A/N: After a long silence, there is life.

Okay, first of all, I am SO SO SO sorry, that it took this long, but I'm gonna pull my act together, and finish this damn fic, even if it'll kill me!

And second of all, I want to thank you all again for your comments and support, it really mean so much to me! So thank you all, my sweet readers!

And third. Cas stuck in a mental institution? ! The hell? ! Our reunion with him was supposed to be a joyous occasion, not this bullcrap! Poor Cas. Well, at least he is alive.

Fourth... Enjoy! (8

...

Chapter 10.

It only took Sam three days to realize that Dean wasn't going to be fine. Not on his own.

But on the contrast, it took Sam about five days to grow tired of Dean's crap.

After they got to Pennsylvania and found out that it really was an ajatar, luring drunken men that were blinded by her beauty, back to her hide-out to her sisters, and ripping out the intestines of those poor men, Dean slaughtered, without mercy, without blinking, without so much as noticing what he was doing, the whole sisterhood. All the while Sam was drooling after the cruel but really, really hot creatures. They didn't seem to have any effect on the older Winchester, who slowly wiped the blood off his face, and pulled out his pocket flask, taking a long swig.

But the killing spree did nothing to cheer up Dean.

The whole time at Bobby's Dean had been anxious to get back to hunting, and now he did it with a effectiveness that actually scared Sam, and it was like nothing had happened.

Dean was still silent, gloomy and ready to explode at the slightest agitation.

He kept spacing out, which almost got them into four car accidents, until Sam insisted that he'd drive for now. Dean yelled at Sam for a good half an hour, but after that he gave in, and just sat silently on the passengers seat. He only spoke to shout or curse at Sam, otherwise he only opened his mouth to drink, and then it was only alcohol. He wouldn't leave the motel room unless there was a promise that he'd get to kill something, and he had totally given up sleep, because he seemed to be afraid of going to sleep. And Sam guessed, for a reason. When the humongous sleep deprivation and cheap whiskey would finally get to Dean, he'd fall asleep for few minutes before he'd jerk violently, waking himself up with screams and almost tears. Sam was so worried about Dean who kept telling him that he was fine, that it almost hurt Sam physically. But also, he was so fed up and tired with Dean's self loathing and denial that he broke his promise to his older brother, to leave this matter alone. So Sam called Cas.

…

Sam wasn't actually doing research, as much as he was nervously crouched behind his computer on an uncomfortable squeaky motel room chair, glancing at the clock every two seconds.

When he and Cas had talked yesterday, they had agreed for the angel to drop in on them around five-ish, and it was already five fifteen, but then again, the guy was running a civil war up there, so that maybe he could be forgiven for being ten minutes late.

Sam glanced at Dean instead of the clock for a change.

Dean was laying down on one of the also squeaky and uncomfortable motel room beds, definitely NOT watching some talk show on the tiny TV, that was definitely NOT Oprah, like he had said. Sam sighed. He had not explained to Cas what was really going on, because he felt like that was something that Dean should say, and suffer the awkwardness for, so Sam had only told Cas that he was worried about Dean, thinking that maybe he was suffering from some side effects from the dimension swapping, and Cas should come to take a look at him. Cas had agreed to it quickly, also thinking that it was weird how Dean had been avoiding him of lately. Sam was just surprised that Cas had noticed it.

So here they were 5.23 pm, still waiting for Cas.

"Hello."

Dean jumped almost three feet high from the squeaky bed, landing flat on the floor while trying to grope his gun from under his pillow, and Sam nearly knocked over a half empty bottle of whiskey on the table when the gruff emotionless voice cut through the silent motel room.

Well, the party had arrived at last.

Too bad, that Dean didn't seem like he wanted to join this party.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Dean grunted, stuffing the gun away and standing up. He looked like he was suddenly too aware of himself, not really knowing which way to stand or what to do with his hands. Like a second grader with a crush. Sam rolled his eyes.

