18 FEBUARY 2005
0130 ZULU
MAC'S APARTMENT
WASHINGTON, DC
THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EVENTS OF
"BRIDGING THE GULF"

Mac answered her apartment door, surprised but pleased to see her handsome partner standing on the other side of the threshold.

"Hey – you're back." She smiled thinking she would never get tired of seeing him in that Navy Blue uniform. Hell, she wouldn't get tired of seeing him in any uniform.

Harm held up a brown paper bag emanating the wonderfully mouth-watering aroma of warm garlic. "I hope you don't mind, but I was starved and I thought maybe you hadn't eaten yet."

"I thought you didn't want to be alone around me anymore?"

"I'm willing to risk it if you are? Besides, I was a good boy last time wasn't I?"

She stepped out of the way and opened the door wide to allow him entrance. "You're in luck, I just got home myself."

Harm eyed her relaxed civilian attire and raised his eyebrow. "Really? Office dress lighten up since I was off doing my quals?"

"Well I had time to get a shower, but not enough time to eat..." Mac rolled her eyes as she closed the door, "… Mr. Smarty-pants."

Harm brushed past her on his way to the kitchen and playfully pinched her ribs "You never have enough time to eat these days, MacKenzie – that's what you need me around for."

After setting out their meal and serving up drinks, they sat at her dining room table - both of them poking forks into Rico's famous Clam Linguine and trying to figure out ways to break the uncomfortable silence.

"Spill it, Marine." Harm eyed Mac from across the table and hoped to God this wouldn't backfire on him.

"What?"

"C'mon, Mac – there's something bothering you. That psychiatrist case last week – you threw chaff at me but I know better." He looked down uncomfortably and gesticulated with his fork. "Look Mac, it was pretty obvious something was eating you about that case long before Inez Elgin came into the picture. Is everything alright?"

Mac blushed and put down her fork. "Harm, the case wasn't eating me… I just…" Suddenly she didn't know how to answer him without lying. Her eyes darted around the room as if she was looking for a place to hide. "It just bothered me, okay?"

Harm laughed gently "I can see that. Care to share why?"

"No". Without another word, she picked up her plate and strode into the kitchen.

Harm watched her from his seat and considered his next move, but something about this situation made him believe that his next move would be best left to mere observation. As usual, he didn't listen to his own inner voices. As she crossed by him on her way to the couch, he spoke gently "Mac, it's me."

Slowly she turned her head to him and sank into the couch.

Sensing this was his cue, he rose from the table and sat beside her. "You know you can tell me anything, don't you?"

"I know I can, I just don't know if I want to."

"Why?"

"Because," she felt her frustrations rise, "I don't want you to think… less of me."

"Ma-ac." Harm sighed in warning.

She nervously considered her fingers for a long time before beginning. "I… uh…" she twirled her school ring, "… I've been… seeing someone..."

Harm's heart sank. He really didn't expect it this time – not that he had expected it before – but at least he was aware of another man in the picture in previous instances. This time he had honestly thought they were finally getting somewhere. He made an attempt to be indifferent, but years of this kind of pretending made it wearisome – he truly just didn't have the heart to act anymore. It took all his effort just to make a sound. "Oh."

"See – I knew you'd have this kind of reaction…"

"Well how else did you expect me to react, Mac?!" Harm couldn't help snapping, he was tired of pretending this didn't hurt like hell. His mind couldn't even fathom that she could do this to him again - after all they'd been through since Christmas. He quickly rose from the couch and paced towards the door. "Who is it this time?" he quipped.

"What?" Mac was annoyed and confused. He practically begged her to open up and now he was mad at her for it? Damn him anyway, she was never going to understand this man.

"Do I know him?"

"What?! And what makes you so sure it's a him?"

"What?!!" Harm's eyebrows hit the stratosphere. "Gee, I dunno, Mac – I guess I always just assumed I knew you well enough to figure you were a heterosexual… but who knows anymore!"

Mac just stared at Harm for a second as the wheels engaged slowly in her head. Suddenly, she brought her hand to her mouth and stifled a giggle.

"Oh, don't Mac – this really isn't funny." Harm grabbed his jacket off the back of the kitchen chair and started to straighten his tie. "I've got to get going…"

"Harm – come here."

He couldn't meet her eyes. He actually felt sick. "No, Mac – I'm sorry but I just can't go through this again."

"Harm!"

"What?" he replied miserably.

She reached up and pulled both of his hands so that he sat down beside her. She looked him directly in the eyes. "Harm… a shrink… I've been seeing a shrink… professionally."

He just stared at her before his face finally fell. "So you're not…?"

"No." She shook her head.

Harm's expression was a complete blank for a moment before he dropped his head face down onto Mac's thigh and shook it back and forth. She rubbed his back between his shoulder blades and chuckled. "Are you going to be okay?"

Harm shook his head vehemently again without lifting it. "I don't understand what it is about you that makes me absolutely crazy..."

