Over The Edge

Chapter 10

It was several hours later when Steve started clawing his way tentatively back to consciousness. The first thing he became aware of were different background noises. An annoying beeping sound, the bustle of activity and voices, muffled and indistinct. His head felt like lead and his eyelids each felt like they weighed a ton. There was a painful throbbing behind his right ear which was vibrating through his entire head and giving him an unmerciful headache. He struggled to open the heavy lids and only managed in the end to force them open just a crack. The bright overhead florescent lights meant he closed them just as quick as the degree of brightness caused a sharp shooting pain in his skull that seemed to temporarily worsen his already fragile state.

He gasped and shut his eyes tight in a defensive move and felt a warm hand alight on his forehead and a sweet, dulcet female voice resounded in his ear. He could only make out every few words at first but slowly the words filtered through the heaviness in his brain and her words started to make sense.

" ... Easy ... Keller ... Alright ... No sudden ... movements ... We're just ... moving ... upstairs so we're just getting ... ready for transport now. Nothing to be concerned about. Just lie still and we'll do all the work."

Her voice was soothing and comforting and he found himself wanting to put a face to the voice but he dared not attempt to open his eyes again and inflict more unnecessary pain on himself with the bright lights. He wanted to nod or say something to acknowledge her instructions but found that he couldn't get his voice to work yet. He felt a gentle, warm hand tighten around his and simply managed to squeeze it softly back in response. That was all he could manage for now. He still felt very groggy and the effort to stay awake was draining his meager energy reserves. What was happening? Why were they moving him? Why did his head hurt so much? Where was Mike?

He had so many questions flying around his mind and yet he had no answers to any of them. He heard more activity around him and noticed that the annoying beeping sound suddenly disappeared. There seemed to be a lot of people in the cubicle because he felt several hands moving around him and disconnecting things. He sucked in a breath of fearful anticipation as he felt fingers gently remove several sticky pads from his chest and felt suddenly grateful that he had never been blessed with a hairy chest. Then he startled as the bed suddenly jolted without warning and he heard the sweet voice in his right ear again, speaking softly and soothingly.

"Alright now Mr. Keller. You're ready to be moved. The bed is going to start moving now but you're in very good hands. You'll be just fine. All the best now ..."

He felt her hand release his and strangely missed the contact and the reassurance as he felt the bed now move forward and heard it clang as it hit off something metal on its way. He tried to force his eyes open again and guarding them against the light by only opening them the bare minimum he caught the last fuzzy glimpse of a red haired nurse smiling as she watched his bed leave. He forced a quick glance upwards and saw a bearded orderly behind him pushing his bed forward and to his left side there was another very young looking male orderly directing the bed and keeping it straight. There was one other nurse walking slightly ahead of the bed with her back to him and she had bright blonde hair tied up in a bun but there was no sign of Mike. Why wasn't he there and where were they taking him? He watched through slitted eyelids as they exited two double doors and seemed to arrive into a corridor. The air went from being distinctly warm to much cooler and he found himself shivering uncontrollably at the sudden temperature drop. The orderly to his left seemed to notice and pulled a warm blanket right up to his chin which helped a great deal. He watched as they passed other staff and patients in dressing gowns eyeing him sympathetically until they arrived at an elevator and he found his bed being jostled inside.

It was getting harder to keep his heavy eyes open and so he allowed them to drift closed wearily as the headache pulsed and the pain peaked momentarily causing him to emit an involuntary groan. The female nurse must have heard it and spoke to him as he felt his stomach jolt as the elevator ascended and made his stomach queasy. Her voice was not quite as sweet as the red haired nurse's had been and she spoke in a more clinical and professional tone.

"Easy Mr. Keller. We'll have you settled back in your room shortly and we'll give you something for the pain. "

His OLD room? Why had he left it in the first place? What the hell was going on?"

The fact that he had no knowledge of what was going on made him incredibly uneasy. He felt a second jolt as the elevator appeared to stop on the right floor and he felt his bed being pushed a little more quickly this time. The motion was making him feel very queasy and he forced two words past his lips and hoped that they sounded more intelligible to those escorting him, than they did to his own ears.

"Too ... fast ..."

He heard the younger of the two men chastise the other one abruptly.

"Hey man! Not so fast otherwise you're going to have him chucking up. He's already looking a little green around the gills. Slow down, will ya? It's not a race."

Steve felt his forward momentum slow considerably and felt grateful to the younger man for his intervention as his nausea thankfully abated back to a controllable level and he heard the young man address him sympathetically.