"Sam called me. Asked me to come," Cas explained bluntly, not taking his eyes off Dean. Which wasn't really helping Dean's case. The older Winchester turned to look at Sam with his best 'I will murder you, and I will enjoy it'-face.

"Did he now?" Dean's voice was dripping ice and Sam suddenly felt a huge urge to be anywhere else but there. He stood abruptly, almost knocking over his chair, grabbing Dean's jacket from the back of the chair, rummaging through the pockets for the car keys.

"Sam!" Dean's voice was demanding, and Cas was still just standing there, by the door, staring at Dean, not even blinking. Sam fished out the car keys, heading for the door dodging Dean's murderous gaze.

"Yeah, I called him, I just though that maybe you should... You know... talk with him about... the problems you've had lately... About the dimension swapping..." Sam mumbled just loud enough for it to be audible, before he was out the door, ditching Dean and the whole awkward situation. He had done his part, and now Sam could only hope that Dean would just give in, quit being such a bonehead and do the right thing for himself for once.

...

The slam from the door echoed through the awkward silence, and Dean cleared his throat looking everywhere but at the angel who was still staring at him, not saying anything.

"Look, Cas, I don't know what Sam told you, but I'm pretty sure that you can go now, everything's okay," Dean mumbled, scratching the back of his head, taking quick peeks at Cas, who now tilted his head in a way, that made something stir inside Dean.

God, how he had missed that head tilt. It was almost ridiculous.

It was storming inside Dean's own head and Cas just made it worse. He just wanted the guy out of the room. Soon. Or at least that was what Dean wanted to want.

He wasn't making any sense even to himself anymore.

"Sam simply told me that you are experiencing some side affects from the dimension traveling. And I believe that his concerns are justifiable, given how strange you have acted since your return," Cas stated, trying to pierce Dean with his gaze, like a helpless bug with a needle.

"How the hell would you even... know... how I've been... act..."

The rest of Dean's sentence was drowned out, forgotten, unable to pass trough the hunter's lips, because Cas had taken a few brisk steps from the door, and was now standing alarmingly close to Dean, staring right into the hunter's dirty green eyes, and Dean was no longer able to escape Cas' gaze and the angle's storming eyes with every possible shade of blue in them.

Dean's focus was completely thrown out of the window.

All his effort, everything he had done to try to put all these 'feelings' behind him, was made empty by that simple surge of warmth and energy floating from Cas' body like a infectious virus, right into Dean's veins. And the smell of that man... Angel, whatever... it brought everything rushing back. The feeling of that body writhing under Dean, the maddening taste of those lips on his... The aching, burning need to feel all that again... To feel the real Cas. For the very first time...

"Dean!"

Dean jerked a little but not away from Cas. The angel had been talking to him, but not a single word had registered into his brain. His brain was too full of other thoughts...

"Umm, yeah, what?" Dean muttered, trying to avoid Cas' eyes. He would not be sucked into this again. There was no chance. He'd just had to let go. Let go of his twisted thoughts. Let go of Cas.

But in order to do that, he'd first have to get Cas the hell out of there.

"Listen to me, this is important! While jumping from dimension to dimension, you might have left a part of yourself behind, and I need you to answer to me, so that I can define what part, so that I can fix it," Cas' voice was firm and penetrating, digging it's way through Dean's hazy mind.

Dean knew he was all there, and he knew why Sam and orchestrated this whole scheme, but he just couldn't say anything. Everything would be over much faster if he'd just go along with this. Then Cas would just go, and Dean could go back to normal. Normal... Dean tried to resist the urge to puke at the word.

So Dean just nodded.

"Good. Now, have you experienced loosing time?"

Dean shook his head. Cas frowned.

"Do you feel like you don't always know the person who you're having a conversation with, even if they seem to know who you are?"

Dean shook his head again. It was becoming difficult again to concentrate. Cas was so close...

Cas's frown deepened.

"Have you noticed people you know acting anyhow weird?"

But this time before Dean could shake his head again, Cas had raised his hand and grabbed Dean by his chin, examining his face, really, really, closely. Dean couldn't breath. He couldn't think. He could only hear his own heart beat, and pray that Cas didn't hear it too.

