Shades of Gray
Disclaimer: I do not own OTH or anything related.
Previously:
Peyton informs Lucas that she is pregnant. Lucas ask Peyton to marry him. (Realizing, how horrible that looks. Haha)
Chapter Ten
Seated beside him, Peyton felt a mix of emotions. They had been down this road before, and perhaps that's where the problem lied for her.
Lucas was proposing again and it brought to the forefront a doubt about them, about him that had gotten jumbled, overlooked in the state of contentment they had been living in for some time now.
Maybe she just buried it because it was necessary, because she wanted to.
But it was there now, a small seed of doubt, but there nonetheless, creeping into the moment, pulling at her. It pulled her off the bed and onto her feet.
When she asked Lucas if she would be able to count on him this time around it was because she needed to and because she had a right to ask.
"I let you get away from me more times than I'd like to admit Peyton, for many and the same reasons, being too stubborn to admit what I really felt, the most notable explanation."
On his feet, the truth in his words propelled him forward. He stopped in front of her, leveled his eyes to meet hers. "Letting you go, letting family come between us, hurting you the way that I did, I don't want to make those mistakes again. I wont."
Peyton's hesitation didn't surprise Lucas. He expected it, understood and respected her apprehension, her desire to be sure not only for herself, but for the small life she carried inside her. He let the proposal linger regardless, hers to accept or decline.
Married or not, they were tied together, now more so than ever. Sometimes it was still hard for Peyton to wrap her head around how this boy, now a man had allowed his fate to become so inextricably tangled with hers.
That small, nagging voice inside Peyton's head quieted down, no longer pestering her with what if scenarios. Instead she listened to her heart, and when it came to matters with Lucas that's where her heart always spoke the loudest.
After everything, she still wanted him, wanted everything with him. Couldn't imagine herself anywhere else, with anyone else but him.
There was no doubt that she loved Lucas and that he loved her. She was certain of that. As for a happy life together, she could only hope for the best.
"Yes, I'll marry you."
The sound of laughter filled the space between where Lucas stood peering into the refrigerator inside his former home and his mother. It was the first genuine laugh he had heard from her in long time. It's familiarity both surprised and comforted him.
He hadn't meant to eavesdrop on her fifteen minute phone conversation, or to pry once the call had ended, but if he hadn't, he knew it would be a while before he got any truth from her.
"Is Andy coming to town?" Lucas asked when his mother finally joined him outside on the porch steps that were well worn, but kept clean. It had been sometime since they had physically seen the affluent New Zealander, years even, but Lucas had always liked the man. He liked even more that he had once made his mother happy.
Soft brown eyes, pinned him with a look meant to shame for spying, for snooping, but it was then accompanied by a small smile. Whether it was meant for him or brought about at the mention of Andy, he wasn't sure. Either way, it was nice to see his mother in a good mood. He thought maybe it would help temper the hurt he was sure she'd feel when he revealed some of his own secrets that he'd been carrying around as of late.
"I don't know. Maybe", Karen replied after a period of silence.
"Do you want him to come?" It was a question Lucas could sense that she was actively mauling over. On the small space of the porch steps, he felt her settle down beside him.
Lucas knew Andy still loved his mom. In recent and past phone calls he has shared with the man, the remorse Andy felt for his mother's unfortunate situation was evident, as was the love, and the longing he still felt for her.
His right hand fell to a knee covered delicately in a blue-green cotton skirt in a comforting gesture.
"You don't have to punish yourself mom. You can let yourself be happy. You deserve to be." They were words that had once been on the tip of his tongue, but held back because of timing, out his respect for her right to grieve the loss of her daughter. Twice.
They were words that he realizes now ring true to himself and his existing situation in so many ways.
When her face crumpled, he knew tears were on the verge of being shed, but she doesn't cry and it really shouldn't surprise him because his mother was always skilled at masking her emotions, even with him.
"I'm too old to do the whole dating thing again," she murmured with a heavy sigh, sweeping her short hair behind her ears. He tilted his head as he watched her, was surprised by both how much her grief had changed her and how much she had remained the same. He smiled briefly at her old fashioned senses.
"Not too old to be a grandmother, I hope." It was a perfect lead in, Lucas thought and he threw it out there before he lost his nerve.
"Peyton's pregnant."
It was out in the open now, and Lucas smiled, the legitimacy of the condition felt more real now that he had finally told his mother.
Karen met Lucas' gaze with narrowed eyes that unmistakably relayed her offense, her disapproval. Even though he had expected such reaction, he had still held on to a small fragment of hope that the news of a grandchild would be bring a smile to his mother face instead of a frown.
