This is a ridiculously long author's note because I feel there are a few things I need to address:
First of all, thank you SO MUCH for your continued support. I haven't been good about responding to reviews lately, but please know I read each and every one as they hit my e-mail and I greatly appreciate the feedback I've received.
I have several people questioning if this is a Shamy story. To be perfectly honest with y'all, I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this. I don't pre-plan my chapters in advance. I have a very general outline but things change as I write and come up with new ideas. The last seven lines of this chapter was how I planned on ending the last chapter, actually. I have a couple of plotbunnies floating around in the back of my mind, and one of them does involve Shamy reconciling, but I don't know if I will use one or either of those ideas when I get to that point. I've said from the get-go that I'm writing this story to challenge myself, and trust me, as I can't imagine EVER being unfaithful to the person I love, it has been a challenge trying to get into Sheldon's mind and figure out wtf he was thinking.
Thanks for taking this journey with me.- Dr.W
What does one do when the only person you wish to comfort you in your moment of the most unimaginable emotional pain possible is the same person who has caused said pain? Apparently, you talk to yourself as you toss and turn in the bed you once shared with the said person, The irony is not lost upon Amy as she sighs heavily and watches as the clock turns, marking one more hour that she's been awake. Never in her worst nightmares did she dare dream that Sheldon would ever do something like this. In fact, if she's being completely honest, of all of the guys in their social group, she would cast her vote for Sheldon being the least likely to stray. And yet, here we are, Amy gripes as her eyes fill with tears once again.
"Damn it, Sheldon," Amy whispers for the fiftieth time tonight as the tears wet her pillow.
Across town, Sheldon's faring no better as he fitfully tosses and turns. Sighing heavily, he rolls onto his stomach and places his arms under his head. He has five hours to figure out exactly what he is going to say to Amy, I'm sorry sounding like nothing more than a hollow platitude. He's certain he's lost Amy in the fallout, which he knew upfront was the most likely outcome if his sins ever came to light. All he can hope for at this point is to make it out of the coffee shop in one piece and with his testicles still attached.
Amy has two tried-and-true methods for helping her to relax enough to fall asleep; a hot shower and a vigorous session with Gerard, her trusty toothbrush. She's not much in the mood for masturbation tonight but knowing that she must get even a few hours of sleep in order to face the long day ahead, Amy gets out of bed and goes into the bathroom to take a long hot shower.
Sheldon has removed all of her bath products from the tub, she quickly notices as she enters the bathroom, instead replacing them with his Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo, Darth Vader conditioner, Mr. Bubbles bubble bath and a new black bottle of men's body wash.
"Dr. Slutbunny must prefer that," Amy fumes as she picks it up and opens the cap to smell it. It smells of sandalwood and Amy immediately decides she likes it as she takes another deep whiff.
Opening the cabinet to find her bath products, Amy instead finds a large manilla envelope of papers tucked behind six rolls of toilet paper. Sheldon's intentionally hiding them, Amy quickly surmises, as she turns on the hot water tap and pulls the lever to start the shower water. Setting the papers on the counter, for now, Amy strips and steps into the shower, turning her back to the spray to allow the water to massage her tense neck muscles.
Giving up on sleep, Sheldon turns on the lamp on the bedside table and pads over to the table in the right corner of the room. Finding the hotel's notepad and a pen, he taps it against his bottom lip as he attempts to prognosticate Amy's questions. Above all else, Sheldon believes in telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but he also realizes that there is a very fine line between being honest and being too honest. He's already hurt Amy and destroyed his relationship. Does she really need to know that he was sexually attracted to Ramona and having multiple fantasies about her, or should he spare Amy's feelings and omit that part? Googling "cheating spouse questions," and clicking on the first link, he takes his time writing out the answer to each of the ten questions on the web page, which he intends to give to Amy later today.
As Amy turns off the water of the shower and dries off, the envelope is calling to her. She quickly redresses before snatching it up off the counter and going to the bedroom, flipping the light switch as she walks by. Sitting on the edge of the bed, Amy sets the envelope on her nightstand, scared about the contents within. Realizing she's in a Schrodinger's cat scenario, she mirthlessly laughs to herself. If curiosity killed the cat, he still had eight more lives. She grabs the envelope and quickly pinches the metal tab to loosen the flap before lifting it up and pulling out a large packet of papers, which have been professionally bound together. Flipping it over she chuckles as she reads, Everything You Know is Wrong: A Dumbing Down of Scientific Principles for Imbeciles By Dr. Sheldon Cooper, BS, MS, MA, Ph.D., Sc.D. It's the manuscript for the book Sheldon has been working on as part of his deal with Mrs. Davis which allowed him to switch his field of study. Why is he hiding it in the bathroom? Amy wonders as she opens it to the first page and settles back to read. Her breath catches in her throat as she reads the dedication, "To Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, the most intelligent person I have ever met. I love you."
"Damn it, Sheldon... why?" Amy whispers once again.
Waking up before her alarm later that morning, Amy has a sudden impulse to take extra time dressing and to apply makeup. She picks what she knows to be Sheldon's favorite dress, although he'd never admit to it, a purple dress with a pink floral print. Getting ready to walk out the door 45 minutes later, Amy stops at the floor length mirror and double checks her appearance, deciding she looks damn good for only getting three hours of sleep.
"Eat your heart out, Sheldon Cooper," Amy whispers.