"Dean!"

Apparently he had been quiet and just staring for a little while too long. Cas' face was just one big frown, as he stared into Dean's eyes.

"I am afraid that this is no use. It seems that I must look into your mind," Cas said grimly, and that snapped Dean finally out of it. This was getting too dangerous. He'd have to get Cas out. Now!

"No, no, no, no! You stay out of my head, you hear me? It's been hard enough few weeks without you poking around inside my grapefruit," Dean snarled, yanking his head away from Cas' grip, and taking a few steps away from the angel. Breaking his eye contact from those big blue eyes that had the god damn map of the universe hidden inside of them, that had become all Dean could focus on for the past few minutes while Cas had tried to question him.

"But Dean, if you are experiencing side effects from..." Cas started, taking a few frustrated steps towards Dean, but was cut off by the hunter.

"I am not! I'm fine. There is nothing wrong with me, so you and Sam can just stop bugging me already!" Dean stepped back too, trying to keep Cas out of his personal space. He wasn't sure what would happen to the poor angel if he got that close again.

"Then why have you been acting so strange lately?" Cas asked, not convinced, tilting his head again, making Dean's insides wrench.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Dean huffed, pushing past Cas, and sitting down at the table, taking a long swing from the half empty whiskey bottle that Sam had almost knocked over earlier. Cas squinted his eyes at Dean, taking his time before answering to the hunter.

"You were... already acting strange right after your return..." he was obviously referring to the hug but wasn't just able to put in in words.

"And you have been avoiding me," Cas said with a voice that sounded some how even more... flat, than usually. Dean wasn't sure if he was imagining it or what, but Cas did sound a little hurt. Or maybe Dean was just hoping for it, he didn't know anymore.

"I haven't been... avoiding you and the dimension swapping just was a strange trip on itself, that's all. Let it go, everything's fine," Dean said, staring at the wall. He was kind of hoping that if he didn't pay anymore attention to Cas, the angel would just leave. But he couldn't silence the small voice inside his head that he didn't want Cas to leave. Not yet.

He hadn't seen the guy in weeks. He hated admitting it, but Dean had missed him. Maybe even more than he even had realized.

Dean still wasn't looking at the angel but he saw from the corner of his eye that Cas bent over to pick something up off the floor. Dean didn't get a good look at what it was, not that he really cared, all he cared was to get Cas the hell out of there, and fast. He cursed Sam for being the nosy little brother that he was, always 'helping' Dean, but only when he needed the help the least. At least on his own opinion.

Cas was standing up now, holding a some sort of piece of paper in his hand, examining it quite closely. His always so stoic face was furrowed with something that might have been confusion.

"It's strange," Cas said breaking the silence that was just few second away of becoming officially uncomfortable. Dean just rolled his eyes, not really interested, but going with it anyway.

"What's strange, Cas?" he asked, voice bored, so that he was making even the dense angel realize, that he was asking out of the need to break the silence, not because he really cared, what the angel thought was strange.

"This picture. I have no recollection of this happening," Cas answered, still not taking his eyes of the paper, that presumably was a photo, lifting it slightly, to indicate that he was talking about it. Now it was Dean's turn to furrow his brow and be confused. What picture was that? He didn't have any pictures. And he was sure, that even if he did, he most definitely didn't have any of Cas.

And then the realization hit Dean like thousand volts.

The picture he had ripped off of Misha's fridge, back in the wrong universe.

The one with Jensen and Misha holding hands happily.

Jensen and Misha... Looking like him and Cas.

And Dean was up, and by Cas' side in 1.43 seconds, ripping the photo he had completely forgotten about out of Cas' hands, stuffing it back into his pocket. It must have dropped out, when Sam had been going through his jacket pockets earlier for the car keys. Dean was blushing, brightly, he was actually very similar to the color of a fire truck, trying to clear his throat to say something. Cas didn't help him, standing there, too close, staring at him, waiting for an explanation.