"Sorry about that man. Geoff here is a bit of a speed merchant. Especially when it's coming up to his break time."

"I AM NOT! Don't listen too him Keller. He's just too chilled for his own good."

"Will you two give it a rest please? I'm sure Mr. Keller doesn't want to listen to you two squabbling in his current state. Isn't that right Mr. Keller?"

As it so happened, Steve was faintly amused by the interactions going on around him and it was taking his mind off the fact that he wasn't sure what was going on and the fact that Mike was not around and he wasn't sure where he was. He cracked open his eyes again briefly and merely stared at the young nurse now looking very closely at him as his voice suddenly failed worryingly to work again and his headache worsened and his heavy eyelids drifted closed again of their own accord. He felt the nurse lift his left eye lid and saw her briefly shake her head worriedly before she let if fall back into place.

"Is he ok nurse? " Steve heard the younger orderly asked.

"He's not quite fully back with us, I think. That's all ... Stop here while I get his chart cleared at the desk and find out his room number."

Steve felt the bed stop moving and feeling unable to open his eyes again he listened instead for some clue as to what was going on, hoping beyond hope to hear Mike's familiar voice break through the annoying Hospital sounds that persisted around him.

The intercom came on loudly and he winced at the volume that seemed to pierce through his throbbing skull and then he heard the chitter chatter of the two men surrounding him, obviously blissfully unaware that he was not asleep but still listening to their narrative.

"What happened to this guy anyway?"

"He's a cop apparently. He rescued some kid from a cliff top and got hit by falling rocks."

"Whoa! ... COOL! ... A real life hero, huh?"

"Yeah but it's cost him. "

"Oh ... Why's that?"

"Well from what I heard he had some sort of seizure ... Developed a bleed on the brain. They had to surgically remove the blood clot ... Nasty stuff ... Let's hope he's not permanently damaged, if you know what I mean?"

"Whoa! ... That's NOT so cool man! ... I guess sometimes it doesn't pay to be a hero, hey Geoff?"

"You got that right ... I think I'll stick to being an orderly for a living ..."

Steve felt his heart rate increase as he eavesdropped on what he had missed out on. A seizure? A bleed on the brain? Surgery? Permanently damaged?

Suddenly there was too much information to process and he didn't have enough capacity to take it all in. How could he not remember any of that? The more he tried to force himself to remember, the more pain seemed to fill his head and the more panic seemed to take over his body. He felt increasingly nauseous and dizzy and felt his tentative hold on consciousness drift as the terrifying blackness caved in to take him under again just as he felt the bed begin to move again only this time the voices around him gradually faded out to silence.

The next time he came to, he felt some movement at his arm. There was a stinging sensation and his arm was throbbing and he felt momentary panic resurface as he tried to move his aching limb away from whatever was causing his discomfort. But something was holding him firm. He forced his eyes open and was relieved to see that there was much more subdued lighting than the last time he had been momentarily blinded. Looking over to the side where his left arm was sore, his eyes took a few seconds to focus but when they did, he saw a nurse bent down drawing blood from his arm into a glass vial and regretted looking in the first place as the sight brought back his nausea instantly. He shuddered and the sudden movement drew the nurse's attention as she smiled and spoke softly as she saw her patient now staring at her in alarm.

"Oh Mr. Keller ... I'm so sorry for waking you in such an awful manner but Dr. Robinson is requesting bloods ASAP so I thought I'd get them done while you were still asleep. Don't worry now. I'm just finished ... There. All done."

Steve swallowed back more bile as he watched her pull the long needle from his skin and saw her press a cotton dressing on the site of the extraction and saw it stain with blood. He felt himself come over weak and he closed his eyes as he felt the blackness begin to close in again but just as quickly he heard his name being called loudly and felt a cold cloth being draped across his forehead which succeeded in bringing him back around, dispelling the blackness that had previously threatened to engulf him seconds before.

"Oh dear ... I am terribly sorry. I forgot you were nervous about needles. Is that any better?"

The cool cloth definitely helped and he felt the nausea decrease slowly as he nodded gratefully. Staring again now at the middle aged nurse, she seemed strangely familiar. Noticing his intense and curious stare she asked tentatively.

"Mr. Keller? Do you ... recognize me?"

He continued staring at her unnervingly as if he was trying desperately to piece together an incredibly difficult jigsaw puzzle in his head. Then a faint recognition lit up his vivid green eyes and his lips began to move slowly as his faint, hoarse sounding voice finally responded to her question.

