of spilt liquor and beer is pungent. To our right a beer pong table has been set up and people are piled around it, which is to be expected. People are sitting on sporadically placed chairs, while others stand huddled in different groups. Two guys are fighting for control of the Ipod supplying the music for the party, and I quickly glance around to see how many of these faces are familiar ones. Cringing, I realize there are more than I would want.
I have literally walked into my worst nightmare, my own personal living hell. Luckily for me I happen to be wrapped around a 6 foot something tall well built man with eyes that look like they could rip anyone to pieces at the moment. Peeta has taken protecting me to a level I'm surprisingly comfortable with. The only people glancing our way are girls eyeing him, and dudes who quickly look away when he notices them. Maybe I'll make it out of this in one piece.
"Holy fuck that cannot be who I think it is."
Or maybe not.
My eyes dart to the left, my unprotected side, quickly, as I see a blonde girl staring at me like I just rose from the grave Lazarus style. Lura Clayton. Sarah Lawson's best friend. Fuck me in the ass twice.
I ignore her the best I can as Peeta and I try to make our way through the crowd to the couches Madge is most likely at, but Lura's hand on my arm stops us. Shit is she on steroids? When I finally look at her face I realize she's more likely on coke because she looks like a 2010 Lindsay Lohan wannabe. Her eyes are wide, and there's a grin on her face that doesn't at all look like she's hoping to catch up on old times. More like she's finally going to get to say whatever it is these shit holes have been waiting to say for the past 3 and a half years.
"I'm sorry did I invite you to touch all over my arm?" Maybe being a bitch from the get go isn't my best plan but I know what's coming and I have no desire to supply this bitch with any fake sincerity. I'm not about to waste that energy on her.
I can feel Peeta's grip on my shoulder tighten as he assesses the situation unfolding in front of us. I can see Sarah Lawson surrounded by girls I don't know as Lura (whose hand is still on my arm) gestures wildly to her to come and see. Fuck everything in the world that ever led to this moment.
"Still the same Katniss Everdeen aren't you? Don't like being touched unless it's by some guy." Lura sneers at me. By now my stare has shifted to her hand which is still somehow on my arm, and as I am considering the many things I could do to have it forcibly removed, biting it not completely off the option list yet, I hear Sarah's voice.
"Well look what the cat dragged in." She is standing next to Lura now, her face smug. I might as well throw myself into the ring.
"Seriously? That's the best line you could come up with? A better one would have been 'Well heavens almighty look what we have here!' It's much more dramatically satisfying since I assume that's what you were going for." I hear Peeta snort behind me, obviously enjoying what happens to me when my hackles are raised, and Sarah looks shocked I would say something like that to her. Mostly because I never really spoke to anyone when I was in school.
Sarah's features smooth over quickly, shock replaced by what I can only describe as "bitch face."
"Well you've definitely gotten more sassy haven't you? And tell me, do you know the name of this one?" She nods to Peeta before actually addressing him. "Hey handsome, I'd be careful around this one. Don't want to catch something."
Before Peeta can respond, which I know he wants to do, I hear myself doing so.
"Actually you little fuck twat, this is my boyfriend. Now how about instead of jumping to assumptions we end this nice little class reunion so I can get the fuck out of here?" I tug on Peeta's shirt with the hand I have wrapped around his waist, as to indicate my readiness to make a fucking beeline to the couch, but Sarah, the cunt that she is, decides to continue on with the humiliation parade.
"Oh please Katniss. No one believes this guy is your boyfriend. He's much too good looking and with your record I sincerely doubt anyone wants to be in a relationship with you. So blue eyes, what's your name? Want a drink?"
It's a good thing I don't carry a gun because killing her is a temptation even without one. I'm ready to fucking bury her when I hear Peeta speak.
"Wow babe you weren't kidding. She is a cunt."
I turn to Peeta quickly, my face probably one of pure shock. Not only did I not say that to him, but he just referred to me as babe. He's playing all of the pressure points I would want him too but would never ask. I have the biggest urge to just throw him against a wall and have my way with him, and he must be able to tell because as he looks at me, his smirk plays across his face.
"Excuse me?"
I turn to face Sarah and Lura again, sighing loudly.
"Seriously? Can we just go back to never talking to each other? Do you remember how nice that was?"
As the words leave my mouth, I watch as a tall muscular douche walks up behind Sarah and Lura, a grin plastered across his face. If there is proof that whatever god there is hates me, the fact that Chaff has seen me is absolute proof of it.
"Holy shit. If it isn't Pawnees own little home video porn star."
"See Sarah? Much better than 'Look what the cat dragged in'". I might as well go for gold if I'm going to suffer some public humiliation. It works because I get Sarah's ears to turn red at the top, and I've decided on a new game. How long until I can get both ears entirely red?
"Hey dude, watch what you fucking say." Peeta's voice is hard, and his grip on me changes, as he shifts to stand by my side, dropping his arm from around me, instead moving to stand slightly in front of me.
