This Forward was added on just before release: Sorry, this was so late; But you'll see why as soon as you read the next few lines.
I have brought torture.
I Am Sorry, Future self.
Why's this a haiku?
Disclaimer: I don't own gravity falls
I do own the stupidity of writing "The Hand That Rocks the Mabel" without Gideon.
Stupid convoluted plotlines I'm making
This will either be the death of me, or I will live forever.
Stan was getting bored of this tour.
He figured he'd close up now and sell his later tour as more comprehensive one.
"And now for the last trick, allow me to introduce to you, The Amazing Potato Sack Of Mystery(TM). Observe as-"
"Why did you say TM?" Asked the shop clerk of that magic shop with cheap prices.
"Because" Stan answered. "The last time I didn't say TM, Some guys tried to copy me, trademark it themselves, and sue me. I tried to sue them for Trademark Infringement, but as it was pending, they got away."
All the dumb tourists are amazed, say things to make him feel better and give him lots of money because he quote unquote deserved it.
Then, Stan continued his trick: "Thank you all. Now, for the last trick, observe as when this bag is filled with money, a potato appears!"
Amazed at this, the tourists stuff the sack full of money and are even more amazed when Stan pulls a potato from behind his back.
"Thank you all for coming! and see you on the afternoon tour!" Stan says, leading them back to the gift shop while doing so. While most of the people left, one man stayed.
The magic shop clerk:
"No, Seriously, Why did you say TM?"
"I got fined for selling a modified mousetrap as a dream catcher under the term "Patent Pending", which is apparently illegal to use if the patent isn't pending, so I submitted it for a patent, and while doing that I found out how easy it is to copyright and stuff, so I just did it to ensure my best ideas weren't copied, and then I did it to all my ideas, and it just went on from there."
"Oh."
"Why did you want to know anywho? In fact, why did you even come here, Uh... Magic shop clerk guy"
"Wyrd Specemen. And I was just curious."
"Weird? Are you named weird? Hey, You're Named Weird!"
"It's Norse for personal destiny or Fate"
"So the fate of a creature?"
"Specemen like specere, Latin for look- And before you ask, my middle name is komes like komeo, greek for order, So my full name is either 'To order fate to look' or 'To look for order in Fate', both having meanings that basically ask for a good destiny for me."
-Time Skip-
"Guys!" Soos interjects "look at this commercial, it's like there's supposed to be someone in it, but there is no one!"
"interesting" Notes Dipper.
"I know!" Shouts Mabel excitedly "We should stop by that tent to see what's up."
Stan, obviously, interjects: "Forget that lousy commercial, I just found out the idiot I buy all my groceries from has the stupidest name since... Uh, Someone with a stupid name. So let's go laugh at him"
"FYI" Mabel Supplies, "I find a commercial without someone it's supposed to have more interesting."
"Never!" Stan yells, "You're forbidden from entering that tent. No one that lives under my roof is allowed under... Wait, Why am I so against a tent? Huh, I dunno. It's like some kinda Deus ex mach-"
"NOPE," Dipper shouts, walking out of the room the way someone who's given up on life would, "Nope, I'm out. I'M OUT! OUT!"
-Time Skip-
Bud Gleeful had a way with words.
"Step right up there, folks. Put your money in this random basket I found on the floor but feel required to use for asking for your money, Like some kinda Deus ex Machina is using his powers to force me into this."
All the dumb tourists are amazed, say that they felt that way too and give him lots of money because he quote unquote deserved it.
"Alright guys, Welcome to this tent In the middle of the forest!"
Everyone cheers. and cheers some more. Mabel and Soos, the only ones unaffected by this, ponder why they just spent 5$ to go see an empty stage.
A boring stage
A really really completely empty stage
And then everyone starts clapping
As if a Deus ex Machina made them...
Mabel was, however, yet an unbeliever.
She wanted her pony.
-Time Skip-
"Dipper stared intensely into the pond.
Dipper did not ponder life.
Dipper did not ponder God.
Dipper did not feed his Pitt Cola addiction.
Dipper was silent.
