"Oblivion offers solace. Take the gift! Take it!" - Il'gynoth, Heart of Corruption
The time finally came for the Warchief election campaign in Orgrimmar to commence. Many joined the race but quickly dropped out and in the end it all came down to 4 likely candidates: Regent Lord Lor'themar Theron, Trade Prince Jastor Gallywix, Tauren High Chieftain Baine Bloodhoof and Ji Firepaw.
Each candidate had radically different policies and used different campaign promises and slogans to attract voters. Lor'themar was the favorite in the race according to the polls, as he used his naturally sophisticated charm, promises of great economic prosperity and experience of successfully rebuilding and running Silvermoon during a major crisis to win over the public. Baine appealed to the crowd of people seeking honor, justice and tradition. Gallywix appealed to people seeking a restoration of the Horde to its former glory while Ji Firepaw... well... we're not really sure what he was all about considering he was the least competent, didn't speak much and only showed up in the polls in single digits, if interest in him was polled at all.
Tonight, they would all come together and participate in their first public debate ever.
The acting Warchief, High Overlord Saurfang, moderated the debate.
"This meeting will now come to order, everyone please be quiet and let the candidates speaks," he said.
"Thank you, High Overlord," Lor'thermar began, "My slogan as you all know is very simple 'Peace, prosperity, solidarity, durability', these are the pillars that I plan to run the Horde on if you elect me as your Warchief. And I have the experience to do this."
"Yawn! Boring!" Gallywix interrupted.
"Quiet! You will speak when it's your turn!" Saurfang demanded.
"Oh, not a problem, High Overlord Saurfang, I love a good challenge from our favorite 'Prince' Gallywix. Where was I? Oh yes. There are four major areas that the Horde struggles in: food, infrastructure, military and economy. I became Regent Lord of Silvermoon many years ago when the Blood Elves faced that exact crisis. Everything was in shambles due to Arthas' devastation but we recovered. We took back our city, drove away the undead, rebuilt the economy from scratch, ended hunger and... we even reclaimed the Sunwell. My policies can help you recover too if you put your trust in me, citizens of Orgrimmar."
"Pfft, yeah whatever, you didn't get back the Sunwell, 25 people did... some Alliance members included according to the rumors..."
"Prince Gallywix, I heard you faced a similar 'crisis' back on Kezan and it didn't end that well for you."
"Wrong!"
"In fact, I heard you had to beg Warchief Thrall for mercy."
"Wrong!"
"No, it's true."
"Tell you what, Little Lory..."
"It's Lor'themar!"
"Excuse me, I'm talking, Little Lory... why don't you give us some policy specifics? You're all talk, no substance. Like how you plan to fix the poverty and the economy..."
"No problem..."
Crowd cheered. There was a moment of silence. And then another.
"You may continue, Regent Lord," Saurfang said.
Lor'themar just stood still staring at the crowd.
"Regent Lord? The crowd is anxious to hear you."
"Hi customers! Get gold price good boost at the forrowing web server spectral tiger! Your customer dedication fills us with dashfhswaifhgasoghaq!"
The crowd booed him off the stage.
"Get a load of this guy! Hahaha! He wants to be Warchief but he can't even secure his own butt. Literally."
After the debate Lor'themar would fade into the single digits in the polls.
"What a failure..." Saurfang sighed, "Trade Prince Gallywix will speak next."
"Thank you. As you all know, we in a major crisis. I've been through one before. When my home Kezan was attacked by that loser dragon Dorkwing, I not only used my affluence to secure safe passage to Azshara for my people, but we basically rebuilt Kezan in Azshara from scratch and we sued the pants off that stupid Twilight Cult and made millions of gold. It was so great. In fact that is my agenda for the Horde, make it great again. We don't win anymore, we don't have victories anymore because we're run by losers. I will not be a loser! That will not happen! That will not happen!"
"You insult past Warchiefs, Gallywix. You have no honor!" Baine responded.
"Get a load of this guy, 'I have no honor'..."
"You will never rise to the status of Warchief Thrall or Vol'jin."
"Don't talk to me about Vol'jin, alright?"
"Vol'jin was a great war hero who sacrificed for his people. You cannot, Jastor Gallywix."
"Listen here, Big Baine. Vol'jin's a war hero cause he got killed, alright? I prefer survivors. I'm going to be a war hero and live. Dying is for losers! Believe me! We don't need losers anymore leading the Horde!"
"You lack honor and discipline! You will never be Warchief!"
"This coming from a guy who lives in a tent, I mean come on. Big Baine, mighty Chieftain, living in a tiny tent. I live in a mega-mansion. Do you guys really want to elect a Warchief who lives in a tent? I don't think so. I mean come on, if your leader lives in a tent, I can't imagine where you will live..."
The crowd booed Baine.
"My platform is about honor, tradition and justice. Ancestral values crucial to the Horde. To restore the Horde to its glory is to restore these ancestral values."
"Boring! You have no real policies to speak of."
"And you do?"
"Sure."
"What policies, Jastor Gallywix?"
"Jobs!"
"That's not a policy, that's just one word."
"Listen, I will employ people in my businesses, I have many, and then they won't be poor anymore. Got it?"
"What do you plan to do about the Alliance? We've been driven out of Ashenvale. We have no access to vital resources. We are also exposed to potential naval attacks."
"We will build a naval barricade along the eastern coast of Kalimdor and send an invoice to the Alliance."
"That sounds impossible."
"Wrong! It will be great."
The crowd cheered Gallywix.
"Did I mention that I will build beachfront property for everybody? Prime real estate along the coast of Durotar for everyone."
"Now that really is impossible."
"Why? It will solve the housing crisis!"
"We do not have a housing crisis, Gallywix. Half the population of Orgrimmar left. We have a famine and disease crisis."
"Nonsense, when I'm Warchief, our mages will work around the clock summoning delicious food with great nutrients to Orgrimmar. Tables for all!"
The crowd cheered.
"You do realize that kind of food doesn't just pop out of thin air nor is it free, right? That's not how it works at all. Besides, a diet of 100% mana buns is known to cause diabetes. And causing diabetes is not honorable."
"Nah, I don't think so. That's just a Pandaren hoax to steal ya food. And by the way, all the Kor'kron that have been causing trouble for the people? They're all fired! On day one I will disband the Kor'kron, believe me!"
The crowd burst into an even louder cheer.
"In fact, I'll disband it now if you let me since the time to act is always now."
"Hey, that's my campaign slogan!" Ji Firepaw protested.
"Who let you talk, single digiter? Why you even in the race still, you are polling 1% in the polls, you have no path to victory, you have no path. Besides, nobody wants to elect a loser virgin panda, Ji Firepaw. Well, now we know where that name comes from..."
"Hey!"
"You disrespect the other candidates," Baine said.
"You'll get over it once I'm Warchief and everybody's winning again."
"Gallywix! Gallywix! Gallywix!" the crowd started chanting.
And so it came to pass that Gallywix became Warchief of the Horde in a landslide victory.
Later that night...
Warchief Gallywix snuck outside Orgrimmar with his two trusted bodyguards and went straight for the docks to meet his mysterious contact, Lady Goblena, a female goblin entrepreneur who had secretly funded his election campaign.
Goblena awaited for him with a contract, waiting to be signed.
"Congratulations on your victory, Warchief Gallywix. Now, about that deal we discussed..."
Gallywix read the contract again from top to bottom and finally signed it.
"Very well, Lady Goblena. The city of Orgrimmar and its docks all belong to you now, that will be 100 million gold."
"A pleasure doing business with you," she said.