Author's Note
Okay, I'm officially the worst writer on this site in terms of updates, and I realized that's what I hate most in people.
I was rereading VG cats strips (Excellent webcomic if you're interested, but don't expect any updates any time soon.) As I was reminiscing on how much I loved getting a weekly comic, and how much I hate how much it never updates anymore, I realized how much I'm neglecting my stories, and how many people I've been keeping waiting. I wouldn't blame my fans if they've lost interest and aren't even reading this, but here we go.
Today's songs are Schadenfreude from Avenue Q and Mama Says from Footloose; The Musical
Oh, and despite what I said before, the scene with Giggles, Pippy, and Peppy will not be this chapter, or the next, but the one AFTER that it just helps keep things in order for the rest of the story.
HTF: The Musical!
….The day of the Dance, early morning at Toothy's house….
Splendid woke late, around ten o clock, and slowly drifted to the bathroom. He tried to be as considerate as possible to his houseguest, flushed twice, remembered to put away his toothbrush neatly, even folded his towel when he was done in the shower. Funny, because he normally never did this kind of stuff at home, he was just a little nervous about staying in another person's house.
"It's unheroic…" He muttered, walking down stairs, a file stuffed under his arm. It was the one concerning the theft of the Ruby Petals, he was still working hard on cracking the case. Of course, after the incident with Shifty and Lifty he was considering giving up the case. He overreacted, as he often did, it was harder than most people thought to be a hero, holding so much power in his hands.
His oddly philosophical train of thought was broken by the smell of breakfast, pancakes and bacon as he could tell. But it was even better than that, his host had supplied a full buffet of sausage, eggs, bacon, fried fish, and of course a tall stack of pancakes, especially for him. Suddenly, the vitally important case of a stolen gem was secondary. The aroma of fresh maple syrup lured him into a seat at the end of the breakfast table, as Toothy was just laying down his own plate. Splendid exchanged a few kind words with Toothy, who only nodded with agreement and watched happily as his hero began to eat his meal.
Toothy's gaze was dreamy, he had a very different mindset than his guest. Last night had been much more than a dream, he was certain it was a prophecy. Now was his chance if he wanted to be with Splendid, tonight at the dance he'd finally show his love.
" Splendid, I was wondering," His friend lifted his head from the plate, his face still covered in syrup. Swallowing his food, he waited for Toothy to continue "you know about the dance tonight, maybe we could go tonight?"
The squirrel wiped the syrup from his face and smiled warmly, "Of course! It'd be wonderful, when do you think we should.."
Toothy couldn't contain himself any longer, he leapt at Splendid across the table, and embraced him, "Oh thank you Splendid, we'll have such a great time! Just you and me!" And before letting go, he planted a kiss on the shocked squirrel's cheek and was off up the stairs. From above he called down to Splendid once more,
"I have a spare suit in the attic for you, you'll look so handsome, my love!"
Splendid, however, was too shocked to register anything but his sudden kiss. A million thoughts ran through his head as he tried to piece together what Toothy was really after.
He loves me? Oh my god he's gay!
But, but that isn't wrong, you know that Splendid!
But what am I supposed to do? I'm not gay! I can't lie to him!
After everything he's done for you, you'd break his heart right now?
But he can't be gay, can he? What about his girlfriend from Canada?
But his spinning head finally decided on one thing, that he needed to get out of this house now. Stumbling to his feet, he ran to the door, only thinking to call one thing as he left,
"Toothy, I'm just stepping out for some air!" not waiting for a reply, he hastily shut the door and ran off. He was in disguise, so he couldn't afford to fly, but he wished he could get airborne, at least the light headedness would take his mind off this whole mess for a moment, but for now he just jogged, thoughts rushing through his head, trying to get away for a while. Finally, he realized he was far out of his normal territory.
Looking around, he saw nothing but filthy streets and alleyways as far as his eyes could see. He must be down town, as the faint stench of rotten cat food and the piles of garbage assured him he wasn't in his usual neighborhood. He stepped over a Friend lying on the street, a bear of some variety. Glancing over his shoulder, Splendid winced at the poor man, the rough jacket was stained with blood, mud and god-knows what else. But what surprised him most was that the bear was a criminal he'd taken in a few months ago for stealing from a grocery store.