"Well, you see... it's because... that's not really... you," Dean stammered, looking away from those too blue eyes, that were piercing through the very being of Dean.

"Then how is that possible? I do not believe that you knew Jimmy Novak before I took him as my vessel," Cas said, still confused. Dean coughed, uncomfortable, and still blushing. The damn angel was really gonna make Dean explain it to him?

"Well, that's not really me either. That's... Jensen and Misha. You know, us, from the dimension where you and old Balty threw us in," Dean mumbled the words out quickly. For a second the cold lifeless face of Misha, laying on that dark alley in his own blood flashed before Dean's eyes, and for that one simple second, it felt like Dean's heart stopped beating. But the moment passed, and Cas was still there. Looking at Dean, as confused as ever. A warm feeling spread through out Dean's whole body, making him hate himself just a little bit more.

"Oh. So they were having physical relations," Cas stated, like he was talking about the weather. Like there was nothing weird or messed up about it at all. Dean squeezed his eyes tight shut, and tried to resist the urge to pummel something to death. How could Cas just dismiss it like that?

"Oh? Oh! ? That's all you have to say to that?" Dean wasn't really sure why, but he was getting pissed off by the lack of reaction from Cas. Maybe he just thought that it was unfair, how the whole MishaJensen-thing had messed him up, and all the reaction it got from Cas was a simple "Oh".

Cas frowned and tilted his head.

"Yes. What else would I need to say about it?" Cas' gaze had again reached Dean's eyes, and the blue orbs were drilling holes into Dean's soul.

"Unless... Is this why you have been acting so strangely, after your return? Does this bother you?" Cas asked, stepping a little closer to Dean again. And the hunter was unable to move away.

"No..." Dean choked. He was drowning.

"No... Dean... Did you have physical relations with this man, Misha?"

The question was so blunt, so not-sugarcoated that it was practically a slap across Dean's face and literally had him stumbling back a few steps. And still, Cas seemed so unfazed about this whole situation. The anger was again stirring inside of Dean.

"Dude, really... you... I don't... just... no, wait! Did you just read my mind? I told you to stay the hell out of my head Cas!" Dean yelled now, actually angry. How else would Cas have this so figured out? Damn that angel, what did he thought gave him the right to invade Dean's mind? His thoughts were his own!

"Dean, I didn't have to. It's all over your face. I've been around you for some time now, and I know my Father's creations so I can read people in other ways than just their minds. And I can see that, yes, you had a sexual relationship with this man, Misha, and I can also see, that it is bothering you somehow," Cas explained calmly like it was no big deal.

Dean felt unreal. This was a situation he never ever thought he'd find himself in. And yet, here he was. After all the weird crap in his life...

Dean didn't think he was able to remember how to breath. He ran his eyes along the ugly grayish-green wallpaper, slightly fidgeting. The hell he'd do now? Was this his chance? To actually tell Cas what was going on in his mind? What had been going on there, apparently from the first moment Dean had learned to trust Cas? But what would come from it? Most likely rejection and awkwardness. Dean would lose an allay, and more importantly a friend. He didn't have many of those. So it wouldn't be worth it.

"Yeah well, so... now you know, okay? The big secret. I had sex with a dude. Congrats. All is fine, the door is right there, you can go now," Dean said bitterly, smiling at Cas. But the smile was cold and it twisted Dean's face into a look that seemed a little terrifying.

But Cas wasn't leaving. He just stood there, head tilted and still confused, his eyes never leaving Dean.

"I don't understand," Cas said carefully with his gruff voice.

"What?" Dean spat out.

"Why this is upsetting you so much? Is it because you are feeling that your status as a man has become compromised?"

"What? No, I mean..." Dean started, taken aback, but Cas just cut his stuttering off.

"Or is it because you are now questioning your own sexual orientation?"

"No, Cas, I..." Dean tried, but Cas cut him off again.

