James

She was running ahead of me, laughing, her deep red hair billowing behind her as she whipped her head around to see how close I was to overtaking her. The grass shimmered in golden waves for as far as I could see, and if not for the bright spot in the limitless expanse of blue above me, I would have sworn I was soaring over the surface of the sun. Her laugh rang out like a clear bell, followed immediately by my coarse echo. My lungs burned from the chase, but I knew it would be over soon…

With a lunge, I overtook her, seized her around the waist. Although she had been running full out a second before, the moment she felt my hand on her hip she slowed, relaxed into my hold. I spun her round, clasping her close, and we fell together, trust personified.

The golden stalks broke our fall nicely, and we lay there tangled as our breathing settled. She wound herself around me, laid her head against my heart, and in that moment I wanted nothing more. She was radiant, shatteringly lovely, but I did not want to taste those soft lips or caress her creamy, rose-tinted skin. I just wanted to hold her until we faded away, grew old in silence, because in that moment my entire world, my past, present, and future, was cradled in my arms.

It didn't last. How could it? Nothing perfect ever does. But in this particular instance, it didn't last because I woke up.

A few days after I had the strange dream, I was lying in bed staring idly at the window. I had a free period, so I was just killing time before Transfiguration started. I was simultaneously thinking about Lily and trying with everything I had not to think about Lily, because I knew that the version of her that had invaded my dream world had only form in common with the one that inhabited my waking life. Lily would never trust me, and she could certainly never love me. She thought I was a conceited, spoiled git who preyed on those infatuated with him. She thought I didn't care about any of the girls I dated, and that I dumped them all the minute they ceased to satisfy my needs.

Honestly, this couldn't be farther from the truth. Even last year, before I realized the depth of Lily's hatred for me, I still looked at every girl as a potential escape from her. It wasn't that I didn't want to be with them, and I never treated them badly when I had to break it off. It was just that none of them were her. Even when I tried to distance myself from my infatuation as much as possible, dating girls that had nothing in common with Lily, the best thing about them would always remind me of her.

Take Ana Whitaker, for example. On the outside, she and Lily shared absolutely no attributes. While Lily was petite and slender, Ana was tall and curvy. Her deep black hair, smoky dark eyes, and tanned glowing skin made her complexion the polar opposite of Lily's. Where Lily was shy, she was outgoing. Where Lily was studious, she didn't give a damn. But her kindness to a lost first year one day in the hall reminded me of the time I'd seen Lily consoling a crying girl of the same age in fourth year, and just like that, I couldn't stand to be with her anymore.

Delia Bradshaw was also very different from Lily, with her pin-straight blond hair, bright blue eyes, and bubbly personality. But her excitement one day when she stayed after to discuss a spell with our Defense teacher was too reminiscent of the obvious happiness in Lily's voice whenever I overheard her discussing magical theory with Flitwick or McGonagall, and with a twist of my stomach, I realized that we were over.

The situation with Marlene wasn't so different. I liked her because she wasn't anything like any one of her best friends, or so I'd thought. But when she proved to be just as fragile and good as the girl I couldn't stand to offend, I knew that that was the end.

It had always been too hard not to love Lily, and the dream I couldn't help dwelling on reminded me of that. But then I remembered her cruelty to Marlene that day, her totally flawed judgment of me, and thought that it was about to get a whole lot easier.

Lily

I was failing. There was no other word for it. The encounter with Severus the day before, the continued teasing I had to put up with because of the whole New Years Eve incident, and the fact that Marlene and I were still on the outs, had rendered me physically and emotionally drained. My concentration was wrecked, and it showed in my spellwork. Every time I tried to cast the relatively simple Bubble Head Charm, a group of annoying Ravenclaws who sat in the back of my Charms class would burst into giggles and the iridescent film which had begun to enclose my head would rupture, much to their amusement. I wanted nothing more than to put my head down on my desk and sleep, but I knew that Flitwick would dock points from my class participation grade if I did so, and I refused to let all the stupid non-scandal surrounding me effect my grades. As tempting as it was to accept defeat, I kept my head up and ignored my classmates' cruel, derisive titters. I knew that they loved seeing the mighty Lily Evans get knocked down a peg, but I refused to let them see how much my lack of competence today was bothering me.

When class was dismissed, I rushed out of the room so fast I left my Charms notebook and favorite quill behind, but there was no way I was going back into the lion's den to retrieve them. Let Ellen and her minions have them, I thought bitterly. It's not like you need them anyway considering you've just proven yourself to be a drooling idiot -

"Oi! Lily!"

