Coming of Age

Act X – Animal Act

"Diarrhea thinks she's funny!" Beavis chanted. "We all know she's wet an' runny!"

"Come on guys," Daria crossed her arms as she sat on her seat impatiently. "Isn't this getting kind of old?"

"Uh, no," Butt-head replied.

"Yeah, we're making up for lost time, damn it!" Beavis agreed. "You try one, Butt-head!"

"Diarrhea, Cha-Cha-Cha!" Butt-head rhymed. "All she says is Blah-Blah-Blah!"

"I can't tell you how much your words are poetry to my ears," Daria remarked sarcastically.

"Yeah, we're poets, heh heh!" Beavis grinned. "Kind of like that Virgin guy."

"Yeah, and didn't he write some book called The Anus?" Butt-head chuckled. "Uh, huh huh huh!"

"It's Virgil," Daria corrected. "And he wrote The Aeneid."

"Career virgin is what she'll be!" Butt-head continued. "Because her thingies you cannot see!"

"Heh heh, good one, Butt-head!"

"Your turn, Beavis."

"Diarrhea is a bore! It's no wonder she can't score!"

"Isn't this getting a little tiresome, guys?" Daria sighed.

"I agree with her," Van Driessen glanced back from the driver's seat. "I think the teasing needs to stop."

"Haha," Stewart chuckled. "Don't worry about Beavis and Butt-head, Daria. They're just playing around."

"Huh huh huh, playing around…"

"Heh heh, I like to play around…"

"I'll bet," Daria looked at the two with a mixture of both respect and disgust.

It had been a long time since she had seen the two. Times had changed but both Beavis and Butt-head had not. For that, Daria couldn't help but admire the two for sticking to their core characters despite all the changes that had occurred in their lives as time passed by like a speeding bullet train. Their tenacity in the face of change was truly something to be in awe of.

"Do you think we can go to the carnival?" Stewart asked as he glanced out the window. "That circus is only five miles down the road."

"Yes, it would do us some good to unwind and take a break from our usual schedule," Cassandra agreed.

"Cool!" Beavis exclaimed. "We're going to a carnival?"

"Uh, a carnival?" Butt-head asked. "You mean with, like, midgets and fat bearded chicks?"

"Yes, maybe we'll even see some of them," Van Driessen replied as me made a turn at the next exit.

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head said to his friend. "Think we'll find your dad at the circus?"

"Hmm, anything's possible," admitted Beavis.

"Or maybe we'll find your mom making out with the animal trainers, huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, she probably whips them," Beavis agreed. "Heh heh heh!"

"No, I think it's the other way around, Beavis," Butt-head corrected.

"Oh yeah, maybe," Beavis agreed compliantly.

As the gang entered into the circus, a flurry of sights and smells greeted them. The animals roared and hissed from their cages as clowns and other circus folk performed their acts with proficient ease. Stewart and Beavis, thus far, seemed to be the most excited about coming to the circus.

"Let's go inside so we can catch the circus acrobats," Van Driessen herded his group towards the tent.

After the gang had entered into the tent, they took their seats on the stands. To Daria's annoyance, both Beavis and Butt-head sat next to her, sandwiching her in the middle.

"So Daria," Butt-head started off. "How did you like Schlongdale?"

"It's Lawndale," Daria corrected.

"Heh heh, Longdale…"

"Very perceptive of you, Beavis," Daria commented.

"So, like, were you still one of those dorky smart kids after you left Highland?" asked Butt-head.

"What do you think?" Daria crossed her legs.

"Uh, I think you're still a career virgin," replied Butt-head.

"Okay…" Daria rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, do it with any guys, Diarrhea?" Beavis mocked. "Heh heh heh!"

"And that would be your business… why?"

"Because we have a right to know," Butt-head told her plainly.

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis snickered. "Did you do it?"

"Sure… if you say so," Daria told them sardonically.

"Whoa!" Butt-head's eyes widened. "Really?"

"I was being sarcastic," informed Daria.

"Beavis, I'm afraid for your future, young man," Butt-head told his companion. "If Daria can do it before you, there's no telling if you'll ever score."

"Butt-head, don't you think it's the slightest bit hypocritical of you to accuse Beavis of not 'scoring' when you yourself haven't even done it?" Daria pointed out.

"Uh, no," Butt-head replied.

"Diarrhea's thingies are a flop," Beavis chanted. "But she wants to be on top!"

"Huh huh huh! Good one, Beavis!"

"Guys, knock it off," Van Driessen told the two. "The show's about to begin."

"Wow, that was the greatest show I've ever seen!" Stewart exclaimed. "Especially when that human cannonball got blasted into the sky!"

"Want to get some cotton candy?" suggested Cassandra. "We can go on the rides afterwards."

"Good idea, guys," Van Driessen said. "Why don't we split up into two groups? Beavis and Butt-head, you two can go with Daria."

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Can I trust you two to get along with Daria this time and not keep teasing her?"