She waited, continuing the soothing circles on his back, and sighed "It's OK, Harm. If it helps any… the feeling is entirely mutual." She closed her eyes, savoring the intense energy that was emanating from his body, until he finally lifted his head.

He didn't say a word or look at her as he rose from the couch, but he walked into the kitchen where she heard him splash water on his face and then grab a piece of paper towel. She turned and watched him stare out the kitchen window into the blackness for a few moments before he suddenly turned and walked back out to the living room. Instead of returning to his previous spot on the sofa however, he passed by her, grabbing her hand and indicating the other end of the end of the couch with a tilt of his head. "Turn around" he said quietly as he sat down, one knee hitched up on the cushion and his back towards the arm. He reached around Mac's middle and pulled her back against him while he buried his face in her neck for a moment. Finally, he took both her hands gently in his and spoke into her ear. "Let's start again, Mac." He breathed deeply and forced his voice into a more positive tone. "So, you're talking to a psychiatrist? I think that's really good."

Mac chuckled. "You do?"

"Yes, I do. And as you can tell from my recent behavior, I'm seriously considering seeing one myself."

Mac laughed and squeezed his hands, letting her head fall back against his shoulder with a bone draining sigh.

Harm softly moved her hair away from her neck with his index finger. "Mac, I don't understand why you'd imagine I could think less of you for that."

"Maybe because I think less of myself for it?"

"There's no need, Mac. Talking out your problems can be an immense help. Maybe I used to be skeptical about these things, but Mattie proved to me how much Alateen helped her… it really does make a lot of sense."

"But I'm a Marine, Harm. I'm supposed to be able to handle things like Sadik. I know it sounds stupid, but Marines are trained to take lives and… I don't know… I just feel it shouldn't have affected me that much."

"Mac, you've always had trouble with taking lives at close range… remember that poacher? And before you take that as an insult – don't! I can't imagine any reason why you'd think that your remorse at taking a life would make me think less of you. In reality, it only strengthens my admiration."

"You've had to take life at close range and you don't need to see a shrink over it."

"Mac, my ability to cover up my emotions shouldn't be used as a measuring stick for anybody! Look where it's gotten me – I spent over half my life chasing the ghost of my father – now I'm 41, alone and miserable…"

Mac held his hand up to her cheek caressed it in response. She was saddened by his admittance of being miserable. Lately, she had been so caught up in her own unhappiness, she didn't entirely appreciate Harm's state of mind. She felt a sudden overwhelming need for him as he rested his forehead against the back of her hair.

"So, has it been helping?"

"Some." She nodded. "But… we haven't been only talking about that…"

"Oh?"

"Yeah… we've talked a lot about… just… my relationships and stuff."

Harm chuckled slightly "Uh-oh."

"Oh yeah." Mac smiled

Harm squeezed her hands again. "Am I… going to like the outcome of these conversations?"

"Well… the outcome has yet to be decided, but I have to say that you're definitely being touted as a heavy favorite."

Harm brushed his thumbs over the backs of her hands. "I don't suppose you can talk to me about any of this stuff? I can be a pretty good listener, you know."

"Harm, I know… believe me…" she sighed and threaded her fingers through his, "… it's just all so complicated right now." She shifted uncomfortably, "There's… what we talked about in the car the other day… but also it seems I can't even begin to sort out…" she lifted their joined hands "…this… because I can't seem to get past the endometriosis either."

"Mac, we talked about that… I don't see how it has to prevent us…"

"No Harm, you talked about that!" She stopped herself from getting harsh and took a deep breath. "Sorry… but I just mean to say… well…" she paused, struggling to find the right words.

Harm squeezed her hands, "Just tell me, Mac."

"It's just that… I don't know, maybe I'm being selfish, but I don't want to just raise a child, Harm – it's not enough. I need to feel it grow inside me… to know that I gave it life…" She shook her head again. "I don't know… maybe guys have trouble understanding that…"

"No, Mac. I know exactly what you mean." He paused and his voice became tender. "You know, for me, sometimes just the whole idea of having a baby is a little overwhelming. Not the responsibility… I'm good with that … it's just the whole idea that… you know… we would make it… together. That somehow, a little bit of you and a little bit of me could become this entirely new being that would never have existed if it hadn't have been for the two of us being together." Harm shook his head in wonder, "I don't know, it's like…"

Mesmerized, Mac almost whispered, "like collaborating with God…"

"Yes…" he breathed in her ear, "…exactly. Like collaborating with God."

Mac's shoulders slumped forward and tears started down her cheeks "But don't you see, Harm? That's exactly it! The idea that I can't do that with you… I think it's killing me…"

Mac dissolved into heart wrenching sobs and turned into Harm's arms as he leaned back against the couch. "Shhh… Mac… it's OK…" he stroked her hair as tears filled his own eyes. "Just don't give up on it, okay? We can always try… just please don't give up on us yet…"

Mac sobbed into his chest until she had nothing left and sleep finally overtook her. Harm, stroking her hair and whispering words of comfort, drifted off soon after.

TBC