"You're ... the night nurse ..."

The nurse beamed from ear to ear at his answer and shook his surprised hand warmly.

"YES. Indeed I am ... Well done ... What ... else do you remember?"

Steve hesitated and glanced gingerly around the dimly lit Hospital room he was now in. It was the same room he had been in when he had been admitted. He felt confused. Maybe it had all been a bad dream. Maybe he hadn't moved from here at all. After all he didn't feel any different ... EXCEPT ... his head WAS a lot sorer than it had previously been.

"Mr. Keller? Are you alright? Did you hear my question?" Phyllis Collins asked becoming increasingly worried as she saw the young man's eyes widen in panic of some kind.

Steve didn't register her words as he felt the panic starting to slowly return and he lifted his right hand shakily off the bed and reached up to where his previous dressing had been behind his right ear. As soon as he felt the extra padded dressing and moved his trembling fingers across to feel the extra strapping across his head, he knew it had not been the bad dream he had hoped it was. Now feeling his heart rate quicken in his chest, he stammered almost incoherently.

"My God ... They were right ... I ... I had surgery ... Didn't I?"

Phyllis saw the young man panic and she reached forward and grabbed his left arm soothingly.

"Now, now ... Calm down Mr. Keller. Everything's alright. We don't want your vital signs getting all out of sync like they were when you came back down here from ICU earlier. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. You're doing very well ..."

ICU? Intensive care! ... A Brain bleed ... Permanently damaged ... The orderlies' recklessly discarded words from earlier came back to him vividly and it felt like they hit him right between the eyes. He stuttered again in a horrified tone.

"They were right ... Oh my God! ... They were right, weren't they?"

"WHO was right Mr. Keller? I'm afraid I don't know what you're referring to ..."

"They said I ... I had a bleed on the brain ... That I might be ... permanently damaged ..."

Steve almost choked out the last two words as the implications if that were the truth were too horrific and far-reaching for him to even begin to contemplate. Immediately Phyllis looked equally as horrified.

"MR. KELLER? ...Who told you THAT? Surely not the nurses from ICU?"

Steve shook his head gingerly and continued to stare helplessly at the shocked looking night nurse.

"No ... They ... were pushing my bed ..."

Phyllis's facial expression changed to one of extreme annoyance and she spoke in an angry tone.

"Oh THOSE TWO! ... I've had words with them before about gossiping casually around patients. Mr. Keller I can ASSURE you that you are in NO way permanently damaged at all ..."

"But they said ..."

"Mr. Keller, I've had words with them before about speaking so recklessly around patients about things they know nothing about and BELIEVE me when I say I shall be having MORE words with them about THIS ... but you MUST calm down and listen to me now. You're not thinking straight dear. If that WERE the truth then you would still be in ICU, wouldn't you? They wouldn't have sent you back here to your room where there is little or no monitoring equipment, now would they?"

Steve's stare averted as he processed her theory in his sore head and then her words made sense. Slumping back slightly against the pillows and allowing himself a brief moment of relief, he nodded agreeably.

"No ... No, I guess they wouldn't ..."

"See? I told you. You're going to be just fine and your recovery should be all the quicker now as a result of what happened earlier."

Although Steve felt decidedly more reassured by the nurse's comforting words his body was taking longer to catch up as his hands shook and his heart still raced in his chest.

"But ... I DID have a bleed on the brain?"

"Yes dear, you did. It was a blood clot and it was pressing on nerve endings in your brain. It caused the mild seizure you had this morning and it was more than likely responsible for how ill at ease you were feeling this morning and for your short term memory loss last night."

That news seemed to strike a cord with her patient as he looked up curiously at her. She could sense that he was trying to make sense of it all.

"That's why I couldn't remember simple things?"

"Yes ... You should be able to remember them now or if not now then fairly soon as things heal."

Steve went thoughtful again and his face brightened as he stared unnervingly back at her and then spoke softly and with purpose.

"I ... I live at 287 Union Street ... Mike's daughter name is ah ... Jeannie ... And my Captain's name is ... Rudy ... Rudy Olsen ... I ... I DO remember ..."

Phyllis noted faint vestiges of tears in the corner of her patient's eyes and beamed proudly at him as she patted his hand excitedly.

"Yes indeed you DO ... Well done ..."