Dipper should Shut up and stop talking to himself in the third person."
AS you can see from Dipper's incessant muttering, He was trying to reason out the whole 'Deus ex Machina' Thing. After hours and hours and hours of decoding what Wax Stan said, The only really helpful thing he got out of it was that this, being a completely separate incident, had a completely different cause.
That was completely unhelpful, which was why Dipper Was freaking out next to the lake feeding his Pitt Cola addiction.
"Maybe Dipper can find a mathematical solution to his problems!" Dipper cackled to himself happily, as if already insane.
-Time Skip-
"Let's review the evidence dawg," Soos said, moving his styrofoam finger so as to point to segment one; "One, God-"
"No, not God. God would have given me my pony." Mabel stated with conviction
"Okay. Then, One, Some kind of mysterious force- Oh hey isn't there a song called that?"
"Oh yeah. Hey, we should sing it!"
"Wait, No. Mabel, could you stop encouraging me? I need to learn better focus."
"Soos, You are literally a ghost."
"Touche. Anyway, a mysterious force seems to be making people do stuff they have no reason to do. Two, it is within physical possibility for them to be doing said action, making it seem to be missing persons or people. Or things. Three, that despite the vanishment of those persons, people, or things, It wants certain events in this summer to happen, Like Mabel getting a white stallion-"
"Even if it was a pony, I would not reconcile that easy."
"Mabel finding a lobster in the aquarium. Mabel having a snazzy bird land on her shoulder and invite her to a dance with nobody. Me Having a random sudden dislike of a repair guy. And finally, Mabel surprising Dipper three-foot long nail extensions."
"Heh, I don't know if me yelling boo at him or me telling him it was an act of Deus Ex Machina which scared him more."
"Yeah, that was down dawg."
With that, the conversation temporarily halted, Soos and Mabel looked at their ConspiracyBoard (TM). (They borrowed it from Dipper)
It, in true conspiracy fashion, was covered in evidence and red tape.
Unfortunately, while they had a conspiracy board, they lacked a conspiracy nut.
Dipper was calculating the mathematical sum of the universe,
McGucket was... doing his own thing
Uh... A different conspiracy nut was also out of the picture.
Uh... Well, they didn't know any more nuts
They were just plain out of nuts.
Luckily, Stan came to the rescue.
"Guys! Look! I just fleeced a guy into giving me a 10-pound sack of assorted nuts!"
Mabel had a practical answer: "What do you need 10 pounds of nut for, and can I have about three of those bags?"
Soos had a question: "Are there any conspiracy nuts in there?"
Mabel was astounded: "SOOS! You're a GENIUS!"
Stan was, of course, confused: "Conspiracy Nuts? Like that weird shop guy? I mean, he was telling me how he hoards shoes in his basement in case of the Apocolypse. Yup, none of those nuts in this bag."
Soos had another question: "Mr. Pines, don't you hoard brown meat in case of the apocalypse?"
Mabel had another answer: "Soos That's it! Grunkle Stan is a conspiracy nut!"
-Time Skip-
Wyrd was polishing his counter at the magic shop, When he suddenly felt that he almost had been called to adventure, but then wasn't, and would probably never be.
Almost like some sort of Deus Ex Machina stopped him...
He decided to stop using the crystal ball before noon and went back to polishing his counter.
-Time Skip-
"Are you sure this will help, Grunkle Stan?" Mabel asked hesitantly. She wasn't sure how watching people walk down Main Street was going to help.
"I'm positive, kid. Now, Soos should be here any moment. If something is gonna happen, it's gonna be when he arrives." Stan says, still crouching in the bushes.
Suddenly, a BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR appeared. "This is the MOMENT," Stan whispered to Mabel "Hand Me the shotgun"
"I can't; I ate it when it turned into bologna"
"You ate i- Wait, It turned into bologna?"
"Yeah."
Then the alligator left.
-Time Skip-
Dipper had finally determined the variable 'Q'.
"Actually, I determined the variable A58. Remember, There are more than 26 variables in this equation. The alphabet only has twenty-six letters."
