The Wicked Waxworks, Chapter 3
Later, the Baudelaires checked in on Mabel in her workroom and found she had made a realistic replica of Grunkle Stan. Soos and Dipper were also there.
"Very impressive," said Violet.
"I concur," said Klaus.
"Greepy!" said Sunny.
Mabel said, "I think... it needs more glitter."
"Agreed," said Soos, giving Mabel a bucket of glitter to throw over the figure.
Stan walked in. "I found my pants but now I'm missing my..."
He saw Wax Stan, yelled, and fell over backwards. In a moment he was back on his feet with a grin.
"What do you think?" asked Mabel.
"I think... the Wax Museum's back in business!" said Stan.
They all helped with the grand re-opening of the Wax Museum. Violet invented a set of extensible grippers to help put up banners. Klaus distributed fliers. Soos acted as a guide to arrivals. Dipper worked the ticket table with Wendy, and Sunny was there to punch tickets with her teeth.
Dipper said, "I can't believe this many people showed up."
"I know, right? Your uncle probably bribed them or something," said Wendy.
Dipper said, "He bribed me," and held up a dollar.
Wendy held up another dollar and they both laughed.
Sunny frowned and said, "Titewid!" meaning, "Stan was stingy and considered me too young to bribe."
Stan stood on the stage with a microphone, with a covered figure beside him.
"You all know me, folks! Town darling, 'Mr. Mystery.' Please, ladies, control yourselves!" said Stan at the mike.
The women in the audience did not appear to be impressed.
"As you know, I always bring the people of this fair town novelties and befuddlements, the likes of which the world, has never known. But enough about me. Behold... me!" said Stan, uncovering Wax Stan.
Soos made fanfare and cheering sounds on his keyboard. Two people in the audience clapped and someone coughed.
Stan said, "And now a word from our own Mabelangelo!"
"It's Mabel," said Mabel, taking the mike. "Thank you for coming! I made this sculpture with my own two hands! It's covered in my blood, sweat, tears, and other fluids!"
The audience made disgusted sounds.
Mabel said, "Yeah. I will now take questions! You there!"
"Old Man McGucket, local kook. Are the wax figures alive? And follow-up question, can I survive the wax-man uprising?"
Mabel said, "Um...Yes! Next question!"
"Toby Determined, Gravity Falls Gossiper. Do you really think this constitutes a wonder of the world?"
"Your microphone's a turkey baster, Toby," said Stan.
"It certainly is," said Toby sadly, putting down the baster he held in his left hand.
"Next question," said Stan.
"Shandra Jimenez, a real reporter. Your fliers promised free pizza with admission to this event. Is this true?"
The audience began to murmur and complain about the lack of pizza, which was clearly promised on the fliers.
"That was a typo. Good night, everyone!" said Stan, throwing a smoke bomb to escape with the admissions money.
"Oh-oh." said Klaus, regretting that he had helped distribute false advertising.
Everyone left unhappy.
A large, bearded man with a t-shirt reading "Free Pizza" left, looking sad.
Manly Dan the lumberjack punched a pole. "In your face!"
"I think that went well," said Mabel.
Later in the Mystery Shack, Stan was counting the money.
"Hot pumpkin pie! Look at all this cash! And I owe it all to one person, this guy!" said Stan, pointing to Wax Stan.
Mabel gave him a playful punch.
"Ooh!" said Stan, giving her a noogie. "Yeah, you too, ya little gremlin. Now you kids wash up. We got another long day of fleecing rubes tomorrow. Go, go!"
The Baudelaires were just settling down for the night when they heard a scream. "No... No... Noooooo!"
They ran to Stan, and so did Dipper and Mabel.
"Wax Stan!" said Stan. "He's been... m-murdered!"
Wax Stan lay on the floor, decapitated (a word which here means "with his head cut off").
Mabel fainted.
Stan tried to explain the situation to Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland.
"Don't count on them for anything," Violet whispered to Dipper and Mabel. "They really messed up when we were accused of counterfeiting."
"I got up to use the john, right?" said Stan. "And when I come back, blammo! He's headless!"
"My expert handcrafting... besmirched. Besmiiiirrrched!" said Mabel, crying.
"Who would do something like this?" asked Dipper.
"What's your opinion, Sheriff Blubs?" said Durland.
"Look, we'd love to help you folks, but let's face the facts... this case is unsolvable," said Blubs.
"What?!" cried Dipper, Mabel and Stan.
The Baudelaires just looked on calmly, since they had expected this.
"You take that back, Sheriff Blubs!" said Stan.
"You're kidding, right? There must be evidence, motives. You know, I could help if you want," said Dipper.
"He's really good. He figured out who was eating our tin cans!" said Mabel.
"All signs pointed to the goat," said Dipper.
"Yeah, yeah! Let the boy help. He's got a little brain up in his head," said Stan. "My grand-niece Violet and grand-nephew Klaus are pretty sharp, too."