Steve began to feel very tired. The earlier panic and worry, the lingering after effects of the anesthetic, the throbbing pain on the right side of his head and the strain of forcing his brain to remember only served to rapidly drain his already insufficient energy reserves and he wanted nothing more that to go back into a peaceful and restful sleep but there were still way too many unanswered questions that he needed the answers to. So blinking several times to stave off the weariness he spoke again uneasily.

"The ... blood clot ... Was it on the right side of my head?"

"Yes ... Under your skull where you were hit by the rock ... How did you know that? "

"It's a lot sorer there than it was before ..."

"Yes, I'm afraid it will be for a few days after the procedure but I'll get you something right away to relieve the pain so you can get back to sleep ... You look exhausted. Sleep is still the best thing for you right now young man .." she chided as she turned to go and get him some pain relief but he reached out and grabbed her arm, stopping her.

"No, no that's ok. Not yet. I ... I need to ask you some other things first ..."

Phyllis disliked the audible tremor in her patient's voice and feared that he was getting himself worked up again. He had had more than enough excitement and worry to contend with for one day and it really was important that he get more rest. She contemplated resorting to a mild sedative to calm and relax the agitated young man to ensure he got the rest he needed but before she could decide if it was necessary or not, Steve took a deep, steadying breath and asked the one question he wasn't sure he even wanted to know the answer to.

"How did they remove the ... the blood clot? I mean ... did they ... did they have to CUT my skull open?"

Phyllis could see the horror in the young man's face as he asked the question and the hint of nausea the mere thought of that provoked brought a green tinge to Steve's face. She quickly moved to reassure him.

"No dear. Don't worry. It wasn't as drastic a procedure as all that. They accessed it through the already open cut and it was minimally invasive. There will be no scar except the one already there from the cut."

Steve exhaled loudly as that worry was alleviated. He seemed to slump even further back against the pillows as the weariness washed over him again as if his body were trying to force him to sleep but there was something still bugging him. Something that he couldn't quite figure out in his current drugged and pained state.

"Why is that I can remember those other things now ... but not this morning ... Everything about today is really fuzzy ... They said I ... I had a seizure ... Wouldn't I remember something like that?"

Phyllis rested her warm hand on his chilled arm and leaned closer.

"Mr. Keller, it's quite normal for patients not to remember the seizure or anything that happened before it. Those memories probably won't return I'm afraid. What's the last thing you DO remember about this morning?"

Steve closed his eyes and tried to force his weary brain to think back. It was several more unnerving seconds before he spoke again hesitantly as if he wasn't too sure he could trust the memories he had.

"I ... I was in this room ... and ... Mike was here ... Oh my God I ... I think I tried to get out of bed ... Is that when it happened?"

"Shortly after that. You collapsed and we got you back in bed ..."

"I ... I don't remember anything after that and I don't remember much before it either ... It's all mixed up in my head ... but ..."

Phyllis saw Steve's eyes widen again and from where her hand was on his arm she felt him start to shake slightly. She heard him start to breathe a little faster and quickly moved to keep him calm.

"Mr. Keller? Whatever's the matter? ... You really shouldn't stress yourself about what you can't remember for now. You MUST rest ..."

But even as her words left her mouth Steve stared at her wide eyed and began to visibly and audibly panic.

"Oh my God ... I was yelling at Mike ... I told him to get out ... But I don't know why? I ... I think we were arguing ... I ... I can't remember ... Oh God ... Is that why he's not here? I sent him away ... DIDN'T I?"

Phyllis changed tactics and and gripped both of Steve's shoulders purposefully.

"Not that I'm aware of ... The only reason Mike isn't here is because he wasn't allowed in ICU for very long and Dr. Robinson told him you wouldn't be awake for quite a while and sent him home. "

"NO ... No, you don't understand ... I sent him away ... I ... I have to call him ... I have to tell him I'm sorry ... PLEASE ... let him call him ..."

Phyllis could see her patient getting more upset as the moments passed and she spoke more firmly and used his first name to draw his attention.

"STEVE? Listen to me ... It's one o'clock in the morning. Mike's probably fast asleep right now. You wouldn't want to go waking him up unnecessarily, now would you? He's NOT mad at you ... I can assure you of that. He was here all the time you were up in surgery and he was very worried about you. He was afraid that you'd think something was wrong when he wasn't here when you woke up ... so he left you something ..."

She succeeded in getting through to Steve and as her words sunk in, she felt him relax slightly. He looked towards the window and saw the darkness outside and then looked back at where she was and stammered emotionally.

"He did?"