"Then what is it?" he seemed to be very intrigued about this, and that was staring to piss Dean off again. How Cas couldn't get it? He had been able to read everything else from Dean's face but not this? How could the little, tiny, fact that Dean was... for some strange reason... agh, he even hated to think about the word, it sounded so corny... in love, or whatever, with Cas?

And why wasn't this a big deal to Cas? Was it some angel deal, that it's basically a normal everyday routine to find out that one of your human friends has been screwing your parallel-dimension-self?

"You don't... You don't find anything disturbing about this? Nothing at all, Cas?" Dean sighed, annoyed. Cas just stared at him for awhile, before answering.

"You didn't just have a physical relationship with him. You had feelings for him," Cas said slowly. His eyes turned dark and it was like the universe itself, hidden in those blue orbs had dimmed. There was no emotion in Cas' voice what so ever. The low gravel voice was completely flat, and that sounded scary to Dean. It had taken some time, but Cas had developed some identifiable

emotions over the years, and now it was like all those had drained away. Was Dean just imagining, or was Cas really... upset?

Dean didn't really know what to do or say. So he just said;

"Uhmm..."

Cas lowered his eyes finally, and stared at his shoes. His face was like a stone wall. It was almost like... something inside that mighty celestial being had broken. What the hell? Why? Dean didn't get it. All he got, was that he just couldn't see Cas like that. How messed up was that?

"Well... you know, I didn't exactly have feelings... for... for him..." Dean's voice was small and feeble, and he too lowered his eyes to stare at his boots. He cursed the situation in his mind. They were like too unsure first graders circling around the subject of who liked who. But because Dean suddenly found a great interest in his shoes, he missed the somewhat relieved look that flashed across Cas' face, as the angel now lift his gaze to again stare at Dean.

"You don't? Then what is the problem here Dean?"

Cas' voice was nonchalant and simply just curious. There was no sign of greater understanding even if Dean had clearly hinted him about Dean's 'real feelings'. Why had the angel be so dense? !

"Dean?" Cas urged, and Dean was getting pissed again. He hated this situation. He just wanted it to be over. He didn't want to deal with this anymore.

So the small almost audible snap echoed in the silent motel room, as Dean broke, for the final time. All the memories of Misha, all the repressed feelings, everything, they came flooding back into Dean's mind, and he didn't even try to block them anymore.

Consumed with his furious desperation and anger, Dean stepped forward, grabbing Cas by the lapels of his trench coat, yanking the angel closer to Dean's face, so that they were only mere inches apart, and then Dean did what he did best.

He yelled at Cas.

"You wanna really know, what's the freaking problem, you idiot?" Dean shouted, shaking Cas, who only looked a little bit more confused than normally. But then again, Dean could have might as well shook a brick wall. It would've had the same effect.

"I didn't have feelings for some random Misha-dude, I have feelings for you, you sorry son of a bitch! I just didn't know it! And then that Misha-guy just scrambled my brain back there, where you just so carelessly happened to throw us, and I've been having a freaking delightful time, trying to get my head together! But you know what, Cas? ! I Can't! I just freaking can't! And you know why? ! Because I had to watch you die! I had to see, how you laid in a puddle of your own blood, and for a moment, I had to feel what it would feel like if I had to go on without you, and I just..." Dean was loosing his anger. He was loosing his point. He was out of breath, and he couldn't even really remember why he was yelling anymore. All he could remember were those horrible, horrible moments back in that dark alleyway.

Dean let his gaze fall as his voice faded away. His grip loosened and Dean also let his hands fall to his sides. For a moment they just stood there, quietly, very, very close to each other. Cas shifted a little, not closer nor away from Dean, before he spoke.

"You... had to watch me die?" he spoke the words slowly, carefully, and Dean found himself slightly annoyed, that that was what Cas took from his rant.

"Uhm... Well, not exactly you, but yeah, Virgil iced Misha back in the other dimension," Dean said meekly, still not looking at the angel, even if he felt the intense stare on him.

But then Dean heard the one voice he had learned to hate over the few years. The quiet flutter of feathered wigs sounded through the still motel room air, and before Dean could lift his gaze, Cas was gone. Without so much as a simple good bye.