"Don't worry, Mr. Van Driessen," Daria assured him. "I've got it handled. Besides, their behavior amuses me."

"Alright then," Van Driessen nodded. "Have fun."

After Van Driessen, Stewart, and Cassandra walked off, Beavis looked at Butt-head for guidance.

"What do we do now, Butt-head?"

"Uhhh," Butt-head surveyed his surroundings. "Let's go win some prizes or something."

"Trying to score some prizes, huh?" Daria raised her eyebrow.

"Be quiet, Daria!" Beavis ordered. "What would you know about scoring?"

"I know that just like making an attempt to date, your chances of winning a prize at the carnival are also slim to none," replied Daria.

"Yeah, well we'll see about that, Daria," Butt-head retorted.

"Yeah, let's go throw some balls!" Beavis declared.

The three high school graduates walked over towards one of the stands that had been set up. It was a ball-throwing contest. Anyone who was lucky enough to throw a ball and knock down the 10 stacked up pins would win a prize.

"Uh, could we, like, have some balls?" Butt-head requested.

"It's a buck a throw," the vendor informed him.

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head turned to his companion. "Got any money?"

"Yeah, I got a quarter," Beavis reached inside his pocket and took out his change.

"Here you go, sir," Butt-head took the quarter and presented it to the vendor.

"Are you deaf?" the vendor groaned. "I said it was a dollar!"

"It's on me, guys," Daria took out a dollar and gave it to the owner.

"Thanks, Diarrhea," Beavis thanked her with no small amount of sarcasm on his part.

"Alright Daria," Butt-head picked up a ball. "Let me show you how it's done!"

Butt-head threw the ball first. It sailed past the pins due to his innate lack of coordination and control.

"Heh heh, that sucked!" Beavis exclaimed.

"I'd like to see you do better, butt munch!"

"Okay," Beavis replied and took a ball.

This time, Beavis threw the ball a bit too far. It threw past the pins, bounced off the wall, and came back, striking Beavis in the forehead.

"Aaaahhh!" Beavis shrieked.

"Huh huh, dumbass," commented Butt-head.

"To think I'd never get the opportunity to see this again," Daria said to herself.

"Damn it, Beavis! Don't you know how to throw?"

"Shut up, Butt-head! You were, like, distracting me!"

"You really suck at this!"

"No way! I know how to pitch a ball! Heh heh!"

"Remember that time in fifth grade you were hit in the nads by a baseball during PE?"

"Um, no way!" Beavis insisted. "That never happened!"

"Actually, I remember it pretty clearly," Daria smiled. "Coach Ensworth was pretty pissed you didn't keep your eyes on the ball."

"Shut up, Diarrhea! That's not true!"

"Quit being in denial, Beavis," recommended Butt-head. "Even Daria remembers that one time."

"Damn it!" Beavis confessed. "I was, like, distracted by Kimberly! Her hooters were growing out at the time!"

"Huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "That is true…"

"You two noticed that stuff even at that early of an age, eh?" Daria asked.

"Yeah, and we're damn proud of it!" Beavis cried.

"Huh huh huh!" chuckled Butt-head. "You weren't that proud when you started crying! Then you got taken to the hospital on a stretcher!"

"Well, as I recall, there was a rather large puddle on the dirt before the school nurse arrived," Daria recollected the memories. "And let me tell you, it wasn't Beavis crying a river."

"Shut up, you asswipes!" Beavis yelled. "This is embarrassing!"

"Wait a minute," Butt-head paused. "I think Daria's right! Beavis did wet his pants!"

"No she's not!" Beavis protested. "She doesn't know what she's talking about!"

"Actually, I think she does, huh huh huh!"

"Say, Beavis," Daria walked up and patted the blonde on the shoulder. "Do you recall that time in middle school?"

"Um, no!" Beavis shook his head frantically.

"There was that one time… I can't quite recall the moment…" Daria said, feigning forgetfulness.

"Don't listen to her, Butt-head!" Beavis yanked at his friend's arm.

"I gotta listen to this!" Butt-head pulled his arm back.

"Oh, that's right!" Daria snapped her fingers. "Remember when you walked into the girl's bathroom, Beavis?"

"Huh huh huh! Yeah!"

"No!"

"Are you alright, Stewart?" asked Van Driessen.

"Yeah, I'm a-alright," Stewart replied shakily. "That haunted house tour just shook me up a little."

"I think there's something else bothering you, Stewart," Cassandra said. "Mind talking about it with us?"

"Yes, if there's something that's gnawing at you, I think this is a perfect opportunity to let it all out," Van Driessen encouraged.

"Well," Stewart sat down on the steps. "I'm not sure."

"It's really no good to let frustration bottle up inside," advised Cassandra. "Perhaps Mr. Van Driessen and I could help."

"Well, I guess it's just that I've lived such a sheltered life for most of my time," Stewart confessed.