"So this is where they end up when we let them go," Splendid muttered under his breath, and then another thought crossed his mind, "or was he always like this?" He shook his head sadly. His pace had slowed so far he was barely moving his feet, glancing back and forth at the graffiti covered buildings. He passed by a group of children playing in the streets, most of them were barefoot and all of them were filthy. Splendid just decided he would stuff his hands in his pockets and walk away, and he was almost clear of the group when a light tap struck him on the back of the head, it felt like nothing more than a piece of paper. He turned to find he had just been hit with a baseball, and squatted down to pick it up.
"Sorry mister!" A little boy, a mouse, called to him. He was wearing a stained little league jersey that was four sizes too big, and had taken off his dirty ball cap to apologize. "I didn't mean nothing, just missed my throw…." The little kid was sincerely sorry, and he probably wasn't over ten. Splendid quickly forgave him, not that he'd been hurt anyway.
"Here, get ready!" Splendid laughed, pulling his arms back into a thrower's stance. The children were immediately happy the man wasn't angry, most of the time they'd get threatened if they hit someone, and probably wouldn't get their ball back, but this man seemed nice. The kids resumed their positions in the streets, the mouse boy waiting for Splendid's pitch. Finally, he whirled his arm around and let the ball fly, at superhuman speeds. Before he knew what was going on, the mouse just barely ducked the throw, which was now heading into deep space. Splendid had put too much power into the throw, once again, and cursed himself out in his head.
The children suddenly realized they had no ball, and in this neighborhood they wouldn't come across another for quite some time. The group of children quickly disbanded, slowly shuffling off to their homes, there was nothing to play now, even if any of them were in the mood. The mouse approached him, a pure face that was twisted in anger at him,
"Thanks a lot you jerk, that was my favorite ball!" He said, and gave Splendid a swift kick to the shin before he ran off. Of course, the kick didn't hurt his leg as much as it hurt his heart. He began to shuffle down the street again, kicking a tin can that found it's way in front of him. He began to drift in thought, mostly about this mess he'd found himself in, the Ruby Petals gone, a boy falling in love with him, and above all he'd attacked two innocent boys, Shifty and Lifty in their own home, trying to find a thief. Finally, he kicked the can away from him, and sat down in the filth by a pair of trashcans.
Out of nowhere, one of the trashcans began to shake back and forth, and out popped the local psychopath and German Metal enthusiast, Spazz! He was a light brown rodent, though he often protested he was in fact a rare breed of Pine Martin from the wilds of Canada, though in all honesty no one cared much to argue to with him.
"Afternoon, Splendid, care to go trash diving with me? You'd be amazed what the common family simply throws out." He laughed, wiping coffee grounds from his forehead with a banana peel, and then tossing it in his mouth. Splendid shuddered, first he'd been put through everything else, and now he was actually sitting around with Spazz, he'd hit an all time low.
"I'm good, I'm not really in the mood for anything like that now, I've been through a lot today."
"Oh 'whaa!', the hero of Happy Tree Town is having a bad day? " Spazz leapt from the trash and landed beside him, "My life is one big misery pile. Respected by none, hated by all, and accused of rape by three."
"I'd like to see you handle my life, I've dug myself into the deepest, darkest hole and nobody would help a hero out, he can handle it himself." Splendid's proud voice so was defeated, like a grounded eagle, Spazz even began to feel sorry for him, in spite of himself.
"What happened big guy?" He said, sitting down beside him.
"It all started with the theft of the Ruby Petals. I jumped to conclusions and blamed Lifty and Shifty, and I roughed them up before I even asked a question. I trashed their home in front of their little sister, and now I'm hated among anyone who knows the story, someone even went as far as to burn my house down. Plus Toothy was kind enough to put me up in his house, and he had to go and fall in love with me! I'm not gay, and even if I was I couldn't date a guy like him, he's a child compared to me. I don't know what he's thinking, but now I have to break his heart after he's gone through everything to make me a guest in his own home…."
Spazz was earnestly feeling sorry for the poor hero, but he was hardly the one to be giving anyone sympathy. It wasn't in his nature. But for now, he decided that he would go out of his way to make Splendid happy. He took a deep breath and began slowly.
SPAZZ
Right now you are down and out,
and feelin' really crappy
SPLENDID
(spoken)
I'll say
SPAZZ
And when I see how sad you are,
it sort of makes me….
HAPPY!
SPLENDID
HAPPY!!?!?
SPAZZ
Sorry Splendid, human nature,
Nothing I can do!
