Chapter 10 – Doubts
Ginny hated sneaking around. She understood why Harry thought it was better but she still hated it. She loved him and he loved her and yet she couldn't be with him in public. She wanted to see him grin when she walked into the room. She wanted him to come up beside her and wrap his arms around her waist and show everyone that she was his girl. She wanted to run up to him after he'd just won a Quidditch match and snog him senseless right there in front of everyone. There were a lot of things she wanted but knew that she couldn't have, not know anyway. Nobody could know – that was the promise they made to each other just before school started. But oh, how she hated it!
She glanced over at Dean, who was leaning against a tree talking to Seamus about that Muggle football team again. He thought she was listening but she wasn't. She was watching Harry across the lake where, judging by their hand movements, he and Ron were talking about Quidditch while Hermione sat nearby reading.
Harry felt her gaze on him and looked up to see the longing in those deep brown eyes that he loved so much. He flashed her a brief smile of reassurance and love before looking away again.
Just that morning she'd waited for him to come down from his dormitory before breakfast. Pulling him close, she wrapped her arms around his neck and tugged his lips down to meet hers. Gasping for breath a few minutes later, she asked if he'd given any thought to their previous discussion.
"Gin, we already covered all this last night. You know I want to be with you too. I want to tell the world that I love you, but we can't. It's not safe and you know that. If Voldemort finds out that we're together, he's going to come after you again."
Stepping away, Ginny stomped her foot angrily. "I know, but it's so hard. I'm the one that's pretending to be with someone else, not you. It's not fair and I hate it!"
Harry pulled his girlfriend back into his arms and held her tight. His chin rested on her head while he let his hands wander up her back and into the silky strands of the hair that had always fascinated him.
"Oh, love, don't you think it's hard on me too?" he asked. "It tears me up inside to see you with my mate. Watching you snog him when it should be me makes me want to hex his bits off."
Ginny giggled at his fierceness and snuggled closer. In her opinion, there was no better feeling in the world than that of his arms wrapped tightly around her as if they were the only people in the world.
"We have to be careful, Harry. I think he's getting suspicious that there's another guy I fancy. He's been asking me questions that I can't answer without him realizing that it's you."
"Try not to worry about it. If he's really that suspicious he'd say something to the rest of us and he hasn't." Tilting her chin up, Harry kissed her softly before heading down to breakfast.
"Lumos."
Harry sat up against his pillows, placing a silencing charm on the drawn bed curtains. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't settle his mind well enough to sleep. Hours earlier he had tossed about the idea of getting a Sleeping Draught from Madame Pomfrey, but decided against it. He wasn't willing to answer the questions he knew she would ask.
Leaning down, Harry retrieved his notebook from where it had previously fallen to the floor. In between his frequent bouts of tossing and turning, he had spent most of his time re-reading the notes he and Ginny had written to each other. There were arguments about his Potions textbook – Ginny's still not happy I won't give it back, he thought – and debates about just what Malfoy was up to. Harry was still convinced that he was up to no good and Ginny was the only person who seemed to agree. There were also several discussions about their classes and friends; Hermione and Ron's apparent obliviousness to the others' feelings were also included. There was, however, no mention of Harry's lessons with Dumbledore, or at least not the real reason for the lessons. That was something they only talked about in person for extra precaution.
And oh yes, let's not forget the lengthy tirades about our plan and how much Ginny is against continuing it.
Harry had barely seen Ginny over the past two days. She had spent the entire Hogsmeade visit with Dean to placate him for her "unseemly behaviour" as he had put it. Then Katie had been poisoned and Dumbledore was gone and everything seemed like it was in chaos.
Dean wouldn't let Ginny out of her sight, and had even gone so far as to convince Romilda Vane to promise to keep an eye on Ginny's dorm once she'd also gone upstairs. Not that Harry could blame Dean for wanting to keep Ginny safe – after all, that's all Harry wanted too – it also prevented Ginny from sneaking back down to meet Harry as she did every night. Dean had somehow managed to be waiting for Ginny at every spare moment the following day, leaving Harry with no way to talk with her other than their notebooks.
He needed to see her though. He wanted to tell her about his latest lesson with Dumbledore, the one last night when they had visited the few available memories of Tom Riddle's mother and his meeting with Dumbledore in the orphanage. Harry shuddered. Even as a young boy, Riddle didn't seem normal. It's no wonder he ended up becoming what he is now. More than that though, Harry needed to hold her, to kiss her, to feel her wrapped in his arms in order to reassure himself that she was okay and that nothing bad was going to happen to her.
