99.9 Percent Guaranteed
By: xxtarragonxx
Warnings: See previous chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own ANY OF THIS. D=
AN: So, haha, XD I keep on disappearing for a while then like reappearing later.
Yeah, sorry about that. ANYWAY, I should probably continue dodging these bricks and writing the chapter.
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Naruto POV
I wake up with a giant smile on my face. I get ready with a giant smile on my face. I walk in school early with a giant smile on my face. Yeah, right now you're probably thinking "What the fuck is up with this crazy, psycho, delusional, all smiles blonde?" Well, if you can remember the last chapter I had found myself a potential person to lose my virginity too. Yeah, that's right, I'm so going compile a list and hold like a fucking lottery or something. I could make thousands of dollars off of my virginity now that I think about it. ANYWAY, I was walking down the halls when I spy Sasuke muttering to himself in his own homeroom alone. I poke my head through the door, "You know, you could stop being an antisocial ho. Yes, I called you an antisocial ho. AND YES I KNOW WHAT ANTISOCIAL MEANS." There was an awkward pause as Sasuke stares at me with a 'what the fuck is wrong with you' expression. I pout, turn around, and continue to walk through the halls.
I soon spot Gaara acting all badass by his locker, I wave and he nods at me. "What's up, Gaara?" He stared at me for a bit before pulling something out of his backpack and shoving it into my arms. I stare down at it and realize it was a carving…of me. "Aw, this is both romantic and creepy at the same time. I mean, I don't know if I should slap you or kiss you!" "The latter is preferred." Gaara says lowly. I grin up at him, "What about a big hug!?" Gaara takes a step back. "Yeah, that's what I thought!" I mock, sticking out my tongue. "Oh, oh, oh! I know, I can add you to the list!" Gaara raises a non-existent eyebrow, "List?" I put the carving in one and start to rummage through my backpack, damnit, where is it? "Aha!" I exclaim pulling out a bright orange notebook. "Have a pen?" I ask, Gaara nods and hands me a red editing pen. "Awesome," I smile as I jot down his name right below Sais'.
Gaara's curious, I can feel his stare. So I turn around and flash (not like, in the sick "OMG LOOK AT MY BOOOBZ" way, Jesus, get a life, I'm not Sakura...) the notebook at him. He stares at the title.
Gaara POV
I stare at Uzumaki's notebook and read the title. The People That Might Possibly Have A Chance At My Virginity Maybe. Holy Satan, what was up with people and their long ass titles for lists? I trail my eyes down the paper, and I see my name and a different person's. I glare at his name for a while. Sai…wait…what was his last name again? So Mr. Wait What Was His Last Name Again thinks he can win over Naruto's virginity. Never. "Excuse me, Uzumaki. I have an important…meeting to attend to." (insert knuckle crack) "Yeah, yeah, I got to set up my next prank anyway." And with that me and Uzumaki turn around and start walking in the opposite directions.
Sakura POV
Oh my, I wonder if I'm showing enough of my breasts for Sasuke-kun! I tug down my too short shirt down so that my beautiful breasts are practically in Sasuke's face! He won't be able to resist me today! My discount plastic surgeon did wonders. I'm thinking of getting a(nother) nose job done. I heard that Sasuke likes rounder noses, mine's a little too pointy. Oh and maybe I can get a tummy tuck too. I raise a graceful (snort) hand and push a couple of soft strawberry locks behind my right ear. How Sasuke could want anyone other than me I'll never know. I walk into homeroom and see Itachi-sensei staring at me. Probably admiring my beauty, I sit in my seat and that's when it happened. A giant bucket fell on my head and I screamed in horror, maybe Sasuke would save me! "Oh godddd it's eating my brain! Saasssuukkeeee-coooonnn saavee meeeeee."
"Haruno there's no need to interrupt the class with your stupid ramblings." Itachi-sensei drones. I tug the bucket off my head and see it labeled "Property of Uzumaki Naruto". "Uchiha-seeensseeei luukk at thiz!" I say pointing to the label, "That bitch shuld get in troubul nawt meeeeee!" I turn to that stupid, virgin blond and point an accusing finger at her, "YOOOUUUUUUU."
Naruto POV
"HOPE YOU LIKE LIME GREEN HAIR, BANSHEE!" I scream back at her. I can see a tick mark on Itachi-teme's forehead. But what makes me happy is that everyone in the classroom is laughing at Sakura's ridiculous hair. Yes, I Uzumaki Naruto (the great) just dyed Sakura Haruno (the banshee)'s hair lime green. The dye also splashed a bit on her face giving her a sickly look. However though, oddly, it was an improvement. Holy crap, I should host a makeover T.V. show for like, uber-ugly sluts. Suddenly Itachi-teme stood up and glared at Sakura. "Out of the classroom." "Whaaaaaa?" "I SAID OUT, TO THE PRINCIPAL!" He roars. Even I'm slightly scared at his tone.
