I couldn't believe that I was packing to leave for college in two weeks. I had made it. I got through middle school, high school, the triangle and I was excited to start this next chapter in my life.
After my second conversation with Maya, nothing was magically fixed. But for the first time since middle school, I was able to spend some time with my friends without the triangle casting a shadow over every interaction. It almost felt like old times. Almost.
Perhaps part of the reason everything felt lighter was because as far as I could tell, Lucas was nowhere to be found. He wasn't at prom. He wasn't at graduation. He was just gone. I didn't bother to ask any questions about his obvious disappearance and no one offered up any answers.
As the summer carried on, I did try to spend some time with my friends before going off to college, but it was obvious things weren't back to normal yet. I still had some healing to do. We still had some rebuilding to do.
As I was emptying out my closet, a piece of paper fell from one of the shelves and onto the floor right behind me.
"So, you did get my letters?"
I jumped, letting the clothes I had in my hand, fall to the ground. I turned to face Lucas who was holding the paper that had just fallen from the shelf of my closet.
"I wasn't sure, you know. One minute you're telling me you have no idea what letters I'm talking about and the next you're quoting my words back to me." Lucas continued, chuckling lightly and holding the letter in his hand.
"I actually got rid of them that night of the party. I guess I forgot one." I responded quietly.
"Yeah, I guess I deserved that." Lucas responded.
"Lucas, what are you doing here? Who let you in?" I asked, anxious to get this unanticipated visit over and done with.
"Surprisingly, your dad did. When he opened the door and saw it was me, I think he honestly considered closing the door in my face for like a good 10 seconds. Eventually he stepped aside and told me you were in your room." Lucas confessed.
That definitely sounded like my Dad. While he was already fully warmed up to the idea of my other friends coming back around. Lucas was still his sore spot. If I was being honest, he was still mine too.
"Ok…so what are you doing here?" I pressed.
"Right. What am I doing here…" Lucas stalled, "Do you mind if we sit down at the bay window?"
Instinctively I wanted to ask, "What about Maya?" It was weird how even in the aftermath of the triangle, I was still worried about the perpetual balancing act as if it mattered anymore.
"Sure" I said, following Lucas to the bay window. Upon sitting down, I took a second to assess my current situation.
Lucas cleared his throat, "I guess I should explain why I'm here before you come to your senses and kick me out of your room."
I knew he was just trying to lighten the mood, but I couldn't bring myself to crack a smile. Not even a small one. There was something so different about this moment with Lucas. It seemed to make it harder than any other conversation I've ever had.
"I lied to you Riley. I know that probably pales in comparison to the other things I've done. But I need you know that first and foremost because we were never the kind of people who lied to each other."
"What did you lie about?" I asked, genuinely curious.
"Back in November, when we ran into each other at that party. I was wasted and angry. You were gone all summer, you weren't talking to me, and then you refused to acknowledge the letters. I was so angry and hurt…I guess I wanted to hurt you back. So, I told you that Maya and I were dating. But we weren't…I lied." Lucas confessed
Suddenly everyone's reaction when I reminded them that Lucas had made his choice, made a little more sense. Not too much sense, I mean dating? Not technically dating? They kissed and did god knows what else.
"Well, mission accomplished." I responded bitterly. While I appreciated his honestly, the truth was that Lucas had hurt me way before that night.
"Riley, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. My main priority has always been to keep you safe." Lucas said earnestly.
"Right." I responded.
"Riley, do you remember the last party of junior year?" Lucas asked all of sudden.
"Yes. What does that have to do with anything?" I said, surprised by the sudden change in topic. Of course, how could I forget the last party of junior year. It was always at the back of my mind, how quickly things had turned sour.
"I was ready to end it that night." Lucas responded
"What? End what? I asked
"The triangle or whatever the hell it was. I was going to end it." Lucas gulped before continuing, "There was never really a choice to make actually. It was you Riley. It's always been you."
I had waited what seemed like an eternity to hear those very words coming from Lucas. I had dreamed about hearing them. But hearing them now only made me feel…angry.
"Really? There was never a choice to make? Is that why you never made it?" I couldn't help it. Lucas couldn't just show up, say a few sweet words and expect that would fix everything that had happened in the last few months or years
"Riley. Please hear me out? I know you're angry, you have every right to b-"
"Thanks, I don't need your permission. I interrupted.
"I never wanted to be the one to hurt you Riley. I never made my choice clear because I knew if I hurt Maya, I would ultimately…hurt you. And I never wanted to be the one who hurt you." Lucas finished, his voice cracking.
"But you did." I replied simply.
"And you left Riley." Lucas shot back. "You left after that party without so much as an explanation. And when you came back…you…never really came back."
"And you kissed my best friend." I retorted, bewildered. I never left with the intention of hurting Lucas or my friends. I was hurt, and I was protecting myself. But he had lied to me and kissed my best friend, specifically to hurt me.
"Riley." Lucas started, speaking barely above a whisper. "I know my actions these past few months are indefensible. I ruined everything with you. I was the worst possible version of myself. I lied, I hurt you."
"Don't forget nearly breaking Charlie's nose." I added.
"Right. Charlie." Lucas scoffed. "I'm sorry I punched your boyfriend."
"Lucas. He's not my boyfriend. But he is my friend. He's a human being and he didn't deserve to be assaulted." I responded annoyed.
"You're right. He didn't. I'm sorry. I'll apologize to him too. It's just the thought of you being with him…made me uncontrollably angry. All I could picture was you and him…" Lucas trailed off.