Come off it, Potter. Who are you kidding? The whole reason for this charade is because that you DO think something bad will happen to her. That was your biggest excuse for keeping your relationship a secret, remember?
Harry sighed. How was he supposed to argue with himself? He was right after all, that supposedly was the whole point of keeping quiet.
Well, that and her brothers. She's Ron sister and that should make her out-of-bounds to me, but I can't stay away from her. I love her! Ron should be able to understand that, right? I mean, there's no rule against falling for your best mate's sister, is there? Besides, Hermione is practically my sister and it's obvious Ron's fallen for her. That makes us even in the sister department.
Shaking his head, Harry groaned. It was just no use. He'd gone round and round this same argument with himself ever since Katie had been poisoned. This was exactly his fear – what if it had been Ginny? What would he have done? How would he have handled it? He couldn't have, and he very well knew it. No matter how much Ginny complains, we have to keep us a secret. It's just safer that way.
Writing her a quick note to meet him in their spot after her morning classes so they could talk, he put out the light and tried once more to sleep.
After finding an empty table in the back of the library, Ginny sat quietly studying. Or rather, she was trying to study but her thoughts kept straying to recent events.
Ron and Hermione were ignoring each other again after a row about Slughorn's Christmas party. Having agreed with Hermione that both Harry and Ron were nothing more than one big giant prat of a boy, she'd taken to ignoring him also. Making things worse, Dean had replaced Katie on the Quidditch team. Claiming that he was worried about her safety, the only time he wasn't near her was when she was in class or asleep or in the loo. It was practically a miracle that she'd managed to convince him to let her go to the library alone to study, claiming the noise from the common room was making her head ache and she needed quiet or she'd never finish her work. Add in the fact that Ron was still angry with her for snogging Dean in the corridor, and it was easy to understand why she needed time away from everyone else.
And Harry…well, that was entirely another issue. Ginny exhaled noisily. I suppose it doesn't really matter. It's not like anyone would notice that we're not speaking to each other.
It was unfortunate that Harry had been with Ron the day she'd been caught snogging Dean. They'd been on their way back to the common room when Dean had suddenly pulled a tapestry away from a hidden alcove and drew Ginny inside. Still reeling from the suddenness of his action, she was unprepared when he roughly pushed her against the wall, pressing his body and lips to hers. Unable to reach her wand and knowing she was not strong enough to physically row him off, she responded to his kiss with the hope that it would catch him off guard and he would let her go. Regrettably, it only furthered his attack against her. Dean's hands began wandering up and down her body, and Ginny began to feel scared that he'd force her into something she did not want. It was only the untimely arrival of Ron and Harry that brought Dean's actions to an abrupt halt.
She and Harry had subsequently gotten into a huge argument about the incident. Harry had admitted that the monster in his chest pummel Dean to a worthless heap and it was all Ginny could do to convince Harry not to hex Dean the next time he saw him for taking advantage of her like that.
Serves him right, she thought briefly. This was his idea; if we weren't hiding our relationship then Dean would never have had a chance to attack me the way he did. Still, she did wish that Harry would get over his current broodiness. She didn't know exactly what was going on with him, but he apparently didn't feel the need the share whatever it was with her. She'd left him several notes to meet her in the Room of Requirement, or even in their spot between classes, but he had yet to respond to any of her pleas.
Tugging his cloak tighter around him, Harry decided to make another lap around the Quidditch pitch. Being mid-December, it was cold outside and he'd forgotten his gloves but he didn't care. He knew it was well past time for him to go back inside, but the numbness was…invigorating, in a way. By focusing on staying warm – and staying in the air – he didn't have to focus on anything, or anyone, else.
He felt guilty for ignoring her ever since the Dean incident, but there were just some things he needed to workout for himself.
Ginny was hiding in the library to avoid Dean – that git; I should have hexed him when I had the chance. Angry at both Ginny and Hermione, Ron had taken up with Lavender Brown and was at this moment sucking face with her somewhere in the castle. Hermione was ignoring Ron, and despite her adamant declaration, Harry knew that she had been extremely hurt by her row with Ron and his new…friend. He smirked. The canaries were a nice touch, though. Reaching the announcer's stand once again, Harry decided that it was time he went in before he froze himself to his broom.
Entering Hogwarts, he spied Ginny coming out of the library; he sped up and grabbed her from behind, pulling her with him. I know I've been a horrible boyfriend, but now's my chance to make it up to her.