A familiar and totally unwelcome voice sounded from behind me. In disbelief, I swung around to see Sirius Black hurrying in my direction, holding my notebook and quill aloft. I didn't know whether to feel relieved that my possessions were being returned or annoyed that he was probably going to berate me for what I'd said about his best friend, since I was sure Marlene had passed that tidbit along. In truth, I'd been feeling increasingly awful about the way I'd treated Marlene, but I'd spoken my honest opinion of Potter, and my pride would not allow me to retract it, even if the cost was the cold shoulder from a girl I'd considered a sister since age eleven. But after all, I thought pessimistically, being someone's sister doesn't mean they can't decide they hate you, and never speak to you again…

I was absolutely paralyzed with horror to feel tears spring to my eyes as I thought about the people I'd either lost or alienated. Petunia, Severus, Marlene…it was all just too much! Was there something wrong with me? Was I doomed to always either cast away or be cast off from those I loved? Would Alice be next? My parents? Was I going to end up alone and bitter, disillusioned with the world and universally despised?

Hastily, I ended this melodramatic train of thought and quickly turned to the wall, wiping away the tears that had spilled over despite my best effort to keep my eyes dry. Hunching my shoulders, I prayed that Black would just take the hint and go away, but it was no use. I heard his footsteps slow, and then all of a sudden there was a hand on my shoulder. I started, but he disregarded my surprise, moving so that he stood beside me, close enough to keep the conversation private without invading my personal space.

"Hey, Lils," he said softly, and his ridiculous nickname for me made me laugh despite my misery. "There's that smile we've all been missing," he added gently, and then, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Unable to speak, I nodded. Handing me my notebook and quill, he placed a warm palm on my spine and guided me wordlessly to a classroom, where we sat down in two desks near the front of the room. Now that I had recovered slightly from my miniature breakdown, I was positively burning with questions, and I didn't hesitate to give voice to my most pressing concern.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" I choked out, not really caring how it sounded. I needed to know what was in this for him. I forced myself to look him in the eyes, and to my utter shock, he burst into laughter.

"How is this funny?" I demanded impatiently, not bothering to alter my accusing tone. This only made him laugh harder. Sighing rather childishly, I folded my arms and leaned back against the desk, waiting for him to enlighten me. When he finally managed to contain himself, I was surprised at the steadiness of his gaze.

"I'm sorry, Lily," he said earnestly. "It's just so you. I'm trying to help you, and you're suspicious. You think I just want something from you, right? And you're trying to figure out what it is so that you can figure out if it's a price you're willing to pay."

A coldness permeated my chest as I realized the truth of his words. God, was I really so guarded and manipulative? I didn't have to look hard for the answer. People didn't refer to me as Gryffindor's Ice Queen for nothing. At last succumbing to my despair, I rested my head on the cool desk, moaning "I should have been in Slytherin."

Sirius snorted. "Lily, I know you're depressed, but don't talk rubbish. You're not a snake. You're honest and loyal and brave and kind, and yeah you have this weird thing where you can't trust people - like at all - but that doesn't make you a bad person. Neither does one rash thing said when you were really mad and scared and confused. Everyone fights with their friends. The only difference with you is you're too damn proud to give in and too stubborn to forgive yourself. You gotta work on that, Lils. You can't spend your whole life beating yourself up."

Sometime during this speech I had raised my head and was now staring at Sirius with my lips parted, completely aghast. He smiled at my expression, a firelight glittering in his black eyes, and seemed to guess what I was thinking.

"Yeah, I know about that," he continued gently. "And it was a bloody terrible thing to say - I'm not denying that. But I don't blame you. James, bless the stupid prat, has never given you any reason to believe that he's anything other than a - what was it you said, you have such a nice way with words - oh yeah - 'arrogant, bullying toerag', wasn't it?

I simply gaped at him still. He plowed on determinedly.

"What I'm trying to say, Lily, is that I forgive you. I know you don't believe me, but you're wrong about James, the same way you're wrong about me. Think about it - up until now, you probably thought I was the biggest jerk on the planet, right? And I'm not saying I didn't give you cause to think that. But I'm telling you right now, Lily, the world would be a lot darker of a place if people weren't allowed to mess up. You would be a bad person for having said those things to Marlene, and there'd be no going back. Is that really the kind of world you want to live in, Lily?"

He was making sense, but I still had a grain of stubborn, untrusting resistance left in me. "What do you want me to say, Sirius? I'm sorry, I had you all wrong, and Ja- Potter, too? I'm sorry, but I can't give you that. That's just not the way I am."

Sirius' face broke into a wide smile, surprising me yet again. "Well then, I guess we'll just have to prove it to you, won't we?"

A/N: I know, I know. It's been forever. I don't really have anything to say for myself other than that I'm super busy with college applications and I'm sorry. If you still care about this story, I'm glad, and as always, it would mean the world to me if you would leave a review with your thoughts.