"Who the fuck are you?" Chaff is obviously drunk as shit, and sizing Peeta up. I'm pretty sure he is too drunk to realize Peeta would probably murder him in a fight.
"That's her boyfriend apparently." Lura speaks up, and I can't help but smirk a little. Same as high school. The constant third wheel.
Chaff's demeanor changes almost immediately, his smile growing wider by the second.
"Well dude, I'm sure you can appreciate what I'm talking about! I mean, they way those tits bounce is a sight to behold. Not the mention many girls do not know how to ride a man like that if you know what I mean." Chaff winks at Peeta, slapping a hand on his shoulder, and like that the steady tension that I've felt rising in Peeta seems to snap.
In mere seconds, Peeta has pushed Chaff backwards, into the wall behind him, and has his elbow placed against Chaff's throat. Chaff tries wildly to do anything to escape or to hurt Peeta, but Peeta has his knee placed on the inside of Chaff's thigh, making it hard for him to get any leverage to free himself. I've never seen Peeta this angry or this dangerous.
All of a sudden Madge appears at my side, having heard the commotion like the rest of the party.
"Holy shit Kat, what's going on."
"Chaff brought up the video." Is all I say to her, my eyes never leaving the two men in front of me.
"You may think it's real fucking funny to joke around about some douche that videos a girl without asking her but I don't think its funny, especially when that girl is my girlfriend. I could fucking kill you right now you pussy, do you understand that?"
Peeta is grinding his elbow into Chaff's throat, whose face is turning red as he wildly nods. I see Peeta take a few deep breaths before letting go of Chaff and backing away, before turning to me, a wild look in his eyes. I begin to walk towards him, to pull him out of here because it's obvious something really bad is going on in his head right now, but Chaff being the idiot he is, decides to retaliate rather than admit defeat. He punches Peeta in the back, and I watch as all the color on Peeta's face drains before turning red, his eyes so dark they almost look black.
He turns on Chaff, dodging the next punch before rearing back and hitting him so hard that Chaff falls to the ground. Peeta is on him in an instant, rearing back to hit him again, when I finally snap into action. Just as Peeta is landing a third punch on Chaff's already impressively bloody face, I reach him, placing my hands on his back.
Putting my hands on his shoulders I tug him lightly, carefully leaning forward to his ear.
"Peeta come on, he's not worth it. I've got Madge we can go. Please." My last plea seems to break him out of whatever trance he was in, and jerking himself backwards he scrambles off of Chaff, who sits up immediately and beings mopping the blood off of his face. Peeta stands shakily and I am at his side immediately, my arm wrapped around his waist once again, my other on his stomach, as I begin to lead him outside.
Thank god no cops showed up. As Madge, Peeta and I walk out the door I hear a girl say something that makes me smile. It was something along the lines of "It's time somebody put that asshole down." I couldn't agree more, but Peeta is shaking in my arms and I'm more than a little concerned about him right now. Maybe that person shouldn't have been Peeta.
We're all silent as we walk towards my car, and I pull my keys out of my pocket.
"Madge I know you're drunk but can you drive?"
She nods enthusiastically, her eyes full of worry, bouncing between Peeta and I as I put him in the back seat and run to the other side. As she drives I sit in the back next to Peeta, my hands on his face, smoothing the hair out of his eyes, as he seems to break apart in front of me.
When we pull into the apartment complex I hear Madge on the phone with Delly, probably seeing if she can crash there. That girl deserves a medal for knowing when to give people their space. We climb the stairs in silence, Madge and I sharing a look that ensures we will talk tomorrow as I lead Peeta inside my place. When I close the door I can hear Delly asking Madge what happened, but thankfully I don't hear a response.
Leading Peeta to my bedroom, I sit him down on my bed, before going about collecting bandages and peroxide to clean his knuckles with. He sits silently as I clean his hands, his normally expressive blue eyes dull and lifeless. When I'm finished I sit next to him, pulling him up to the headboard next to me, where he finally breaks his stone like mode.
His head comes to rest on my chest, and I rest my nose in his hair, wrapping my arms around him the best I can. These roles had been reversed a little over a day and a half ago, and I wasn't sure what it really meant. Now as I am sitting here holding this beautiful broken boy, who I just saw live out his nightmare, I feel a surge of protectiveness. My resolve is wavering so quickly but at this moment I can't over think it. He consumes me right now, more so than he did before. He told me he was broken, as broken as I am, but until tonight there had been no signs. We had a lopsided affair, focusing on my problems, my turmoil, but maybe that's why he's allowing me to comfort him right now. The fact that he knows I'm not going to run away scared from this. How could I? It's tearing me apart to feel him sobbing against my chest. But I can't help but think that if he is somehow the only person who has been able to really help me, maybe I can help him. Maybe we can both get better together.
"Katniss, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He finally breaks his silence, between heaving sobs, and I feel my own eyes watering at how fucking broken he sounds. It's tearing my heart apart.