Well, You googled 41 of the answers, meaning YOU determined A17 at the least, And I still say you should go through the mathematical alphabets by order, putting you at the English Q.
"Either way, I only need 38 more to go. Now, where is my calculator?"
-Time Skip-
"Are you sure this will work?" Mabel asks, pacing nervously.
Stan laughs nonchalantly as he doodles some more StanBucks: "Kid, the only way this'd work better is if you did it, but you didn't want to, remember?"
"I thought you said it was dangerous?"
"Well, No risk, no reward. And in this case, the reward is stopping all these Deus Ex Machina moments. But don't go back on your decision now; Soos is probably almost done."
As if a sign, the high noon sun now starts to set, darkening the atmosphere.
Soos walks out the gaping hole in reality (What, You didn't know there was one on Main Street?), oblivious to the mood: "Guys! I got a good feeling about talking to nothing. I think everything is going to go back to normal! Hopefully, Fingers crossed. Oh. Huh. It's hard to cross your fingers as a ghost."
-Time Skip-
*Phone Noises*
"Welcome to the Mystery Shack, Mr. Mystery Speaking" Stan said causally
Mabel didn't usually pay attention to Stan when he took a call.
She wished she had.
"I'll be on Forest road in an hour."
-Time Skip: 3 Hours-
When They heard Stan scream, it was too late.
Too late for everything.
Too late for him
Too late for his hopes
Too late for his dreams
Too late for his family
All of it.
It was too late for his future.
And he hadn't gotten millions yet.
Then, Soos was swallowed by a tear in space-time
-Time Rift-
Stan was getting bored of this tour.
He figured he'd close up now and sell his later tour as more comprehensive one.
"And now for the last trick, allow me to introduce to you, The Amazing Potato Sack Of Mystery(TM). Observe as-"
"Why did you say TM?" Asked Wyrd
"Because" Stan answered. "The last time I didn't say TM, Some guys tried to copy me, trademark it themselves, and sue me. I tried to sue them for Trademark Infringement, but as it was pending, they got away."
All the dumb tourists are amazed, say things to make him feel better and give him lots of money because he quote unquote deserved it.
THEN, Stan continued his trick: "Thank you all. Now, for the last trick, observe as when this bag is filled with money, a potato appears!"
Amazed at this, the tourists stuff the sack full of money and are even more amazed when Stan pulls a potato from behind his back.
"Thank you all for coming! and see you on the afternoon tour!" Stan says, leading them back to the gift shop while doing so.
-Time Skip-
Dipper and Mabel were having a jolly good time sitting down watching T.V.
Well, Dipper was reading in front of the TV and Mabel was balancing a book on her nose.
Suddenly, despite being propelled to say it by some sorta Deus Ex Machina, Dipper holds in a comment about an interesting commercial that just aired.
Mabel never even notices it. She's too engrossed in book-balancing.
Look, I'm sorry this took forever. I never forgot about it, I just procrastinated. And when I worked on it, well, ...I just wrote a "The Hand that Rocks the Mabel" without the main antagonist. It was hard. I'm not sure if that's good or not, but Spoiler Alert, The next chapter is the whole time-travel confuse-a-thon. I know, Short build up, But... I feel I'm running out of characters. That's probably a valid fear, as I Don't have Soos, Wendy, That one place on Main Street, Gideon, ... Oh. Well, Four things. In two chapters. Hmm... Nevermind. The confuse-a-thon can wait a bit.
Also, I'm constantly going back and editing old chapters, Both to better myself and to increase the chance someone reviews... it's not working, but I'm informing you, people, so well, You know why this story pops up on the most recent story page randomly sometimes. this was a long afternote.
Also, you may have noticed the start thing I did BEFORE the start thing. I told you guys the author's note was the first thing I wrote, right? Yeah, well I didn't want to fix it and it was outdated cause I wrote it like forever ago. I think I'm out of things to say now, so bye!
WAIT, No I have one more thing: I was a lot looser when sticking to the story this time around. What do you guys think? Good/Bad? Review So I can find out and be better!