"What? Kissing? Like you and Maya?" my voice cracking, as I asked the question. I got up and walked towards the door of my room, my body facing away from Lucas. There was no way I was going to cry in front of him.
"Riles…please don't cry." Lucas pleaded from the bay window.
"I'm not." But my voice gave me away.
"Riley…" Lucas whispered, getting up and walking towards me. "Look at me please."
I turned around slowly, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. Lucas gently placed his hand under my chin and lifted my head to look at him. We stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity.
"I know I have no right to ask this of you especially after I all I put you through. But I'm going to ask anyway because the alternative is losing you forever and I honestly can't even bear the thought. But here goes…"
I held my breath as I waited for him to continue. I was suddenly very aware of everything around me. Lucas's hands were now cupping my face. My heart was beating erratically in my chest and there was no scent of alcohol coming from his mouth. He smelled like old Lucas. Everything about this felt so comfortable, so familiar.
"I love you Riley Matthews. I love you so much and I would very much like your forgiveness. Even though I don't deserve it. But above all Riley, I need to know if there's any part of you that still loves me…"Lucas said softly, a single tear escaping his eye.
It would be so easy to forgive him. To just say "okay" and spend the rest of the night getting to know each other again. It would be so easy to just be with him, but I couldn't.
"Lucas…I'm sorry. I can't." I whispered, shaking my head. Lucas released my face and stepped away from me, returning to his seat at the bay window and putting his head in his hands.
After a moment. He looked back up at me and asked, "You can't forgive me, or you can't love me?"
"Lucas…" I started. I couldn't possibly answer that.
"Answer me Riley. Which one is it?" Lucas demanded.
"Does it matter? If I can't forgive you, I can't be with you. If I don't how to love you, I can't be with you."
"No of course it matters. You can't forgive me now but in time maybe you will. But if you don't love me…then this is over for good." Lucas argued.
"I can't answer your question Lucas."
"So that's it huh? That's how our story ends? Bullshit." Lucas answered, getting up again and walking towards me. "Tell me you don't love me anymore."
"Love? That's a big word. I'm not even sure I like you right now." I smiled, attempting to make a joke that would bring an end to this conversation.
"Ouch." Lucas laughed lightly. "I guess I deserve that. If it helps me get back in your good graces, I'll have you know I have stopped drinking. I'm in therapy and the school really came down on me hard for punching Charlie."
"Is that why you weren't a graduation or prom?" I asked, grateful for a change in topic.
Lucas faked a dramatic gasp, "You noticed my absence? You do still care. But yeah, I was banned from both. I can still graduate but I have to take summer classes if I want to attend college in the fall."
"Are you off to Texas for college?" I asked another question, trying to prolong this pause from our earlier more intense conversation.
"Yeah. I think a change of environment would be good for me. Unless…"
"I'm not staying here. I'll be in California." I responded quickly. My answer was the same as it was for Maya. I couldn't stay here.
"Right. Maya told me." Lucas finished. It was strange how four words could immediately change my mood. Those four words reminded me exactly why I couldn't stay here, why I couldn't bring myself to be vulnerable with Lucas. It reminded me of everything I wished I could forget. I walked over to the bay window and sat down silently.
Sensing the shift in mood, Lucas quickly added, "There's nothing going between me and Maya."
"Yeah…" seemed to be the only response I could offer.
"Riley, I'm serious. I just told you I love you. I'm in love with you. I have always been in love with you. It's always been you. Do you get that?"
I could understand the words coming out his mouth. I could hear them clearly. But what I couldn't understand was how you could both love someone and purposefully hurt them.
"I don't know what you want me to say Lucas." I responded softly, massaging my temples. He had said what I waited years to hear but my heart felt so clogged up. The words didn't seem to land.
Lucas walked over and sat down next to me. Silence plagued the room, the minutes seemed to tick by. We were at a stalemate. I knew what he wanted me to say, what he needed from me, but I couldn't give it to him. It wasn't that easy.
"Lucas?" I said, turning to face him.
"Yeah Riley?" Lucas responded, eagerly.
"I will always care about you. I think you'll always have a piece of my heart. But just because you have that little piece doesn't mean that I have to give you other parts of me." And there it was. That was all I could give.
"Ok Riley."
"I'm sorry Lucas, I'm sorry…I just can't…" I started crying uncontrollably. Crying because I didn't want to be the one to hurt Lucas, but I couldn't hurt myself in order to avoid hurting him.
"hey, hey. It's okay Riley. I get it. I understand." Lucas pulled me in, soothing me, trying to ease the pain. "I don't think this is it for us Riley Matthews. I have hope."
I smiled through my tears, "There's the western hero I know."
Lucas chuckled, "I should get going, this western hero currently has a very strict curfew."
Lucas released me and started out of the window and then paused, "hey maybe this time you can write me letters and at our next big fight, I'll pretend I never got them."
I let out a lough laugh. "Get out of my room Lucas Friar"
"Goodbye Riley Matthews." He laughed and leaned over to kiss me gently on the cheek before exiting out the window.
I smiled to myself, walking over to my desk. I sat down and pulled out a clean loose-leaf paper, writing two words at the top.
Dear Lucas.
Authors Note: AND THAT CONCLUDES "EASIER"
Don't worry this isn't the end for Lucas & Riley. I'm already working on the second part of their story and on a different story as well.
Any big time Avengers/Marvel fans out there. Please be patient with me as i work on getting these stories out. i'M IN THE END GAME OF MY EDUCATIONAL CAREER
thank you guys who stuck around for this story :) this has been a nice break from the stress of law school and i appreciate those who helped me enjoy this little side hobby!