He tried his best to not show irritation, to hide his disappointment, but instead allowed time for his words, for such reality to sink in.
"I want to be happy for you Lucas. I do, but it's-"
"Complicated." Lucas finished for her. "I know," he whispered in acquiesce. "It's complicated and it's messy, and seeing Peyton probably only brings up emotions and memories you'd rather not relive, and things you wont ever forget. He paused. "But I want my son or daughter to know his or her grandmother."
Lucas threw his mother a meaningful look, hoping that she would realize that even though they didn't agree on his current life choices that family was still important to him, that their family was still important.
"Besides", he started with a slight nudge to her arm. "You should want to take advantage of being the only grandparent who wont be absentee by choice, dead or incarcerated."
It was an easy thing to do now, to make a joke of Peyton's and his own family issues, but it still hurt when either of them really thought about it.
When that last assertion didn't reap the positive reaction from his mother as he had hope for, Lucas opted for a different approach.
"Peyton and I are getting married mom and we're starting our own family… I don't want to have to choose between you and Peyton, but I will if I have to."
They weren't words Lucas imagined that he would ever have to say to anyone, let alone his own mother, but even so as abrasive as they were they had rolled easily off his tongue even to his own surprise and he hadn't felt the least bit inclined to take them back.
Karen stood on her feet now, her face taut with anguish and desperate anger. "What about Lily?" She cried out to Lucas' retreating figure. It was such a helpless cry, the sound of heartbreak from a mother who felt like she was losing everyone around her, everyone she loved.
Lucas flinched as the words lashed into him, they stopped him mid stride as he trudged down the porch steps. The remark was meant to make him feel guilty, and ashamed. He was sure of it. Such a harsh tactic had worked back when he had felt the loss of his sister just as acutely as anyone, when his hurt and anger was still raw, muddling everything around him.
But not this time.
He turned around slowly to face his mother. In her gaze wasn't the reassurance and the quiet strength he'd depended upon so often in the past, but something else and he wasn't too confident that it was going to go away.
As he stood before her, her soft brown eyes reluctant to engage him any longer, his heart softened, but it wasn't because her question affected him in the way that she anticipated.
The words phased him in such a way that only made him want to reach out and comfort her, nothing more.
"This isn't about Lily mom", Lucas exclaimed, the last of his restraints falling away. "It's about me and what I want, what I need.
Lily's gone mom… and Keith. They aren't coming back, no matter how much we may want them to. We don't have to die with them."
Unaccompanied on the porch steps, his mother seemed so tiny and fragile. A house, that once seemed perfectly crafted for the two of them, now seemed too big for her alone, but too small for the depth of grief, for all the scars she would carry and it would always serve as a constant reminder of all that they had lost.
"I'm still here", Lucas went on. "If you want to make this about Lily, fine. I would like to think that Lily would want me to be happy. With Peyton."
Lucas didn't hang around to see if his mother had been swayed by that bit of certainty. He felt that he had said enough. It was now a waiting game, the ball was in his mother's court, but he wouldn't wait around forever. He had his own life to live now, a family of his own to think about, to put first, just as his mother had done for him all those years ago. It was a gamble , but he had nothing to put on the table but the truth.
With much apprehension, fingers laced together, Peyton followed Brooke's lead as they walked down the hallway and into the nursery. It was a small room, once allocated solely for her precious art work but a space Peyton had gladly given up to accommodate the much more precious life growing inside of her.
Once settled into the room, an overly excited Brooke clapped her hands together, gestured to the items in front of them, the elaborate bangles on her wrist clashing together with the flurry of movement. "So what do you want to open first?"
Peyton shook her head in both a mixture of shock and excitement. What was once a sparse and pretty much abandoned room was now fully aligned in a sea of gift boxes and decorative shopping bags.
"Brooke, what happened to just looking at paint samples? You've completely outdone yourself. Is there anything left for me to buy, let alone any possible guests for a baby shower?"
"Well, you know what they say 'you snooze you lose' ".
"There's also a lot of pinks and purples here Brooke. What if I'm having a boy? Returning all this stuff would be a nightmare."
Peyton picked up a box, examining its contents through the see-through plastic frame. She couldn't make a guess to as what is was or what it would be used for, and if she knew her friend, she was sure Brooke had no idea either. But the box was appealing, and that's probably all that mattered to Brooke.
"Return them? The majority of these clothes are handcrafted originals, thank you very much", Brooke boasted pointing to a label inside one of the cute onesies she picked out from one of the numerous bags displayed at their feet.