Sheldon, on the other hand, is having a terrible morning as he searches his duffel bag once again, confirming that he did, in fact, forget to pack clean socks and underwear in his haste to get out before Bernadette made good on her threat. Groaning, he quickly decides his only option is to go commando as well as sockless, not having enough time to ride the bus to the local Walmart and still meet Amy in time.
Entering the coffee shop where their love story began, and sadly, will end today, Amy wears a smile like a loaded gun as she spots Sheldon at "their" table and notices he has already ordered for them: two banana nut muffins, 2 mugs of tea and a glass of tepid water. Taking a seat across the table, Amy quickly notices that Sheldon's displaying his nervous ticks as he rubs the hem of his shirt between his fingertips.
"You... you look... nice," Sheldon stutters after a long moment of awkward silence between them.
"Thanks," Amy softly replies as she helps herself to the vanilla chamomile teabag and daintily dunks it into her hot water to steep. "I'm not... I'm not entirely sure how to do this," she admits, her eyes downcast as she studies the Japanese cherry blossom design etched into the pink Formica tabletop.
"Amy... I want you to know that I truly am sorry that I hurt you," Sheldon apologizes once again as he reaches for Amy's hand.
Feeling her jump at the unexpected contact before quickly pulling her hand away from Sheldon's, Amy shoots him a death glare and he decides he's on very thin ice already.
"If you knew how it was to be used. Someone pretends to love you and then uses you to... well, I'm not really sure of your ultimate goal, Sheldon, other than some sick, twisted mind fuck... but you love me and you never wanted to hurt me right? Go to hell. I don't want to hear your meaningless platitudes," Amy warns as she picks at her muffin and pops a large piece into her mouth.
"What do you want?" He wonders.
"Answers," she answers truthfully. "But, I am not sure which questions to ask."
"Maybe this will help," Sheldon offers as he pulls the ten sheets of notepad paper from his pocket and hands them to Amy for inspection. "I Googled which questions you may ask in preparation for today."
"I don't want some prepared answers," Amy responds as she takes the sheets of paper from Sheldon and tucks them into her purse. "I want you to tell me in your own words what you think I need to know."
"Alright," Sheldon agrees before taking a sip of his tea. "Your primary question seems to be why I did this. This..." Sheldon pauses as he hands Amy his cell phone where he has a copy of the Infidelity Agreement pulled up, "is the agreement I made with Dr. Nowitzki. It was an experiment intended to last for 60 days. The purpose was to find out if I am truly content with our relationship and want to propose marriage knowing that you are the only woman I want to spend my life with."
"Well you picked a hell of a way to go about it," Amy points out once again, "were you sexually attracted to her prior to initiating this... experiment?" she wonders, holding her breath in preparation for the knife to the heart.
"Yes," he shamefully admits, knowing he needs to be completely honest.
"What did you say to yourself to justify your actions?" Amy wonders as she pushes her muffin to the edge of the table, no longer hungry.
"I needed to know that you are the only person I want to spend my life with, kiss, make love to... when I ended the experiment, I told her that although the mechanics are the same, you possess one thing she can never have, my heart," he whispers.
"What do you feel for her?" Amy wonders.
"Nothing," Sheldon reassures.
"That's a lie," Amy points out, "Sheldon, you fit the profile for being a demi-sexual. You obviously feel something for this woman. Do you love her?"
"No. I've only ever loved you," he replies. "Lying to you about where I was and what I was doing was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I am ashamed of myself and my behavior."
"As well you should be," Amy points out, "How did you feel after you slept with her?"
"Numb," Sheldon immediately replies before taking a sip of tea, "I committed an unspeakable act of betrayal and immediately regretted it."
"And yet it happened three more times," Amy points out. "What did you do with her that you never did with me?"
"You saw the pictures," Sheldon evasively replies as he avoids the question. "As they say, a picture is worth 1,000 words."
"Yes," Amy agrees, "but I want to hear it from you."
"Fellatio...cunlingus..." he pauses to make sure no one is eavesdropping, finding the shop nearly empty, "anal sex,' he whispers.
"Did you enjoy it?" Amy pointedly asks, not entirely sure she wants to know the answer.
"The first two acts... yes, very much so. The third... I'm not sure what the appeal is," he honestly answers. "I don't know how to say this... but can we start over?" Sheldon wonders. "I know... I know I've done terrible things but I had doubts... I had to make sure that this was it... you were it. I needed to know, consequences be damned. I made the worst mistake of my life because I hurt you and that is something I never, ever wanted to do. I put my needs above yours."
"Are you serious right now?! Sheldon, listen to me when I tell you this. I hate you. I cried all night, kissing what I thought was our future together goodbye because YOU did the one thing I never thought you would be capable of doing. You hurt me, Sheldon, in the worst way imaginable... and I hate you for it."
"You hate me?" Sheldon whispers, dumbfounded by the bluntness of Amy's proclamation.
"I hate you." she venomously replies. "When I walk out that door, I'm gone and when I'm gone I never hear from you again."
"I deserve that," Sheldon whispers as he looks up to see the tears welling in Amy's eyes.
Needing to escape the coffee shop before she breaks down into a sobbing mess, Amy stands and pushes in her chair. Looking in Sheldon's eyes, Amy is shocked to see that they have turned a dark indigo as two tears roll down his cheeks.
"Goodbye, Sheldon Cooper," she whispers before walking out the door, the click of the lock echoing the finality of her words.
"Goodbye, Amy Farrah Fowler," Sheldon whispers as the tears rapidly fall onto the leaves of the cherry blossom design of the table.