"Meetoo!" said Sunny, showing her teeth.
"Oooh! Would you look at what we got here! City boys and girls think they're gonna solve a mystery with their fancy computer phones!" said Blubs.
"City boooy! City booooooy!" mocked Durland.
"You are adorable!" said Blubs.
"Adorable?" aked Dipper, turning red.
Blubs and Durland laughed at him.
"Look, P.J.'s, how about you leave the investigating to the grown-ups, okay?" said Blubs.
"Attention, all units. Steve is about to fit an entire cantaloupe in his mouth. Repeat, an entire cantaloupe!" said a voice on Blub's walkie-talkie.
"It's a 23-16!" said Durland.
"Let's move!" said Blubs.
Blubs and Durland ran off, still laughing.
"Keestone," said Sunny, which meant, "We told you the police would be useless."
"That's it! Mabel, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny, we are going to find the jerk who did this, and get back that head. Then we'll see who's adorable," said Dipper, sneezing.
"Aww, you sneeze like a kitten!" said Mabel, earning a glare from Dipper.
After a restless night, the children gathered again at the crime scene.
"Wax Stan has lost his head and its up to us to find it," said Dipper.
Mabel took pictures. Klaus took notes. Violet made sketches. Sunny made angry bite marks on the chair.
"There were a lot of unhappy customers at the unveiling. The murderer could have been anyone," said Dipper.
"Yeah! Even us!" said Mabel.
"There's another possibility," said Klaus. "Count Olaf. He murdered some of our guardians before. What if he mistook Wax Stan for the real one in the dark?"
"I doubt anyone would make that mistake," said Dipper.
"Bite your tongue, bro-bro," said Mabel. "I made a perfect likeness."
"Except for the glitter," said Dipper. "But anything is possible in this town, even zombies, if that journal you showed me is true, Klaus."
"We ran into some ghastly gnomes," said Violet with a shudder. "They tried to kidnap me."
"Couldn't they have just been a gang of midget kidnappers?" asked Mabel.
"Rainbarf," said Sunny, which meant, "It takes supernatural powers to vomit a rainbow."
"I guess we just have to keep an open mind, and start looking. It could be months before we find our first clue," said Dipper.
"Hey, look! A clue," said Mabel, pointing down.
"Footprints in the shag carpet!" said Dipper.
"That's weird. They've got a hole in them," said Mabel.
"A very round hole," said Violet, making a sketch of the print.
"And they're leading to..." said Dipper, finding an ax on the floor.
"Dessim?" asked Sunny, meaning, "How did everyone miss that until now?"
Violet examined it. "I know tools from my inventing work. The pattern of wear on the handle indicates that this ax belonged to a left-handed person."
Klaus said, "That's a valuable clue. I've read that only ten percent of the population is left-handed."
"Notlaf," said Sunny, meaning, "Count Olaf isn't one of them."
"True," said Violet. "I should know, because I was there when he signed a paper. I noticed Olaf was right-handed like me, though I used my left hand to sign in order to beat his evil scheme."
"That's fascinating," said Dipper. "I'd like to hear more about that later."
"Back to the mystery! We'll just check everyone who was at the opening and see who's left-handed!" said Mabel. "That should eliminate a bunch of suspects."
They took the ax into the gift shop to show Soos, and told him what they were about to do.
"So, what do you think?" asked Dipper.
"In my opinion: this is an ax," said Soos.
"Wait a minute. The lumberjack!" said Mabel.
"He would be the most likely use an ax as a weapon," said Klaus.
"He punched the pole at the opening with his right hand, but held his ax in the left," remembered Violet.
"He was furious when he didn't get that free pizza," said Dipper.
"Furious enough for murder!" said Mabel.
"Oh, you mean Manly Dan. Yeah, he hangs out at this crazy intense biker joint downtown," said Soos.
"Then that's where we're going," said Mabel.
"Dude, this is awesome. You all are like: The Mystery Gang!" said Soos.
"Don't call us that," said Dipper.
"Mystery Incorporated?" suggested Soos.
"I think that name is taken," said Violet.
Outside, they found Stan pulling a coffin out of his car.
"Hey, give me a hand with this coffin, will ya? I'm doin' a memorial service for wax Stan. Something small, but classy," said Stan.
"Sorry, Grunkle Stan, but we have got a big break in the case!" said Dipper.
"Break in the case!" said Mabel.
"We're heading to the town right now to interrogate the murderer," said Dipper.
"We have an ax!" said Mabel. She held it up and made sounds likes the screeching violins in the murder scene of Psycho, "REE REE REE REE!"
"Hmm, it seem like the kind of thing that responsible parents wouldn't want you to do... Good thing I'm an uncle. Avenge me kids!" said Stan.
"You're in loco parentis for us Baudelaires," Klaus protested.
"Yeah, this wax murder makes me a bit loco, so go on and avenge me! AVENGE MEEE!"