Then he turns on me, "I'm not going to punish you harshly because it was partly her own fault for not seeing a giant orange bucket teetering above her seat, but you have detention with me tonight." I blanch. He…he's going to rape me. I just know it. I mean, it's like gut feeling. My face turns bright red in RAGE. But I keep my comments to myself, because I'm smart. "WHY DO I GET DETENTION?!?" Yeah, scratch that. I don't know, it always just bursts out. It's not fun; I think I may have a disease. "Two days of detention."
"WHAAT, THAT'S NOT FAIR!" "Three!"
…Yeah, I'm not THAT stupid; I shut up and plop down in my seat. I turn to my left to complain to Shikamaru, I mean, my friends will only insult me (great friends, right?). "Jesus, why did I get detention with the teacher I don't want to get detention with? I mean, she had it coming, and I wanted to beat Kyuubi to the punch." I whine quietly to him. He picks his head off of the table and glances around, "You were talking to me? Ah, so much trouble." I almost smack him. Okay, never mind, I smack him across the back of his head. "Jesus, is everyone but yourself troublesome." Shikamaru nodded before dropping his head back into his lap. My eye twitches dangerously.
Although, it was kind of nice for a change, you know, him being a complete ass rather trying to be overly nice or an ass on purpose (Sai). He was just being himself. I give him the once over. For a guy who didn't seem to want to lift a finger, much less work out, he was pretty fit. "Hmm I'll think about it." Shikamaru glanced my way in confusion and I just grin. Let him think for once.
Then the bell rings and I hop out of my seat as I walk my way towards the door, the calendar catches my eye, and I see that in 4 days it would be winter break. Which meant new schedules. I punch my fist into the air and glance back at Itachi. Maybe with the right amount of persuasion and cunning I would be able to switch homerooms. I grin. Yes, a plan was already forming in my head.
Hopefully I would be rid of one psycho!
Sai POV
I was walking around minding my own business when I bump into Gaara. I heard about him from some rambling girl apparently he was supposed to be really tough. He was glaring at me and I almost laugh when I realize I am taller than him. I snort, tough my pale Asian dick. "I have a question for you." Gaara growls out. I nod, "What is it Gaara-san?" "Oh don't Gaara-san me, what the fuck where are you doing on Uzumaki Naruto's list?" I of course have no idea what he's talking about, but to be a jackass I just smirk.
He cracks his knuckles and takes a step towards me. My smirk widens. "Midget." I say tauntingly. His face cracks into a smile, a really creepy smile.
And well it turns out that midgets hurt a lot.
I was a quivering pile of goo after he was finished with me. And not in the pile of goo that girls become after Sasuke-san winks at them or something, I mean the bad kind. He crushed my bones, grinded them into paste and all in one paragraph. Yeah, ouch. Oh well, at least I still have my dick. I think.
Kyuubi POV
I am furious. Naruto was able to pull "Make Pink Rhino- Green Rhino" before me! Damn E-bay and their slow ass way of shipping things. I even used express. I groan. Now I need to think of a new prank. I hate that Naruto and I think exactly the same. Wait. To beat Naruto to a prank is to think differently.
Oh my god, I'm so fucking smart. I pause in my walking down the hall and lean my head against the wall (Naruto's not the only one that can rhyme, dammit). Hmm, what should I do? Then suddenly it hit me. I knew exactly what to do.
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Whoo! Finally got this done. XD Sorry for taking a while, my brain was filled with sleaze because I was forced to go to Las Vegas. Yeah. IT WASN'T FUN. It was actually quite horrible.
Paladin: So what, I'm like a permanent thing here now?
Tarra: Nah, I'll probably get tired of this a couple of chapters down.
Paladin: So I should enjoy it while it lasts?
Tarra: Yeah.
Paladin: :D
Tarra: What was with the emoticon?
Paladin: Nothing at all. :D
Tarra: Alright, if you say so. –walks off- What the fuck?! –suddenly trips and falls into a vat orange dye- …Okay where the fuck did you get the orange dye?
Paladin: -shrug- It's the AN, we have everything here.
Tarra: And how –points to giant vat- did that get there?
Paladin: I don't fucking know! You're the one that writes these lame-ass things.
Tarra: Oh, yeah. ;D
Sasuke: -streaks across screen-
Naruto: -juggles pancakes while running after Sasuke with a whip-
Paladin: …..
Tarra: I win.
-cough-
Yes, I do. :3
I'm so proud of myself.
-pats self-
Also I'm starting a new story...again. XD -gets brick'd- BUT however, I won't post it until I at least have 10 chapters done. So yeah.
You should review. Because every time you review, Daniel Radcliffe hugs a kitten.
So do it.
DO IT.
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