I kiss the top of his head before responding.
"Peeta you have nothing to be sorry for." I say, repeating his words to me from when he comforted me after my nightmare.
"I could have hurt you. If I had hurt you I would have never…." His words dissolve into more body wracking sobs, and I cling to him as hard as I can.
"You didn't hurt me, and while we're on the subject, I believe, I truly believe you would never hurt me. You had control until Chaff pushed you. He hit you first."
He is silent at my words, working on controlling himself for a few minutes, before bringing his head off of my chest. He leans back against the headboard next to me, and I turn my body to face him, my hand on his chest. He looks up at the ceiling as if he is looking for answers up there, before he takes a deep breath to speak.
"I promised myself I wouldn't lose it like that ever again."
I wind my arm around his, laying my head on his shoulder.
"I don't think it really works like that." I mumble.
"I wish it did."
"Me too."
"I'm so tired of this shit. It makes me feel like a monster." I lift my head off of his shoulder, crawling into his lap.
"You are the furthest thing from a monster, Peeta. I know real life monsters, and you are definitely not one." He sighs deeply, resting his head on mine.
"What if I lose control around you? I know you say it won't happen but what if it did?"
"You won't." I can tell he is surprised at the finality in my tone when I answer, and frankly so am I. "You won't because you haven't given up on trying to keep control. When you give up and don't care is when you lost complete control."
"Is that what happened with you?" His voice is barely a whisper, he's afraid to ask such an intimate question I guess. Did I give up? Yeah. A long time ago and I've been spiraling in and out of the fucking depths since. Swallowing the lump in my throat I answer, barely audible.
"Yes."
He shifts our bodies, until we are lying down facing each other, wrapped around each other, the closeness something we both need badly.
"Do you want to start trying again?"
Do I? I don't even remember what it's like to give a shit, which is probably why the emotions Peeta brings out of me surprise me at every turn. Because I care, and I have a reason, for the first time in a long fucking time.
"Yeah, I guess I do. It's scary as shit though."
His hand comes to rest on my face as we lay there, his forehead pressing against mine.
"Yeah I know but I'll be here."
The strangest part of that is that I know he will be. I've barely known him for a month but already I can't imagine a day without him. And instead of scaring me shitless because of this need for him I've somehow developed, the only scary thing is the idea of losing him. I can never lose him. I don't think I'd survive it.
I nudge my forehead more firmly against his, taking his shirt in my hands, pulling my body as close to his as I possibly can. Not being close to him right now isn't an option, my body is craving it, and my mind needs it. Not it. Him.
I kiss him softly, a soft sound emitting from the back of my throat. Peeta's hand snakes up around my backside, and as the kiss slowly builds my leg hitches around his hip, pressing us together fully.
Maybe it wasn't time that I needed before I could be with Peeta. It was a grasp on what it is that he is to me. Or the self-realization that I'm falling for him. That I'm falling in love with him so quickly. That I need him like I need air.
The kiss builds slowly, our mouths finally parting open to deepen the kiss as we both breathe in through our noses for air. It's as if we can't part, as if even breathing is a hindrance. My hands release his shirt, opting to weave themselves into Peeta's hair as I use my leg that is hitched over his to roll us over so he is on top of me.
As our tongues meet, Peeta's hand slides down, hitching my leg up higher around his waist as he begins to grind slowly into me. I moan into his mouth, a high-pitched needy sound, as our tongues slowly work over each other. This kiss isn't urgent; it's patient, full of need and care. This is like nothing I have ever experienced and I have never been so fucking turned on.
I slowly work my hands from Peeta's hair down his back, to the end of his shirt, tugging on it. Taking the hint, he sits up, his eyes never leaving mine, before he slowly takes it off, tossing it on the floor beside the bed. My hands act on their own accord as they reach up and run themselves over his torso, my eyes drawn to that fucking happy trail of his like a magnet, until I rediscover his eyes.
My hands come to rest on his hips, done with their exploration, while his come to rest at the edge of my shirt, his eyes asking me if he can continue. Sitting up, we take my shirt off together, and I reach around slowly to take off my bra. I hate bras anyways, I don't like wearing them, and I'm especially upset at their existence now when I could already be unclothed instead of having to deal with this shit.
Once it's off Peeta and I sit, breathing heavily, taking in what it is that's happening.
Well Peeta's eyes are more so taking in my tits, but that is more than okay with me. They're small so I'm glad he likes them or seems to.
Once Peeta breaks out of his boob induced trance, his eyes come to rest on mine once again, full of what I would explain as tenderness.
"Katniss." He breathes my name. "Are you sure?"
I nod my head, and I can see Peeta swallow slowly, surely as nervous as I am.
And then my fucking mouth starts to move without my mind's consent.
"Peeta, I think I'm falling in love with you."
And it feels like everything stops.
Shit.
Wow I wish I could say I knew that's how I was going to end this chapter, but I didn't however now I'm glad I did.