A/N: This chapter is dedicated to my pushy friends, who wouldn't stop calling my cell until I updated. Pests. I kill you, guys. Anyway, since I'm being forced into this, I may as well have some fun with it. I know it's been a millennium since I've updated, what with the release of Breaking Dawn and whatnot. I don't know if I totally verified this before, and am too lazy to check, but I'm one hundred and ten percent positive I'm going to make several sequels, or at least one. First shall be Jacob. Okay, well, now that that's over with, let's move on to the fun part!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. At all. No money is being made from this, no copyright infringement intended, blah, blah, blah.

EPOV: Oh god, oh god, oh god, I thought. How could I not see this coming? That really only proves the theory we guys have that all girls are total airheads, but me? I can't believe this. Why me?

Almost immediately, a tidal wave of thoughts –some more obscene than others—engulfed my mind, paralyzing me in place on the runway.

Mike: Um, wow. Just wow, Edward is hot. Aw, but look at that big, buff dude over there. Isn't he, like, an Indian? That's schmexy…. And look, he's eyeballing me. So's Eddie-kins… but that looks more like a death-glare….

Jessica: Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Lauren: -faints-

Both Male Judges: Ten points!

Jacob: Woah. Dazzling. Ugh, that's a bloodsucker, Jacob. And the other dude's a freaking crossdresser! Just walk away….

Random Twihard: Oh. My. Effing. God. It's EDWARD FREAKING CULLEN!! And better yet, in a bikini!! Wait… why? Am I in a fanfiction? If I am, I guarantee the person writing this that she is sssoooooo dead when I get free for doing that to Edward.

Huh?

Eric, walking past at just the wrong moment: Wow, what a freak. Wait a minute… is that… OH MY GOD!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Tyler: I think I just entered the Twilight Zone.

Mr. Banner: Lalalalalala… this dress is fantabulous! It like, so totally brings out my fantabulous eyes! It even matches, my, like, eyeshadow! –stops- Ohmygod, it's Cullen!

The Volturi: …wtf?

Every Other Known Vampire: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'm so glad I came when Alice called!

"Alice…" I said, slowly and carefully. "You're so dead."

She didn't even hear or understand me. She, Bella, and the rest of my family, were all too busy rocking back and forth on the floor, incoherent and incapable of breathing.

I snarled, glaring at Jacob, who was staring at Mike and I, and stomped over to my family.

"If you value your weights, your bed, or any of your other valuables, Emmett, you'll do exactly as I say. Alice, if you value your clothes, credit cards, makeup, shoes, et cetera, you'll do the same. Rosalie, you too, for all the same reasons as Alice, as well as your hair and every object capable of giving a reflection within a one hundred thousand mile radius. Jasper, you wouldn't want Alice to be upset, would you? Carlisle, every hospital on the planet. Esme, every Lowes, Home Depot, et cetera in the state. Bella, I'd be sad if you didn't help me."

Their eyes widened. I growled in response.

"You know, it's kind of hard to take you serious when you're dressed in a-" Emmett began. I cut him off.

"Outside. In the Porsche. Now."

They didn't need to be told twice.

A/N: I know, kinda weak. I'm sorry! I'll need at least one review before I update. That shouldn't be so hard, right? Hope not. Well, the end is drawing near. The next chapter is the last one, as long as a bloopers chapter afterwards. At least, that's my plan. Alright, well, push the blue button, and your life will be filled with unicorns and butterflies-that's a good thing.