Both Van Driessen and Cassandra nodded encouragingly and waited for Stewart to continue on.

"I've grown up with loving parents, a good home, and all the things a kid could ever want," explained Stewart. "I guess because of that, I don't know too much about the real world."

"I see," Van Driessen nodded.

"I really wanted to do some things in life," Stewart said. "Be a firefighter, go bungee jumping, skydiving, and more. But I guess my parents always discouraged me from doing such things."

"Most parents will be concerned for us in that degree, yes," Cassandra noted.

"I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I want to be more active, adventurous and in-charge, but I never really got the chance with the kind of environment I've grown up in," Stewart told them.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Stewart," Cassandra took Stewart's shoulder comfortingly. "Our environment can have an effect on us in certain ways we don't want when we grow older."

"It's okay though," Stewart smiled. "I'm going to college after the summer. I can learn to be more independent over there."

"That's the spirit, Stewart!" Van Driessen encouraged. "And speaking of which, does anyone know where Beavis and Butt-head are?"

"Yes, maybe we should go search for them," nodded Cassandra. "Are you sure you're alright though, Stewart?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"Stewart, you're one of the bravest individuals I've ever seen," Van Driessen told his former student. "If it weren't for your actions, we might not even be here to enjoy this trip."

"He's right," Cassandra patted Stewart on the back. "You're the one person whose courage has kept this team together."

"Aww, thanks guys," Stewart looked gratified.

"Um, I really don't think you should be doing that," Daria recommended.

"Uh, no way, Daria!" Butt-head responded. "This is gonna be cool!"

"Yeah, especially when we get in there! Then we get to be stars!" Beavis insisted.

A few minutes ago, one of the animal trainers had gone off for a drink while leaving one of the locks on the door, open but still tightened just enough to keep the gorilla inside from breaking out. Seeing their opportunity, Beavis and Butt-head had gone up to take advantage of the situation.

"You know the chances of you getting mauled to death once you step inside, right?" Daria asked.

"Uh, no," Butt-head replied.

"Come on, Butt-head!" Beavis insisted.

"Uh, huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "Do you have the camera ready, Daria?"

"Yes," Daria sighed. "But I don't suppose I can still talk the two of you out of this?"

"No way! We're gonna be animal trainers!" Beavis took hold of the trainer's whip with him.

Daria slapped her own forehead in frustration. As much as she wanted to watch the duo make fools of themselves, risking their lives for an insane stunt like this was taking it way too far. She wanted to see them get humiliated in public, not killed or murdered.

After Butt-head closed the door to the cage, he and Beavis walked up towards the female gorilla named Lily. Beavis was the first to make a movement by cracking his whip. In the meantime, Butt-head held up the hoop he had in his hand.

"Damn it!" Beavis shouted. "Get up and jump through this hoop!"

Lily only growled angrily as she glared at the two with murder in her eyes.

"Well," Daria said with much resignation. "Better capture the scene now so you two can go out on a high note."

Just as Daria clicked on the camera for a picture, Van Driessen showed up along with Stewart and Cassandra.

"Oh my Lord!" Van Driessen looked at the scene in shock. "What are those two doing?"

"Posing for National Geographics," Daria commented sarcastically.

"This is too dangerous!" Van Driessen rushed towards the cage. "You could get killed!"

Barring his way into the cage, Van Driessen grabbed a hold of Beavis and Butt-head and ushered them out of the door just in time. However, he was not fortunate enough to get himself as two large hands grabbed him from behind and pulled him behind.

The hatred for Beavis and Butt-head in Lily's eyes had been replaced by a look of pure love for David Van Driessen. With one massive hand to the hippie teacher's chest, Lily rubbed his temple lovingly.

"Um, what's going on?" asked Stewart.

"Whoa!" Butt-head cried. "Check it out, Beavis! That monkey wants Van Driessen!"

"Oh my God!" Van Driessen's voice was heard very loudly and clearly. "Get me out of here!"

"Yeah, she must be really horny!" Beavis agreed.

"Stop it! Stop it!"

"Oh no!" the animal trainer ran up along with the manager. "Is Lily doing what I think she's doing?"

"What are you waiting for!" the manager shouted. "Get the tranquilizer!"

"Heeeellllllllpppppp!" Van Driessen, with his shirt and pants nearly torn off, grabbed onto the bars only to be dragged back by the love-crazed gorilla.

"Uh, huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "Van Driessen really puts the monkey in Buttmonkey!"

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis agreed. "I think that monkey's gonna give him an anal probe!"

"What're you talking about, Beavis?" asked Butt-head. "Only aliens give anal probes."

"Oh yeah, heh heh heh!"

"Actually, I think Van Driessen just gave new meaning to the phrase Spank the Monkey," Daria told the two who promptly burst into laughter.

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"You know, you're pretty cool sometimes, Daria," complimented Butt-head.

"Um, thanks… I think," Daria accepted the compliment as graciously as she could.

To be continued.