It's
SCHADENFREUDE!
makin' me feel glad that I'm not you!
SPLENDID
(Spoken)
Well that's not very nice Spazz!
SPAZZ
(Spoken)
I didn't say it was nice, but everybody does it!
(Sung)
Did ya ever clap when a waitress falls,
And drops a tray of glasses?
(Splendid; "Well, yeah..")
And ain't it fun to watch figure skaters,
Fallin' on their ASSES!
(Sure!)
Don'tcha feel all warm and cozy,
Watchin' people out in the rain!
(You bet!)
It's
SCHADENFREUDE!
People taking pleasure in your pain!
SPLENDID
(Spoken)
Heh, Schadenfreude huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?"
SPAZZ
Yup, it's German for happiness at the misfortune of others!
SPLENDID
Happiness at the misfortune of others?
That IS German!
(Sung)
Watching a vegetarian
being told she just ate chicken!
SPAZZ
Or watching a Frat boy realize
Just what he put his dick in!
SPLENDID
Being on an elevator
When somebody shouts
"HOLD THE DOOR!"
(Spazz; "Heh heh! Yeah!")
BOTH
NO!
SCHADENFREUDE!
SPAZZ
Fuck you Lady that's what stairs are for!
SPLENDID
Ooh, how about...
Straight-A students getting Bs?
SPAZZ
Exes getting STDs!
SPLENDID
Waking doormen from their naps!
SPAZZ
Watching tourists reading maps!
SPLENDID
Football players getting tackled!
SPAZZ
CEOs getting shackled!
SPLENDID
Watching actors never reach
BOTH
The ending of their oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
SCHADENFREUDE!
SPAZZ
The world needs people like you and me who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us, they don't want to be us, and that makes them feel great.
SPLENDID
Sure!
We provide a vital service to society!
BOTH
You and me!
Schadenfreude!
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
To be!
SPAZZ
S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!
(Pause for applause, and even a few mintues after the music is finished, Spazz is still standing in a dramatic pose, despite Splendid having returned to normal posture)
"Well, I have to admit, that cheered me up, but what does it matter?" Splendid leaned back against a muddy grey apartment building. He dug his hands back into his pockets once again and stared down at the pavement.
"Well, it just goes to show that everybody goes through crap, and it doesn't matter what's going on now. You're a freaking hero, not some average loser like me. You can handle this, now get off your ass and quit moping!" Spazz pulled Splendid up by his shoulders and shoved him to his feet. The squirrel dusted himself off, and suddenly, his eyes were bright with their usual pride and courage.
"You know what? You're right Spazz, I can do this," He raised his voice to its usual strong bellow, "I'm a hero, and this is just one more thing I can overcome. I just need to do something I've never done before."
"And what would that be, Hero?"
"Be gentle with something…."
...Happy Tree Park….
…6 hours before the Dance…
He just stood there, picking at the dirt beneath his well cut claws. Wishing he didn't have to do what he was going to. The nervous Koala pulled another Hershey kiss from his pocket and quickly gobbled it up, nervously. Tonight was only going to go two ways, the first would be Petunia coming back to him, the other would be him becoming the laughing stock of the entire town. He had no idea what his uncle had been thinking, but now it was too late, he'd dug himself too deep to back down now. He'd rehearsed the routine over and over again last night, and it would all be wasted effort if he did nothing. But then again, if he didn't do anything, then he'd be in the clear. No risk. But then he'd be without Petunia. No reward.
"Hey Chunky!" someone called his way, he'd recognize that same dopey drawl anywhere. Lumpy was sitting with Pop and Mumbo, the local witchdoctor and "Legitimate Businessman" at a picnic table, playing a friendly game of cards. Of course, nobody else seemed to notice the crocodile tail slipping underneath the table and snatching cards out of other people's hands.
"Have a seat buddy, the game's just getting heated!" Lumpy patted the seat next to him and Chunky reluctantly sat beside him. He noticed Lumpy's "Poker hand" consisted of a two of diamonds, a five of clubs, a Joker, a get out of jail free card, and a Green draw two.
"So, what brings you out to the park, mah boy?" Pop asked, throwing down another card, "This beautiful weather I suppose?"
"Nah, I'm honestly just getting a breath of fresh air, and trying to think."