"This blue bear, is pretty neutral, don't you think?" Brooke asked after a moment.
"I Thought you were still on the fence about starting a baby clothing line, being that you were never a huge fan of kids in your stores," Peyton stated.
"This is different, I'm going to be an auntie and I'm also a god mother. What greater inspiration?" The brunette gushed. "And if little Brooke is going to be a model we have to get her started in the right direction. You and Lucas never have had the best sense when it comes to fashion."
"Huh. I'll pretend I wasn't offended by that," Peyton replied through a humorless smile.
"You're having a baby!" Brooke exclaimed again for the millionth time since she had been notified, but this time the news doesn't still seem so shocking, and it seems to have finally settled into her mind.
The very noticeable and still expanding belly between them only help to cement any further disbelief.
Instantly they were both in tears, and then they were laughing.
After a while, Brooke spoke earnestly, her face reflecting her feeling, hiding nothing. "I want this. A baby….a fiancé." She paused, fingers gracing the pre assembled, spacious baby crib beside her. "Not in that particular order. Pretty backwards there Sawyer or should I say Scott?"
"You will Brooke. I Know it, but you have to be open to it. Open up that heart of yours."
To Peyton's reassuring smile, Brooke gave an uncertain shrug.
Peyton didn't know the last time Brooke allowed herself to go out on a date, at least a real one anyway, and she didn't bring it up either knowing that it was a sore spot for her best friend, much like any unwelcome suggestions Peyton made about minimizing her work schedule. It failed to register with Brooke, but her extreme devotion to her craft was a big factor in why she often spent her nights alone.
"How do you think Karen is taking the news?" Brooke asked. Peyton refrained from rolling her eyes, recognizing that Brooke was deflecting the attention from herself, gladly handing the spotlight back to her.
"I don't know. I'm trying not to worry about it," Peyton answered.
"So it doesn't make a difference what she thinks?" Brooke attempted to clarify.
"It matters. It matters to Luke anyway. I don't want to be hopeful, because I'm too sure I'll end up disappointed." Peyton finished with a frown. "If her reaction is anything opposite of what I expect it to be, I'll be pleasantly surprised."
The people that had made up significant pieces of her life were so fragmented, bitter and distant. And yet, even though she was working on being content with just putting it all behind her it was a matter that managed to find its way into almost every aspect of her life in even the smallest of ways.
Brooke was silent, watchful. Expecting more.
"There's just a lot of resentment built up, and not just between me and Karen, but between me and Haley and even Lucas and Haley. I'm barely dealing with it. It's hard. What am I going to tell my child? Kids see things, and they have a lot of questions."
"Well babies, you know, always have a way of bringing people together, especially the cute ones."
Peyton frowned again. Although a good reason, she didn't want her child to be the only reason why her broken relationships were restored.
"Don't worry P. Scott. You and broody will have the best looking baby in town, " Brooke back-tracked at the sight of Peyton's frown. "For now, anyway", the brunette then amended quickly with a wink.
Brooke took Peyton's hand in hers, the blonde's once familiar engagement ring sat on her ring finger, the glass of the small gem catching in the afternoon light. "You're right there's a lot of resentment, distrust and whatever else that may or may not be worked out, but there's also a lot of love, a lot. I mean, look at all this stuff I brought, and I haven't even met the little one yet. You can tell my niece or nephew that."
Brooke's words, just a rush of simple sentences, were weighted with a truth Peyton knew was near and certain, she felt guilty for easily overlooking it.
"Thanks Brooke, and thanks for all of this. It means more than you know."
"No." Brooke disagreed, and looked thoughtfully at her best friend. " I know."
Hours later, when Lucas found her in the nursery, the scent of dried sweat clung to his clothes. His hands were stained from where he'd palmed a basketball on years of worn asphalt.
Peyton didn't bother to ask him where he had been or why. She knew.
She met him in the middle of the room, the space now almost clutter free of baby belongings.
She smiled lightly, but it felt false, and she couldn't sustain it.
When Lucas embraced his wife to be, it wasn't because he felt her pity or saw on her face the responsibility she felt, but because he knew if he had to go through it all again, only to be standing in front of Peyton now, his arms not only wrapped around her, but the life inside her as well, he would take that risk again, without hesitation.
I wont make excuses. Here is the long awaited chapter ten. Hope you enjoyed it. If so, let me know. Leave a review.
P.S: From the time in which Lucas proposes to Peyton, and tells Karen about it all a considerable amount of time has passed. A few months.
-Jess