Phyllis could sense that he didn't quite believe her so she released his shoulders and getting up, she walked to the other side of the room and as she turned to come back towards the bed, Steve gasped silently as he saw Mike's familiar fedora clasped in her hands. She brought it over and laid it on his lap as he stared at it emotionally for several seconds. It was Mike's lucky fedora ... He never left it anywhere. It always stayed with him at all times yet he had left it here for him as a sure sign that he would definitely return to fetch it. Phyllis watched as he reached out tentatively and picked it up reverently. He turned it through his fingers twice without speaking while tears sprung to the corners of his eyes.

"He said you'd understand the meaning of it ..." Phyllis spoke softly.

Steve nodded but even as he responded, his eyes never lifted from the fedora in his tender grip.

"Yeah ... Yeah I do ... It's his lucky hat ... He never ... leaves it anywhere ..."

Phyllis could sense how upset Steve was becoming and worried more about the young man's vital signs becoming erratic again so she decided to distract him instead.

"Oh? How is it lucky?"

Steve hadn't expected the question and he looked up at her and a brief smile crossed his face which belied the emotion currently glistening clearly in his eyes. He turned the fedora again until he found the spot he was looking for and pointed to it.

"See that slight crease in the side. It's where a bullet creased it once during a call out. It missed Mike's head by mere centimeters. It happened before I was his partner but he always called it his lucky hat after that. He thinks it brings him luck. He knew I'd know that by leaving it here, it meant he'd be back ..."

Phyllis smiled warmly and patted his arm tenderly.

"Well ... now that you know that, it's time you went back to sleep young man. I'm going to fetch you those pain killers and then I'm sure Mike will be back to see you first thing in the morning, ok?"

Steve looked exhausted beyond belief. He merely nodded acceptingly, the fedora still clasped lovingly in his hands seeming to give him the final reassurance he needed to accept the rest he so badly needed. She found him still in the same position when she returned only this time his eyes were starting to close of their own accord. She held back until she saw his eyes close fully and waited until his grip loosened on the hat and she saw it slide gently from his hands to rest half on his lap and half on the edge of the bed before she moved closer. Injecting the pain relief into his cannula, she removed the hat from the bed and placed it on the over the bed tray so it would still be in plain sight and fixing the covers gently back around her patient, she wrote in his chart and quietly left the room.

Steve rested peacefully for the remainder of the night and it wasn't until around six thirty am when the sound of movement and noise around him, roused him gently from a deep sleep. Opening his eyes slowly he saw the nurse from earlier holding his wrist gently and looking at the watch attached to her uniform as she gently took his pulse. Seeing her patient drowsily open his eyes and stare at her, she smiled and spoke warmly to him.

"Well, good morning young man. How are you feeling today?"

Steve blinked the sleep from his eyes and yawned furiously as he brought his right hand up to pinch the sleep from his eyes and rub gently across his face as the yawn subsided.

"Ok ... I think ... The head's still a little sore ... What time is it?"

"Seven o'clock ... Almost breakfast time ... Do you think you could stomach something to eat?"

Steve rubbed furiously at his face again and then brought it back down to rub across his stomach as he seemed to try and inwardly gauge how he was feeling where food was concerned. To the nurse's added delight he seemed to brighten up and his next words heartened her considerably.

"Yeah ... Yeah I think I actually feel a little hungry ... I don't suppose I'm allowed coffee yet though, am I?"

"Perhaps not just yet. But I could rustle you up some tea if that's any good?"

"Ok ... Sure, thanks ... Is it ok if I sit up a little?"

"Well why don't you see if you can?"

Startled by the blatant challenge, Steve had expected to have needed help just like all the previous times he had needed assistance sitting up. He could tell that she was serious and so spurred on by her confidence in his new found abilities, he gingerly placed both hands on the bed, being extra careful with the bandaged one and slowly pushed himself away from the pillows before moving himself back to sit more upright against them again. No dizziness came as he expected it to and he looked amazed back across at the nurse.

"I ... I did it ..."

"Yes, you most certainly did ... You're doing very well Mr. Keller. We might even get you out of bed for a little walk before the breakfast arrives. What would you say to that?"

"Do you think I could?"

"I don't see why not. Your vital signs are excellent this morning and with the dizziness going away, you should manage it ok ... With a little help and once you take things slowly. Now, let's see about breakfast shall we?"

Steve smiled and nodded as he sank back against the pillows and felt grateful that the awful dizziness had finally started to leave him alone. He stared at the fedora and smiled before looking across at the window and seeing the beginnings of another sunny day in San Francisco. Things were finally starting to look up.