"Think about what young 'un?" Mumbo asked, Chunky noticed only Mumbo's right hand held his cards, and his left was "Scratching his neck"
"Nothing, just thinking." Mumbo suddenly became very interested, he smiled wryly, sitting closer to Chunky.
"Well, that's odd, I thought you had to have something to think about to be able to think?" His tone was a sly, "won't take no for an answer sort". Mumbo was great at that sort of thing.
Chunky took a deep breath, and picked up a hand of cards, he flipped a few around the table, before he finally answered. "Well, it's about Petunia…."
"…and now Disco's got me involved in this crazy plan to win her back. I mean, I've worked out the routine but I just don't wanna risk it. I've lost a lot, and I don't feel like losing anything else…" Chunky let out a final sigh, having explained his situation in full. The three older men were shocked, and honestly sympathetic to the koala's plight. But Lumpy, going against all odds, knew exactly what to do. He sat down beside Chunky and place an arm around his shoulder. He spoke with more confidence than he probably had brains(though that wasn't a big number to begin with)
"Well Chunky ol' pal, you know what my Mama says about stuff like this!"
"Um, no, I don't,"
"What, are you kidding me? My Mama gives the best advice in the world, you can't tell me I never shared a tidbit with you."
"No, you really haven't."
The other two men let out a groan, "Don't get him started!" Mumbo yelled across the table.
"Shh! I'm giving the boy some advice!" Lumpy said, turning Chunky away from the table, "Now listen good Chunks…"
LUMPY
Everything I ever learned
That gets me through the worst
I learned at my Mama's knee
Now, anytime I'm turned around
I turn to Mama first
And you'd be wise
To memorize
What Mama says to me
(Spoken)
Now, Mama ain't been wrong yet. And I'm living proof
MUMBO
(Spoken)
Yeah, take that fer what it's worth!
LUMPY
HEY!
(Sung)
Mama says
Don't use a toaster while standing in the shower
Now who can argue with that?
Mama says
Don't hold your breath for longer than an hour
The woman knows where it's at!
And Mama says it doesn't matter
If you're a king or you're a clown
Once you drive up a mountain
You can't back down
POP
You can't back down, Chunks!
You can throw a punch
LUMPY
(Spoken)
Now, Chunky, you've not yet had the pleasure of meeting my Mama,
but these boys here have. C'mon and help me out, fellas.
(POP AND MUMBO)
(Mama says)
Don't drink hot coffee lying down in bed
Don't even give it a thought
(It's a Mess)
Mama says
Never eat anything bigger than your head
Is she a whiz or what?
(Oh yes!)
ALL THREE
And Mama says it doesn't matter
If you're a king or you're a clown
Once you drive up a mountain
You can't back down
Once you drive up a mountain
You can't back down
LUMPY
Mama makes a lot of sense
If you know how to listen
She is clear and concise
Daddy says, "I love her, son,
But she's got marbles missin'"
But I say, "Hey! It's free advice
And what d'you expect at that price?"
(Mama says)
What you believe in is all you really own
And I believe that she's right
(Mama says)
If you've got doubts, well, then, boy, you're not alone
Just means you're ready to fight
ALL THREE
And Mama says it doesn't matter
If you're a king or you're a clown
Once you drive up a mountain
You can't back down, down, down, down
LUMPY
You can turn up the heat
MUMBO
You can turn up the road
LUMPY
You can carry a beat
POP
You can carry a load
LUMPY
You can throw a fit
MUMBO
LUMPY
You can bring up a child
CHUNKY
You can bring up your lunch!
(All; Ewwwww)
LUMPY
A one, two, three!
ALL
And Mama says it doesn't matter
If you drive a hard bargain or drive around town
Once you drive up a mountain
You can't back down
Once you drive up a mountain
You can't back down!
(Chunky, feeling confident, goes to leave, but Lumpy calls him back)
LUMPY
I thought of one more thing
Mama says
Don't buy a chandelier unless you've got a ceiling
I don't know what that's about
Mama says
Don't chew on tin foil unless you like that feeling
Somehow she figured that out
ALL
And Mama says it doesn't matter
If you're a king or you're a clown
Once you drive up a mountain
LUMPY
Remember, boy
Everyone's countin' on you
ALL
Once you drive up a mountain
You can't back down!
LUMPY
That's my Mama!
Phew, this chapter was looooooong! Like, longcat long!
Anywhoo, thanks for joining me in another wonderful chapter!
Next time, more Flippy and Flaky!