Ginny let out a small scream as icy arms wrapped around her and drug her from the hallway, fear and uncertainty foremost in her mind. Now trapped in an unused classroom, she pulled her wand as she turned around to face her attacker.
"Whoa, Ginny, put that down before your hurt somebody."
"Merlin, Harry! You scared me! I thought it was Dean again, or worse – Malfoy! What in the bloody hell did you have to go and do that for anyway?" Hitting him on the chest and arms as she continued to yell, fear gave way to relief as tears ran down her face.
He held her close and murmured soothing sounds at her head, periodically apologizing for frightening her so badly. Once she had calmed down, he pulled out his invisibility cloak. "Fancy a chat someplace warmer?" Ginny smiled and motioned him to lead the way.
Only moments later, they found themselves in their private common room. An oversized chair sat close enough to the fireplace to stay warm, but not overly so. Next to the chair stood a small table containing a tea service with hot chocolate, sandwiches, and biscuits for afters. Settling into the chair, Harry drew Ginny onto his lap and summoned mugs of hot chocolate for both of them.
"I know I've been a prat for ignoring you and for that, I am sorry. I am not sorry for what I said though. You know that we both needed some time to think things through and neither one of us think straight when we're together."
Where is this going, Ginny wondered. His actions spoke one thing, but his words…
"Gin, I love you more than life itself. I would do anything for you; I'd die for you if it meant that you'd be safe. You know that's why we've kept things secret about us. I've done a lot of thinking about what happened with Katie, and Dean, and with Ron and Hermione, and well, I think it's better if we stop now before something happens to you too."
Harry's words faded from Ginny's consciousness. Is he saying what I think he's saying? He's breaking up with me? After everything I've gone through to be him with! How dare he! I'll – I'll hex him to pieces, I will!
Jumping from the chair, Ginny rounded on Harry. She could hear herself yelling again, but it didn't sound like her. She felt removed from herself, like she was watching someone else get into an argument.
Harry sat shocked at the sudden fury that was called Ginny. I knew she'd would disagree with me, even row me over my decision, but this – Wow. He watched in silence as she ranted and raved, angrier than he'd ever seen her before. Harry was entranced by the sight of her, his beautiful, wonderful, precious Ginevra. The fire that normally burned within her was now white hot. Her hair was wild about her head, the reds and golds alive in the fire light, and he almost expected to see sparks coming from her eyes, if not her wand. Feeling a sudden pain in his side, he snapped to awareness and realized she had resumed her earlier pummelling of his body. He grabbed her hands to stop her, but it only made her row back harder and yell louder. That's it! Why the bloody hell doesn't she see that this is for her and it's only until it's safe for us to be together! What in the name of Merlin did I do to deserve this? Can't she see that I'm doing this for her? Angry, he said as much. He thought briefly that he should have kept his mouth shut as her eyes widened and her temper flared again.
Several minutes later – or perhaps it had been hours, she thought – Ginny stood still in the middle of the room. Her throat and head both hurt from all the yelling, and she was sure that she'd have bruises on her hands in the morning from hitting Harry so much. She snorted. I can only imagine how he's going to look tomorrow. Refusing to row back physically, he had managed to dodge her advances a good majority of time, but still sported a black eye and a split lip, to say nothing of the ache in his side. He stood just outside her reach, watching her silently, while waiting for the next round to start.
Watching him watch her, she realized she had no more row in her. If this is what he wants, fine. I can't do this anymore. I just can't take the rowing and yelling and I'm not going to be responsible for completely and irrevocably destroying something as beautiful as we are together.
Harry watched in abject horror as Ginny dropped to her knees in defeat. As her head bowed, he saw her hands creep up to cover her face and felt more than heard the raspy sobs that tore reluctantly from her throat. She was broken. Shite. How the hell did I manage to muck this up so completely? I have no idea what to even say to her right now. Shite. Shite. Shite.
Instincts kicking in, Harry stepped towards her and knelt cautiously beside her. Unaware of his actions, she was wrapped in his arms once again as he whispered endearments to her. She turned to him, confusion mingling with the tears in her red-rimmed eyes. He brushed the tear tracks from her cheeks before gently cradling her face in his hands, and then leaned down to place a soft kiss on her lips.
"Shush. Oh, Ginny. My beautiful, sweet Ginny." He punctuated each word with another soft kiss. "I can't do this. I can't let you go. I'm sorry I tried to break up with you. I'm sorry I made you angry, that I tried to make you leave me. I'm so, so very sorry. And if you'll let me, I promise to spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you."