Dean felt like screaming, crying, throwing up and tearing his own skin off all at the same time. He felt to goddamn stupid! How could've he waited any other outcome for this situation? He knew from the beginning, that if he could not keep his mouth shut, this was the result that would follow. Cas would flee in confusion and panic, and most like would never contact the Winchesters again.

Why, why had he held on to any kind of hope, when he all along knew there was none? He was one very stupid man. Dean felt like kicking himself. He should have never said anything, he never should have...

"Hello."

Dean felt like having a heart attack.

"Goddamn it Cas don't do that!" Dean spun around in anger, to stand face to face with Cas who had appeared out of thin air to stand right behind Dean. Cas simply just tilted his head.

"Sorry."

"Where did you even go, anyway?" Dean snarled, trying to calm down the panic that had risen with Cas' exit.

"I went to fix the other dimension," Cas stated, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Dean furrowed his brow.

"Fix it? How?" but Cas just dismissed it by waving his hand.

"That is not of import right now," Cas paused for a moment before he continued.

"You said... that you have feelings for me?" it was a question but not a question. Cas was looking for a verification, but still it was more of a statement. Dean coughed uncomfortably, and scratched the back of his head.

"Yeah well... Yeah. Cas, we really don't need to talk about this. You know, I think it's best if we just let this go, ok? You don't... You don't have to say anything," Dean explained quickly, looking carefully at Cas, who just again, tilted his head.

"I don't?" Cas asked, and Dean was suddenly very aware that they were standing so close together. The mysterious radiating body heat glowing from Cas was clouding Dean's mind and he found it again very hard to concentrate beyond Cas' thin lips, hovering just out of his reach.

"No... I..." Dean couldn't say anything more. The light that had lit up in the center of the shimmering universe in Cas' eyes when Dean had admitted the long denied stupid, stupid feelings he had for the nerdy little guy, was illuminating Cas' whole form. It was maybe the most beautiful thing Dean had ever seen. But it was also confusing as hell. What was going on? Why wasn't Cas running off in terror? Why was he so calm? Why was he still so close? What was happening?

Cas stepped a little closer again. He was breathing in sync with Dean, and now, there seemed to be that greater understanding.

"Dean," Cas breathed out, voice low and raspy.

"I find myself... yearning for a physical contact," Cas finished, looking sheepishly at Dean, like asking for a permission. After getting molested daily by Misha, this seemed so absurd that if it were any other situation, Dean would have probably laughed his ass off. But since the situation was what it was, and Dean couldn't really believe that this was happening, he decided to just go with it. His head was swimming. Could this really be happening?

But the knowledge that all this, what ever this was, was very new to Cas, dug its way through Dean's floating thoughts and Dean didn't want to rush the poor guy, even if all he wanted to do was grab Cas and throw the guy on his back on the squeaky uncomfortable motel room bed and follow after.

"Erm... Well, go for it," Dean said welcoming, spreading out his arms, inviting Cas in, trying to ignore the slight awkwardness of the situation.

Dean was expecting a small unsure and awkward kiss on the corner of his mouth, but what he got, was something that for sure didn't help this other wordly weird situation.

Cas reached out one slim and shaky hand, placing it carefully on Dean shoulder. For a moment Cas looked unsure, before a small pleased smile spread on his face.

And then he just stayed like that.

Really, Cas?

Dean rolled his eyes. He didn't want to rush Cas, but after four weeks, even Dean's patience had it's limits.

"For fuck's sake, Cas," Dean huffed, wrapping almost violently his arms around the angel, pressing his lips on Cas'.

...

A/N: Okay, I know the ending is kinda... Errrrgh, but I promise to explain more in the next chapter, and this is kinda errrgh, because this chapter and the next one were all intended to be just one chapter, but this one just got out of hands, and is even on it's own this is one long-ass chapter, so sorry! But this just means, that you won't have to wait 3 months for the next chapter to come out.