Ginny stared into the emerald depths she loved so much, trying to see the truth in them. She was almost afraid to hope, afraid to believe the words she had longed – but never really expected – for him to say. Her breath had caught in her throat; she couldn't speak even if wanted to.
"I need you, Ginny. I've tried to push you away, I've told myself over and over that you will be safer without me, but I'm only lying to myself. Gin, please believe me. I need you more than I need air. Without you, I'm nothing. Ginny, my love, the prophecy… Dumbledore said I would have "the power he knows not". He was talking about my love for you Gin, our love for each other. It scares me," Harry gave a week laugh, "terrifies the shite out of me really, but it's you, it's us. Without us, I'll never be able to defeat Voldemort, and we'll never be free to live our life."
As Harry spoke, Ginny continued to watch his eyes. They were the window to his soul; every thought, every emotion he ever had played out through them. She knew without a shred of doubt that he was telling the truth and her heart sang. He loves me, he needs me – forever, he said! As she smiled, Harry felt his world come alive once again and watched as her eyes darkened just before she pushed him backwards and met his lips in a searing kiss.
Running his tongue along her bottom lip, before slipping it inside her open mouth, Harry groaned. Never had she tasted this good. Maybe we should row more often, if the making up is gonna be like this. He shoved the random thought aside, not wanting to think about anything but how good Ginny felt against him. The monster in Harry's chest awakened with a roar as he felt the passion that was previously expended in their argument renew itself into something more.
Ginny squirmed as she reached for her wand. Everything is better by firelight, she thought as she dimmed the room's lights. Taking advantage of the quick breather, Harry quickly shifted positions so Ginny was again sitting across his lap. Bunching her hair in his hand, he trailed slow kisses over her nose, her eyes, her jaw. As Ginny struggled lightly for more, Harry resisted and continued placing gentle kisses over her face. She whinged when he kissed the spot by her ear, and moaned when she felt first teeth, then tongue, at the curve of her neck.
Bucking her head, she freed herself from Harry's roving lips and tangled her fingers in his hair, pulling his head down to hers. She bit his bottom lip just hard enough that he felt a slight twinge of pain before moving her teeth across his jaw and down his throat. The urge to touch him overwhelmed her senses. She began to unbutton his shirt, placing an open-mouthed kiss at each new area of flesh that was uncovered. Harry was unable to think clearly; being with Ginny always had that reaction. He felt the wave of heat that flooded his body as she kissed his stomach, taking a moment to circle her tongue around his belly button. Harry groaned, the sound harsh in the virtual silence of the room.
"Gin…I need – " Oh, Merlin. Where in the world did she learn that trick from? She'd better not have learned it from Dean or I really will hex his bits off. Harry's thoughts were interrupted as Ginny's mouth moved away from him. "Wha–" His eyes, darker than she'd ever seen them before, widened in surprise and delight as she stood before him slowly unbuttoning her own shirt. Tossing it to the floor, he had only a brief moment to notice that today she was wearing a lacy white bra before it joined the shirt. Leaning over Harry for another passionate kiss, she felt the heat of desire fill her to the core, her heart pounding so hard she was sure it could have been heard all the way to Hogsmeade. As Harry reached out and drew her close, gently caressing her, reassuring her with his touch that all was well. She had never bared this much of her body, her soul, to anyone before but it felt right that when she did, it would be with Harry.
Cradling her in his arms, Harry manoeuvred them to the large fur rug that had suddenly appeared in front of the fireplace. Time stopped as their hands and lips mixed and mingled and explored the unknown. Strange sounds reached Ginny's ear; she wondered where they were coming from until she realized they were coming from her. Every touch, every caress, every kiss, was igniting a blaze so hot she thought she'd burn to ashes and there would be nothing left of her. The evidence of Harry's own desire was pressed hard against her inner thigh and if the sounds he was making were any indication, he was going to burn with her. Needing to quench the fire, she captured his hand and directed it under her skirt. Emerald started into chocolate as their gazes met.
"Wha – I mean, um – are you sure you want me to – to – you know…" His voice was horse, his words and his eyes hesitant at the step they were about to take together.
"I've never been more certain. I love you, Harry Potter. You are my one, my always, my forever."
Much later, Ginny laid with her head on Harry's chest, her fingers laced with his own. The fires had been doused for now, but both knew it was only a matter of time before it ignited again. As a light blanket settled over them, Harry pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her. Kissing the top of her head, she heard him whisper as she drifted off to sleep, safe in the arms of her love.
"And I you, Ginny Weasley. You are my one, my always, my forever."